Original subtitles

I'm not interested in you.

What makes you say that?

The woman spit on your shoes.

In Kirk's crowd, that's foreplay.

It's their last night in business.

They're closing.

Oh, no. I adore that restaurant.

Me, too.

The place is a neighborhood institution.

And a trendsetter, too. It was the first restaurant in Queens to use bug

zappers.

I was there opening night, 1943.

That's when I had my first Navy grog.

Two hours later, I had my first groggy Navy man.

Ernest is closing.

I feel like I'm losing an old friend.

Yeah, well, you know what they say. Lose a friend, make a friend. Shall we begin

the meeting, please?

John, Ernest happens to hold a lot of special memories.

I can still remember the first time I went in there.

I'll wager Kate does, too.

I sure do.

I beg your pardon? I couldn't help noticing you printing in the mirror.

suggest you relax and stop being so nervous? You look absolutely smashing.

Thank you very much.

I'm waiting for someone.

This is my first date since my divorce. Oh, I remember the first date I had

after my divorce.

I sank all the way down to answering an ad in the personal.

You dated him?

The ads all say that. But if you want to picture them accurately, a good rule of

thumb is this.

You subtract 100 from their IQ and add it to their weight.

I'm Kate McCarran. Louise Manson. You know, Kate, I've just started a little

support group for those of us who suddenly find ourselves back in the

world. Here's a card if you're interested in joining us.

It's called the One -Two -One Club.

Well, thanks, Louise. But, you know, I've never been a joiner. And besides,

know, I'd really like to give this dating scene a real chance before I do

anything this drastic.

I'll just run into the little fellow's room, and then we'll get a table.

Take your time.

Okay, Applecake.

You're having dinner with him?

I know what you're thinking.

But he's a kind, thoughtful, generous man.

He'd give you the hair off his head.

Now there's what I've been hoping for.

Do you think that's it?

No, no such luck. His letter said that he'd be carrying a single long stem

Come,

come, I must run.

opens out onto the alley.

Run for your life.

Bless you.

Kate, that's a nice story.

I can't believe we're wasting valuable group time discussing that dumb

restaurant. John, what have you got against Ernie?

Well, let's just say I don't have very fond memories of the place, all right?

Besides... We should be discussing something a lot more important.

Something that enriches our lives. Okay, John.

Um, did I ever tell you about the time I was on a parole board at a woman's

prison?

Please, come on, turn. Well, John, I've got a story about overcoming anger and

learning to survive.

Good. Now, that's what the one -to -one club is about. Go ahead, Ralph. Well, it

was my first Christmas Eve in New York City.

And if it hadn't been for Ernie's lamplight, it might have been my last.

No, no, Joey.

Santa just had a bad day.

You know, I spent all day collecting money for the mission. I had over $12.

now look at me. I don't have any money. I don't have a clapper.

I don't even have a pot to collect in.

Hey, what are you trying to do?

Excuse me? Because of you, my kid thinks he's not going to get any presents for

Christmas. Well...

I'm sorry, but I think there's something you should know. The whole restaurant

knows. You hate kids, you hate New York.

No, no, no, it's not that.

I'm not really Santa Claus.

Yeah, but my kid doesn't know that. Now go over there and tell Joey he's going

to have a great Christmas and get a lot of presents.

Oh, all right.

Ho,

ho, ho, little Joey.

I've been a good boy all year, and now you hate me, don't you?

Santa's just tired, that's all.

Don't mind me.

You know, if you're looking for something with real power, try the Mega

500.

Yeah, it's got dual injected speed drive.

Really? Yeah. I guess you already have Robotron, huh?

My father says it's too expensive.

Not for Santa Claus.

to put together.

Santa has to get back to work now.

Ho, ho, ho.

Look, before you force me into bankruptcy, here, here's a 20. Go hail

reindeer.

$20?

Whoa.

What a great city.

The people are so generous and the kids are...

and have them take me there for a wonderful evening.

Have you forgotten, dear?

It's closing tonight.

So we'll go someplace else.

Mary Beth, it's just as well you never set foot in that place.

You wouldn't feel that way if you'd gone there with me.

You would have gotten the royal treatment. I gave those people at

night they'll never forget.

Oh, come on, Kirk.

Hey, if they can reminisce, I can reminisce.

Oh, that table's reserved exclusively for our most important customer.

Oh? And who's that?

Here he is now.

champagne for the twins.

Oh, Kurt.

Ladies, please, what did I say about touching in public?

That's much better.

For the orphan.

Oh, dear sister, a little something.

One hundred dollars.

Oh, Mr. Morris, you are so kind. I... Orphans are people, too.

I think I hear a piano player crying.

Sweetheart, what is wrong?

I don't know what I'm going to do, Mr. Morris.

My husband can't find a job.

Last week, just to feed the children, he sold all of the furniture.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why don't you dry those pretty little eyes while yours

makes everything right again?

Hugo.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a little lady here tonight.

She's kind of down on her luck.

So, hey.

If you feel moved by my song and you'd like to help out, feel free to pitch in.

Anything.

Anything at all.

Tommy.

It had to be you.

I wandered around and finally found

the somebody who could make me be true.

be blue and even be blessed just to be said

some others I've seen

might never be new might never be

forced or try to be boss but they wouldn't do for nobody

else gave me a thrill with for your...

compassionate man I am.

Kirk, if you have any compassion, you'll stick your tongue in the door and slam

it until it bleeds.

John, where are you going?

Home. I've had enough of Ernie's lamplight.

You're lazy.

What? Sit down. Wait a minute. Now, now, just a minute.

I've had just about enough of your childish petulance.

All right, you want to know what happened in Ernie's? I'll tell you.

It was the worst day of my life.

Oh, my.

Not the day you got your, uh, Dear John letter.

The ink was hardly dry when I wandered into that joint.

Good evening, sir.

And what is the name?

Oh, I don't have a reservation.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I just split up with my wife today. I found out she's been having an affair

my best friend.

Do you mind, sir, if you're bluffing the after -dinner man?

I'll just have a drink over here at the bar.

Excuse me.

Is this your wife?

Yes. That's your friend?

Yes. Don't ever let that snake out of your sight.

What can I do for you?

I'll just have a beer.

What am I supposed to do?

Start over?

Start dating again? Start hanging out in bars and talking to strangers? I can't

do that.

Why me?

Why me?

12 years, 12 long years.

Out the window, down the drain.

Was it me? I mean, was it my fault?

I guess you'll be running a tab, huh?

They think they're going to get away with this.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to put a bomb in the car. That's what I'm

going to do.

Blow up all the dispilleries.

No, no, no, no. What? Crazy? I just put new tires on that car.

Wendy didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face. I mean, could you

believe that?

The woman was supposed to love me for the rest of her life.

Okay. No, Wendy.

Yeah, nice talking to you.

That's the way you feel?

Forget about it.

Try to understand.

Excuse me. My fiancé just tossed our engagement ring over here someplace.

I think she's leaving.

Oh, no. Nancy.

Nancy.

Are you being unreasonable? No, I'm not.

Excuse me. I just found your engagement ring. Wow. This must have slipped off

your finger. I don't want it.

She's mad at me.

He wants to postpone the wedding. No, no, no. I didn't say definitely. I just

said maybe. You got cold feet.

So? I bet everybody gets cold feet.

Excuse me.

Be married.

Wasn't over married.

Separated.

What are you asking him for? He probably thinks that marriage is a waste of

time. You bet I do.

Fifty percent of the men that get married get divorced. You know why?

Because they married women.

I'll give you another statistic.

Eighty percent of the men on death row are married.

They're the lucky ones. They took the easy way out.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe we shouldn't rush into this after all.

Shouldn't rush into what?

Marriage. No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you

listening to me for? Don't listen to me. Look, I didn't come here to screw up

your lives tonight.

Look, I'm just a little crazed because my wife ran out on me a couple of hours

ago.

I had 12 years of really great memories, you know.

Not to mention a wonderful son.

Matthew.

Hey, look, look.

I took a chance and it didn't work out for me, but that doesn't mean it won't

work out for you.

Do you love him?

Yes, I do.

Hey, do you love her?

Very much.

Then take the chance.

Well, years from now, you'll kick yourself for what you might have missed.

know, for what you could have had.

Look. If you keep loving each other, then it all might just fall into place.

So how about we get married next weekend?

I'd love to.

This one's on me.

That was nice, what you did for those two kids.

I give them six months, honestly.

Funny, now that I've talked about it, I think I might have done some good that

night.

Hopefully, those two kids are still together.

I say we get out of here before he starts taking up a collection for a

cappuccino maker.

What?

we all go down and have a final drink at the Lamplight and give it a proper fend

off. Sounds like a great idea, but do you think we can all get out? Oh, yeah,

probably, Mom.

Oh, that's no problem. Kirk can get us in, right, Kirk? Oh, yeah, right.

They owe me.

By the way, where is this joint?

What?

The twins were driving.

The outrageous fun of Night of a Thousand Laughs continues with an all

episode of Empty Nest.

Then tomorrow night, the critically acclaimed miniseries Blind Faith.

Robert Urich stars as the perfect family man accused of murdering his wife.

Following Matlock tomorrow.

You made the All -Star? I can take it. You're an All -Star.

Top of the heap. Take it later.

Cream of the crop.

My son here made the All -Star team.

Yeah. They only picked 1 ,500 of the 1 ,000 kids, and Matthew here was one of

them. As a reward, he gets to play in the international tournament.

And we get jackets with our name on it. And he gets a jacket with his name on

it. And we're going to Belgium.

He's going to Belgium?

And it only costs $1 ,800.

And he gets a jacket with his name on it.