Original subtitles

Thanks, mate.

Look at that, mate.

That's 27 and a half new pence for that lot.

That's five and a tanner in real money. That's daylight robbery.

Well, I tell you what, mate.

Blimey, you're lucky you can afford it, mate.

I'd better go back on the sandwiches.

We're all skint at home.

Yeah, the old lady said she can't manage on the money. She reckons she's got to

take in a lodger.

There you are. That's what I've got, sandwiches, mate. Look at that. They're

leftovers, they are.

Yeah. That's supposed to be your chicken sandwich.

Olive said to me, I'll give you a bit of the breast. Now, hang on, mate. I want

to show you something.

How about that, then?

Breast? Blimey. That must have been a very flat -chested chicken.

Well, there it goes. That's there I am, mate.

Oh, blimey.

Look at old Dracula.

He's doing all right.

Yeah, well, they can't get the blood these days, you see.

That's why he's gone on to solids.

Poor old boy's past it.

He ain't never been the same since he had his fangs removed.

Why don't you just shut up? You're like a couple of morons, aren't you?

Inspector, Inspector, you want it on the telephone? Oh, yes, I'll take it.

That looks good, Jack, doesn't it? Yeah, it's not right, you know, one bloke

having all that grub. No, you're right, dear.

Well, that's a good one.

Chips look better, though.

I think I'll have some of them, mate.

They're done. What?

Oh, man!

What's happening here?

Oh, well, Bevy's sandwich must have gone down the wrong way.

It's marvellous, eh?

It don't matter whether he's eating or driving a bus, it always ends up going

down the wrong way.

Ah, shut up.

One of my sprouts is missing.

No, it's most probably hiding behind your sausage there.

I always have four sprouts. One of them's missing.

Well, that'd be daft.

I'll tell you what, Jack.

Ring up Interpol.

You've had it, haven't you?

Of course. What are you talking about? You've had one of my sprouts, mate.

be tough.

And some of my chips and all.

No. You've been eating my grub, haven't you? I have not, no.

It's all over your hand. Look, it's my sprout there. Look, all the stuff there.

Do you want to lick it? Do you want to lick it?

Why don't you get your own grub, of course? Because I can't afford it.

why, mate. I'm telling you that. The old lady's dead skinned at times. She said,

you've got to take in the lodger and all that sort of thing. I'll tell you

something. And since I've done this test in my system, mate, since they've

rounded the figures up, We're all swindled. It's a swindle. Nonsense.

Yeah, it's not. He's quite right.

Look at that.

Portion of beans, four peas.

Now, last week, that was eightpence.

Now, that should be three and a half peas.

He's right, you know.

They've even stuck half a pea on the beans.

I don't know what's going on in this country. Anything to put the prices up,

that's what it is. See that out there?

Cup of tea, sevenpence.

Sevenpence. Now, sevenpence should be two and three -quarter peas.

But is it?

sits around it at sevenpence, now becomes three peas.

You do talk a lot of nonsense, don't you?

How can a canteen operate on a quart of peas?

It's no such thing.

Well, I don't see why we've got split peas.

All right, so I'm joking, but I'm telling you, we're skin to tongue. The

lady says you've got to take in the lodger.

You don't happen to know anybody who wants a room, do you?

Well, as a matter of fact, there's a new transport manager coming over from

Central Depot with his assistant for three months.

God, blimey, Blake, are you human after all?

Do you know what? I never thought you'd do anything for me.

I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me.

Because if you get a bit more money, you'll perhaps keep your hands off my

sprouts.

Oh, Mum!

Oh, blimey, watch your step up here.

Mum, oh, Mum!

Oh, God, blimey, where is everybody?

Oh, hello, love. Mum, I'm starving. Where's my grub? It's fish and chips in

oven. I didn't have any time to do any proper cooking, but we've been so busy

getting the room ready for the lodger. They came from the depot. He's the

traffic manager.

You don't have to tell me. I was the one that arranged it, wasn't I? Yes, and

he's coming here to sleep tonight.

We've got everything ready, but it's been such a rush, and Arthur helped.

Eh? Yes.

Yes, he's having bed and breakfast, evening meal. He's paying ten pound a

Ten quid a week?

You can't charge him that, mate.

Blimey, he's got to sleep on our rotten old camp bed.

No, I've taken care of all that. I found him a very fine bed. He'd be most

comfortable. Oh, good. Where did you get it?

Out of your bedroom.

What?

Listen, I'm not sleeping on that rotten old camp bed, mate.

That's what you're having, mate.

What? Oh, no. Well, we had to give him a proper bed for that price, you see.

Oh, yes. I'm here to take one or two other little things. What do you mean,

or two other little things? Just a minute now. Wait a minute. I'm going

Listen, I'm going to leave you, mate.

You don't trust him. You keep your hands off that. I'll be working my finger to

the bone all morning. I'll bet you have. I'll bet you have. There's nothing

you're going to miss.

Oh, Gromby, you stripped it.

Where's my wardrobe?

Over there.

You put all my shirts...

At least I took the trouble of covering them up with newspaper.

You took the trouble of... You're lying.

You just tipped the drawers upside down because that paper was on the bottom.

Yeah, well, I was in a bit of a hurry.

I could have had a better walk all over me clothes.

Oh. Now, that's rather fortunate because I've had to take your rug away.

What?

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm very pleased. Thanks you had the decency to leave me a chair.

Oh. Thanks for reminding me. I'll see you've forgotten that.

Pick them up! Eh? Pick them up!

Oh, all right.

Blimey, I've got no way to put them now.

What's all the fuss about?

I'll tell you what the fuss is about. It's stripped the room and I'm not

sleeping on that rotten thing.

Well, there's nothing rotten with that. Me and the dad used to sleep on that in

the wall down in the shelter before he went on his active service.

Oh, blimey, you couldn't have done much on that.

I would be surprised.

When he went away to war, my little Olive was on the way.

Yeah, the war certainly caused a lot of suffering.

Then he came back on leave, saw his little Olive, And went away to Burma for

five years.

He must have volunteered.

Why are you always so rude? Why am I so rude?

Look what you've done to me. I love to speak on this.

Hey,

there must be a bloke with two suitcases. This must be the lodger. Tell

sling his hook, then. Oh, no. Listen, we're not ready.

You can't leave him on the doorstep while he's sprinkling the house. Let him

All right, come on. Hang up on it.

Put that down!

I'm the one that... Mrs Butler?

Yes. Are you the gentleman from the depot? Yeah, that's right.

Nicholls, traffic manager.

Come in, please. Thank you very much.

Your room's all ready.

Oh, thank you.

This is my family.

This is my son, Stan.

He works on the butlers, you know.

Oh, yes, I had heard.

And this is my daughter, Olive.

Oh, you have a daughter.

How do you do, my dear?

And her husband.

Pleased to meet you.

Well, your room's all just here.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, come on, Stanley, don't stand there. Pick up the gentleman's bags.

Well, you should be very comfortable here, Mr Nicholls. Oh, thank you very

yes.

Ah, nice bed.

I can't sleep unless I've got a nice, comfortable bed.

Oh, neither can I.

Oh, I've got a trunk to come. I hope this wardrobe will be big enough.

Oh, yes. It holds quite a lot.

Done it, Stan.

Three suits, six pairs of slacks, a raincoat, overcoat, four pairs of shoes

my uniform.

Oh, you've tried it, have you?

Yes, last night.

Well, it all looks very satisfactory.

Yes. Well, we'll leave you to unpack.

You'll have had your tea of course.

No, as a matter of fact, I haven't. Oh.

Oh, well, I'll get you some. There's plenty.

We eat in the back room when you're ready.

Oh, thank you, ma 'am.

Come on, Stanley.

Sorry, Mr. Nicholls.

Oh, my God, look at the mess.

Oh, come on, Stanley. Give me a hand with this.

Here, where's Olive?

In the yard.

Well, bloody take her things off the line, will you? He's coming in anyway.

Paper's cleared up off the floor. Oh, all right.

Oh, look, Stan, get round. Oh, blimey, look, they've spilled the milk. Oh, get

them mopping, mopping down. Oh, don't be daft. They've got time for that. Come

here. Oh, Stan, what are you doing?

Put them in the sink. Oh, you can't. It looks so slovenly. All right, well, I'll

put them in the cupboard in here.

What's happening?

The lodger's coming in here. Get your drawers down.

Look, darling, I know he's paying ten quid a week and all found, but there is

limit, you know.

Stan, come on, love, give me a hand with it.

Here.

Bet the table.

Bet the cutlery. Bet the cutlery. Yeah, set for one.

That's enough. What are you going to eat?

Your fish and chips.

My fish and chips? Well, what am I going to eat then?

Oh, there's a couple of sardines left over, isn't there, Olive?

Yeah, we're saving them for the cat.

I'm not standing for any... Come in. Yes, of course, Mr Nicholls.

It's down.

Oh, am I eating alone?

Well, no, yes. What?

We've already eaten, haven't we, Stanley?

Yes.

Olive's just bringing yours down.

It's only fish and chips, I'm afraid. Yes, well, I think I'll just go and

Yes, it's the first on the left, upstairs.

Oh, yes, thank you very much.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm going to have some of my chips. Oh, no, you can't!

Look, he's had me bed, he's got me fish, and he's not having me chips, and

that's it. Oh, Stan!

Stan, don't be... Excuse me.

Anything wrong?

Oh, blimey, is he still in the bathroom?

Fine lodger you've introduced in the house. He's been in there hours.

You should flop on the door and tell him to get a move on.

Well, I for one have not stayed in here any longer, mate. I'm going to bed.

Olive!

He's right, you know, Mum. It's time for me to carry on.

Yeah? Yeah. I'm going to tell him straight. Yeah, do it.

Oh.

Well,

I do hope I haven't kept you waiting.

Not at all, Mr Nicholls. No, it was...

Just waiting to say goodnight to you.

Oh, how kind of you. Well, goodnight, then. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Oh, Mrs Butler. Yes?

Do you think I could have another blanket on me bed if you have one?

Oh, yes, of course. There's plenty. I'll just get one out of the linen cupboard.

Oh, thank you.

This is it, dear. If I don't do this, you'll put the electric fire on. This is

more than plenty. I've only got one. Oh, there you are.

Straight from the cleaners. Thank you very much.

Well, good night then. Yes, good night, Mr Nicholls.

Maybe you're right, Sam.

Well, actually, why not?

Well, good night.

Why not?

Thank you.

Papa,

you in bed?

Yes.

Right, quick.

What have you come barging in here for? Just one of your blankets.

You might have knocked, mate.

Why? There's nothing likely to be going on in here, is there?

Well, we might not be like Dabby Dabby, not Leap Year.

Listen, mate.

The old lady's taken one of my blankets.

I've got one left and I want one of yours.

Will you take your hands off my bedclothes? You've got five blankets. I

got five.

You have got one, two, three, four, five, four,

five.

No, it's not five. That's one of your bed socks.

Anyway, you've got four blankets and I want one of them. Where do you leave

those alone? We're not warm enough as it is.

Oh, Arthur, let him have one. We'll be all right.

I'll snuggle up to you to keep warm.

That settles it. Keep your hands off.

I suppose you don't think I'm desirable.

I'm not committing myself.

Well, you may not fancy me, but he does.

The lodger.

Why don't you wait till you're asleep before you start dreaming?

When you finish this romantic conversation, can I have one of these

No. Right, well, that's it then. When do you take your egg? When do you give me

back my bedclothes? Yeah, when I've got mine.

Here you are, mate.

You can have them, son.

And that's your order.

Right, that's it.

Get!

Get! Get me back that plank, listen. Get me back that plank. Don't strain

yourself. And will you shut up? We'll think about your operation.

Right, that's it, thanks. And get me back that plank. Listen, I'll tell

Keep quiet up there, I'm trying to get some sleep.

Well, this is enough to keep me warm. I hope you have a good night's sleep. Good

night. What about me? I should get all cold down the middle.

Well, put your vest down and your bed socks up.

Oh, God,

this line -up.

Oh,

blimmin' cheek.

I suffer all the time.

It's got bad.

Blimey, the clothes I got.

Blimey, it wouldn't keep a rabbit warm.

What else? Ah, yes, there's more like it.

The world over, come.

Come in, Andy, after all.

Oh, no!

Can't you get out of the way? Well, don't blame me if the lodger decides to

another bath.

I'd have just got my razor out before you locked the door.

I can't have you around here. Why don't you go and shave over my back mirror?

Oh, all right, all right, all right. Get away.

There you are.

God, blimey. A right night I've had.

I sleep on the floor.

And then I couldn't get in the bathroom this morning.

Well, the lodger's having a bath.

He's having a plumb. He had one last night. He had one first thing this

What's he doing all night?

He's sleeping in your bed.

Very funny.

Well, I haven't shaved down here like you.

You're not borrowing my razor, mate. I didn't have to, mate. I went into your

room and I borrowed Olive's.

Rugged cheek.

It's all right.

She wasn't using it.

Oh, I don't think that's very nice, Dan.

Who for, her or me?

Oh, really? Oh, look, can you get out of here?

Now, of course it isn't. I'm getting the lodgers ready.

Oh, I'm trying to get a bit of soap. Let's go and shave over there.

Oh, blimey, I'll go and shave with him then. Here, is that my razor?

No, darling, it's mine. Shrunk a bit.

Well, of course it's your razor.

Well, you've got a nerve.

I should have borrowed your tweezers, not this, you know.

Where did you last put a blade in here?

There, now. I think the lodger liked that.

Oh. You're not giving these breakfasts on a tray, are you? Well, he can't come

in here like this. Look at us all. I'm not dressed. You two shave him. What

he think? He's a gentleman.

Do you mind?

Blimey, I can't see. Get over.

Stupid great fool, I might have cut my throat.

It's a pity you didn't, mate. I could have borrowed your razor.

Well, now, put it on somewhere else. Oh, get off. No, I'll be all right. I'll go

over where I was before.

Now, listen, Madison.

Oh, stay low.

All over his back and his knees.

Well, he's clean enough on the outside.

It won't hurt me to be clean on the inside.

Well, I can't give him that. It's all soapy.

Won't hurt him, won't do any harm. Oh, well, all right, then, well, you can

this and I'll give him yours.

Why do I always have to suffer?

Here, love, go on, take it into him, quick.

Not me, love, is? Yes, otherwise he's coming here. Ask him if he wants

else, then come back and do Arthur's breakfast.

Right? There you go. That's it.

Oh, er, come in.

It's your breakfast, Mr Nicholls. Oh.

Thank you very much, my dear.

You're looking very nice this morning.

Oh, thank you.

Are you sure it's what you want?

You can have anything you fancy.

Can I?

Shall I put it on the bed?

No, I think I'll have it over there on the chair.

I won't have time for a proper breakfast now. I just have to have a cup of tea

and a bit of toast, Mum. All right, old love, you have that.

Hey!

That sounds like Olive!

Olive, what is it? Oh, he's darted on me, the lodger, he touched me!

Oh, don't be daft.

Why is it you're always imagining that men are after you? He did!

He pinched my bottom!

Don't be stupid, it must have been an accident or something. You bumped into

him, it was an accident.

No, no!

ship of fingerprints.

Oh, that's not all he did, Mum. What? He didn't. What was that? What was that?

What was that? Oh, no, no.

Blimey, why is he... I miss all the best bits.

Oh, I think it's disgusting.

What kind of a girl does he think Olive is?

Oh, good gracious me. You go in and tell him to leave.

How do you happen I tell him to leave? I don't know what's happened.

Now, come on, tell me what's happened.

practically handed it to him on a plate.

No, it was on a tray.

Oh, well, Arthur, this is disgusting.

He's got a nerve.

Arthur, she's your wife. You go in and tell him to leave.

You're quite right, Mother, I'm not. I shall go in there and personally chuck

him out. Yes, that's right. Even if he is paying ten pounds a week.

Eh?

Oh. Well, I don't think any of us shall be too hasty.

Sam, you go and tell him to leave. How can I? I just told you I'm late for

No, you'll have to go and tell him. All right.

I will. What a nerve.

I told him he could have a room, a bed and two meals for ten guineas a week. I

think he's paying ten guineas a week and all found.

Well, he certainly didn't waste time in trying to find it.

You going

to

get another lodger, then?

You must be joking, mate. Blimey, I'd enough with the other one, didn't I?

you, when old Blakey found out the laundry's left, he asked me if I'd like

put the assistant up.

That's enough trouble, boy, I tell you.

Back on sandwiches, are we?

Well,

your room would have dumped without assistant traffic manager, you know.

You must be joking, mate. I had enough of the last fella, I'll tell you that.

This way, look, I'll get my own bed.

No, there's too much trouble.

Oh, Mr Blake, I managed to get fixed up this morning.

Oh, good.

Nice thing. And there's a bachelor there, so I'll be all right.

Oh, you're a cracker, old lady.

Just anyway, she looked at me there.

Who is it?

That is the assistant traffic manager.

What? Well, you didn't tell me he was a she.

I don't have to tell you everything, do I?

Yeah, you missed out there, though, didn't you, eh?

I bet you wouldn't have minded her having your bed for three months, eh?

Oh, it's made my day, this, eh?

I hate you, Blakey.

I hate you.

Yeah, you must have a bit of pleasure out of life. Have one of my chips.

Well, I'll have it. Oh, mate, I'll tell you that.

Oh, wrong!

What the hell?