Original subtitles

Here you are, love. Here's your breakfast. So, Mum.

Here. Have you got their card?

Yes, and I've put to Arthur and Olive on their 10th wedding anniversary with our

fondest love. Oh, that's nice, nice. I like that. Yes, and I've also put

them many, many more years of married life.

Trust you to put the markers on it.

Oh, shh. She's coming down.

Morning, Mum. Morning, Dad. Morning, love.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary, love. Oh, thank you.

Oh, it's lovely.

When I think Arthur and Olive married ten years, I feel I want to cry.

Blimey, it makes you cry. How do you think Arthur feels?

It's only his joke, love. Look, here's one that came with the postman.

Oh, that must be from Arthur.

It's from Aunt Maud. Oh.

Oh, she's sending us a present.

Oh, that's nice.

She says, I'm sending it by British Rail and I hope it will arrive in time for

your 10th anniversary.

Blimey, if you're coming by the British Rail, you won't get it for your golden

wedding.

Is that the only card the postman brought?

Look, Jack, let's face it.

He's forgotten, hasn't he? Arthur's forgotten it. Oh, of course he hasn't.

could he forget being married to Ollie for 10 years?

Yeah, you've got a point there.

Look, did he mention anything?

No, but he did smile at me this morning.

That proves that he's forgotten it.

Oh, don't be wicked.

Oh, here he is. He's coming now. Hide the cards. Now, we'll soon find out. I

think we'll soon find out whether he's forgotten it or not. All right.

Morning, Mum. Morning. Good morning.

What's for breakfast?

Sausages and mushrooms in the pan, love. Thank you.

Do you know what day it is?

Aye.

Tuesday, innit?

Don't you remember anything?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the dustman come today. Do you want me to put the pin out?

What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Oh, by the way,

happy anniversary, sunshine.

Oh! Oh, that you did remember!

Oh,

isn't that sweet?

He wanted the enjoyment of giving it to you himself.

He wanted the enjoyment of saving a stamp.

Oh, you shut up.

Oh, no, listen, Mum, listen, it's lovely.

Another year we've been together, dear. A year of perfect bliss.

And on this day... I'd like to say I love you with a kiss.

How do you know it was written? Have you seen it before?

Yeah, and so have you.

Blimey, that's the one he gave you last year.

Arthur, is it?

I kept that card for sentimental reasons.

Represents quite a lot to me. Yeah. The price of a card.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

Who's that?

Oh, I'll get it.

Stan, you shouldn't let your sister go to the door in her dressing gown.

There might be that man selling brushes.

Well, she'll frighten him away, won't she?

What is it? Come on.

It's a dog! She sent us a dog!

What'd she want to send us a dog for?

Oh, look, she loves me already.

That she happens to be an E.

How do you know? There's something on the box.

There's something on the dog.

Here's a lead and a bone.

Oh, yes.

And here's a... Here's a note. It says, to Olive and Arthur on their

anniversary, I'm sure you'll love this little pet and he will take the place of

the little one you've never had.

Oh.

Oh. It'll give me something to love. It brings out the mother in me.

Oh, like adopting a baby.

He wants to say hello to his daddy.

I am not his daddy.

Ah!

germs all over him. You must have a cold. I have not got a cold. Ollie, take

that box out in the yard. It don't look too hygienic. Oh, all right.

Here, hold Scruffy a minute. Hey.

Well, don't be long.

Come here.

Come here. Give me.

Hello, my little fellow.

No, I haven't got my hanky. I'll have to go upstairs.

Here. Keep an eye on him, Sam, will you?

All right.

Here.

Jack's sister's got a poodle.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. She thinks we have to have all special sorts of food.

Oh, well, we don't have to worry, because Olive's going to cook for it.

Oh, blimey, don't let her do that. We'll have the RSPCA after us.

I told you to watch that, dog. I was.

I was watching him eat your breakfast.

He's got through all five sausages.

Yeah. Well, I may enjoy them, but I don't like them at all.

Oh, poor little dog.

Here, I hope he's all right.

Them sausages wasn't too fresh.

Oh, poor little thing. I hope he doesn't hurt your little tum -tum.

What about his tum -tum? What about my tum -tum? Oh, you'll be all right, but

these dogs will have to have special food.

They're like babies.

Oh, yes, Stan. When you're off duty, could you pop in the pet shop and see if

they've got any special dog food?

Mum's right. Poodles are delicate. They are a bit like babies. Yeah, all right

then, darling. I'll get that for you.

Yeah, and looking at Arthur's jacket, I'd better get your little baby some

nappies. Aye.

Where?

Where's the little peri -shirt?

Oh, did it, eh? Had you there, eh, Papa?

Happy anniversary!

Oh, shut up!

Hi,

Sam. You got those biscuits for Olive's dog? Yeah, I've got them here. I hope

they're the right type.

They're called Frisky Bix.

Let's have a look.

Contains everything to keep an animal healthy, with Woofo, the special dog

conditioner. Well, that sounds OK. Yeah.

They look just like ordinary biscuits to me, look.

Look at that.

Come on, you two.

Nearly half past.

What have you got there, then?

It's just some biscuits I got for our lunch break.

Well, go on, Stan, do the decent thing. Offer the inspector one.

Go on, give him one.

Don't be so stingy.

I'll blake you try one, then, mate. Thanks, I don't mind if I do.

Go well with your cocoa.

Oh, I don't think I've ever had one like this before.

Tell you the truth, neither have I.

Bit hard, isn't it?

Yeah, well, they're a new type, you know. They're hard to make now, you

but they're all the rage.

What does savoury sort of taste like?

A bit unusual.

Well, they're new.

Yeah, well, dip them in your cocoa to soften them up a bit.

Oh, yeah.

Dunk them.

Yeah.

Very unusual, these.

Yeah. I think I'd like to get some of these for my old mum.

She likes something a bit unusual.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, Jack, do you think these are all right? It won't hurt him, will it? Ah,

no, no, they're full of vitamins, mate. Look, look what it says here.

Guaranteed to make his coat shiny.

Perhaps it'll make his moustache grow longer and silkier.

I tell you what, if it does, we'll enter in for crafts.

Butler.

Yeah? You're not buried in biscuits, you know.

Oh.

Another one in? Oh, thanks.

It was a bit late for me breakfast, actually.

Another couple of them and you'd be chasing the clippers up a tree.

They are unusual, these biscuits, I must say.

Here you go.

What's he got on the bag, then? Oh, nothing unusual. Oh, go on, show me. Oh,

no. Go on, have a look.

Oh.

Frisky Bix.

It's not frisky.

You've made me a dogfisher, haven't you? I didn't make you.

Listen, you took one. I didn't make you. I could kill you for this, father. God

knows what that would do to me. Ah, dummy, stupid.

Look, look. They can't do you nothing but good. Look what it says here.

They contain a special powder to keep you in condition. In condition for what?

Well, they're the dogs that I've been kept in condition for.

Very funny.

Go on, get in that bath out of it.

If anything happens to me, I'll be straight round after you two.

Yeah, you do that, and we'll take you straight round the vet. I'll sue you.

I'll sue the pair of you. Oh, Blake, you calm off it, mate. I used to eat lots

of dog biscuits when I was a kid.

Yeah, you've got the teeth for it, ain't you?

mate before he bites you I'll have you finished but don't you worry about it

mate god blimey mate we didn't mean anything don't worry you won't get away

it here I tell you what on your way home tonight avoid lampposts

Oh, I'm glad you're home, love. We've been waiting for you.

Olive's made a lovely anniversary dinner.

Olive!

Stan's home!

Oh. Yeah, the table looks nice, doesn't it?

Yeah, I must confess, she's done it very nicely.

Yes, she laid it all herself.

Then she went berserk and swept up the room. Yes.

How do you know?

The plates are covered in dust.

Stan, she did her best. I think she's made the table look very pretty.

Yeah. I grant you that. She's covered up all the holes in the tablecloth.

Oh, well, love, it is a special occasion. After all, Olive and Arthur

married for ten years.

Oh, she's coming down now.

Arthur? Hey.

All right, I'll put me jacket on. Yes, you too.

Well,

you want me to put me top hat and football boots on and all?

You don't need to be funny. There's no need to be funny. Now, listen, the pair

of you, make an effort. Be nice to her.

Shh. Here she comes.

Hello, Arthur, love.

Blimey, is that you?

What's that you've got dangling there?

Oh, you noticed.

Well, what is it?

It's a piece. Piece of what?

I shall only use it for special occasions.

Good. In the middle of the week, you can lend it to him. He needs it.

Ah, very comical.

Turn round. Show him. Look.

Here. How do you like her midi skirt?

Very nice.

I think you ought to sew that slit up.

It's supposed to be like that. The woman in the shop said it was titillating.

Titillating?

Shows you knickers.

It does not. It only comes up to my knee.

Your knickers go down to your knee.

Here you are, love. Take the doggie. Now, she's made a lovely anniversary

for us. Now, come on, all sit down, because Arthur's brought us something to

drink.

God, blimey, I will have to sit down then.

You don't need to be facetious.

It just so happens that I've brought a rather good sherry here for Olive.

Well, it's the only bottle of anything you've ever bought and it hasn't come

from a national elf.

I've also purchased a rather expensive box of liqueur chocolates.

Have a taste.

Very nice.

That's smashing, that is, Arthur.

Yes.

Yes, I'll have some of that.

We'll be done with the bottle.

I thought we'd save some for later.

Oh, we're going to have it with dinner, are we?

No, we're putting it away till next Christmas.

Oh, blimey.

Oh, my little baby, would you like a little drinky? Here, do you mind? I was

drinking out of that.

Well, that's all right. The dog won't mind.

Well, that's it. I don't want any more out of there.

Oh, Arthur, don't be cross.

to dada for drinking. I don't... Ah!

Oh, darling, you have got a cold.

I have not got a cold.

Now, now, Arthur, don't be rude. Tonight of all nights, here's your soup, love.

Take it. Give him one.

That's right.

Lovely. Here you are, and here's yours.

There, now, I'll take the little doggie and put him in his basket.

Come on,

Arthur. Kiss and make up. I don't wish to kiss you after you've been slobbering

all over that animal.

Oh, come on, love.

It's a special occasion. I want you to remember this meal. All right, just one.

God, blimey. He's hardly likely to forget it.

Your hair's floating in his suit.

You stupid great stuff.

Get it out of here.

Stop blimey skid -flipping all over the sherry. What's the matter with you? Come

here, really.

Do you have to be quite so revolting? You haven't missed much, have you?

You have my sweet touch, you have my sweet touch. No, thank you very much. I

don't want any.

All right, then? Yeah.

Will you stop dangling that stuff in my food, sonny?

Oh, Mother, I'm all ticklish there.

You've been married ten years, you just found out.

You leave it.

No, there's all the soup trickling down me.

Love, I think your chicken's done. You'd better go and get it out of the oven.

Oh, all right, Mum.

Now, then. That wasn't bad, that soup. Good. Now we'll toast.

The happy couple.

What with?

Huh?

Harper, I tell you what, I'll go mad, I'll be a fool.

There's a couple of Bob, give us another one.

I don't think there's any need to be sarcastic.

Oh, a one!

What? He's got trapped in there! He's got trapped in there!

He's got trapped in there! He's got trapped in there!

I thought it was the chicken.

chicken.

Here, where is it, love?

Here, where do you put the chicken?

It's on the mat with the dog.

You stupid great love, what do you leave it out for?

Because my hair caught fire.

Well, that's it. That's the dinner corn, isn't it?

Oh, Scruffy, that dog ought to be punished.

Eating her grub, he's already been punished.

Oh, I didn't mean it, love.

We can't eat it now if we're on the floor with a dog, are we? Look, look,

love, love, listen, listen.

I'll open a nice tin of pilchards.

Pilchards?

Yes, they go very nice with a roast potato.

My dear mother -in -law, you know I cannot digest pilchards. I shall be up

night.

Lucky girl, the dog's done you a favour.

Oh, well, I've got some eggs. I'll make you all an omelette.

That dog ought to be tied up. He's a menace.

Don't you speak to him like that. You'll upset him. Now go on, say you love him.

Listen,

mate. Do you know what I reckon? I've seen this every time that Olive puts

dog near you, you sneeze your head off.

You're allergic to dogs.

You have an allergy.

I have...

I have not got... Of course you have. Wait a minute.

I remember a few years ago when I was in Diggs, I had a poodle.

I sneezed non -stop for three hours.

That explains it!

What? How you blew all your hair out.

I'm getting a little tired of your puerile jokes.

Oh, you see, what happens the rest of the evening, I've probably just got a

cold. Well, now, love, while you're waiting, what about one of Arthur's nice

drinks? We'll be lucky.

They're free and easy with my drinks, aren't they?

Oh, I know.

What about one of his lovely chocolates?

Here, Arthur, where are the chocolates?

On the trolley.

Oh, they're not.

Eh? No, they're not. No.

No, they're on the floor.

Hey!

If that dog's had them, I'll kill him. That cost me nearly two pounds.

Don't shout yet, mate. We don't... No, see?

Big head, ain't you? Mouth almighty.

They're all there, mate. Yeah, that's all right, then.

Some of the liqueurs is leaked out of these chocolates.

No, it's not a liqueur. No.

What are you doing?

I thought Aunt Maud said that dog was our strain.

Don't stand there. Make the omelette, Mum.

Oh, right. Oh, I'll have a drop of... Happy wedding anniversary!

Hey, we're due out in a minute, mate.

Yeah, well, we've got a couple of minutes, haven't we?

No, I'm just going to catch this bass. Yeah?

Taking the dog back to Wampumwood.

Yeah, Arthur's allergic to the dog. Soon as he put him there, he started

sneezing all over the place. Hello, sir.

Oh, hello, Ollie. Sorry to hear about the dog.

Yeah, he's so lovely. I shall hate having to see him go.

Yeah, well, I tell you what, keep the dog and get rid of Arthur.

You don't know the exchange rate, mate. Yeah, ten authors for him.

Here.

There's a passenger just got on our bus. We'd better hurry, mate.

Why? Well, if we hang about here, we might get another one.

Come on, Ollie.

Come on.

Why this bus out yet? Come on, move yourself. Hurry along, yeah?

Is that you?

That is a dog.

Oh. The passenger took a dog on there.

Only I thought all those biscuits you ate, you know.

There's a couple of dogs on here having a barney. Well, get them off, then. Come

on. Oh, no, no, no.

It's an inspector's job to settle disputes.

Rule 24, paragraph 2b.

Oh, please, you'll kill my little baby.

All right, calm yourself, madam. Step her all back. I'll see to this.

Any minute now, we'll need a new

inspector.

There he comes.

He bit me.

He's a wild beast.

He came at me like a wild beast in there.

Come on, my boy. Let's get off of this bastard.

He bit me, all right.

Well, I should think so. Blimey, look at the size of him. Not that one. That one

there, look.

Anyway.

It's all right now, yeah.

There's no blood, mate. There's no blood.

Tell me, tell me. Look, you tell me when it hurts, right?

Ow, ow!

Does that hurt?

Ow, ow!

I thought it hurt. That's where you got the teeth marks, you see.

I wouldn't mind, but he came straight at me.

Well, he fancied you, didn't he?

I mean, it's all those biscuits you've had, see? He's put you in fine

You sure this skin's not broken down here? No, no, you're all right, Nick.

thank God for that.

Otherwise some terrible germs might have got through. Yeah, you could have given

that dog the snapper, you know.

Oh, well, you're all right anyway. Oh!

Oh,

sorry, Blake.

Oh, Stan, poor little scruffy. He's all a -tremble.

Don't worry about him. What about me?

That dog deliberately came at me and savaged my leg.

Yeah, and done his teeth much good either.

I might have known that dog was a member of your family.

The company will make your sister pay for another pair of trousers. Do you

realise that?

You better accompany me to the manager's office, madam.

You'll have to pay five pounds at least for this.

Oh, Stan,

I haven't got five pounds.

Oh, they'll kill me when he finds out. Oh, don't worry, love. We'll have a whip

round the ledge. I'll tell him it's for the dog that bit the inspector. We'll

make a fortune.

Come on, I'll put five on me for the start.

A dollar?

Blimey, mate. I'm not joking, mate. That's worth a quid. We might make more

five quid.

More? Yeah.

Here. How do you feel about going for his other leg, darling?

You've only been with us half a day. You're waiting gold, sweetheart.

Don't stand about, Chalky. Come and put the dollar in there, mate.