Original subtitles

It's a lovely day out.

Is it nice?

Nice? What a way to start the morning by being stared at by a cold fish.

I never looked at you.

Not you, you idiot. This apology for a kipper here.

Yeah, well, what's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?

I reckon they didn't need to smoke this by the colour of it. It died of nicotine

poisoning.

Oh, stop moaning.

He didn't stand having any breakfast this morning.

Not if he's got any sense.

Well, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to. I don't intend to. Well,

don't. Mum!

What?

You've got a clean pair of underpants for me.

What do you want them for?

Because I've got a blessing medical down at the depot, haven't I?

Oh, hello, love.

I see you're ready for the medical then, sir. Oh, blimey, don't you start.

Oh, cheer up, mate. You'll be a bit of a skive.

Oh, what are you worried about? It'll be a bit of fun.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

What do you mean?

We had a medical down there a place not so long ago.

Young fella there, not unlike you, Stanley.

Just as healthy looking, had his medical.

Month later, dead as that kipper there.

And of a very similar colour.

You trying to frighten me?

Well, I tell you something, mate, you're wasting your time.

No, it's not that. I just don't fancy being mauled about by some decrepit old

doctor.

Blake.

Oh, sir. Everything is prepared for the medical.

Doctors are right, canteen's ready, there's a list of people for

Oh, isn't it?

Wouldn't fancy the doctor's job this morning, sir.

Makes you happen to look at this horrible lot, eh?

Butler, Harper, Blake and... Blake, sir?

That's my name, sir.

That's right.

But I'm an inspector, sir. No one is exempt.

Well, don't mind me saying so, sir, but I don't see your name, darling, is

there? No, it's quite correct. I'm on the afternoon list. Management, you

Yes, sir, but apart from the fact that you undermined my authority to be

examined in front of the rank and file, sir, you seem to have overlooked the

fact that I have applied for another job with another company, sir. Yes, I know

about that. They consulted me with regard to your references.

Did they, sir?

Indeed, they did.

I think I can safely say that I shall be sorry to see you go.

Well, I'll be sorry to go, sir, but when is the chance for promotion? I

appreciate that. One must move on to pastures new.

Yes, sir. Well, I think I'll get the job, sir.

You're more or less told I will, sir. I believe you will.

No, sir, you misunderstand, sir. I mean, there's no point. You see, I'll be

having a medical when I take up my new appointment, sir. There's no point in

being examined here, sir. The rules state quite categorically that all

will be examined without exception.

Yeah, but couldn't you have a look at the files yourself, sir? I mean, don't

mind the rules, sir.

Don't mind the rules?

I didn't mean that, sir.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll have a quiet word with the doctor. I can't say fairer than that, can I?

Thank you, sir.

That's right.

Carry on, Blake. Leave it to me.

Don't mind the rules.

Right, fine, anything?

Yeah. Here, get your fag, will you, mate? Yeah, sure.

Come on, you two, love. That's what you're hanging about for.

We're waiting for our medical, aren't we?

Well, it's not here, you idiot, is it? It's in the canteen.

Look, mate, I don't care if I don't have a medical. You definitely do have to

have a medical, mate. There's only one person compelled here not to have a

medical, and that's yours truly.

Oh, blimey, you look as if you need a medical more than anybody.

Anyway, we need a good laugh.

Very funny.

Yeah. You don't look as though you've got too long to go.

Yeah, what do you mean by that remark?

Well, let's put it this way. If it was a second -hand car, we wouldn't get much

for you for scrap.

Twit.

There's certain cases in which a medical examination is unnecessary. I am such a

case. Blimey, you're a case, all right.

Listen, you pair of ignorant specimens.

I'm not going to say any word to you. I'm an inspector. Now, you get in there

and get your trousers down.

Blake,

I've had a word in the right quarter.

Oh, it's all settled in, is it? Yes.

You've got to take the medical. OK.

Well, I had a word with the doctor, but as I warned you, rules are rules, fair

enough. No, no, sir. I mean, there's no point I'll be leaving soon. I don't see

why you're objecting. No, sir, because your management, you've never had to

suffer the humiliation of having to have a medical examination in front of

Butler and Harper with them standing there laughing at you. Get a grip of

yourself, man.

They don't laugh at you, do they?

What are you hanging about for? Get on with it. You can't make it spin out all

day, you know.

Oh, come on, Jack. Oh, look at this lot here.

How are you, mate? How's that fashion you're charging for?

It's like a butcher's shop in here. Yeah, what a lot, eh? The depot's art at

old Calcutta.

Is that where the medical is? The medical?

Yeah, that's right, darling. You've got to get stripped off to the waist.

What? All of us? Yes, well, you see, the doctor is going to examine our chests.

Yeah, so get them off, love. Come on, get them off. But you're all men.

Oh, so we are, yeah.

Well, uh...

Well, more or less, you know.

What are you doing here?

I've come for me medical.

Yeah, she's just about to slip off, Blackie.

Is she?

Yes. But you're a woman.

Marvellous, eh? He knows the facts of life.

Look, you're not having your medical till tomorrow now. Come on, get out of

I can't have you upsetting all my men. That's all right, Blackie, we don't

Get out of it.

Come and shove up a bit, will you? Shove up before.

I've come in here to keep an eye on things, that's what. Yeah, well, I'll

you something. If it hadn't been for you, me and Jack would have kept our eye

one or two other things.

Would you mind getting your jacket on and going out, please, miss? Yeah,

you got nothing better to do?

No. As a matter of fact, I think I'll have a medical after all.

Oh, so that's why you're here, is it? I knew you had to have one. Yes, Dan,

looks like we're going to get all off after all.

Well, come on, then.

Come on what? Come on, get them off.

The body's beautiful, mate. Come on.

He strips well. He strips well. Come on, get him off. He strips well.

You frightened of getting a cold on your head?

That is there to remind you that I am still your superior.

Is that a fact? We can do better than that.

Let's put your medals on you then, mate.

Can we have the first gentleman, please? Mr Butler.

Butler. Oh, that's me. See you later then.

Hey, Jack, I tell you... Where are you going?

I'm coming with you.

What, in there?

Yes. What, while I'm being examined?

I shall be assisting the doctor.

Well, sorry, miss, but I don't have young ladies in there while I'm taking

trousers off, you know.

I'm a trained nurse. What's the matter, Stan? A bit shy, are you? Mind your own

business. And you'll be welcome to have a look when it's my turn.

If you really prefer it, I'm sure the doctor can manage without me. Yes, well,

would really, darling. Thanks very much. Very well. It's quite a pleasure. Thank

you very much indeed.

Appreciate that.

That's right, Mr Butler. Take your trousers down, please.

Come on, Jack, get a move on. Ah, shush.

We don't want to hurry. We don't want to take the bus out this morning, do we?

What are you whispering for?

Shush. Frankie's in there, isn't he? Oh. Here, come on, let's have a peek at him

with his trousers down. Oh, yeah.

How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm bearing up pretty well, considering, Doctor.

You know I think this is a waste of time, don't you?

Yes, I know. You think it's pointless.

Yes, well, it is, isn't it? I mean to say, you know my days here are numbered.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Still, it's worth having this check -up, even though you won't be with us much

longer. I don't see the point. I can't see the point at all.

I mean, after all, I won't be here when the report comes out, will I?

Oh, let's hope so.

Oh, I don't know.

The way I've been suffering lately, I think I'll be glad to get out of this

misery.

See what she said? Yeah. She said he won't be with us much longer. Yeah, he

his days here are numbered.

Yeah. You're not thinking what I'm thinking, are you?

Doctor, you know, I haven't told anyone yet, and I'd appreciate it if you kept

it to yourself, you know.

Oh, my God.

Yes, mind you, they'll be glad when I'm gone out of it.

Well, I think you ought to tell them. They might be upset.

I'm sure they'll be upset.

What? No, they won't miss me. They'll be glad when I'm gone, I'll tell you that.

Particularly Butler and Harper.

It sounds as though old Blake is going to snuff it. Yeah, he's a goner.

Here, come here.

Here.

What are we going to do?

Well, put him on another 11th of the cemetery gates.

Mate!

I admire his guts, the way he's taken it. Yeah, and all those things you said

about him. Yeah.

What I said?

All the things you... All the things you said about him. Well...

Poor old Blakey. Yeah, poor old Dracula. No, don't call him that now.

Well, he wasn't a bad sort of a bloke. No, no, you can look. No, don't forget,

we could have had worse, mate.

Do you know what, Jack? From now on, I'm going to be as nice as possible to him

for the last few days he's got left in this world.

I'll tell you what, Jack.

Let's get the bus out on time.

Aye.

Oh, if we had a cup of tea, of course.

Well, I ain't going to ask him. Well, I don't know.

I'll have to play it by ear, won't I?

But remember, Jack, if he's bad -tempered, it's because he's in very

Oh, that's why he's so horrible.

I thought it was his nature.

That's it, that's it. Here he is, there he is, there he is.

Come on, you. See, we're hanging about for you. Do out, you know you are.

All right.

Don't get excited, Blakey.

Don't get excited? Get the bus out.

Look at him. What do you look like?

You look like a couple of undertakers just found a corpse.

Blakey, don't talk like that. I'll talk how I like it, the bastard.

Well, Blakey, to tell you the truth, I want to know if you'd like to come round

my house to tea.

Get out of here. No, no, no, he means it, Blakey, honestly.

What for?

Well, I'd like us to be friends.

You see, that's why I'd like you to come home and have tea with me and my family

at my house tonight.

Is it free?

Well, of course it...

Well, of course, it's a free tea.

Oh. All right. All right, I'll tell you what. I'll give it a child, Butler.

After I've finished my last shift, I'll come round. OK. Now, get the bus out!

There. That looks lovely. Now, the inspector can sit there. Yes, and I've

prepared something easy to digest.

Lovely white -boiled fish and semolina.

What's for after, sir?

Oh, my God.

Don't you think of anything but your belly?

Look, will you two shut up?

Now, look, you'll be here any minute now. Now, when he arrives, act normal.

Do you understand what I mean? Oh, are you paying attention?

Act normal. Don't let him see because he doesn't know we know, right?

I mean, we don't want to upset him just because he's going to die.

Just because he's going to die?

I'd be upset if it was me.

Well, of course you'd be upset. He is.

Well, blow it. That's why we mustn't say anything. Now, don't forget, not

another word about it.

Quite right.

Not another word.

No.

Here, what exactly is wrong with him?

I don't know, Mum, but he's a goner. Oh, if he's a goner, it must be serious.

My goodness, we have a genius in the family.

Well, all I can say is that if he goes tonight, he'll have finished on a lovely

meal. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, indeed.

I mean, how much we all like white -boiled fish.

Yes, especially in Belize. Well, I don't. Well, you're not dying.

And that was so selfish.

Anyway, it's the inspector's party tonight.

Yes, well, look, he'll be here shortly. Now, don't you think you two better go

and get changed?

Yes, go on. Well, play the game, love. Oh, love, I've got some lovely flowers.

Oh, did you? Oh, good, Mum. Now, look nice on the table, then. Yes, love, the

only thing was, love, that when I was talking to the florist about the

inspector, I don't think they quite understood, love, because... Well...

Goldie's not dead yet.

Well, I know, love, but you see, they've made such a lovely job of him. I didn't

want to take him back.

Anyway, love, it's the thought that counts.

Mum, we're supposed to cheer him up, not remind him about it.

I suppose you've ordered an hearse to take him home. Oh, don't joke.

Anyway, what am I going to do with them?

Well, save it for the funeral.

There's the doorbell. That'll be it.

No, we have to... No, no, no. I've got to get a bucket of coal, Mum. No, no,

You haven't got a bucket of coal. There's a bucket of coal there. Now, you

and let him in. Yes, right. Well, don't stand there. You'll catch his death.

Oh, good evening, Blakey. I've come to take from work, as I said. Oh, I thought

you would. Well, don't stand there. You look frozen stiff.

I mean... Come in. You must be cold.

Yes.

Perishing out there.

Yes. Right, take the coat and come in. It's warm in here.

I'll put it on there for now, shall we?

Come in here.

Mum, mum, the inspector's arrived.

Oh, I've just finished it off up here, love. Here, put another bag of the coal

on the fire. That's a good boy. Yeah, I will.

Come and warm yourself up, Blakey.

It's a bit cold, isn't it? No, no, Blakey. No, don't stand here. Sit down.

yourself at home. Oh, yes.

It's all right. Blakey just kicked a bucket.

What?

Oh, I've got you, God.

God?

I've only just got here.

Have you taken me a prize?

You're all right, Mrs. Butler. You don't look too well, do you?

Shall we go and get a doctor? No, no, she's all right. She's very well. As a

matter of fact, we're all very well.

Yes, I'm as fit as a proverbial fiddle.

Wonderful.

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum. You look wonderful, Inspector.

Yes, you couldn't look better.

Oh,

please don't get up.

How are you feeling now, Mr Blake?

Oh, fine, thanks.

Yes.

My words, you do look well.

Yes, quite in the pink.

Terrific, eh, Olive? What?

I was saying how well the inspector looks. Yes, really well.

My word, I can't remember when I saw you looking so well.

Arthur, he doesn't look as well as all that.

Well, what I meant was he doesn't look sort of obviously well.

Just sort of normal well.

Like, well, very well.

Well, how are things down at the depot, Inspector?

Well, pretty well, you know.

Same old routine, eh? Yeah, yeah. Same old route, eh, Blakey? Out of the depot,

straight down to the cemetery gates.

Well,

Mum, how about some grub before we all die of hunger?

Oh, yes!

Yes,

um, do you sit at the end of the table next to Mum? Let me help you.

Yes,

lovely. You sit there, Arthur.

Here we are.

Some lovely, nice, white, bold fish.

Just what the doctor ordered.

It looks quite palatable.

Yes, I cooked it in your honour.

I don't know how to thank you.

All of you, really.

I'm quite overcome by this display of kindness. I must say, you know, you

couldn't have known, of course, but I won't be around much longer.

Yes, I won't be with you much longer, you know.

Yes, me days amongst you are numbered.

Oh, no, it can't be true.

Oh, yes, yes, well, one must go on to pastures new.

Well, I'd like to say that we'll all miss you very much.

Hear, hear.

It's a funny old world, isn't it, Amos? Oh, yes.

You never know who your real friends are, do you?

I thought they'd be glad to see the back of me.

I did. I'll tell you, and I'll confess this.

This morning, I told the doctor down at the depot, I said, I think that some of

them will be glad to see the back of me, particularly Butler.

What a shocking thing to say.

No, you're dead wrong.

What I mean to say is that...

We admire you for taking the way you're leaving so bravely.

You don't need to be brave about it. I can't hang on forever, can I?

I would like to shake you by the hand, Mr Blake.

You going on?

What I'd like to say is we're all so sad about the news and I'll do my best to

make your days, few days at the depot, as happy as possible.

It's a very noble sentiment, Stanley.

Thanks, Arthur.

I can't stand it!

I didn't think you'd all be so affected.

I mean, you know, with any luck, I'll be around in a few weeks to come.

Oh, well, eat up your fish, then.

It's full of vitamins.

Well, Tony, you're a fellow, so now you know the old truth.

Well,

I'm not surprised.

I always said he was a sick man.

Yeah, well, the point is, Stan and me thought we ought to have a whip round to

buy him a present. Well, Stan did. I'm not all that fussy myself.

Well, he's not going to be around long to enjoy it, is he?

Yes, yes, you've got a point there.

Yeah, well, we've got to buy him a present to suit the occasion.

Well, what about a harp?

Oh, no, be serious.

No, you're probably right. He won't be going up there anyway.

You've got to be charitable, haven't you? Think of something sensible.

All right, here.

How about getting him something on a couple of months' approval?

Then when he stuffs it, we can send it back and it won't cost us a penny.

Well, blimey, I've heard of mean people, but you take the cake.

No, no, no. Seriously, look, let's rent him a telly. Then when he dies, we can

shove it in the canteen and that way we all get something out of it.

I'm absolutely ashamed of you, mate. I really am. It's got to be something

personal, innit? Look, you do the whip round, I'll buy the present.

There's only one thing that's worrying me, though. What's that?

How the hell are we going to tell him?

What do you mean?

Well, I can't just bowl up to him and say, excuse me, Blakey, but do you mind

telling us the exact day you're going to pass over so we can give you a present?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you've got a good point there. Tell you what, let's not give him

anything.

Oh, blimey, mate, haven't you got any respect at all?

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go straight in and see the doctor and find

the exact day he's going to snuff it.

Thank you. You can put your coat on now.

Yes? Excuse me, Doctor.

I'd like to ask you a question.

Really? Well, you'll have to be quick because the ladies are coming in for

medical soon.

Oh, really?

Yes. So hurry up now. What is it?

Oh, yes, I'd like to ask you a question about our inspector.

Which inspector?

Well, Inspector Blake, of course. We want to know what's wrong with him.

There's nothing wrong with him. Oh, come, come, Doctor. It's all right. You

tell me.

No, I can't.

And I can't discuss my patients with you or anyone.

Oh.

Oh, Doctor.

I've got a terrible pain.

You must do something for me.

Oh.

Blakey, come in. Come in.

Blakey, sit down. Sit down, Blakey.

Go out of it. Would you mind leaving out? Yes, of course, Doctor.

I understand, Blakey. Keep the chin up.

Clear off.

Now, what seems to be the trouble?

Oh, I think it must have been that fish I read down in the butlers last night.

No wonder none of them would touch it.

Excuse me.

Well,

ladies and gentlemen, I'm not very good at making speeches, as you all know, but

there is a few little words I've jotted down here I would like to say before he

leaves us, and that is that...

We've all heard the sad news, we've all heard it by now.

I would like to say he's an example to us all, and when the way is accepted,

what must inevitably be inevitable.

It is a very sad occasion, but Blakey, Blakey, the lads and boys and girls,

we've all whipped round, and we've got you a nice present of some nice clean

fruit. Now, but, but, but, before we present you with it, boys and girls, how

about a nice big hand for Blakey?

I've not always been happy here.

There's ones or twos here that's conspired together to make my life a

As a matter of fact, I've always looked forward to this as a moment of happy

release.

However, I've been so overwhelmed by the loyalty and kindness and affection that

I've been shown since the news got around that I was leaving, that after

consideration, I decided not to leave.

Well, I don't want to upset you, Blakey, but, you know, when you were called,

you were called.

Oh, no, no, no. No, it was never finally settled that I was actually going, no.

What do you mean?

Well, I've not had a final interview yet.

Stan, I think we've made a horrible mistake.

Blakey, what you're trying to say is you are absolutely healthy?

Of course I'm healthy.

There's nothing wrong with you at all?

You've got the cheek to stand there and tell us you're not going to snuff it?

I've got no intention of snuffing it, mate. I've never felt healthy in my

Since I got over the effects of that rotten fish I had round your place last

night.

So if you don't mind, let me have that fruit and you can all get back to work.

You've got the fruit, you can have it, mate.