Original subtitles

Oh, blimey. Heads up. Here comes Frankenstein.

Hey, what's he got a scarf around his neck for?

That's so you can't see where his head's bolted on.

I was hoping he'd got a sore throat from rabbiting so much. No, he don't get a

sore throat. He gets a rusty throat.

We're finished, have we, Chet? Yeah. Well, shut up and put them pegs out!

We've got something very serious to say to you two.

The management are getting very worried. The passengers are getting increasingly

dissatisfied with the buses.

Last week alone we had 67 complaints.

67? Blimey, that's not many for the old debt, though.

63 of them was about used to.

All right, come on. What have we done now? Well, there's several letters here

the start about people complaining about being left behind at request stops. I

stopped the other day when a lady put her hand out. I'll tell you something,

mate, it was a waste of time. Why?

She was putting her hand out to see if it was raining.

Didn't she want to bust in?

Oh, yeah.

But when she found it wasn't raining, she decided to walk instead.

Yeah, I don't doubt she got there before you did.

Your pussy's got the worst reputation in the whole lot. Do you know that? You've

got to smarten yourselves up. Try and regain the confidence of the public.

Otherwise, you'll be finding we're making a few changes around here, aren't

All right, all right. We've got the message. Have you finished? Only with

out, you know.

All right.

Hang on a minute.

Where are you going?

I don't know where we're going.

We're going to the cemetery gates.

Well, your indicators are all wrong, aren't they?

It's only the back half of the bus that's going to the cemetery gates.

The front half is going to the general hospital.

We're trying to run a bus service here, mate, not a blooming mystery tour.

We're only one out, aren't we?

Is this due out now?

Yes, madam.

Thank you.

You'll find plenty of room.

All right, Stan.

Take it away.

I'll get out the front and see you out into the street.

No, don't bother, Jack. I've done it hundreds of times, mate.

You jump aboard.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, no, you don't. You're going to stick to the regulations, mate, and I'm

travelling on this bus to see you do.

The rules are not made for fun, you know.

They're made for everyone's safety.

Now, you go out in the road and signal your bus out in a proper manner. All

right.

I think about it later. You've ruined my shopping.

There's a mess all over me.

Don't bother to reverse these bugs back into the demo and hurry up about it.

I'm awfully sorry, madam. Let me off.

Here, Sam.

He wants you to take it back in the garage.

Go straight back as you are.

All right.

I'm very sorry, madam, but it was an accident. There was no need for you to

yourself on top of me like that.

I'm sorry, madam, I didn't know what I was doing, you see. I just put my hand

out to stop me falling. I know very well where your hand went.

Quite unnecessary.

In fact, I suspect it may well have been deliberate.

No, no, no, madam, it was all the driver's fault. Don't worry, I'll make

complete report about it. You?

Why, you know better than he is. I shall go to the manager myself.

Very instant.

And I shall demand the replacement of my shopping.

Everything I've got has been squashed.

Let's face it, mate. She's got plenty to squash.

Quite enough of that out of you. It was all your fault. Deliberate reckless

driving. What are you talking about my fault?

I had to step on everything. Otherwise it would have been a hell of a crash. I

tell you that, mate.

You know what, Jack? I tell you here. I was just going out and this car must

have been doing a ton down the road.

Yeah, you were lucky, mate. I got my steering wheel rammed right in my chest.

That's nothing to what that woman got rammed in her chest.

Oh, congratulations, Blakey. You're one of us.

What are you suggesting? That woman fell down and pulled me on top of her.

She couldn't resist you, I suppose.

It's your moustache that does it, mate.

How dare you, mate? It's a literal situation to say.

I just put my hand out. I didn't realise what I was doing.

The old red mist coming in front of the eyes.

I'll tell you what, Blakey, once you've spoken to the manager, it'll be all over

the depot.

Oh, no.

No, I'm not having that, no. Oh, you are a lucky bloke, you are. You're going to

have every clippy in the depot. You'll have to get on the bus with you.

I'll tell you what.

Talk about a scream.

Yes. When Jack opened the door,

Well, it must have been awful for him.

Well, I tell you what, it's the nearest he'll ever get to an orgy.

I know just how she felt. I had a terrible experience with Arthur last

Did you love her? That often happens when you're married.

This was on a buff.

Why, couldn't you wait till you got home?

I don't think there's any need to be quite so vulgar.

bus when we was coming home. It started off too soon. We both fell down and got

hurt. My tarts got torn.

I shall be claiming off the company.

What, we don't have legs?

Tarts don't get torn, they burst.

Don't be so rude.

I fell down three steps and bumped on the platform.

I was badly hurt. Got a terrible bruise on my thigh.

Now, show it to Mum.

Here, don't you drink that. Oh, I say, that's a terrible bruise. Oh, I'd better

put a bit of raw meat on there.

There's enough meat there already.

The price of meat today, her button must be worth about 50 quid.

Oh, the cash in on my investment, her assets must be growing every day.

What are you laughing for? I thought you laughed.

The fact still remains, mate, that travelling on your buses is extremely

dangerous. When she fell down those stairs and I grabbed her, I think it's

likely I strayed myself.

Well, the conductor should have been there to help.

He was.

Oh? Oh, haven't you heard, Mum? Yeah. When Olive fell down the stairs, the

conductor hurt himself.

Oh, did she fall on him?

No, when he saw her hurtling at him, he thought I'd done a deceit.

Just you to make a joke of it, mate. The fact remains you get no help or

courtesy from staff nowadays. You're right.

There's no politeness either. When your old dad wanted something, he asked for

it politely.

Nowadays, men don't ask.

They just grab.

Some don't even bother to grab.

Well, that's it. I've got to be off now. My stand drives well and with

consideration for others.

What did you hurt for?

Listen, mate, I've been driving the bus for 15 years and...

anybody on the road yet.

No, you catch them on the pavement first.

Stop being funny, mate. I'd like to see you get a big bus out of the garage,

mate, onto the main road.

I tell you what, I've got it coming to me from that way and this way. Both ways

at once, I have. It's dead dodgy. Yeah, they ought to do something about it.

Oh, they have, mon. Yeah, they've taught us how to look both ways at once.

Oh, how do you do that? With mirrors?

No, like this.

Here he is again. The return of Frankenstein.

Now, listen.

Stop calling me Frankenstein. I'm not having it, you understand?

Yeah, all right then.

Dracula.

Sweet. Now, shut up and listen. I've got something serious to say to you.

To avoid a repetition of the unfortunate occurrence when the bus left the depot

yesterday... Yeah, yeah, yeah. A new system of signals is to be adopted by

bus crews.

Oh, yeah? What are they then?

Well, shut up and hold that a minute and I'll show you.

Now, first of all, the conductor goes out in the middle of the road, turns to

his bus like this.

Now, you know what that means, don't you? Yeah.

Morons.

It means the bus must not advance.

Then the conductor turns, raises both arms thus, stopping the traffic from

sides. By God, he's strong.

Having stopped the traffic from both sides, the bus can then proceed into the

road without stopping whenever the conductor or conductors, as the case may

calls it forward like this.

Here,

you'll want to watch it, Blackie. My sister does that to develop her bus.

LAUGHTER

If I would have clipped this in the depot during that, we wouldn't have had

get a bus out of the depot.

Shut up and try it yourself. You're due out. Go on. All right, all right. Jack

of eights.

Let's leave him.

Oh, good morning, madam. I do hope this bus is going to be driven more carefully

than it was yesterday.

Oh, yes, the rest assured, madam. I have instructed the crews on a new

procedure, and I'm sure it will be a very smooth journey for you. May I carry

your bag? No, thank you. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself.

of regulations.

No one's supposed to be able to get on the bus while it's still moving.

you're causing too many accidents.

Yes, Jack, I wonder what all these notices are for, then. Oh, that.

Signed your opener before reversing. Ah, some newfangled scheme in the

management, I suppose.

What's that? Proceed with caution.

Oh, well, I know where that one goes.

That's hard to clip his loop.

No, no, it's a better one.

Watch rear when manoeuvring into position.

Hey, customer management would think of a thing like that, eh?

Heads up, eh, then? Yes.

What do you mean by moving my notices out there? You don't belong there.

Oh, sorry, I thought we was helping.

I'm having them notices placed in the depot to prevent accidents.

That's why we put them there.

Come on.

Come back right away and hurry up about. There's just about enough of you two,

aren't there? What's the big idea then, Blackie?

Well, it's a new safety scheme that's been worked out to prevent a recurrence

the unfortunate incidents we've been having on buses driving out through the

front of the depot. Oh, yeah. Well, what's going to happen now, then?

All the buses are going to drive out through the back of the depot.

That is brilliant, mate, that. Very brilliant, that, yeah.

Who thought that out, the computer?

It's all my idea, actually, yeah.

Well, would all that heavy traffic out the main gate seem rather obvious?

Yeah, well, it had to be for you to think of it, didn't it?

No, you've got to admit, old Frankenstein's got a very clever head on

shoulders. Yes, I've got to admit, they screwed a good one on this morning.

Get in that bus and get it out. Go on. Yeah, all right. And don't forget, when

you come back, you drive in through the front.

And go easy on the brakes.

I don't want any complaints from women who get thrown onto the floor.

Don't worry, Blankie.

When we throw women on the floor, we don't get no complaints.

Get that bus out of here!

Hello? Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, no, my new system is working very smoothly, sir.

Yes, oh, all the buses out on time, yes.

No, I'm having no congestion here at all, sir.

Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

You should have driven him through the front.

Now your bus is facing the wrong way round. You've spoiled all my system now.

What do you expect?

You keep changing it.

I've been doing it for so long, I can't do it any different.

Yeah, not being married.

I'll tell you what, Blakey.

I'll do it right for you next time. You'll do it right now and hurry up

it. Come on, they'll have all the other buses waiting to come through there.

You'll upset all my flow, you will. Turn it round, go on.

What, now?

Just right away, go on, and watch out for them pillars and all.

I don't want any wings scraped.

We've not got enough to do without worrying about you two.

Come on, Jack.

Come on.

Watch out for me at the front, will you? Yeah, all right.

Keep coming.

Come on, then.

Come on.

All right, you're not ready. That'll do. Change it up.

Yeah, get it in reverse. It helps. Go on, then. As you go.

Go on.

Go on.

Go on.

That's all right.

You stupid dick!

Why do you look out for the back? Because you told me to look out for the

Look, if you're afraid he sees us, he'll kill us.

Where is he?

In his office.

God! Blankie!

Blankie! Blankie! Blankie! Blankie! Blankie! Blankie! Blankie! Blankie!

Blankie! Blankie! Blankie!

Blankie!

His ears.

I'll tell you what, get round the back of your head.

Twist it round.

Twist it round.

And when you can miss it, lift it up over his ears, you see. Right, come on,

me. Right, to you, to you, to you.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Why are you going down there?

It's caught on his chin. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Turn round. Hang on.

What's that? Good old Joe, mate. The old grease gunner do it, Blakey.

Don't talk, don't talk. Get out of here. That won't get me out of here.

Blakey, it's like the little kid when he's got his head stuck in the railing.

You grease their ears, and it comes off easy. See?

Except you can get the grease out. How do you get it out? Oh, Fluffy, don't you

know nothing? You won't get grease out of that, mate, unless you press it up

against a nipple.

I'm on the grease. He's ears, not his nipples.

Give me a second here. Come on, look. Like that. See? Like that. See?

Take it out of there. Take it out of there.

This will do the trick.

Oh, don't. It'd be a twerk show. Look at the size of that. The size of those

iron burgers.

Go on.

I never cut through those. Go and find something else, will you? I'll tell you

what, though. What? He cut through his ears. Oh, yeah. Oh, don't.

Oh, Inspector.

What have you got your head through that door for?

So he can see through the other side, you silly... He's got his head stuck in

the door and we can't get it out.

was pull his loaves down.

I don't want me loaves pulled.

That'd be a good idea. Come on. Loaves, loaves.

We've got the burning flood now.

Yeah, burn through these iron bars just like butter, mate. We'll have you out in

no time, son. Light it up, Jack.

All right, here we go. Shake his face. Mind your own business.

We'll have cut through these for you, have you out in no time.

Oh,

I hope the inspector's all right, Dan. I mean, he's been here four days now.

Look, the sister said it's just a touch of shock, that's all.

I'll give him the chocolates.

Yes, please. You give him the flowers. Oh, yes, they're lovely and fresh.

Yeah, well, they ought to be. I just got them from the cemetery this morning.

Was there a funeral on, was there?

I got them from the stall outside the gates.

Now, shut up and try and be happy, will you?

I mean, my job depends on this.

Now, listen, the sister said he's in the first bed on the left as we go into

this door. Now, keep your eyes down. Be nice to him. Be nice to him.

Here.

The screen's around.

Blimey, I hope you ain't snuffed it.

Oh, I feel sick.

That's all right.

It appears there might be a bed vacancy.

Is there?

Oh, can't you see, Lambie? What?

Yes, I've just given him a blanket bath.

Oh, I see.

Is Mr. Blake all right?

Well, he's very feverish and suffering from severe shock.

I think I'd be suffering from shock if he'd just given me a blanket bath.

Nothing you'd know about.

It's a nice box of chocolate, see?

Ah, we're ever so sorry to hear you were hurt.

I brought you some flowers.

Should I put them in the vase?

Put them anywhere.

Well, very pleased to see you're looking all right.

I'm not all right.

Well, I don't know.

I see you brought your clipboard with you.

Says you've been late three times out of four.

Also says you're not very regular.

Blimey, I was only trying to cheer you up, mate.

We're ever so sorry you were hurt.

Yes, it's never any fun being in bed.

Oh, right you are.

Look, we just thought we'd come to see you, that's all. I know why you come

here. You come here to try and get round me, don't you? Well, you're wasting

your time. It's all gone down in my report here.

What? What all that?

Oh, I'm not finished yet, no.

No, I keep ringing for the nurse to sharpen me pencils.

It wasn't Stan's fault, Inspector.

It's not his fault. No, no, no.

His bus was parked there and my office took off and ran into it ten miles an

hour.

It's dangerous driving. There could be a court case.

There could be a court case over this. You've only come here because you feel

responsible. I told you it was a waste of time, mate. It's an admission of

guilt. What do you mean?

I ain't killed anybody.

I don't know. Delayed concussion can be very dodgy.

Broke a work bag in his head, looked no worse than him. He was dead at the end

of the week.

Here, Blakey, you ought to watch out, mate.

If anything happens to you, it could be very nasty for me.

It wouldn't be very nice for me.

Oh, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Inspector.

The sister said you were making a lovely recovery.

Oh, and it is a wonderful hospital.

I mean, you know that, Arthur. You came here for your operation.

Oh, shut up. Well, he's never been right since.

I'm not interested in your husband's operations, thank you.

Well, I am.

Oliver, I don't like that sort of talk.

Look here, it's no good you coming here trying to get round me because I've made

up my mind. It's all down in my report, butler. I'm charging you with dangerous

driving, attempted manslaughter and willful damage of company property.

Oh, you won't get away with it this time, I tell you, mate.

I'm feeling a bit better already.

Hello,

Blackie.

It's him, he's turned up and all. You're in the report and all.

You're both at the same, you know that, don't you?

I don't care if I do die or I shall die.

Yeah, well, there ain't going to be no report, mate.

That's what I come to see you about.

What are you on about, no report?

I've been to see the union secretary.

The inspector ordered you to manoeuvre that bus in the garage, didn't he, Stan?

Yeah, of course he did, yeah.

That's right, yeah. It's all down in the report.

According to the union, mate, a bus driver is not allowed to manoeuvre a bus

a depot. That is the job of the shunter. It's the rule, mate. It's demarcation,

isn't it?

He's right.

That's right, yes.

He can't be. It's all in the book there, 6 and 6, pedagogue 4.

So we won't be getting the sack at all, then? No, I'm afraid if anyone gets the

sack, it's going to be him.

I tell you, Matt, you want to be very careful because it's people like you

cause all these accidents.

Now, I don't know about the rest, but I'm a bit peckish. Pass the fruit over.