Original subtitles

by the time

before a studio audience.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong, dead wrong.

I stand corrected, Mrs. Filbert. I wasn't aware that they had safe sex

the Depression.

you doing?

Oh, uh, I bought this Swiss Army knife on the subway.

The guy said it's a great thing to have if you ever need anything uncorked,

tweezed, spooned, or gutted.

Now, if I can only get it open.

Ralph, why would you buy a Swiss Army knife on the subway?

Because the gentleman who sold it to me had a bigger knife.

And his was open.

surprise system is alive and living below ground, I think it's time to call

day. Good night, everybody.

Good night. Oh, hey, wait, wait.

Could you guys stick around for a little while longer? My father's driving down

from Binghamton. I'd really like you to meet him.

I mean, he should have been here by now. I wonder what's keeping him. Well, he

is lazy.

Maybe at the last minute, somebody invited him to a football game.

Okay, Kate.

Do you want me to drop the football game and go to the art exhibit with you?

Would that make you happy? Yes.

Well, happiness isn't everything.

Good night, everybody.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you all right? I'm fine, I'm fine.

Shall I have my insurance company call your insurance company?

I'm looking for the one -to -one club.

Oh, you must be John's father.

I'm Kate.

Hi, come on in. Everybody wants to meet you.

Hey, look who I found. Hey, Dad.

Hey, Moochie.

Moochie? All right, all right.

Shut up, Kirk.

Dad, this is everybody.

Everybody, this is Dad.

Everybody!

Hi, Dad!

Hi, everybody.

Oh, Phil, this is Louise.

Hello. This is Ralph, and this is Philbert, and Tom, and I guess you

Kate. And I'm Kirk, Kirk Morris, best friend to the moosh.

Nice to meet you, Phil.

Moochie!

I came here for the cabinet maker show.

Oh, you're in the cabinet business.

Well, I own a small company. Oh, my father's being very modest. He makes the

best kitchen cabinets on the East Coast.

Wow, that sounds impressive. You must work with a lot of different tools.

Yes, I do.

You think you can open my knife?

I could give it a try.

You know, I wish you'd built the cabinets in my kitchen. Then maybe the

would work. What's wrong with them?

Oh, you know, some of them stick so you can't open them. The others won't stay

closed. Well, I'd be happy to drop by and take a look at them, boy. Oh, no,

no. I wouldn't want to. No, that's all right. No trouble. Really? Oh, sure.

Well, all right, but on one condition.

You let me buy you dinner afterwards.

You're on. All right, pick a night.

How about Thursday?

No, I have a meeting on Thursday at school. I can't make Thursday.

Well, just as well.

That way you won't be able to stand us up.

See you Thursday.

Now, here you go, Ralph. Wow, thanks.

Yeah, good night, Ralph. Good night. See ya.

Wow. Now I know something the Swiss Army knows.

Never grab a knife by the corkscrew.

Yes, Marvin, I know it's late, but you're my dentist, and I'm in a lot of

here.

Yes, I'm sure the filling fell out.

At the movies.

I don't know, it was either a milk dud or a gummy bear.

Which one?

Uh, the blue one.

No, the tooth is not blue, Marvin.

It's gonna be soon.

Touch it. Ah!

Touch hurts, Marvin, touch hurts.

A lot of pain from the touch.

Air?

Oh!

A lot more pain from air, Marvin, a lot more.

Tomorrow, why can't you see me tonight, Marvin?

Marvin, you're supposed to be a healer, a man of compassion.

You took an oath, remember?

Oh.

Well, can't you go to your slumlord meeting on another night?

Thanks a lot, Marvin.

Next time he tells me to spit, I'm not going to do it.

Remind me before I leave to fix the legs on your dresser.

I'm too old to be kneeling to tie a tie.

What are you getting so dressed up for? You just gotta fix Kate's cabinets.

Well, I believe the young lady said something about dinner.

But you're treating it like a date, Dad.

Well, Moochie, when a single man like me has dinner with a beautiful woman like

Kate, it is a date. No, no, I mean you're treating it like a date date.

Hey, I'm not stepping on any toes here, am I? I mean, you and Kate, they are...

No, no, of course not. No, no, we're just buddies.

Oh.

Okay, okay. One night we had...

Kind of a thing.

We had a little too much to drink and one thing led to another. We had sort of

fling thing.

It's over now.

Yeah, like I said, we're just buddies.

I think I'll go with a striped tie.

Now wait, Dad.

You know, you don't understand.

Kate's mad at me because I went back and some plans we made.

She's just inviting you because she wants to get back at me, that's all.

I just don't want you to be disappointed. You know, I'm not going to

disappointed because I have no expectations.

I'm going to fix the cabinets, and then I'll have dinner with her.

She's a nice girl. She'll be very pleasant.

All right?

All right, you relax.

Have a nice time. I hope your tooth is better. Thank you.

No tie.

It's sexier.

We have to talk.

We have to what? Talk, talk.

Oh, talk.

What's wrong with your mouth?

Oh, you came back from the dentist.

What?

Oh,

oh, the dentist.

Well, no wonder I can't understand you. It's the Novocaine. Wait a minute.

What?

What's going on between you and my father?

I give up, John. Is that a book, movie, or play?

Father, father.

Phil, Phil.

Oh, your dad, Phil.

Oh,

what a terrific man. You know, we had the best time last night. He's so

and so witty, and he speaks so clearly.

You just went out with my father. You took it evil with me.

Oh,

even with me? Yes. Oh, oh, oh, you think that I went out with your father just

to get even with you for standing me up? Thank you.

Yo, John. Kirk.

It's 9 .30.

I got a hot tip on a great place to pick up babes. Meet me at Kennedy Airport,

Swedish Airlines, gate 35, wherever it is.

John, it's 10 .30. Scratch the Swedes.

On to plan B, as in babes.

Meet me at Penn Station, track 11.

There's a sleeper coming in from Albany.

Bring a lantern.

John, me again. It's 11 .15.

Third time's the charm.

Meet me at Pier 38.

There's a steamer coming in from Guatemala.

Dress like an immigration lawyer.

Five after six?

Okay, Dad.

Where have you been all night?

Boat eggs.

Sorry.

What the hell are you doing here at six in the morning? I need a pair of shoes.

For what?

My feet.

It may sound like a silly question, but where are your shoes, John? Learn this

lesson and learn it well.

Never. ever fall asleep in a bus terminal.

Make a mental note of it.

So, uh, you got anything in a brown?

You got anything in a black?

All right, brown should do.

Where the hell is he? Oh, my father, he went out on a date last night, didn't

come back.

All right, pop.

Sounds like he still has a few bullets left in the old musket.

Please, huh? Just cut it out. What? Come on, John. You should be proud of your

old man.

He scored his first week in town.

Guess some apples do fall far from the tree, huh, John?

Come on, Kate. Pick up.

Kate?

He's with Kate?

V -Kate, R -Kate, Red -Kate.

You didn't hear that.

Hey, John, my lips are sealed.

Which is more than I can say for Kate.

Kirk. I promise.

Oh, Kirk. Hey, Phil.

Hello, son.

Good to see you up and around.

Looks like we can rule out the bus terminal.

Goodbye, Kirk. Hey, Phil, those are nice loafers. What size are those? Hey, come

on. Have some sympathy for the shoeless. Now,

do you realize I've waited up half the night for you? Well, why would you do

that? Because you stayed out late and you did not call.

Well, men my age don't call their sons when they go out late. I don't care what

other men do.

Right now, you're living in my house, and if you want the privilege of staying

out late, you'll call.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

words. Next time I'll call.

Where are you going? I've got a fact. I've got to be in Binghamton by five o

'clock. Wait just a second. We are not through here yet.

John, what is it? I want to know what you were doing out all night. I was with

Kate. I know you were with Kate. What were the two of you doing until six o

'clock in the morning? I think I'm entitled to an answer.

Okay, okay. You are entitled to an answer. The answer is none of your

None of my business. I knew it. I knew it. I thought there was nothing going on

between you and Kate. There isn't.

Lucy, did I ever tell you the story about the guy with the hammer?

Never used it once in his life.

One day, a neighbor borrowed it.

And all of a sudden, this guy couldn't live without his hammer.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Well, that's what this thing with Kate's all about.

She's your hammer. Oh, Dad, get off that. Now, if you have some problem with

Kate, don't take it out on me.

Dad! What?

I'll help you pack.

Before you go, you promised to fix the legs on my dresser, remember?

Oh, right.

You got a hammer I can borrow?

Here's a picture of my little Nigel in the living room taking his first step.

And here he is climbing up on a kitchen chair for the first time.

And here he is in the emergency room getting his first bitch in.

Hi, Kate.

Well, now that everybody's here, I suppose we can begin.

What about John? He's not here.

John called to say he wouldn't be coming tonight. Something about grading

midterm exams.

So, who'd like to begin? Kate!

What have you been up to lately?

Oh, nothing much.

Nothing much.

Kirk, is there something you find amusing? Perhaps you'd like to share it

the rest of us? Well, it's just that Kate and, um...

Me and what, Kirk?

Are you sure there haven't been any new wrinkles in your love life?

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

Well...

He just happened to know that you and Phil went out on a date last night and

that he didn't get home till six o 'clock this morning.

So what does that tell us?

Kate's cabinets were in really bad shape?

Kate, are you and June's father wrong?

Louise!

Was he good?

Apparently John has done more than enough talking already.

Yes. People call me sensitive.

Why did you insist on teasing Kate about John's father? There's nothing wrong

with an older person dating someone younger. That's right.

Last year I dated a man much younger than me. We had a wonderful May

romance.

Isn't that May, December?

Yes, but I lied about my age.

Another rerun.

Rerun.

Kate! Come on in.

It's men like you that make women like me glad that there are fewer men like

you.

Well, we all do what we can.

You come off deciding that you know what your father and I did and then turning

it into something cheap by sniggling about it with Kirk. I did not sniggle

anything, not with Kirk or with anyone.

Then how come the whole community center is talking about me and Phil?

Oh, well, Kirk was here this morning when my father came in.

Oh, come on, John. No, no, no, that's the truth. I swear it. It's the truth.

Oh, you expect me to believe that Kirk was here at 6 in the morning?

What was he doing, borrowing sugar?

No, shoes.

I'm innocent, Kate, really. I'm innocent.

Well, if you're so innocent, why didn't you show up at the group tonight?

I had midterm exams to grade. Yeah, goodbye, John. All right, all right.

if you must know, I just couldn't face you.

I felt uncomfortable about what you and my father did.

All right?

Hey, you have no idea what Phil and I did.

And besides, my personal life is my own business.

You and I are not lovers, John. We're buddies, remember?

Buddies don't get jealous.

I'm not jealous.

Well, you're sure acting like you're jealous. I'm not jealous. No, I'm not

jealous. You're jealous. All right, all right, all right. Maybe I am. Ha, ha.

Okay, I'm jealous. I don't know why, but I'm really, really jealous.

Well, that's stupid, John. I mean, make up your mind. What are we? Are we

friends or are we lovers?

Do you want to be lovers?

What do you want?

Okay, John. Come on.

Let's be lovers. Come on. Let's stop.

What's the matter, John?

Don't you want me? Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Well, which is it, John?

Well, I guess when push comes to shove, it's yes.

What are you doing?

I'm catching up. You're two buttons ahead.

Neither do I.

I just want to be lovers.

I don't know.

So I guess we're just buddies, right?

I guess so.

Right. Right.

Okay. All right.

Well, I guess I'll see you next week, buddy.

Okay, next week.

Oh, and, uh, John.

I didn't sleep with your father.

Hey, you didn't have to tell me that.

I really don't care.