Original subtitles

In the city of angels, under cover of night, people are drowning

in a sea of light.

The devil holding your life on the line.

Angels are calling, rain for time.

Something's got to give, something's got to bring.

I'm going in.

Thank you.

Good job. I got her. Hey, bring her over here. Hey, give us a hand.

You ready?

Give me your hand.

All right. One, two, three, go.

Grab her arm.

All right.

Help me. Push her up. Push her up. Quick.

Pull her up. You got her?

Get the man.

There are many differences between being a lifeguard and being a P .I.

Lifeguards run on sand.

P .I .s run on everything.

I realized that as I chased after a boardwalk con man we've been staking out

day. You know, John Lennon once said, and it's a wise proverb, too, that life

what happens when you're busy making plans.

I didn't plan on meeting a beautiful woman during a fifth one.

Back off, man.

Just leave me alone.

No way, man.

I chased you too far.

I'll let you go now.

Now, come on.

Give it up, huh?

You want me to hurt her, huh?

What's your name?

Cindy. Cindy.

Sorry about this.

A drowned man wearing a woman's dress, a knockout named Cindy, and a man in a

Nixon mask.

Funny how one thing can lead to another, even if they don't seem to have

anything in common at all.

I told you to stop.

That's right until your father gets home, Junior.

It's been a wonderful night, miss.

I think we met.

Gorgeous, witty, intelligent woman.

Handsome man. A delicious candlelight dinner.

Dancing all night long. And the play.

It was wonderful, too.

Didn't you like it?

Yeah, it was okay.

It was a little long.

Really?

It didn't seem that way to me.

Actually, three hours and five minutes.

I didn't notice.

It was so sad.

You must have gone through 20 cleanups. No, you went through 25.

And how many did you go through, Mr. Macho? Oh, I think I never was.

How could you not cry?

So sad.

They were so in love, and she died.

Uh -oh, here we go again.

26.

You know what the problem with men is?

Well, I've heard that we're over sex.

Ill -mannered, insensitive, workaholic, hate to ask for directions.

Stop me when I'm wrong. I will.

You're missing the big one.

The big one?

Men are not in touch with their feminine side.

What?

Look, Mitch, you're a great guy, but it wouldn't hurt if you got in touch with

yours.

I'm in touch with my what?

Where are you going?

Wait, Cindy, wait a minute.

What happened?

We went to dinner. I was witty, charming.

We danced all night. I was graceful, attentive.

We drove up the coast to watch the sunrise, and the next thing I know is

arguing. Get your mind off it. Come help me look.

I don't want to get sand in my shoes.

What are we looking for again? The meritorious moose, Stan Feldman's

Will you hang up the phone, Cindy?

Meritorious moose?

Bogart is hired to find the Maltese falcon, and we are hired to find the

meritorious moose? Carter, a gig. A gig. Now, what's this all about with you and

Cindy?

Well, she said I wasn't in touch with my feminine side.

Your what?

My feminine side.

Oh, she's right. Most men are.

How do you know that? So I was just around here.

Hey,

hey, hey.

Out of here.

Gerardo says same thing.

Hey, hi.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, too. I don't know what happened.

But I don't know what the whole thing was about.

Okay.

Ah, good dog. Good boy.

Me?

I'm, um...

I'm moose hunting.

Found it.

Okay. See you later, darling.

Man, that's...

Tired?

Dog.

You get the moose metal?

Recovered it?

And got it.

Well, I have some good news, too.

We might have a case.

Oh, I hope it's somebody who's got some money.

His name is Chris Vogel. He called this morning. He sounded really scared.

What's the problem?

I don't know. He's supposed to meet us at night for 15 minutes, give us the

whole story.

Where's Mitch?

Hey, inside, calling Cindy.

What you got there?

Mine.

There.

Don't even think about it.

Hey, you gotta handle the bills from now on. I cannot handle the bills, okay?

I know I'm handling them all the time, and I handle them just... Whoa, whoa,

whoa.

And there's Cher.

And Madonna.

Ah, there's Marilyn Monroe.

And she's dead.

Who are these people?

Female impersonators. We've got a hell of a show.

Ryan. Yes.

Hi, I'm Chris Vogel.

Hi.

Hi. We need to hire a private detective.

It's been two days since I was attacked, and the police still got no leads.

We thought we were scared before, but now with these phone calls... How many

calls? One last night and one this morning.

What did he say?

Death threats to all of us.

You mean you and the other performers?

Yeah, myself, Randy, and Steve.

Just for the record, I think we can handle this ourselves.

We don't need you guys.

No offense.

No, no, none taken.

But what if you can't handle it without us?

No offense.

Okay, what's his name? That's Randy Dillon. Listen, don't take it personal.

plenty scared himself.

Now, Chris, about our feet?

Look, we pooled our money, and we came up with $600.

Kilo, you're next.

Chris, you want to strike your... Gotta go.

Okay, we're getting our stuff off safe.

$600. Come on, you guys. There's got to come a time when we stand by our $300

plus expenses. Come on.

Yeah.

I say we max this thing out in two days or ask for more money.

I say you're right. As usual.

I didn't say that.

You know, I hear

that

cutting edge thing in your music up there, but go listen to some Muddy and

T -Bone, you know what I'm saying?

Then come on back, we'll talk about it.

Thanks.

Hello?

Cindy?

No.

Somebody's not too happy we're on the case.

Chris. What else can you tell me about this guy? I mean, we don't have a whole

heck of a lot to talk about.

Let's see, the bat, the Nixon mask, his weird voice.

Oh, wait a second. He said something when he was chasing me. Something like,

wait till your father gets home, Junior.

Okay.

Just wait till your father gets home, Junior.

I'm telling you, I know that line from somewhere.

Maybe it's from a movie or something.

Wait a minute, guys.

That phone call I got downstairs was from the attacker.

He said, you better back off the case or you're dead. Oh, great.

So now we're risking our butts for 600 bucks.

Oh, don't pout. I'm not pouting.

So where do we start?

First thing we should do is check with the LAPD, huh? See what your buddies can

dig up on the attack.

Yeah, sure. But one of us ought to stick with Chris and his friends, huh?

What's this?

Duncan's script.

We better return this. You know how he feels about it.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on.

Fair, fair.

Pick a number between one and ten. Five.

Seven.

It's two.

Three. Five. Lower than seven.

Good.

How come you always get to pick the number?

Don't pout.

I'm not pouting.

Say hi to Dodger for us.

Mr. Ellaby? Thank you, Mr. Buchanan.

It's open.

Duncan.

Hi.

Ryan. Oh, what a nice surprise.

Come here.

Hey, who do you think should play me in the movie?

Uh, Macaulay Culkin?

Sure, sure.

Uh, I forgot your script.

Oh, God.

Thank you. Thank you. Can I get you something to drink? No. Wine, juice,

No, no, no, it's okay. No, no, no, just take a second.

You know, I'm waiting for a call from New York about the paperback right. Now

they're talking about putting out the paperback before the movie.

I had no idea.

Mother was quite an amazing woman. All those lies about a drinking problem and

violent temper. She was the perfect mother.

Sweet, gentle, kind.

Just like on the TV show.

My movie will tell the truth about Dahlia Valentine.

Hey, did you know that My Funny Valentine was the number one show for

years in the 70s? Mother was bigger than Lucille Ball.

Are the awards hers?

Yeah. She received two for this episode, performance and writing. Lucy didn't

get one for that.

Hey, can I play it for you?

No, no. Oh, Duncan, no. I'm sorry. I really have to go, okay?

I'm sorry.

Maybe some other time.

Oh, see you later, okay?

Hey, Carrie, how about a chili dog when it works, huh? All right.

Hold the mustard, the relish, the onions, and the chili.

Okay?

Hey, you. Hi. You want a chili dog?

I think we need to talk.

No problem.

I was out of line.

Sorry if I hurt your feeling.

No, no, it's okay. It's just that...

Think about the feminine side. Well, it's a little confused

Anything

the last time when was it

Kind of personalism, I'll tell you when my last

time no, no, I don't want to know

Half hour ago. Half hour ago? On the bus. On the bus?

Perfectly natural for a woman. My car broke down.

It's going to cost a lot to repair.

I have to catch the bus to work. I was late.

So I did it.

I just broke down and cried.

It's a catharsis.

It's healthy.

Okay. All right.

My last time.

I got it.

That movie.

Field of Dreams, Kevin Costner looks at his dad coming out of the cornfield and

says, Can we play catch one more time?

I cried.

Great. See, now that's progress.

Hey. Mitch.

I have something else to ask you.

It's sensitive.

No, it's okay. Go ahead. I'm on a roll.

Can I borrow your car?

My car?

Just for a little while.

You're right.

Too much dad.

No, no, it's quite all right. Take the car.

Thanks.

I think I'm going to cry.

Come work with us.

Donna, Ryan, go.

Oh, gosh, here comes Duncan Donut. Oh, he wants to thank us again.

Any ideas?

Uh, urgent meeting.

Okay, top secret. Very hush -hush government.

Well, you have a devious mind, Ryan. I like that in a woman. Hi, guys.

Oh, what a beautiful day. You would not believe the casting problems I'm having

on Viva Valen.

Meg Ryan wanted to do it. Get this.

For scale. But, you know, I had to turn her down. See, I don't need the persona

of some big star interfering with my mother's essence as a human being. I

you understand. You understand, don't you? Absolutely.

Definitely. The actress that I cast will have to understand who my mother was on

the inside.

Um, that's great, but we have to, uh, go and... Oh, oh, oh, right, right, right.

Did I tell you guys I got all the domestic rights, international rights,

and... CD -ROM rights. I'm just waiting for New York to sign up for my paperback

rights, and it is a done deal.

Whoa, look at the time.

We have a meeting, right?

Right, right, right. Gotta go, gotta go. Hang on just a second. Did I tell you

guys about Letterman and Lano? I did not. I know that I did not. They

want me to produce, write, and maybe cross your fingers, direct.

A TV movie based on their lives. Well, it might be feature, it might be TV, but

most likely it's going to air.

If you guys are good, you guys are nice, I will let you guys have a small part.

Hey.

Hey, back at you.

I talked to Mitch.

He said that the police don't have much except that Steve Cutter served six

months on an assault charge.

Well, I'll check it out.

How was Duncan?

You wouldn't believe this house.

Yeah, I would.

Just wait until your father gets home, Junior!

Steve, you in there?

Steve?

Hey, Steve.

Oh, God.

You sure you didn't see anything?

The room was dark. Somebody popped me from behind and the lights were off.

What about Randy Dillon?

No, he said he was asleep in his dressing room.

You were lucky.

We gotta nail this guy.

Steve, Chris, Randy's got a bit of an attitude.

Duncan, just wait till your father gets home, Junior.

That line, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

Damn.

There's got to be something else, you know?

Something besides...

Both victims being female impersonators.

I'm telling you, the key is here. I just don't know what it is.

Buchanan, L .A. McBride.

Oh, hey, Cindy. How you doing?

No, no, no.

Bitch? Of course. Yeah, he's sitting right here. Hold on.

Hey, honey.

Oh, that's my keys.

No, no, no. That's okay. I got a spare set.

You sure?

All right. See you later. Bye.

Very funny.

Wait a minute.

What? I got it. I got it. I got it. I got the connection.

Dahlia Valentine.

Dahlia Valentine?

The guy who played Joan Rivers said the only person who didn't do Dahlia in

their act was Sid, right?

Okay, what does that give us?

Yeah, what does that give us? That gives us... I don't know. What does that give

us?

My funny Valentine.

My funny Valentine. Come on, come on. The theme song of Dahlia's TV show.

Just wait till your father gets home, Junior. Just wait till your father gets

home, Junior.

That's what she always said to her TV kid.

Duncan. I'm lost.

You're too young.

He was a child star. He played her son on the TV show.

You think Duncan did this? I don't know, but there's one way to find out. We

could just set a trap and have one of the impersonators do Dahlia. Got it.

one? They're all scared to death.

A little tall.

Nice legs.

Decent voice.

Not great, but not bad.

What?

Might even help him get in touch with his feminine son.

Don't even think it.

Even when a guy is hopelessly lost, he will not stop and ask for directions.

Women think we're too proud or too stupid.

I don't know, but I have a feeling that I may have just missed a turn.

Okay.

Now, just hold still.

Ow!

Stop pouting.

Uh -huh.

Ow.

Are you going to be hot?

Okay. You can give me your honest opinion, all right?

Okay.

Okay, turn around.

So?

You look great. Just like, uh, Dahlia Valentine.

Except for one thing.

Your butt's too small.

You know, I'm going to knock you to... Very funny.

You know, this was not my idea, all right?

Hey,

Cindy.

Not what you think.

Honor. I knew you were too good to be true.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. You gotta understand, it's for a case. God.

It's for a case. Your keys.

Goodbye. Oh, wait.

It's for a case.

Nice try, Mitch.

Well, you told me to get in touch with my feminine side.

Hey, big girl.

Okay. Ryan, so what's the plan?

Well... You'll find out in a minute.

Why do I get the feeling I'm going to hate it?

Stop. Come on. It's not that bad.

You look.

What?

Whoopi Goldberg.

Me? Whoopi Goldberg? In that dress?

You must be dreaming.

No. Garner, I mean, while I'm out in front watching the audience, you've got

be in the back, you know, undercover, low profile.

Low profile? In a dress?

Not me, baby. Come on, Garner. This is the only way to do it. I mean, you know,

when in Rome, do as.

No. Garner, please. Look, it's your size. It's your color.

Read my lips.

No.

Great shoes.

No.

No.

It's showtime, and I definitely had a case of the jitters.

I mean, it wasn't bad enough that I had to go on stage dressed as a woman, but I

was also the bait.

Mitch, please, will you sit down? You made me so nervous I've had four cups of

coffee. I don't even like coffee.

You know something, Duncan?

Yeah, he's in the audience alone.

Where's Gardner?

He's watching the crowd. He's fine.

Everything's fine.

Mitch. What? Mitch.

What?

Well, your left one is higher than your right one.

Oh.

Can you fix it?

You want me to fix it?

I'm not touching them.

Yeah. Two minutes, Mitch.

Very good.

Good luck.

for me not if you care

for me stay

Mitch. Whoopi?

It's me, Mitch.

Am I in hell?

Mitch, are you all right?

I'm alive thanks to that vest, huh?

Could you make out the shooter?

No.

Come on, Duncan.

Give it up, man.

What the hell's going on here?

Come on out, man.

This is a dead man.

Randy.

Put the gun down, man. We'll talk about this, huh?

What the hell are you doing? Shut up, Duncan.

This is all your fault. You should have cast me in your movie. What?

You're a man.

I am Dahlia Valentine.

This is my house.

And you're a dead man.

Wait a minute.

Duncan, talk to your mother.

She'll listen to you.

Mother?

It'll be a great movie.

Everyone will want to come see it.

Who'll play me?

You. You are you, darling. No one else can play you.

They tried.

I stopped them.

You're the star, Mother.

As always.

Just wait until your father gets home, Junior.

You got that right.

Thanks again, guys.

Now I really owe you.

Hey, did I mention that every A -list director in town is fighting to do my

movie? I mean every director.

But to tell you the truth, I'm going to direct it myself. I mean, you know,

after all, who knows Mother better than me? I mean, I've only had my whole life

to study her moves. I know every inch of her up and down.

A $600 paycheck ought to almost pay our rent.

Well, that should make Lou almost happy.

Mitz will be Buchanan?

Yes. I'm Mitz. You're not from the IRS, are you?

Not even close.

I figured if you can get in touch with your feminine side, I could get in touch

with my masculine side.

I like it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Raymond.

I don't want you to be no play.

I don't want you to work all day.

I don't want you to be the Lou I said.

Who washed my clothes

In the blink of an eye, the devil is watching as we fly

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