Original subtitles

You know, come on, now that you have time to think about it, what do you say?

All right, how about without your sister?

Kirk, Kirk, we gotta talk.

The Swiss watch you sold me stopped working.

What? I want my $40 back. Let me see it.

Well, he's a very sensitive timepiece. Now, be honest with me.

While you were wearing this, did you do any skydiving?

Not that I recall.

Well, they're also very sensitive to magnetic fields. You weren't down in a

nuclear sub with this, were you? No, I swear!

All right, because they're very delicate instruments.

There,

it's going.

Now, be careful with it.

For $40, and a day and a half later, it didn't work.

I tell Kirk to give me my money back.

Kirk, you give me my money back! Ralph, I told you I cannot get your money back.

The jeweler I bought these watches from relocated. Yeah, he moved to another

alley.

Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourself taking advantage of an innocent guy

like Ralph. John, you know I would never do anything like that.

Ralph, here.

Take mine.

They're identical.

We'll switch.

Thanks, Kirk.

Don't ever accuse me of trying to take advantage of anyone again.

Huh. My miss.

One by one.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, Kate. Hi, Louise.

Louise?

Are you okay?

No, I'm...

group tonight might take my mind off it, but I don't think it's going to work.

Good night, everybody.

Wait a minute.

Don't go. Don't go. Tell us. What's wrong?

I just spent the last hour on the phone with my family back in England and...

And?

And they're flying in to visit me.

Uh -oh.

Once again, PMS rears its ugly head.

You too?

Please, please. What's wrong with your family coming to visit you? I'm in such

trouble.

I told my parents I'm married. I didn't want my father to know that my baby

Nigel was born out of wedlock.

So you invented a husband, huh? I had to.

My father's extremely rigid and proper and already thinks I'm totally immoral.

Imagine, one tiny...

involving the boys' rugby team and a girl's got a reputation.

Tell me about it.

Engine Company 39.

And when my father learns the truth, he'll never speak to me again. He'll cut

off from the family.

I'm sure your mother will have something to say about that.

My mother's even more intimidated by my father than I am.

And my jealous sister will be so delighted to do cartwheels all the way

London.

Wow, I can only do from the kitchen to the living room.

Isn't there anything you could do about it? How?

They're all arriving tomorrow night.

Expecting to meet my husband, Richard.

The brilliant surgeon.

You told them he was a surgeon? John, please.

You wouldn't expect me to marry a general practitioner, would you?

Well, I guess you're just going to have to tell him the truth then. I mean,

you've got no other choice.

Unless you can get someone to pretend to be your husband.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't look at me. No way am I going to pretend to be Louise's husband.

Now, sorry.

Forget it.

Thank you, John.

I knew I shouldn't have come to this stupid meeting tonight.

Oh, you're a mummy good boy. Yes, you are.

Here you go.

Well, Nigel, this is it. Your grandfather's here.

long ago.

I'm surprised you haven't dropped some of that weight by now.

Dad is parking the car. He'll be up in a minute. He just loves driving on the

wrong side of the road.

After that long trip, I bet I look an absolute fright.

And you'd win that bet.

How do rooms round there?

Well, and when are we going to meet your rich...

Plus the misplaced McKees again.

Richard?

Richard?

Richard, it's Mama. It's Richard.

Oh, this is the mother.

Hello there.

Delighted to meet you at last, Richard.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had an emergency appendectomy.

I thought Louise said you were a brain surgeon.

Oh, so that's why they shaved his head.

Yes. Oh, Richard, I have something for you.

A box of Cuban cigars.

Cigars? You love those.

I love them. Thank you.

So, uh, where is the old ball and chain, anyway?

Ah, yo, sweet lips, Dr.

Buns is home.

spend a lot of time away.

Quick,

where do we keep the tea?

Don't worry, I found it.

What? You're smoking a cigar.

This?

Oh, yes.

It's been so long since I've had a good Cuban.

Now, Audrey, Mom, why don't you go back in the kitchen and make us the tea?

We'll be right in.

What the hell is that idiot doing out there?

She's taking pictures.

I mean, Kurt.

The same things you are, pretending to be my husband.

Please, it's your father.

Oh, no, just get in the kitchen and keep Mother busy.

You're in a lot of trouble, Louise.

I'm coming,

I'm coming.

Father.

You think the wife of a doctor could afford to live in a building with a

elevator?

Now, where's that grandson of mine? I can't wait to give him the present I

brought him.

Really? Yeah, your husband's bringing it up right now.

Oh, was that Father at the door, dear? Yes, but he's having a bit of a lie down

after the long trip. And it's also time to put little Nigel to bed. Oh, dear.

Well, let me help you.

I'd like to hear about the emergency lobotomy you performed.

Lobotomy? While on safari. Safari?

In Africa.

Africa? Last summer.

Last summer?

Louise wrote and told us all about it. Oh, that lobotomy. Yes, of course.

Yes, you see, there was this Kalahari bushman with a terrible temper. And no

medical plan, by the way.

Oh, look at him.

Oh, he's going to make our family really proud.

Lucky devil, he's got my nose.

Speaking of the family nose, how's Cousin Edna?

You no longer have a Cousin Edna.

She had a child out of wedlock.

Never, ever speak her name in my presence again.

Yes, but it's always nice to catch up on family.

And it's always nice to put little Nigel...

bed? Uh, yeah.

It's, uh, quarter to three.

Or almost midnight.

I'm gonna kill that.

You two put the baby in his crib and don't come out until you're absolutely

done. He's asleep.

What is Rossy doing here?

It's about the watch, isn't it?

Oh, good. That knows.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, Louise is so lucky.

Richard, I want you.

I want all of you.

How's this?

And sexual, ma 'am.

I could make you very happy.

Sarah, you don't understand. I want to, but I can't.

Well, there are only, um, sexual problems.

You guys got that written on your family thread?

Sarah, you got me all wrong.

But you got me.

So, how are you enjoying your...

...your

visit to America?

Get out of my... If you don't believe me, you can ask Richard yourself.

Your mother just slapped my...

I'm Louisa's husband, you moron. John, leave. That is no way to talk to a

doctor.

I'll be right back.

We work together and save a fortune on stationery.

I tell you what.

Why don't you two go into the kitchen and make up a nice tray of tea and

biscuits? Doctors love to nibble. Especially on heirlooms.

I can't take this anymore.

Well, just let the blood rush to your head. I think... Louise!

What are you doing in another man's arms? I don't mind, Mom.

I'm not.

I have no husband.

Little Nigel was born out of wedlock. Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, where have all the doctors gone?

Which doctors?

Some associates of Richard dropped by, but they had to leave. There was an

emergency at the hospital. Have some tea.

All right, but first I must use your bathroom.

Please.

But, Louise... I'll have to do first.

Louise, please, it was a very long flight.

is empty, we're going right back through that window.

That locked window.

Very impressive.

The water's a very deep blue over here.

That's not a wonderful idea.

Why don't we take the baby and go for a drive in that wonderful car you rented?

Capital idea.

Thank you, Daddy. You'll never know how good I'll feel to get out of here.

Hi, precious.

What a rough day at the hospital.

Who are you?

I'm Louise's husband, Richard.

I've already met her husband.

Oh.

Never mind.

without marrying his father.

I'm an unwed mother.

Well, this really was worth the trip.

Any daughter who has a child out of wedlock is no daughter of mine.

Come, Audrey.

Come, Sarah. We're leaving. I hope this doesn't disturb you too much, dear, but

I'm not going.

She's my daughter, too, and I still love her no matter what she's done.

Is that all right?

Orville, what's come over you?

I'm warning you. You keep this up and Disney World is out.

Oh, leave them alone, Father.

I'm the one you're angry with.

I'm sorry I disappointed you. I'm sorry for a lot of things. But I'm not sorry I

made the decision to raise a child with love.

At your mercy, a second.

Did you hear that, Audrey? Yes, dear.

Well, a little bastard doesn't grow up to be as stupid as I am.

You're beginning to like me after all, aren't you, Daddy?

I can't believe you're letting her get away with this.

At least she doesn't still live at home.

and a little bit of supper afterwards. Oh, that's a lovely idea.

Oh, no.

Rain!

I do hope it's not going to spoil our entire vacation. Oh, don't worry, Daddy.

It's not like the rain in England. It probably won't last for more than four

five hours.

Oh, that's all right, then. Come on.

A client is the liable case, and an office intern is liable to get Rollins

trouble. This is Blair Underwood. Join us on L .A. Law next.

And NBC's Saturday night's a blockbuster with all new episodes of 227, Amen, the

Golden Girls, and Emptiness Saturday.

Yes, of course you can. What is it?

Are you ever going to get married again?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess if I ever met someone I could spend the rest of my life with, someone

who would cheer me up when I was down, someone who would be there when I needed

her, someone I could love, you know, someone who could love me, yes, then I

think I would get married again.

Why do you ask?

Because you could sure use someone to clean up this place.