Original subtitles

Bye.

John is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hi, guys. Hey, Ralph.

Good, good. I'm glad we're all here.

Okay.

Well, now that everyone is here, I just wanted to say that I spoke to Louise

this afternoon, and, well, she's not coming tonight.

Her doctor recommended that she take it a little easy, you know, since the baby

is due any day now.

She has so much to look forward to.

I remember the morning after my baby was born.

The intern came in, cranked up my bed.

Oh, I just couldn't wait to get that little bundle of joy under the covers of

and just kiss him all over.

But he had other patients he had to take care of.

Yeah, well, anyhow, Louise did express every confidence that we could carry on

without her.

Is it too soon to take a break?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I almost forgot.

Louise mentioned that the community center is sponsoring something called

Society Night. It's a dance for all the groups that meet here.

Actually, I can't make it that night.

She didn't say what night it is.

It's the 11th. Nope, can't make it.

What are you doing?

I think what Kirk means is, what specifically are you afraid of? The

crowds, open places, closed places, snakes, the Pope.

No, Ralph, Ralph.

But the saying is, what's specifically about this thing? The Pope?

Yeah, it's called papophobia.

Ralph, the Pope is busy. He won't make it. Believe me.

Sure, him you believe.

Okay.

Ralph, you say that you're afraid of everything. Now, is it possible that

afraid of fear itself?

That, too. It's called phobophobia.

Ralph, Ralph, what about this dance is causing you anxiety?

Well, there's this woman that I've sort of been admiring from afar, and

I'm afraid she's going to be at the dance.

Well, lay it on. Janice, Ralphie, who is this bright, elusive butterfly of love?

She teaches one of the art classes here at the community center. But, Kirk, I

would rather not mention any names.

Barbara Ralston?

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.

Hey, Ralph, that is great. You're going to get a chance to meet.

Ralph, I know that you're a little uncomfortable with women, but I... No,

Magic went out of our marriage.

Ralphie, are you telling us that you always freeze when you're out with a

No. Sometimes I destroy things.

Oh, come on, Ralph. What have you ever destroyed?

A 74 Datsun, a clarinet, three plate glass windows, a photo mat. Ralph.

Well, actually, the Datsun and the photo mat were the same date.

Ralph, Ralph, Ralph. Listen, listen. I'll tell you what.

What if we help you prepare for this dance?

You know, like, coach him.

It's a great idea.

You would do that for me? You bet we would, Ralphie.

I'm going to start right now.

Wardrobe is everything.

Dress like me, Ralph, and you cannot go wrong.

Do you really think that will get her interested?

There's a man in my neighborhood who dresses like Kirk.

He's constantly surrounded by girls.

Of course, he's a pimp.

Kirk, this is a black tie affair. Ralph is going to have to rent a tuxedo. Yeah,

and we're going to have to find someone to teach him how to dance. No, no, I

know how to dance.

My mother used to make me take lessons with my cousin Hillary.

What I don't know how to do is talk to women.

Oh, nonsense.

Come on, Ralph. There's nothing to it. Come here.

Now, pretend that I'm Barbara, okay? We'll have a conversation right now.

Hi,

Ralph.

Hello.

you around the community center, and I think I'd really like to get to know

No kidding.

Yep, and here we are, and I'm getting to know you, and I think you're really

nice. Well, I think you're really nice, too.

See, there you go, girl.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

I don't think I'm afraid anymore.

Now can you do the pulp?

Besides, you're not like Barbara at all. I understand. She's young and sexy.

All right, Ralph.

She really knows how to dress.

John. Yes, let me take a shot of this. Ralph.

Ralph.

You say you freeze around women.

Well, believe it or not, I used to be the same way.

But my dad gave me a tip. If you can't think of what to say, just repeat what

your date says, only.

Always include the word more.

Yeah, she says, the orchestra is wonderful.

You say, the orchestra is more than wonderful.

Okay? Okay. Okay.

Hmm. These hors d 'oeuvres are delicious.

Hmm.

These hors d 'oeuvres are more than delicious.

I have to go to the bathroom.

More than cut out for us.

Why, they really fixed this place up great.

Everything looks so elegant.

Yeah.

Everyone looks like they've stepped out of a Fred Astaire movie.

that, Kirk.

Which what?

It's called stallion plus, General.

Thank you, partner. It's got pheromones in it.

Pheromones? Yeah, pheromones. They've been empirically proven in scientific

studies to attract members of the opposite sex.

Where did you obtain this technical information?

Cycle Sluts magazine.

You know, you must be an Idiot, if you think that stuff is going to work.

Oh, well, certainly not on you, Madame Frigidaire.

See, it says right here, ineffective at sub -zero temperatures.

Hey, hey, there's Ralph. Ralph. Hey, Ralph, over here.

Ralphie, you made it.

Oh, you look great.

I feel great.

You're going to do fine.

I'm going to do more than fine.

There she is. I'm out. Come on. You don't mean that. Come on, Ralph. You

you were going to try.

Yeah, but what if I ask her to dance?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ralphie, Ralphie, Ralphie.

Remember what I told you?

What?

It doesn't matter what she says. Right.

Who cares if she rejects me? Right. Who cares what she thinks? Right. She's

probably a cold, selfish bitch anyway. Exactly.

So, go on.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no! No,

no, no, no, no!

Just consider this.

She's standing over there all by herself, wondering if anybody's going to

her to dance.

Who knows?

She's lonely, unsure of herself, insecure.

The woman's a mess. What'd I ever see in her?

Just go over and ask her to dance. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

She'll scream at you. She'll slap you in the face a couple times, knee you in

the groin, spit on you.

You learned to live with it.

Kirk, no one is going to do anything like that to Ralph. Oh, of course not.

You're right. You're right.

I'm going to be a man and go.

All right, Ralph.

We're going to be right here, rooting for you.

Now, just hold on.

Go on.

He's going to do it.

He's really going to do it. I am really proud of our Ralphie. This isn't easy

for him.

This is the biggest step of his life.

As soon as he strikes out, I'm all over that babe like fur on a weasel.

At least he made it this far.

I think we should have insisted on dance lessons.

Oh, Kay said he knew how to dance. Oh, come on, Kay. Think about it. Ralph

dancing?

Bye.

to dance like that?

Everybody's got hidden talents.

Some people are dancers.

Other people are...

Lovers.

Believe me, Kay, one night with me, you would never look at another man.

You're right.

I'd put my eyes out.

Just look at them. They haven't even spoken to each other.

Who needs to speak when you can dance like that?

You know, you are a very mysterious man.

And I like that.

He's scoring.

Can you believe that? Ralphie is actually scoring.

And for the rest of us, it's... strikeout city.

Has anyone ever told you you are a fantastic dancer?

Take another whiff.

Kirk, ever since we got here, you've been making me sniff you. Would you give

a rest, Kirk, please?

Anyway, I don't know why I thought this stuff would ever work on Princess

Permafrost.

Wait a second.

What?

I want you.

I need you.

What? I have to have you. There is a God.

I must be wearing off.

Speak for yourself, Kate. Kirk. What?

I want you. I need you.

I must have you.

Stuff doesn't work and I got ripped off.

All I got to do is figure out what I'm going to do with seven cases of this

crap.

Hi, guys.

You were doing great out there.

Yeah, and Barbara was loving.

Yeah, she's putty in my hands.

What am I supposed to do now?

What do you mean?

Well, she wants me to take her back to her place.

All right, Ralph.

No, that's not all right. She's only interested in one thing, and I'm not

I'm ready.

Oh, now, aren't you jumping to conclusions? No, she said as soon as we

to her apartment, she expects us to talk.

T word.

Now, remember, you guys, you said you'd be there for me.

Well, let's get a move on. Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I'm

going there alone.

Oh, come on, Rob. We got you this far. You're a big boy.

We're not going to take you by the hand and take you home to the apartment of a

woman we've never even met.

I'm certainly glad you could all make it back here.

We came to the dance together and Ralph didn't feel that he could leave us.

That's the way he is. He's so considerate.

He's the most considerate man I've ever met.

Oh, I could sense that about you, Ralph.

Why don't you all sit down and I'll get us something to eat.

Okay, we got you here.

I'm starting to feel a little awkward, you know? I mean, what if things go

between you and her?

I think we should leave. No, no, no, don't go, don't go.

Come on, Ralph. If I start to feel okay, I'll give you a signal and then you can

go. What kind of a signal?

Oh, I don't know.

I saw this in a movie.

How did it go?

Ralph,

Ralph, don't make any crow noises, okay?

It was an owl.

Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.

When you want us to leave, all you have to do is say, Oh, my, look at the time.

Here you go.

I found some crackers and cheese. I hope it'll be all right. Oh, that looks

lovely.

Wasn't tonight romantic?

I mean, it was just like being in a Hollywood musical.

Oh, yeah.

As a matter of fact, Ralph was just saying he wishes there was some way we

all have a little of this romantic spirit in our everyday lives.

Oh, well, Ralph, that's lovely.

I have a nice bottle of wine that will go with that. And why doesn't someone

make a fire?

Oh, Ralph will do it.

You know, he always says that sitting in front of an open fire is like looking

into the soul of nature.

Oh, Ralph, where have you been all my life?

You know, you're right.

This is a piece of cake.

Come on, it's all set up just like, you know, atmosphere.

Women like that, right?

Yeah. You know, John, she's getting the wine and he's lighting the fire.

I really don't think we're needed anymore.

Right. Good night, Ralph. No, no, no, you can't leave now.

You've got her in the palm of my hand. The minute you think you've got things

under control, remember the signal.

Oh, my, look at the time.

I found a nice cabernet. Oh, a little wine. Well.

Wow, this is really your territory.

I'm sure Ralph would like to do the honors.

Yes, did you know that Ralph is very knowledgeable about wine? Well, I'm sure

is. I mean, anyone who dresses and dances the way he does is...

Obviously a man of sophistication. Oh, yes, Ralph knows all about wine,

especially when to stop pouring. Stop pouring it up!

Oh, my God!

Oh,

quick, there's some club soda in the kitchen. Which Ralph would be glad to

You know, this happens to me all the time. A little club soda will get that

right out. It's all right, actually. I mean, he'll probably come out.

Don't give it another thought.

Let's look on the bright side.

This evening has no place to go but up.

I thought you took it fairly well.

Yeah, and the neighbors were pretty understanding, too.

When the sprinklers go off in one apartment, they go off in all of the

Poor Ralph.

He wanted to impress us so much.

Maybe he would have done better without us. Well, he couldn't have done any

worse.

I have to tell you guys, that was the best date I ever had in my life.

Well, you know, all things considered.

Do you think it's too soon to call her? I'd wait.

For the fireman to lead, Ralph.

You're right.

You're right.

You know, you guys are great.

I really appreciate your help.

Now, I want to do something nice for you. I'm going to make us a pot of tea.

just have to light the stove.

I already turned on the gas.

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Then stick your nose into Empty Nest as Harry plays Cyrano.