Original subtitles

by the time you

suggested you go to a sperm bank. You haven't said two words to me. Oh, yes, I

have. I said, hell no.

Call the elevator, please.

Oh, John, isn't this an adorable little baby?

Hell no.

Oh, this little guy's going to college, all right.

Every week, my husband and I put in some money in a special account for his

education. What a coincidence.

Wendy, he was just telling me to go down to the bank and make a deposit for our

baby. Good night.

John, I know you're mad at me, but I want to have another child while I still

can. And I want you to be the father. That way, Matthew would have a real

brother or sister.

Here's Amber's sperm bank.

How does Matthew feel about us having another baby?

Well, he said it would...

be a very sensible idea he did actually he said it would be john

look probably the most important thing i'll ever ask you to do for me

will you just think about it

that's him

you think my baby's ugly

Hell no.

Oh, Kate.

How was your big date?

Oh, I've had it with men.

This guy took me to a really elegant restaurant.

Said how drawn he was to my spiritual side.

Then he grabbed my thigh.

Funny. That's my spiritual side, too.

between John and Wendy? No, not yet.

Wouldn't it be romantic if those two actually got back together again?

Yeah. They say love is lovelier the second time around.

Baloney. I went through that with one of my ex -husbands.

Oh, the first time around was heaven.

What happened the second time around?

They kicked us off the Ferris wheel.

What is the big secret?

Come on. What happened with you and Wendy?

Yes, we're dying to hear. What's the latest poop?

Did you two decide to have a baby?

Yes, as a matter of fact, we did.

All right, John, so tell me, what happened? You two went to bed and... If

must know, Kirk, we never actually made it to the bed.

Oh, all right, John.

Ouch on the couch.

Nothing happened on the couch. Oh, even better.

A little hug on the rug?

A little smile on a tile?

A little rolium on the linoleum?

Did you hour in the shower?

All right.

Just knock it off.

Wendy and I didn't do anything anywhere.

I can't believe you people. Somebody says baby and right away you all think

sex.

There are a lot of ways of getting pregnant without sex, you know.

I'm afraid we're not quite following you, John.

Oh, yeah, John. Don't tell us you still believe that toilet seat stuff.

For your information, I happened to come up with the perfect solution.

Thanks to modern science.

Oh, do tell us, Dr.

Frankenstein.

I went to a sperm bank.

John, John, I can't believe this.

All the fruit in this city just right for the picking, and you canned your own

peaches?

Yes.

That's right, yes.

I know, it sounds a little, uh... Lonely?

Thank you, Kate.

Look, Wendy and I both realize it'd be very complicated if we slept together

again, and having a baby, my baby, is very important to her.

And this way, Matthew can have a real brother or sister.

You're so considerate.

Any woman would be proud to have you as an ex -husband.

Thank you, Mary Beth. Anyway, I went down to this place yesterday and made

a donation.

That way, Wendy can use it whenever she's ready.

I mean, it's really very simple.

It's very easy.

You know.

No regrets, no commitments, no emotional ties.

No emotional ties.

John, are you sure you're not clinging to some glimmer of hope that this baby

will bring you and Wendy back together again? No, no, no. Wendy made it

perfectly clear that this is strictly an arrangement.

Yeah, but how is this going to work?

Well... I mean, there must be a lot of legal ramifications involved in an

arrangement like this.

Well, actually... What do you mean?

Well, for instance...

How often will Wendy let John see the baby? Yeah. And?

What about child support?

Well, two children. I imagine John will be paying double.

Oh, yeah, and what happens if Wendy remarries? Who's the child's legal

I guess John is the legal father.

That's right. Wait a minute. Sorry. Wait a minute.

John went to a sperm bank.

He may only be the jaw's legal father.

Oh, come on, everybody.

Give John some credit. To enter into something as important as this without a

formal agreement, the man would have to be a complete idiot.

Excuse me.

John is no idiot.

That's true.

Gee, this is so involved.

Wendy must want that baby real bad.

I can understand.

She must hear her biological clock ticking.

I thought I heard mine ticking last night.

Thank God it was just post -nasal drip.

Oh, come on, Wendy, pick up.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that, Mom. I wish there was something I could do to

help. Mom, hold on. I've got someone on the other line.

Hello? Oh, hi, John.

Listen, Wendy, can we get together tomorrow and talk?

Oh, tomorrow's bad, John. I'm being inseminated.

I've got Mom on the other line. Can I call you back? No, no, no. You cannot

me back. And what do you mean you're being inseminated tomorrow?

What's the big rush?

Well, the doctor has to do it while I'm fertile, and tomorrow's the day.

Well, you can be fertile on another day. Look, we have to talk.

I just realized there are a lot of things that still need to be settled.

John, everything is settled.

You made the donation. I'm going to have the baby.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got Mom on long distance. It's very important.

She's having trouble with her roses again.

Wendy, you're not listening to me.

Do you want me to call up that place and tell them not to give you my sperm?

John, it's not yours anymore. The account is in my name.

Are you trying to tell me that if I call them up and ask them for my squiggly

little things back to me, that they wouldn't give them to me?

Excuse me. I'm going to be quite a long time on this phone call.

Wendy!

John, look.

Now, I'm not going to argue about this. I'm doing it tomorrow, and that's it.

Now, I'll call you when the rabbit dies.

Wendy!

Well, Mom, sorry to keep you waiting.

Damn!

Damn, damn, damn!

John, John.

Maybe I can help.

times, you've just got to be tough.

Hi, guys. Oh, I am late.

Ralphie. We were just discussing John and Wendy.

Oh, oh. Are they going to get back together and have a baby?

Yes and no.

Huh?

Ralphie, do the words artificial insemination mean anything to you? Are

kidding? If it wasn't for artificial insemination, I wouldn't be here today.

Really, Ralphie? You've never told us that before.

Yeah, well, it's not something I'm proud of.

You know how embarrassing it is to be pulled out of a lake in front of 200

campers and have some counselor do that to you?

Ralph,

I think you're talking about artificial respiration.

What are you talking about?

I'll be... John told us he went to a sperm bank.

I thought my story was embarrassing.

All right, let's get it over with.

I am an idiot. I did not have a formal arrangement with Wendy.

Idiot.

Tomorrow she's going to be inseminated, whether I like it or not.

I just called the people down at the bank, and I asked them if I could please

have my sperm back, and they said no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You asked them?

Yeah.

John, in case you haven't noticed, this is America.

We got a frontier tradition to uphold.

Did Horace Greeley say, go west, young man?

please?

Did Marshal Dillon say, come out with your hands up, please?

Did the Lone Ranger say, hi -ho, silver, please?

John, sometimes you gotta hop on your horse and take matters into your own

hands. And I'll tell you something else, partner.

You're not going to be riding into Sperm City alone.

What the hell are you talking about?

Are you with us, Ralphie? You bet.

I'm with my buddy, John, 100%. All the way, do or die.

Where are we going, Kirk?

Butch said to Sundance, it's a great day to rob a bank.

What? Come on, Kimisabi.

Let's go round up your silver bullets.

All right, let's go.

Anybody home?

We stick to our story. Right.

What story?

Oh, we forgot to tell you.

You forced us to rob this place against our will.

Thanks a lot, Kirk.

What are you thanking him for? It was my idea.

Oh, I don't believe this. Not only am I robbing a sperm bank, but I'm doing it

with Moe and Curly.

All right, Ruffy.

Why don't you go be the lookout and let us know if somebody's coming? Okay.

If I see somebody coming, what should I say?

You might try, somebody's coming.

He's done this before.

This is it.

The door's locked. All right.

Give me a handkerchief, John. Handkerchief? Yeah. Come here.

Oh, yeah.

Don't leave fingerprints, right? No.

God only knows the kind of hands that touch this thing.

I think I can open this with a credit card.

John, give me a credit card.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Couldn't qualify for the gold.

All right.

Spin back and watch a master at work.

Sorry, John.

I guess it doesn't take American Express.

You idiot.

The pot with my name on it is still on the door.

Now what I'm going to do, Mr. Master at work, we've got to break the door down.

Kirk, we cannot break the door down.

Suit yourself.

It's either that or tomorrow morning little John Lacey Jr. goes on his first

hunt.

We've got to break the door down. Let's go.

Are you ready? Yeah.

One. Two.

What are you guys doing?

We're going to break down the door.

Oh, sorry.

How the hell did you get in here?

Oh, I thought I heard somebody coming, so I ducked in the back way.

It was unlocked?

No, I used a credit card.

Yes, it's gold.

So, uh, where do they keep the stuff?

In the tanks.

Now, look, that's liquid nitrogen, so don't touch it.

Now, you two keep watch, and I gotta find my file number.

What's this?

Um, Ralphie, if I'm not mistaken, that's where the guy goes to, uh...

It's called the deposit closet.

Thanks.

John, come on. I got very important places to go, people to see here. Let's

take all night.

Oh, look at this. A VCR.

Complete with motivational tapes.

Helga does Holland.

John, take your time.

Kellerman, Kelly, Kurtz, Lacey.

There we go. Seven, two, one, three.

Seven, two, one, three. Seven, two, one, three.

Seven, two, one.

I'm not going until I get what I came for.

Seven, two, one, three, seven, two.

Yeah, there's my baby.

Come to papa.

All right, freeze.

Now listen, I can explain it.

Thank God you are here.

This man forced us to come down here against our will.

Oh, come on. Are these handcuffs really necessary? Hey, just relax, okay, until

your ex -wife gets here.

And the bank is going to leave it up to her whether or not to press charges.

After all, it was her property you broke.

Okay, thanks, Sarge.

Well, we spoke to the Pentagon.

They said they never heard of you.

Never heard of me.

Right.

Yes. That is the national security code for let him go immediately.

Keep in touch, fellas.

Cute.

Right.

Wendy, well, it's about time.

I would have been here sooner, but I wasn't sure how to dress for a breaking

entering party.

You made a good selection.

Wendy, would you tell these nice officers that you're not going to press

charges, please?

Okay, John, I won't press charges.

On one condition.

Condition? What condition?

That you replace the donation that you ruined. No, forget it. Forget it.

Absolutely not. I'm not going to go back to that room again. I'd rather go to

jail.

Book him.

Oh, no.

John, John.

I know you're a busy man, but what is a couple of minutes out of your day?

Time well spent, John. You can learn all...

Officer, could I talk to him for a minute, please?

Sure.

Okay, John, maybe you're right. Maybe this isn't the best way for us to have

another baby.

Let's go back to your place. Now, Wendy, Wendy, we should not be trying to have

a baby that way either. Why not? We had Matthew that way.

Well, that was different. We were young, we were happy, we were in love.

But I don't love you anymore.

Well, that's the first time I've been able to say that.

I don't love you anymore.

Congratulations, John, but I'm not asking you to love me.

Look, Matthew's almost in high school.

Then he's going to go off to college, graduate, and never come home again.

I love being a mother, but pretty soon I'm not going to have anybody to be a

mother to.

I'm sorry, Wendy, but it's too late. No matter what you say, I can't do this.

Damn it, Lacey, I should have got you in bed when I had the chance.

Yes, now could you get these things off me, please?

Oh, sure, John, in a minute. What are you doing?

I've always wondered, what's it like in here anyway? Oh, come on, stop that,

Wendy. Wendy, will you stop? Wendy!