Original subtitles

filmed before a live studio audience.

It's like I told Michael Jackson, Mikey, I don't care if they are your brothers.

Dump them.

Fixed his nose, couple of buckles, the rest is history.

You know Michael Jackson?

Ralphie, you know me. I do not like to brag, but you know the moonwalk thing?

-huh. It's mine.

Show him, Kirk.

I know I can't do it. It's a contractual thing.

Damn. But if you like, I can tell you about when Springsteen and I used to

around. You know him, too? Are you kidding me?

I'm the one he calls the boss.

I don't usually care for rock music, but there's something about that Bruce

Springsteen, isn't there? Oh, yes.

I think it's his butt.

Hi, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late.

I was out the door when I got this phone call.

It was from somebody I hadn't seen since I was a teenager.

Anyway, I cut it short as best I could.

Not on our account.

No, it's okay. We agreed to meet later for dinner.

So, is this someone that you grew up with?

In a manner of speaking.

So, what have I missed?

Anybody notice a certain something in the air?

What is that?

Aftershave, isn't it? Yeah, but it's such a familiar scent.

Something tells me that this old acquaintance of John's may just be of

jiggle gender.

Listen, Craig, this is none of your own business. It's canoe.

It's what?

It's canoe.

Oh, when I was a teenager, it was the aphrodisiac of choice.

Oh, God. I remember my junior prom. Bobby Fishoff was so drenched in this

that the backseat of my parents' car reeked of it for weeks.

I say backseat? Sure did.

Well, that's because Bobby always rode in the backseat. Really?

Well, I would drive in the front seat, he would ride in the backseat.

He would get carsick.

Poor baby.

He would ride all the way with his head sticking out the window.

You sure it wasn't your feet sticking out the window?

That's crazy. Kirk, how could she drive with her feet out the window?

Cruise control.

Now, John, maybe you'd like to tell us exactly why all of a sudden you smell

like the boys' room at the sock hop.

All right, all right. You've all obviously guessed that the person I'm

is a woman.

Oh, okay.

And the reason I'm wearing this particular cologne is it just happens to

I was wearing at the time we met.

Oh, well, so I guess it's safe to assume that this is an old flame?

Well, I mean, yeah, sort of.

All right, look, if you really must know, it's the first woman that I ever,

well,

you know.

No, I don't know.

I never know. You always know. I don't ever see her.

She's the one who left his pony out of the barn.

Oh.

Did you ever get it back?

No, Ralph.

She's the woman to whom John surrendered his virginity.

This stuff is called canoe?

I remember my first time.

It was a beautiful, moonlit night. Night, early spring, sultry breeze.

I'm walking in the park.

I come across the classiest, most beautiful, most gorgeous woman I have

seen. One thing leads to another. We head off to her apartment, and that is

where I fired the shot.

Heard around the world.

I remember my first time. It was at a tea dance in Hampstead Heath.

Freddie Smythe Tarkington walked over to me, bowed just the way he'd been

taught, and very politely asked if he could have the pleasure.

So I went upstairs and gave it to him.

What about you, Kate? Tell us about your first time. Uh, I think she just did,

remember? Little Miss Framqueen grinding gears with backseat Bobby.

Why don't you tell us about your first experience?

Uh, can I wait until our next meeting to talk about that?

Of course you can, dear.

I've got my work cut out for me this week.

John, you started all this. Tell us about your passage into manhood.

Well, you know, I can remember it like it was yesterday.

It was the summer after I turned 15.

And I was at this resort in the Catskills with my parents.

I was at the pool one day, and I just had a great backflip.

And I was laying out on the towel, and suddenly I hear this female voice

Hello?

So I look up in the sun, and there were these long, long legs. I mean, they went

on forever.

Somewhere at the top, somebody had built a beautiful girl.

I mean, you can't imagine what she looked like.

Who can't?

Her tawny, supple form straining the flimsy fabric of her French bikini.

please.

Well, anyway, as it turned out, Yvonne and I, you know, we kind of got to

talking and, well, we hit it off.

So much so that she asked me to meet her at the golf course at 11 o 'clock that

night. Sounds like a pretty good tee -off time.

Yeah, well... I, uh... She brought along this bottle of Portuguese red wine.

Boy, I tell you, between what she looked like in the moonlight and that wine,

she was a fantasy come true.

So, at 11 .20 on the fifth fairway, I became a man.

And what about it do you remember, Beth?

Trying to replace the divots.

You know, you'll never guess what I said to her when we were done.

What?

Gee whiz, you're some nifty lady.

John, was this her first time, too?

No, I don't think so, Ralph. She's a little older and a lot more experienced

than I was.

And how long did you two maintain contact?

Perhaps I should rephrase that. No, it's okay.

I don't know. She left the next morning, and I never saw or heard from her

again.

So where are you two going tonight?

Oh, we're just going to have a drink around the corner, and then I've got

reservations for this little restaurant.

Which little restaurant?

Le Chardonnay. Ooh.

How romantic.

Isn't that the restaurant over by the golf course?

Uh, no.

No, Kirk, it's not by the golf course.

All dressed up, aftershave, romantic restaurant.

Seems to me like you're trying to rekindle that old flame.

Yeah, well, what's so bad about trying to relive one of the most exciting

experiences of my life?

I'd love to relive my first time.

Took place on a submarine.

Really, dear?

I didn't know that they allowed women in submarines.

Well, they don't as a rule, but...

The crew took a vote.

John, I don't think I can lose my virginity this week.

Monday's my standing appointment with the dermatologist.

Tuesday is my day to clean the turtle tank.

I have my allergist on Wednesday. Thursday, I spend all day in the

line. By Friday, I'm so exhausted, it's all I can do to make it to the meeting.

What am I talking about? My life's so full. Who's got time for women?

Oh, there she is.

Oh, thanks for the talk, John.

You're such a great listener.

Yeah, any time, Ralph.

Well.

Hello.

You look terrific.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

How about me? Have I changed?

Well, that's hard to say.

I've never met you before.

You mean you're not Yvonne?

No.

Then I'm making a complete fool of myself.

It would seem so.

Yes, well, I'm sorry. My mistake.

It's all right. Sorry.

Doesn't mean you don't look great.

John. Hi.

It's me, Yvonne.

Oh, yes, of course.

Yvonne, I'd know you anywhere. It is so good to see you.

Yeah.

Come, let's sit down.

Boy, you haven't changed a bit.

Well...

I don't know about that, but thanks anyway.

So, uh, what are you drinking? Oh, well, actually, I don't have time for that.

And about dinner, I'm afraid I have to cancel.

Oh, really? Uh, no.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Well, uh, listen, I understand completely.

I haven't told you the reason yet. The reason? Say, listen, we go back 30

Who needs reasons?

I'm supposed to go to Connecticut to visit my grandchildren.

Grandchildren? You have grandchildren?

I so rarely see them, I just couldn't say no.

Yes, well, of course, I understand you're wanting to go up there. I mean,

probably never get enough time to play with them. No, not since they went away

to law school.

Law school.

Well, listen, I'm really sorry this didn't work out. I mean, maybe when

in town next time we could try again.

And hey...

Let's not let it be another 30 years, okay?

Oh, great. What about next Saturday?

This year?

A week from tomorrow, about 7 o 'clock.

Well, uh, sure, fine.

Oh, and John.

Yeah? You know, I was thinking, instead of going to a restaurant, why don't we

find some place that's a little more private?

Private? You know, some place that's a little more intimate.

Intimate? What about your apartment?

My, uh... Well, I can always bring that Portuguese red wine that you like so

much. Remember?

Yes, of course. The Portuguese. How can I forget?

Next weekend.

Uh, fine.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Oh, John, how did it go with the old flame?

Yeah, you two go for that little bounce down memory lane.

Please, Kirk, it's none of our business.

The man asked you a question.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but there's really nothing to report.

She had some last -minute family obligations and couldn't make the dinner

all. She'd rather be with her family than the Lothario of the Lynx.

Well, she said she hadn't seen her grandchildren in a while, and...

Grandchildren? Just how old is this woman?

Well, she's, uh... What's the difference how old she is? Well, let me ask you

this, John.

If the two of you went to the movies together, could one of you get in for

price?

Look, uh, suffice it to say that when we first met, she was somewhat older than

I thought she was, and she's even older now.

Oh.

Oh, it's a good thing she had other plans, John. Sounds like you really

bullet.

Or should I say musket ball.

Listen,

I'm not sure that I've dodged anything.

She wants to come to my apartment tomorrow night for dinner.

I don't know what to do.

You can always make a nice salad.

No, Ralph. There's that delicious salmon you make. No, Ralph, don't you

understand? The problem is she's coming over tomorrow night. She's not

interested in dinner. She's interested in me.

John, John, don't you think you might be jumping to conclusions?

She's coming to my apartment tomorrow night to have an intimate evening to

up for lost time.

She's even bringing a bottle of our favorite wine.

Yep, sounds like she's ready to do the back nine.

Come on, John, she's an older woman. Maybe she just needs someone to talk to,

shoulder to lean on. A lap to sit on.

to nibble on.

A face to suck on. Oh.

All right, that's it. I'm canceling. I'm canceling. Why, John?

Because she's looking for a romantic evening and I'm just not interested.

Well, whatever happened to Gee Whiz, your sum nifty lady?

Yeah, you were interested a week ago.

Well, last week I still had this romantic fantasy from 30 years ago. But

reality is, there's nothing between Yvonne and me anymore. I mean, there's

chemistry. And there was back then?

There was chemistry.

John, you told us that this woman came into your life at a very critical

juncture. You were needy and insecure, and she did wonders for your self

-esteem. Well...

Did it ever occur to you that she may have reached a point in her life where

self -esteem could use a little bolstering? Louise is right.

Now, what's wrong with giving her a little romance?

You know, a nice bottle of wine, some soft music, a candlelit dinner?

Well, when you put it that way, I... I don't know.

For dessert, she could be expecting a heaping portion of John Jubilee.

Hey, wait a minute. You know, Kirk is right.

I mean, if I set up a romantic evening, she's liable to expect that we're going

to end up in bed together.

What would be wrong with that?

Seems like she did something nice for you once.

Well, I mean, if you sleep with someone just to spare their feelings, don't you

think they know it?

Not if you do it right.

Hubert.

Ah, Yvonne.

For you.

Do you greet everyone who comes to your door like this? Yes, of course.

Except for the newspaper boy.

Wouldn't want the neighbors to get the wrong idea.

May I take this?

Thank you.

Oh, I see you brought the wine.

Portuguese red, just like I told you.

Please, have a seat.

Thank you.

Would you mind if I open the wine now?

Oh, that would be nice.

Would you like to smell the cab?

Oh, excellent.

I thought so.

So, did you have any trouble getting here?

No, I was lucky.

I had an English -speaking cab driver.

Oh, good.

So I guess he's working tonight, huh?

Oh.

So how was Connecticut?

Oh, it was beautiful.

Yes, I always say Connecticut is my favorite section of New York.

So what have you been doing with yourself all week?

Oh, everything.

the museum. Oh. Did you catch that O 'Keeffe exhibit at the Metropolitan?

Oh, it was wonderful.

I could have spent the whole day there.

Yes, I know what you mean.

I, uh, I don't know which one of her paintings are my favorite.

I guess, uh, what with the cityscapes and the, uh, the wonderful barns and

exquisite flowers.

John. Yes.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

Your hand.

My hand?

What is it doing?

Doing?

Why is it there?

Isn't that what you came here for?

No.

You mean you didn't expect...

To sleep with me tonight?

Sleep with you.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Well, you don't have to laugh at me.

Oh, come on. It's not such a crazy idea now.

Look, I admit I'm not Paul Newman, but on the other hand...

It really is kind of funny, isn't it?

It is funny.

Oh, come on, it's not that funny.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, I'm really very confused. I mean, if you didn't come here for that,

why the wine? Why my apartment?

Because I wanted to say something to you. I wanted to tell you how guilty

been feeling all these years.

Guilty? Why?

Because I took advantage of you.

You're a sensitive 15 -year -old boy.

I was lonely, and I used you to fill a need, and then I just vanished out of

your life.

You mean to say that's what this is all about?

That's it.

But I did realize one thing.

I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

Because you have turned out to be such a terrific guy.

Hey, listen.

Let me tell you, I mean, you don't have to feel guilty anymore.

I mean, I was a gawky, klutzy kid.

And you, you were a dream come true, Yvonne.

Oh.

Well, now that we got that out of the way, I feel a lot better.

So, shall we?

To us.

To us.

And the Portuguese red wine.

Gee whiz.

You're some nifty lady.

This Monday on the Fox... So, you meet the woman of your

dreams, but there's something about her that might be a problem.

Mike Myers stars in the hilarious comedy, So I Married an Axe Murderer,

at 8. You're watching Fox 29, again.