Original subtitles

Anyway, I was in this coffee shop on the Northern Boulevard.

This guy was telling me about the one -to -one club. I figured I'd give it a

try, and here I am.

What a marvelous story.

Moving, yet so whimsical.

Hey, Petal.

What is it you do for a living, Jason?

I'm a freelance photographer.

Oh. Oh, that is absolutely fascinating.

My Tom here takes pictures, too.

Problem is, we can't get anyone to develop them.

You were saying, Jason?

Oh, right. Well, um, I love my work.

It takes me all around the world.

I was in Beijing for the riots, in Helsinki for the summit.

I had a great time in Berlin when the wall was being torn down. Oh, I'd love

see those pictures.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any.

Well, I got so carried away with the emotion of the moment that I put my

down. I climbed up on the wall, chipped off a huge chunk, and tossed it as far

as I could.

My, you're impulsive.

And it landed on an East German border guard.

So I spent the next two weeks taking pictures of the inside of my cell.

Oh, what an incredible story.

I just love a man who... I'll make fresh coffee.

And that's without steroids.

Oh, boy, what a workout. What a workout. I was proud of you, buddy.

Oh, they try to get me to take it easy because I haven't done it for a while.

But I'm telling you, I have never felt better in my life.

I got this tiny little spot right here.

Oh, forgive me.

Will we have a guest?

Yes. Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Jason Fowler. Jason, this is John.

such an exciting job?

If you're into exciting, I'm not.

So, Jason, what brings you to the one -to -one club? Yeah, what looped your

luxurials?

Well, I, uh, I guess the bottom line is that, uh, my wife and I just grew

apart. I don't know, Jason. Sounds to me like it was all her fault.

No, it was no one's fault, really.

She's a terrific lady.

That's a very healthy attitude. You know, Jason, sometimes it's better to

recognize the inevitable than to stay in an unbearable marriage.

I've never looked at it that way before.

It's very perceptive of you, Louise.

Uh, Louise, can you massage my shoulder?

John, do I look like a masseuse?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize.

Well, don't be. It felt great.

It did, didn't it?

I don't know about you guys, but I miss being married.

I love the whole idea of marriage.

I may not sound very macho to say this, but I love the idea of needing a woman

and having a woman need me.

Yeah.

I feel the same way.

Me too.

I'm going to say something here.

It may surprise a lot of people in this room.

What's that, Kirk?

You guys are pathetic.

And I think the truly exciting thing about photography is that you never know

when you're going to get that truly great picture. I mean, a second too

second too late, you've blown it.

But when you get it just right, it's better than skydiving.

Have you ever tried skydiving?

Me? Oh, no, I'm afraid I'm not the skydiving type.

I am.

What is that?

My organizer.

Jeremy's going to kill me. I was supposed to pick him up over an hour

We're going to the Caribbean.

Which island?

Oh, no, no, no. The Caribbean's a new nightclub in Soho.

I hardly ever leave the country on the first date.

I loved your story about whatever it was you were talking about.

Bye, y 'all.

Can I get anyone another drink?

Sure, why not? Not for me, thanks.

Be right back.

He's nice?

I suppose.

If you don't mind, perfect.

Listen, Kate, if you're interested in... Oh, thanks, but he's not interested in

me. I saw the way he was looking at you.

Looking at me? Yes.

If he's interested in anyone, it's you. Oh, no, he's not.

Listen to us. We sound like a couple of silly schoolgirls. Where are you going?

Go stuff some Kleenex in my bra.

Whoa! All right, Ralphie!

Yeah,

my shoulder's starting to feel a lot better now. Good.

Oh, John. What? Don't look now, but the redhead at the bar is really checking

you out.

Oh, yeah?

What,

the shoulder again?

No, shoulder's fine.

Neck's paralyzed.

Sorry. Can Kate leave?

What's your latest assignment?

Well, I've got a couple of weeks off, so I'm taking a cooking class.

French. I simply adore French food.

Well, I'm no gourmet chef, but how about I fix us both dinner tomorrow night?

Oh, no, I wasn't fishing for an invitation.

I mean, you must think I'm really... Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Shall I pick you up at seven?

Make it 6 .45.

I'd better get going or my babysitter's going to kill me.

Oh, you didn't mention that you had children.

I didn't.

We're love kids.

Lucky you, I have one.

Here's my address.

Ta -ta.

Where's Louise off to? She said something about a babysitter.

What? What are you smiling about?

Oh, I was just picturing you up on the Berlin Wall celebrating like that.

God, I'm jealous. I wish I could be that spontaneous.

What's stopping you?

Simple. I don't know where to start.

What time is it?

Eleven o 'clock.

Perfect. The clams will just be waking up. The who?

Why don't we go out to Long Island and dig up some clams?

Now? Well, that's how spontaneous works.

But this is crazy.

Of course it's crazy. What do you say?

Well... Yeah, all right, let's go. Good.

You know, this may come as a surprise to you, but I've never done this before.

Good. Makes two of us.

Bye, guys.

Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going? It's 11 o 'clock. The clams are waking up.

Boy.

Things you can learn in a bar about shellfish.

Hey, John.

I've got someone here who would like to meet you. Oh. Hi. Hi.

I'm Mindy. Yeah, hi.

Your friend here tells me that you're a bodybuilder.

Well,

I mean, sort of a little hobby of mine.

Hobby?

Listen to him. This man is so modest. I mean... Did you see the movie Pumping

Iron? Oh, no, I didn't, but... Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no, please allow me.

It's nice meeting you.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go ring the bells.

Oh.

Oh, Jason.

These pictures you took of my little Nigel are adorable.

How could I miss?

He's such a cute kid.

I feel so guilty.

This is the third time you've cooked for me and I haven't made dinner for you

once. Hey, it's my fun. I enjoy it.

Looks delicious.

What is it?

Well, it's a new beef dish that I created especially for you.

I call it Earth Louise.

ever named Meat after me.

To... To the most incredibly enticing woman I have ever met.

Me?

Very well.

Louise, I know we hardly know each other. Oh, pish -tosh.

We've seen each other almost every night for a whole week.

I just don't want you to think I'm rushing things.

Who cares what I think?

Oh, God, you are so beautiful and so alive.

I can't help myself. I can't help myself.

Relax.

You won't change your mind once you've had a chance to think about it? No, of

course not.

I'll even let you make me breakfast.

Then marry me, Louise.

Marry me.

No, by the power vested in me by the state of Maryland.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, why, why, why did I ever let you guys talk me into going back to that

Oh, I want to die.

I get you have.

My cousin?

Your cousin?

Yeah. She walk on your back.

Every muscle, every joint, every nerve ending, every tissue, every molecule in

my body hates me.

Even my watch hurts.

Oh, John, that's terrible.

But if it'll make you feel any better, I bought a new earring.

What do you think?

Thank you very much, very much.

I think I don't want to be in shape anymore.

I want to be flabby and slovenly and be able to brush my teeth with one hand

again.

Don't worry about it, John. Chao Ling's cousin's going to walk on your back.

You're going to feel like a new man. Listen, I'm in such pain, I'll try

anything.

You ready?

It's my cousin.

This is your cousin?

Yeah.

You're the best. You're the best. Thanks for your trouble.

Bye -bye.

Well, there we time.

I must have been crazy.

Okay, all right, all right. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Hello, everyone.

You just missed it, Louise.

John was all hunched over in excruciating pain. It was a terrible

That's lovely to hear, dear.

this evening, but my train from Maryland was a bit behind schedule.

Maryland's my home state. Whereabouts were you?

This charming little place called Ellicott City.

Oh, I know that place.

Everybody goes there to get married.

It's wall to wall chapel.

So what were you doing there, Louise? I wish I could tell you, but I promised

someone I wouldn't tell just yet.

Hi, everybody.

tell anyone, but how can I not tell you? I mean, you're my best friend.

Why is it I feel tonight's not going to be an ordinary meeting?

to each other to make you carry on like this.

She married my husband.

You both got married to the same guy?

That's right.

It appears we're both Mrs. Jason Fowler.

Boy, are your tax returns going to be complicated.

I think what Jason did to you two ladies is despicable.

And how.

Ladies, I'm going to make you a promise right here and now.

When I catch up with this Jason guy and catch up with him, I will.

And I'm going to grab him by the throat. I am going to put him up against the

wall. And I am not going to let him go until I find out how he does it.

This

is

crazy. We only know the guy a week.

What the hell are you thinking?

How could either of you have married him?

I don't know.

I've been trying to be more impulsive lately. I guess I got really good at it.

Louise, you.

You're supposed to be the voice of reason around here.

I know, I know. I just got swept away. He's so passionate.

So romantic.

He even named meat after me.

You too, huh?

Beth Louise.

Kate Tartare.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You two are best friends.

I don't believe that you could possibly have not told each other that you were

involved with this guy.

Well, after our second date, we were already talking marriage, and Jason

convinced me that if I told Louise, she'd try to talk me out of it.

Cat, is it exactly the same thing to me?

Uh, ladies, can we hurry this up a little? I want to get home and start

on my recipe for beef bambi. Oh, come on.

Is there a Mrs.

Fowler here?

I'm Mrs. Fowler.

Your husband is on the phone.

Thank you.

Uh, ladies.

Two? I love America.

Let me talk to him. I want to give him a peek at my mouth.

Threaten him first. Please, let me talk to him.

I'm the one he's not emotionally involved with.

Yet.

Yes, so what do you want?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

He's in jail.

Serves him right.

Yeah, yeah.

What are you in for?

Bigamy. No.

Lester Griffin.

Oh, my God.

This whole place is so depressing.

Yeah. To be stuck in here.

Yeah. Remind me to send in my alimony check.

Well, hello, Jason.

In case you don't recognize him, this is Buff Louise and Kate Tartar.

How you doing, sweethearts?

It's nice of you to come down.

I'll give you nice, you bloody bonehead. Why did you drag me?

Wait, wait, wait.

Control yourself. Control yourself.

Now answer her.

We're in a police station. The man can call a cop.

All right, I'm sorry.

But why did you make us think you loved us?

Yes, why?

But I do love you. Both of you.

You are the two best things that have ever happened to me.

I just wanted to make you happy. Is that a crime?

In this state, it is.

Listen, I got a fingerprint in town.

If you want to post bail, you can check at the desk, Sergeant.

I know I hurt both of you, but think of the upside.

We'll always have Maryland.

I was for not talking to you, Kate. Oh, Jan, what an idiot I was for not talking

to you.

This never would have happened if we'd have trusted our friendship.

Let's make a pact.

Next time, let's talk to each other before we marry the same guy.

Come on, let's go.

Yeah,

this may sound crazy, but I think that guy really did love both of you.

I mean, who could blame him?

You guys are really special.

We are, aren't we? Yeah, we are.

Mrs. Jason Fowler.

Oh, there.