Original subtitles

On the buses, number 2, part 1, production number 0754, date recorded

of the 7th, 71, take 1.

Come in, darling.

I like that tub, don't you?

Oh, I'm in mind of washing, just a minute.

Make yourself at home, take your coat off, love. Right.

Oh, dear.

All right, OK?

Yes, sit down there, sit down there.

That's the idea.

You'll never brought me back here just to sit in the kitchen, I hope.

No, no, of course not, no.

The family are not here. They must be in the front room. They're watching the

telly. Well, it's just gone 11.

They'll be going up to bed shortly.

Then we can have the sofa to ourselves.

More like it.

What time does the epilogue start?

I don't know.

Is that what they're watching?

No, it's when they switch off.

Oh.

We wondered who it was that's coming.

Oh, Arthur.

Arthur. Oh, Doreen.

This is my brother -in -law, Arthur.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Oh, well.

Yeah, well.

If you'll excuse me.

You all up to bed now, then?

No, we're watching the film.

Oh, yeah, of course, yes.

Soon to be over, won't it?

Matter of fact, it's only just started.

Only just started?

Well, what time did it finish, then?

Two hours.

Two hours?

Why's that?

It's a midnight movie.

Oh, come on, you're missing it all!

Excuse me.

We can't go in the front room with you all, are we?

Oh, I'm going. No, no, no, listen.

Don't go, Dorian. Look,

if we can't go in there, we'll have to stay in here, won't we?

Well, look, once they get stuck into that picture, they won't disturb us.

Very romantic, I must say.

I should have gone straight home from the pub.

Well, I don't see what's wrong with it in here. It's quite cosy, isn't it? It's

a nice, soft -armed chair.

Oh, look.

Darling, let's have a little bit of fun, eh, Dorian? Yes.

I'll do the washing up and you can clean the gas cooker.

Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. Look, I'll clear all these dirty crocks off

the table.

And what do you think?

on the kitchen table.

If you don't mind, I prefer the sofa.

I didn't mean that. I mean, tidy the place up a bit.

Oh, forget it. No, no, no. I'll tell you what.

Yeah, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll turn the lights out.

Well, all places look alike in the dark, don't they?

That's what I'll do.

Come on, Doreen. Well, you heard what he said.

Don't be a nigger for the next two hours.

Oh, come on.

Persistent, aren't you? Of course not. You know me.

You are a devil.

You know what I'm like after a couple of vodkas.

That's why I gave you six.

Time for the commercial break.

Hello, Mum. Oh, Mum, this is Doreen. Doreen, this is my mum.

And that's my sister, Olive.

Oh, you two should have been in the front room watching.

Oh, it's marvellous. Full of action.

Quite a lot of action going on here.

Shut up.

Oh, I must go to the Watsit. Have I got time?

Yeah.

Sure, you wouldn't like a cup of cocoa?

No, thanks, really.

Stan, you can't invite a girl to the house without offering her at least

something.

No. Ma, he's started.

Oh, I'll do it later.

I've got a quarter now.

While the commercial runs.

Everybody.

They're in the front room watching a film.

But I was in the loo, nobody told me.

I'd better get back, otherwise I won't know who did it.

The way you lot are carrying on, it won't be me.

Get out.

I thought your family would be watching TV.

Well, they are.

They're spending more time watching us.

You're all right now.

I'm so sorry.

The film has broken down.

will be resumed as soon as possible.

How come at the cocoa I wanted a shame?

I would say it's never as nice when it keeps stopping and starting.

You can say that again.

Oh, I'll make it later.

Let's hope I do.

No, no, don't go, don't go, don't go, Dory, don't go.

Well, he's so pleased.

Haven't you got a room of your own?

Well, of course I have.

Oh, let's go there.

Well, do you... Eh?

Oh, no.

Why not?

Well, it's upstairs, isn't it?

Bedrooms usually are.

Yeah, no, but it's not as nice as the sofa in the front room, is it? No, it's

darn sight less crowded.

Look, are we going up or are you taking me home? Eh?

Yeah, well, all right, then, yeah.

Yeah. Why not?

Honey, just a minute.

Be quiet, won't you?

Well, it's not me. It's not me. It's the old lady. She's a bit old -fashioned

that way, you know.

Well, I'm not.

Take your shoes off.

What? Take your shoes off.

Might as well.

I'm going to take them off later in any case, aren't I?

Which one?

Oh!

I thought you'd gone.

Oh, no, funny mum, no.

Why aren't you watching a film? I just remembered I've seen it.

Here, where are you going?

Um... I'm just going to show Doreen where to watch it is.

Does she usually remove her shoes before going to the lavatory?

For God's sake, we were only going up to his room.

Oh, I see.

I didn't realise you were that sort of a girl.

Look here, don't you start preaching at me, you silly.

There'll be no goings -on in my house. You're darn right there won't be. I'm

going. I've had enough of you and your family.

Fed up with it all.

That's it, you're done.

What do you want to go and talk like that for?

Don't raise your voice to me. There'll be no carry -ins on here.

What do you mean, carry -ins on? Don't be silly, carry -ins on.

Just because somebody takes somebody up to their bedroom doesn't mean to take

this carry -ins on.

Ha, ha.

Well, it certainly doesn't in your case, does it?

Well, why couldn't you have stayed in the kitchen? We wouldn't have

you.

Oh, I see. It's all right in the kitchen, but it's not allowed in the

You know very well what I mean. If you're going to live here, you've got to

abide by the rules of the house.

Oh, have I? Right, well, if that's the case, I'm not going to live here. Eh?

First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to find myself a room. Oh, no, no, no,

don't be silly.

That girl's got your works up. Yeah, I know she has, but I'll tell you

something.

I'm going to be packing for the rest of the night, I'll tell you that. Oh, no,

don't be silly. What she wants is a good night's sleep.

A good night's sleep?

Blimey, that's the last thing I need.

Arthur! It's all right, Mother, you know.

He won't go.

Oh.

Jack, Jack.

Oh, mate.

Oh,

I've been trapping all over the floor.

Didn't you find anywhere, then? One.

Twelve knicker, they wanted. I can't afford that. Yeah, well, you shouldn't

quarrelled with your mammy, should you?

Listen, why don't you put him up? You've got a room you let off sometimes.

Don't I suffer enough in the daytime with him? Go.

Oh, come on, Blake, you'd only be for a couple of days. Not like me, mate, no.

Listen,

my money's as good as anyone else's.

Yeah.

I tell you what, Butler, you can have a room in my house, yeah.

Hey, I told you, Jack, he's human after all.

Eight pounds a week.

Eight quid?

Why, aren't you waiting to pay a fiver?

Take it or leave it, boy.

Oh, well, uh...

Yeah, it's all right. It's only been a couple of days, see. I always insist on

two weeks in advance, actually.

Oh, blimey, you've had that. I'm not playing that. No fear.

Have you found anywhere yet, now? Well, I thought I had just a minute ago. I

thought we were going out for some drinks.

Yeah, well, we all love... I can't hang around all night. No, it's not... No,

yeah.

All right, Blakey.

Here, I'll pay you that. Here.

Here, 16.

I'll have a couple back out there. I think you'll find that's right.

Hang on.

Fifteen then, one there, right?

Can we go there straight away?

Yes, all right. I think I might make it clear.

I don't have any noise after 11 o 'clock at night.

No coming in late. I expect to keep the place tidy.

And there'll be no alcoholic liquor brought in the house either.

Oh, tell me, all that for eight quid you want, you pound of flesh, aren't you?

Talking about flesh, butler.

There'll be none of that brought in the house either.

LAUGHTER

and wiping the bus stop, innit?

Yes, well, I've only got to go up the stairs now.

Oh, yeah.

Let me give you a hand. Oh, thanks very much.

Tell me there's three floors up.

You're out of condition, mate.

Well, at least I won't have to worry about you bringing women up here, will

In time you get them up them stairs, mate, you won't be good for much, will

Well, you can take it or leave it. You don't have to stay. No, I'll try.

I'll have it.

I'll take it. I'll take it, mate. All right.

Here, Blakey, have you got a front door key for me?

Yes, here you are.

Here you are. Look after it. OK, yeah.

I'll, er...

I shan't unpack my cases now because I've got to put my suit on. I've got to

down the pub, see?

Oh. What? Oh, I see.

You've got a date with that clipper, haven't you?

Well... Well, I'll give you a fair word of warning now, butler.

Don't try bringing her up here, will you?

I'm not having it, I'll tell you that.

I'll probably be in bed when you get up here.

And I'm telling you this, mate.

I'll hear every squeak on them stairs.

Every mortal noise, I'm telling you.

Right.

And I won't be going to sleep before you get in, mate.

Why, do you want a goodnight kiss?

Good pubbing it.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it all right?

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, you can't go upstairs, you know.

Why not?

I thought that was the old idea.

Well, don't be daft.

He inspects the thesis. He'll only stop her.

What it was, you see, he told me before I went out. He can hear every creak on

the stairs.

See? Well, if we both go up there, you know, there's more than two pairs of

feet, won't he?

Oh, yes.

Now, how we can get round that?

What? Well, you...

Yes, you've got everything you want, have you?

Yes.

Don't get up, will you?

No.

It's very late, you know. I hope you're going straight to bed.

Yes, I am.

For the kiss of life!

I remember that you're on the early shift, and I didn't want to get up early

just to get you up, so I brought the old alarm clock for you.

Oh.

Oh, Joe.

Oh, thanks, then.

Right, well, open up, Dorian. No, no!

I've got nothing on!

I don't think the sight of your naked body's going to get me going, mate.

Well, uh, just put the clock outside.

No, don't be ridiculous. Open the door. All right, just a little bit, then.

What's the matter? I want to go to the loo.

You can't.

He's hardly downstairs. You just have to wait till he's gone to sleep.

I can't wait.

Well, you've got to wait.

I must go now, Steve.

Just a minute, Keith.

Tiptoe, tiptoe.

He's right underneath here, you know.

Now, if he comes out, go back in the loo and wait till he's gone.

Don't make a noise.

Shh!

Shh!

All right, all right, I'm coming, I'm going. What is it now?

Oh, God.

He's my propery, Lordy. Yes, what is? What do you want?

He's here.

Oh. Oh, my God.

I'll pray round the town looking for you.

Oh, Stan, Stan.

Are you all right, love?

Well, of course I am.

Well, you might have let us know.

I've been worried sick.

Now, look, I told you I don't allow for sitting this time of the night. Now,

keep your voices down. Oh, how could you have left your beautiful home for this

terrible room?

What's wrong with this room?

Well, it's mucked in. It wants air in.

Oh, you shouldn't have done it, love. I've been worried sick.

You know, he just grabbed his things and went.

Do you mind?

His things? Those happen to be my pyjamas.

All right, so do your pyjamas. We'll take them and go with a lot of you. All

right, then. Oh.

Oh, you think?

Oh.

Well, of course, you all know Doreen, don't you?

Yes.

I am not spending all night in the loo waiting for your precious family to go.

Now, where's my bag? Because I'm going.

What's she doing here?

So you don't know who she is? I know who she is, all right. She's Doreen Smith

of the number 14 route. I want to know what she's doing up there.

Well, I'm sure she didn't come up to collect tickets.

Stan, where's my bag?

Yeah, all right.

You idiot.

How right coward you are.

Scared of mummy.

Don't you talk to my son like that. You can keep your precious son.

Are you satisfied?

Are you?

Now, why don't you go to the lot of you? Go and clear out. All right, all right.

Olive, my pyjamas, please. Yes, ma 'am.

Aren't you coming back?

No. No, it's no good, Mum.

No, I've got to have a place of my own.

Yes, well, all right, son. Good night.

Yeah, good night.

You will come and see me, won't you?

Oh, of course I will. Don't be silly. Yes.

Well, ta -ra. Ta -ra.

I made a mistake letting you out of my room, didn't I?

I didn't know the family were going to come.

I'm not talking about your family. What about that woman?

Oh, God, what are the neighbours going to say?

You're turning this ass into a 40 -ounce per busman, aren't you?

Of course I'm not.

Mind you, when I come to think of it, it's not a bad idea.

What I can't understand is how she got up here. I was listening, Dad. All I

heard was one pair of feet.

I had her on me back.

Oh. Oh.

Well, I'll stop your gallop, mate.

I'll see that don't happen again. Give me that key back. Come on.

Come on.

Right. From now onwards, mate, I'm clocking you in.

Oh, dear.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, God, what's happened?

It's all your fault, mate. She slipped on the stairs.

I think I broke my ankle.

Well, don't stand there, mate. Go and get a cab.

All right, all right. Come on, Olive. Go, go, Olive. Oh, I'll be all right,

love. Don't worry about me.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, no, one minute, darling.

Come on, darling.

You can't go home like that.

All right, I'll see you home. Come on, then.

Oh, I thought you would.

Here you are, Mum.

Here's your tea.

Oh, Tom, love. You are a good boy.

We'd better be off. Film starts at 7 .30.

Oh, well, you needn't hurry back.

Now, Stan's home to look after me.

Oh, come on, sunshine.

Bye, Mum.

Have a nice time. Yeah.

How's the old leg, then?

Oh, it's a bit empty, love. Is it?

Yeah. Hang on, hang on a minute. Just a think, just a think, will you?

It'll take the pain away and forget it. A little drop of brandy in the old tea

there, love. You are a good boy.

You know, I don't think I'll be about again for about a week.

Oh, won't you? No.

Could you nip upstairs and get the fiver for me, love? Yeah, all right, then,

love. I won't be long.

That's right.

Oh!

Oh,

thanks, love. Has he still blinded you up a bit?

Oh, yes.

Well, easy come, easy go. Come on. Oh, love.

There you are.

Well,

have you got everything you want?

Yes, love.

There's no need for you to stay with me, you know.

Oh, no? Oh, good.

You can get on with the washing up.