Original subtitles

On the bus is part one, production number 0913, recorded the 16th of the

71, take one.

God, blimey, what a day, eh? Yeah, passengers make you sick, don't they?

You coming home?

Nah, mate, nah. I'm on overtime tonight.

I've got a load of bills to pay. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I had to find a demand notice at the electric light company.

They're coming in to cut me lights off.

Oh, no, you're all right, mate. You can do your overtime on the 24th at the

gasworks, mate. Yeah, righto, baggy. Oh, yeah, stick me down to one, will you?

What shall I take out?

You can take yourself out, butler.

Go on, get your phone out of it.

Oh, no, where am I? No, look.

No, I want some overtime.

Well, that's just what you're not going to get, mate.

I want conductors, not drivers.

Oh, don't talk daft. How can you run buses without drivers?

Well, we manage all right when you're in a cab, don't we?

Oh, don't be daft. Look, oh, look, oh, look, give us a bit more. Look, I need

some extra money.

Well, I don't need any extra drivers. I need conductors. I've got half the

clippers off having babies.

God knows how they all manage them at the same time, I don't know.

Well, it is about nine months since the last devil outing, isn't it?

Fuck you.

Oh, shut up. Jack, listen, why do you give it to him and not me?

Because I haven't got any overtime for drivers.

Look, how am I going to pay my electric light bill? They're going to come round

and cut my lights off.

Well, you'll have to sit looking at each other in the dark, won't you?

For your family, it should be quite an improvement.

No, Blake, you do us a favour, you know. Please, give us another shift, will

you? Please, Mr Blake. No.

Dracula.

Oh, God, what am I going to do, Jack?

Here.

What are we doing on that bus?

Oh, let me help you down, Marty. Oh, sir.

Very sweet of you.

I must say, as usual, you've made my journey most divertic. Oh, really?

Well, you're pretty interesting, you tell.

Oh, you really think so?

Oh, yeah, really.

Yes, well, it must be our common interest.

Physical fitness has always been one of my little weaknesses.

Don't forget to tell her about your other little weakness.

Oh, my goodness.

Stanley, my brother -in -law. We know.

I seem to have gone past my stop. That's not the only thing you've gone past.

How much extra do I owe you, my dear?

Oh, that's all right, Arthur.

Have it on the... Thank you very much. Watch it, Arthur, watch it. Don't get

excited. Remember your operation.

Operation.

Just one of Stanley's jokes.

Most amusing.

OK, I'll see you.

Never mind. Is it 10 o 'clock tomorrow?

No.

In he got lovely hair.

I was telling you last week, what I offer, I do admire men with a good head

hair. You really?

Well, you're wasting your time with him, love.

Keep your hair on.

Yeah, look at the time. I'm due out again. Well, I'll see you tomorrow,

Oh, my goodness, yes.

Yes, I shall look forward to that.

Don't forget those press -ups. No.

And watch out, he's not behind you when you're doing them.

What a very witty remark.

What's all that clapper you've given her about physical fitness? Come off it,

mate. You were chatting her up. Yeah, still got a tune in the old fiddle, eh,

Arthur? The only trouble with him, his bow's a bit bent.

I'm not staying here to be insulted. I'm going home. That's all right, mate.

You'll get insulted there and all.

Well, come on, Charles Atlas. There's another bus going in ten minutes. I

intend travelling in a bus with you, mate.

I'm walking home. I shall enjoy the exercise.

What, three miles?

Well, that's all right.

Help keep me fit.

Oh, blimey. Olive will have to carry him up to bed.

That's the only way she can get him there.

For what took you so long?

Well, did you get your ride?

Oh, blimey, I knew you wouldn't walk it, mate.

I not only walk the three miles, mate, but I've got here ten minutes before

bus. You want to try it sometime, keep yourself fit.

Fit? Blimey, you look as though you've crippled yourself.

There's nothing wrong with my feet, mate.

It is a well -known fact of medical science that hot water improves the

circulation. Is that a fact? Well, you want to stick your head in the bowl,

then?

Come on. Hey, what's this you're reading here?

Beautiful. I can't see anything for you, you know, mate.

Isn't there one called sick and ugly? Give that here.

Oh, but... Here, you filth the old man.

Here. This is full of naked bird.

Oh, Arthur, how disgusting. It is not.

There are men there as well.

Well, that's worse.

Arthur, you don't let Olive see that once. You'll see what a real man looks

like. I won't have you bringing that sort of filth in the house. It is not

filth. It is a purely scientific magazine.

Oh, scientific, all right. Got all the measurements here and all.

Oh, here, this didn't interest you. Listen to this. Wigs for men. Give that

here. Now, don't mess about. You can do with one of them.

It says, why be bored and lonely, top yourself off with a curly top, and be

successful with women?

The only way you'll be successful, mate, is to wear one on your face. I don't

think I'd like my man in a wig. It might tickle me in bed.

What do you do with your bald head in bed, eh?

I am not bald.

I merely have a rather high forehead.

Oh, bloody.

I tell you something, mate. Your forehead goes right round the back of

neck.

I know a carter's bald head. They say baldness is a sign of virility.

Ah, yeah, but then they don't know Harvard, do they?

Well, it was certainly true of your dad.

Mind you, he wasn't as bald as Arthur.

Will you all shut up?

Bald. No, love, of course you're not. He's not bald, Mum. No, of course he

isn't. Now, everybody, stop talking about Arthur's bald age.

Did you pay the electric light bill?

That's a laugh.

What, with shirt buttons?

Well, what are we going to do? They'll come and cut the lights off.

We'll all have to go to bed with a candle then, won't we?

Oh, Arthur, how romantic.

A woman always looks more romantic by the light of a candle.

In your case, you'll need half a gross.

Don't you talk to my daughter like that.

I don't know what you've been up to lately, but I've only had a few bob off

the last few weeks for the housekeeping money.

Ah, yes, yes. Well, I did explain. I've had one or two personal bills.

No, Stanley, I think it's up to you. You should get some overtime.

I can't get any overtime.

I've already asked. Well, you'll have to do something. You know how I depend on

you. You always depend on me, Mum. It's always me. Why me?

Well, I tell you what... What I'm going to do, I'm going to start by

economising. Hey. Look at this place. Blimey, it's like the Blackpool

Illuminations. Oh. The lights are going off for a start.

Ouch.

How much can you get? If you want the lights on, you pay for them. No, leave

them off.

I find it rather soothing.

If we're going to sit here in the dark, Arthur, we might as well go to bed.

Span, put those lights on at once.

Are there enough of this?

You have to go and see the inspector in the morning.

Make him give you some overtime.

No, no. Why, why, why?

Butler, I've told you enough times, I do not need drivers ad nauseam. Now, what

do you think I'm pinning this bloomin' thing up for?

Well, look, I'll tell you what, I'll work harder, I'll get the buses out on

time, I'll even stop to pick up passengers.

I'll be a credit to you. Oh, my God.

You made my day, Butler.

I never lived to hear you say the like of that.

I don't know what to say.

Well, say yes.

No.

What am I going to do? Am I going to pay the bills?

Don't bore me with your domestic problems. I've got my own troubles,

Here, hang a bat.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just remembered something. What?

I've got one of my bus cleaners off sick.

Oh, yeah, little old Bessie, her knees are giving out. Yeah, yeah.

It's hard work, swabbing out buses, you know. I know it's very hard work, but

what's that got to do with me?

When you finish your shift at half past five, come in here and grab a bucket and

kneel her and get on with her job, swabbing out the buses.

Oh, don't.

I'm a driver, not a cleaner.

Well, suit yourself, but I'm only trying to do you a favour.

Of course.

Subfavour, mate.

Oh,

Nellie, start on that row over there and work your way down, will you?

Take the fourteens, will you?

Not too bad, Blighty.

It's like that.

Would you go in? There's a Christmas fairy.

These are the only togs I could find. Oh, it's all right, mate. It suits you.

It looks better on you in your own uniform.

Oh, you have a good laugh, boys. Very fetching, it is, yes.

Have all the necks after you. Oh, shit.

Got your curlers all underneath there, have you? Right. And does it get

else to do your own dirty work? Oh, shut up and don't be so touchy. Well. Am I

kidding you?

Don't look all that bad at all, really.

Not really.

Well, you'd better get on your own bus and clean that down. That's filthy

enough. God knows.

I'm your mate, senior.

Now, Blakely, do us a favour.

Don't tell Jack, please. No, no, no. Of course. What do you think I am, mate?

Yeah, well... Oh, there you are.

You're on the number 17. You're out in ten minutes' time, right? Yeah, righto,

mate.

Here's Jack.

Hmm? Your mate wants you. He's on the number 11 here. Oh, yeah.

Yes, sir, mate. Jack!

Oh, sorry. I

knew

you fancied me. There's no need to put your best frock on.

Now, don't you start, mate.

I only took this job to get a bit of extra money. Well, get on with it, then.

Come on.

That's all you pay. Well, get on with it. Come on.

Grab that hose, put the end on that brush, and clean it up. Come on, get on

it. All right, all right. God forbid you save me sons, have you, dearest?

Don't wet your knickers, will you?

Look, I'm not having him stay in here making these stupid cracks while I do

Oh, get on with it, that's what you're paid for. Well, I don't care.

Well,

that's one window less you'll have to clean.

He's late again. He'd be worn out.

He's been down at that depot scrubbing out them butters every evening this

I know he's trying to face up to it, but I think he's neither going to give way.

He wants to walk out of the depot like I do.

I've never felt fitter in my life. I'm sleeping like a dog.

That's all you've ever done.

Here we are.

Oh, come in, Jack.

Door's locked. Got parcel for Arthur.

Hey. I'll get it. No, no, no. It's all right, Santa. No, no.

We took this in off the post, my boy. Thank you. I read the label.

Curly tops.

We'll see them advertised.

You've got yourself a wig, haven't you?

Yes, well, I got it as a surprise for Olive. So I'd appreciate it if you

say anything, Jack. No, it's all right, mate. I'll keep it under my hat.

Mind you, not that Stan couldn't do with a good laugh this week.

It was the wrong address.

I'm just popping upstairs.

Ah, there's Dan now.

I thought you were going upstairs.

I've changed my mind.

I'll make him a nice cup of tea, dear. He must be wore out scrubbing out them

buses every day.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

What a picture you present. You look like a petrified prawn.

Don't you start, mate. I'm just about ready for your... Looks like it.

No, it's like I've always said five minutes real hard work and you're

All you're fit for is sitting in a bus on your bottom.

Arthur's talking. Blimey never gets off his.

While I'm slaving all day to get the money for the extra bills and all that

of thing, he's sitting lounging about in our best chair.

Yes, come on, Arthur. Get out of the chair. Let's dance this day off. Come

get out.

No. No, on second thoughts, why should I?

I got here first. I've just got myself comfortable.

You look it.

What are you wriggling about for?

What's the matter? Have you caught something?

The only thing ever caught in this house, mate, was me.

Oh, Mum.

How can you say such a thing?

My little Olive would never throw herself at a man, would she, Steve?

Oh, blimey, who said he's a man?

As far as we know, he's yet to prove it.

Right, that does it.

I'm not staying here to be insulted.

I'm going upstairs.

Shall I come with you, Arthur?

Oh, that's all I need.

I may well have to reconsider my position in this household.

Oh, Mum, he's been acting ever so strange lately.

Do you think he's going to leave me?

That sure he is.

We might as well look on the bright side.

Oh, no!

Now look what you've done!

Dear sir, please find enclosed five curly tops as requested.

Sent on seven days approval.

things too small.

Oi, try stretching it a bit.

You're spying on me.

Go on, Arma, open the door, let me in. Get out of it. Is there no privacy in

this house?

Well, that's the way you want it. Olive, there's a strange air in me.

in your roof.

Oi, I got it for Ollie's benefit.

Did you really?

What, are you going to use it as a pot scourer?

I thought it would be a surprise for her. Surprise? Blimey, you're

her death, mate.

God, you've got a load of them here.

Oh, look at this. Wait a minute. I don't think this one's dead, Arthur. Look.

I like this one. Now, I think this one...

It's not a wig. You're trying it on.

That's a moustache, mate. Not a joke.

There you are.

All right, good luck.

Get that bug out.

Give it here.

Oh, look at this one. Oh, this is me. Yes.

Right, I'll have this one.

My lad, the bald facts in a

case is this.

How do you get the bald facts? They are very expensive wigs. They cost £15 each.

I cut every week for two years for that. And you're paying 15 quid to have a bit

stuck on.

Wait a minute. Where'd you get 15 quid from?

Eh? Oh, I get it. That's why you haven't been chipping in with the housekeeping

money, eh? Right, now, if you've got that amount of money, mate, you can pay

bills. Yes, well, I haven't got that amount of money, have I? I hadn't

they were so expensive.

What's so expensive?

Nothing. Arthur, what's that sticking out of your trousers?

and sat on it by mistake.

Not when you all clear out of here and leave me alone.

Here, those are wigs.

What are you doing with wigs?

Arthur, you haven't turned funny, have you?

They are men's wigs, you stupid great lump.

I got them for your benefit.

But as you all so heartily disapprove, I'll return them first thing in the

morning. I'm glad, love. I think you look better as you are.

Do you really? You want to nip round the opticians and get yourself another pair

of glasses?

Morning. Morning, Mark. Hello. Let's have breakfast.

Dear, oh, dear.

What's Arthur doing in the bathroom? He's been in there over an hour.

Drowning himself, I hope.

What's the matter with you? You sound a bit rough.

I've had a wink of sleep all night.

What? With Arthur?

I didn't think he had it in him.

Yeah, and he's back to me all night.

Oh, I thought that was normal for you two. I knew there was something going

All them wigs.

It's like when a man starts buying new underclothes.

There's always a woman behind them. Well, if there is, she's welcome to him,

selfish pig.

Oh, good morning. Are you feeling better?

Could you kindly tell my wife to post those wigs back?

Tell her! Oh, blimey, here we go.

Would you kindly post those wings?

Tell him to post them himself.

Tell him.

He said tell him to post them yourself. Tell him.

Right, I will.

Where's my breakfast?

I must know. Get it yourself.

I don't happen to be very hungry.

I'm going to work.

Well, go and good riddance.

Oh, stop it, you two, will you?

Now, stop being childish, Arthur. Sit down. Sit down. Go on. Oh, let's go get

breakfast.

Here, Arthur.

Here. Have that one. Go on. Get off. Get off.

Stop being ridiculous, will you? I mean, after all, you're one of the family.

Come and relax, mate. Come and take your hat off you.

You snake in the brass!

You're lying all the time!

Oh, Arthur, send it back. Don't let something like that come between us.

No, no, no!

You can all shout as much as you like. I'm keeping it.

When I first came in this house, I had a good head of hair.

And I want it back again.

Goodness sake, I need something out of life.

I've paid dearly enough for it.

You pay for it? Blimey, I pay for that, mate. Scrubbing them buses.

You send it back.

I'm not slaving on my ancient knees so you can walk around looking like an

animated floor brush.

That does it. Get out of the way. I'm not being insulted. I'll go it.

I may come back.

On the other hand, I may not.

If there is, I'll say one thing for him. Blimey's a glutton for punishment.

Hey, Lofty, have a look at the handbrake, will you, mate? I think it

taking up a bit.

Well, I must say I have enjoyed our little chat.

Yeah, very nice.

My goodness.

Do you know, I really think I need a haircut.

Oh, no.

Why don't you let it grow a bit?

Oh, do you really think so? Yes, well, perhaps I will.

Yes. Let me help you down.

Oh, dear. Oh, hello, me. Hello, me.

Lofty, Lofty, mate, have a look at this button that closes the door when it

sticks. You have to press it hard to work it. Look, I'll show you.

Help!

Let me out! Let me out of here!

What do you think you're doing, old man?

Help! Help!

Help! What's up? Brother, come and get this door out of the jay. Help!

Brother, I know you don't like the passengers, mate. You don't like to chop

their blooming heads off, you know.

Oh, hey, you're the rest of the family now.

Do you know what's going on? Look at that.

What are you doing to my Arthur?

Never mind what she's doing to your Arthur. What's he doing to my bus?

Come on, get out of here.

There she is. Look at her now.

Take your hands off my husband.

Get me out.

Come on, Arthur.

You great idiot.

Oh, Arthur, you've taken that silly wiggle.

You were bald all the time.

If I catch you chasing my husband again, you'll... be bald.

He's chosen.

You must be joking.

She should be so lucky.

Right. Come along then, sunshine.

Better go home.

Yes, all right, all right.

Will you take care of that?

He's very fond of her, really.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can have the money, you know. Oh, yes, you might, yes. I promised it,

yes. Here you are.

Yeah. Here you are. There's, uh... Oh, don't forget that. That's 15 pounds.

Yes, one minute, check it. Yes, there's 15 there, yeah. And 23 new pence, right?

23 new pence. Oh, that's lovely, yeah. Right, now I can pay all my bills now,

you see. Hang about.

What's the matter?

Less than money for the broken window.

15 pounds.

According to my arithmetic, Butler, leaves you with exactly 23 new peas.

Yeah, I know that, but you said it's only going to stop a little bit each

Yes, well, you thought wrong, mate. I changed my mind.

Well, what am I going to do?

Well, there's only one thing to do, isn't there, Butler?

What's that?

You'll have to do a bit more cleaning.

I suppose I'll have to.