Original subtitles

Yes, you see, I have quite a responsible job with the British Rail.

My father used to drive here, that's why I come here.

That's 24, Blackie.

Your turn next month. How many years does he want, mate? 81.

I don't think Mum stands a chance with Blakey, do you? Yeah, right.

We'll have to work the oracle in a minute, mate. Right, your turn, Mum.

Mum, see if you can get a bullseye. Oh, love, I'll never get that.

14.

11.

And a 2.

Oh, that's 27,

Mrs B.

141.

Right, that's... That's good.

This shouldn't take me long to finish off, should it? What do I need, 81?

I'm sorry, Mrs Butler, I happen to be rather good at this, you know. All

all right. You're standing too near the board.

What are you talking about? I'm turning the knife.

No, it's not that, Jack. It's arms.

Blimey, they're nine foot long, your arms.

Well, you don't have to frame them. You can push them in.

Don't be stupid, will you? The regulation line wasn't meant for blokes

You know, it's not often you find a bloke with arms as long as his.

No, be fair, mate. No, it's very common.

They're perfectly normal.

Yeah, in the zoo.

Have you finished?

Stan, you mustn't say things like that to the inspector.

It's all right, Mrs. Butler. I'm used to it. It all goes in one ear and out the

other. Well, there's nothing in the middle to stop it, is there?

Quick. Now, will you let me concentrate and throw? Yeah, go on then.

Double top. Oh, the inspector's very good with darts, isn't he?

Well, he ought to. I mean, where he comes from, they poison the chips and

them through pipes.

Forgive him, inspector.

He's just like his dad, always coming out with funny little jokes.

Yeah, I think he was one of them, wasn't he?

You trying to put me off, are you? Now, keep quiet, will you?

Six. Four.

And seven, that's 53, likely 14 she wants.

14's all right. Right, it's your turn now, Mum.

Well, now, cheer up.

Look, we're nearly finished.

Then you and Arthur can play.

Here, can you assist her Olive playdots? No, but her husband can. I mean, let's

face it, it's the only pleasure he gets in life.

The trouble with Olive is, you see, she has to keep having a nibble in between

each throw.

Oh, yes.

Here, look.

Look, see if Arthur's having a nibble at all.

No, he's not interested in sex.

What makes you say that?

Well, he can't be married Olive.

Here. Do you reckon he's told Wendy that he's mad at the wallet?

I reckon he just has. She's laughing.

Mum, get what you're doing then, Mum. Oh, I know.

Oh,

very good, Mr. Peter. That's 78.

Hang about.

What are you talking about?

That's not what I make it.

Four and a one and one outside the vault is five, according to my arithmetic.

Sorry about your chalk slip there. It's a bit better. Mrs Butler still needs

136. I know what's going on, you know. I know your little tricks.

I'm afraid it's going to be the file routine, mate, so keep him busy, will

I'm sorry about that. I thought it was a double eight.

Well, don't have a butt, blaggy. We'll wait for you. Take your darts, mate.

Well,

I need a double 14 and three darts to get it. Well, that shouldn't be too

difficult, should it?

Oh, dear.

Hit the wire.

Here it goes.

What's happening to us? Well, you just haven't got the strength to push them in

anymore.

You want to take one of your pills, one of them over 45 to 40s?

That'd be no good to him, mate. He only wants 28.

Will you let me concentrate?

Takes a bit of concentration.

Oh,

mate, that went right in the double 14 and come out again.

Very good shot indeed.

I can't understand it at all. Right, go on, Mam, it's your turn.

How many have I got to get? All you need is a treble 20, a double 20 and a

double 80.

It's easier that way, isn't it?

Oh!

What? I don't believe you didn't get through that, did you? What are you

about, Dumbie Duff? You didn't see it, but they did, didn't you?

Oh,

but Stan, I thought that when I... No, no, no, the trouble with you is, you

when you haven't got your glasses, your eyesight's a bit umpty, you see what I

mean? When you take it from me, you won.

Oh, have I?

Yes, yes.

Now, come on, mate, you know what it is. Lose all his place for the drinks.

I don't believe you, Mrs Butler, but I won't call you a liar.

Anyway, I'm not a Welsher. What do you want to drink? Can I have a bitter? No,

you're not a bitter. You know what it's like. It flops about in your stomach.

Now, you have a nice large port and lemon.

Oh, yes, if you say so, sir. Thanks very much.

I'll have a scotch. Okay.

And don't forget, you always have to buy the score of one and all.

Will you have an awful pint of bitter in here apart from the rest of what you

threw over me trousers?

No, I've had enough beer, thanks. Oh, well, pity. I won't twist your arm. No,

I'll have a large scotch instead.

I can't understand him, darling.

Yeah, it's me and you against Olive in there. Oh, blimey, look at him. Oh, dear

Lord. Hey, Arthur.

Olive's waiting.

You know your wife.

Arthur.

Arthur, you remember Olive?

Yes, all right, I'm coming.

Okay, come on, darling, get to dark.

Right, Si, dear.

Now... Oh, blimey. What have you... You've got jam all over her.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. It was the first time I'd seen fellas with pips in them.

Doesn't matter. I'll use them. Well, lend us your prop a minute, will you?

Right, go on. Off we go.

Blimey.

Well, it's a pity you didn't put the jam on the other end. It might have stuck

in.

Go on, then. I'll get us off, mate. Let me get my nut out. Right then. You

ready? Here we go.

Oh, it's not there quite. Well, keep them there, son.

Oh. Lovely grouping.

Go on, Martin. Hard luck. Come on, Arthur, mate. We're waiting.

Go on, mate.

It shan't be long.

Managed to tear yourself away, did you?

Here we go.

I've been watching you. You've bought her three drinks. Never mind me. I

had a drink all evening. Yeah, well, they don't happen to serve cocoa here.

I want a port and lemon. All right, all right.

You can have a small cider when we've completed the game.

Arthur.

What are you having? It's on me this time.

Oh. Oh, no, my dear. No, no.

You put your money away. You take it out of that.

I'll come back for the change later.

God blimey, the last of the big spenders.

Here we are.

Here's the tricks from the inspector.

Good. Cheers, Blanky Mike. Good on you, Blanky. Good on you, Mike. Yeah, what's

the matter, love?

It's Arthur and that bit.

Yes, you have been behaving badly.

You've hardly looked at Oliver all night.

Well, I did come here to enjoy myself.

You know what mum means. You haven't said a word to me all evening.

Well, until you get your next set at Showplace, there's very little to

Here you are, love.

Drinks are coming.

Won't be long.

I don't know how you can make such a fool of yourself with that woman.

She happens to like my conversation and finds me rather stimulating.

We'll wait until she finds out about your operation.

Will you shut up, you two. We're supposed to be playing darts.

Well, Olive's quite right. I don't know what he sees in that woman. Here, my

little Olive would never wear a dress like that.

Your little Olive couldn't get into a dress like that.

Right, now then.

Pay attention to her all evening. I'm going home.

Oh, well, if you feel like that about it, sunshine, let me get your coat.

I'll get my own coat.

I don't want to play darts anymore, Mum. I've got a headache.

I'm going home to bed.

Don't worry, I shan't wake you up.

Ignore him.

Right, now you've put your foot right at the edge of me. It's the end of the

game, then. All right, all right, all right. Here, here, sir.

Do you, er... Do you think Wendy over there would like to play?

No doubt she would.

But we happen to be playing darts.

Oh, love, don't forget your drink.

Might be long.

Gee, well after you, mate. Well, you know. Well, you know, Wendy, she always

a crush on skinheads.

Oh, oh, oh!

Go on, blow me the foil!

That's the tenth cigarette you've lit tonight.

Oh, where's Stan? Why doesn't he come down?

I've called him three times.

Stan!

Stan!

All right, I'm coming!

Well, I should hope so, too.

Shouting your head off, are you? Well, I can't help it. You're waking the old

neighbour up. I'm going to wake the neighbour up. Perhaps we ought to do

too. Listen, have you seen the time?

It's gone one o 'clock in the morning.

Right, darling, who have you got me up for?

It's Arthur. He hasn't come home.

You're making a fuss about nothing. He'll be home. He always is. Right, now,

going to bed.

Oh, no, you're not. You're not leaving her all of me down here to worry our

lives. Don't you sit down there.

I'm going to tell you, Mum. What?

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Well, he's never been as late as this before.

Well, he's a fella, isn't he?

He's having his seven -year itch.

We've been married nine years.

Well, he must have scratched her out for the other two.

Well, of course, it's the girl I blame.

chasing after another woman's husband.

It's what they call the permissive society.

Yeah. Perhaps Arthur's just decided to join.

The front

door! It's Arthur!

Oh, what's that? It's Arthur! He's back!

Oh, is that all?

Blimey, I was having a good kip then.

What are you all doing down here?

Eh?

What on earth's going on?

Well, may you ask?

Where have you been all night?

We missed the last bus.

Oh, it's we, is it?

You've been with that woman?

I did escort Wendy home, yes.

Why couldn't she see herself home?

Perhaps it would be rather dark outside. She was afraid something might happen

to her.

If I know Wendy, she'd be frightened that nothing would happen to her.

You know all those streets are like after dark. I was afraid she might be

attacked. Oh, what about me?

I'll bring your supper home from the fish shop when it's pitch black.

Never mind me. I could be attacked.

Yeah, well, don't worry. No one could come to you, my dear.

All they'd be after would be the fish and chips.

Oh, it's all right, Mum.

I'm used to it.

He's worse than usual tonight because he's been out with that tart.

I have not been out with a tart.

She happened to be a very nice type of person.

Oh, is he?

Well, I tell you what, from now on, I'm going to lock my bedroom door.

Well, that's one way to keep him in.

That's not what I mean.

He's not sleeping with me.

Oh, is he?

He's not.

He can forget all about that.

I forgot all about that years ago.

It's not her fault you had to have an operation.

If you don't shut up, you'll be the one needing an operation, mate.

Shut up! Shut up! You're making her ill.

Are you picking on me, Rash?

Where's the ointment?

Oh, she's coming all out in red splotches.

Will any change be an improvement?

You...

Break the tin open, otherwise we all starve.

Well, that's it, isn't it?

I'm not standing here to be physically molested. I'm going. I'm going to go on

my motor bicycle.

All right, then, go!

Go on! Go!

I will go.

Mummy's gone!

What are you crying for?

It's the first time he's ever done anything.

But now, after all... All right.

I'll be sorry when I've gone.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Guys, it's all your fault.

Me? What did I do?

You should have kept that kippy away from him.

Keeping Wendy away from a man is like trying to keep a tiger away from red

You could say that again, but I don't know about you. I'm going back to bed.

Oh,

lover boy's back.

Ten minutes ago, you were going to go on your motorbike and disappear into the

night. What happened?

I couldn't start the bike.

Well, if you couldn't start your motorbike, you wouldn't stand a chance

Wendy. I knew all along you'd never go now.

Stop being foolish and get up to bed. I am not being foolish.

Arthur, is that you?

Yes, love.

He's home.

I don't... Go on.

It's only because he lost his temper. I did not lose my temper, Mother -in -law.

I meant every word I said. I merely came back to get my coat.

But, Arthur, Arthur... Don't you get too close to me.

Like a red Indian score.

Well, you don't have to be afraid. You've already been scalped.

Blimey, don't start crying again.

God, I don't know where you get all the water from.

Mate,

you always fuss about nothing. I'll tell you, I'll be back.

I've had this all night long, you know, mate.

It has to happen when we're on an early shift, you know. Oh, I'm sorry to hear

about it, love. I always said it wasn't good enough for you.

I should divorce him for the duration.

Desertion? Lobby's only been gone six hours.

You have to wait three years.

Oh, she can't wait that long.

She's got to get remarried while she's still got her look.

Well, you'd better nip out this afternoon and have it done.

You know, I can't really believe he's gone.

I cooked his breakfast, you know.

Terrible. Yeah, it is.

I tell you what, if it'll help, I'll eat his sausage.

Is that what you can drink about?

No, I'll have his egg as well.

I know where he is. Just think of him lying in the arms of that other woman.

Well, we don't know yet where he spent the night, love.

Here, he may have gone to a nice hotel.

Yeah, Mum's right. Yeah, that's right.

And if I know him, he's having a nice, quiet rest.

No good. I can't eat any more breakfast.

Blimey, I'm not surprised there's nothing left.

You've had three sausages and two eggs already.

Go on. Yeah, and that for her is only a tiny meal.

Oh, Stan, leave her alone. You know, eating takes the mind off me.

Heads up.

What do I tell you? What do I tell you?

Excuse me.

So you've come back, have you?

I'm not forgiving you. You're not having anything to do with me.

And if you want your breakfast, you're too late, Jack's at it.

I came to collect my things.

You're a bit rumpled, mate. You look as if you've been sleeping in your clothes.

Most probably didn't have time to take them all.

I don't find that very funny.

If you'll excuse me.

What's that?

Nothing. Just a twinge in my back. I tell you, mate, you're too old for her.

needs somebody years younger than you.

I can well do without your offensive remarks, thank you very much.

Excuse me, Jack.

Do you mind telling me when the buses leave your depot for Brainsbury?

Well, we've got one leaving... I was asking Jack.

Well, there's every hour on the hour. Why?

I shall be going to stay with my sister whilst I consider my position.

I think I can just about make the ten o 'clock.

Meanwhile, I should go and pack. Where is my clean laundry?

Up there.

And don't leave your dirty laundry behind.

Since Olive does most of the washing, it's rather difficult to tell the

difference.

Then I'll do your dirty laundry then.

Blimey, that will be the end of love's sweet dream.

You got time for a cup of tea before we do out, mate? Yeah, 25 to 10, mate.

Here, Arthur's not really getting that brainspeed bus, is he?

No, he's all mouth.

God blimey, he is. Look.

And he just made it.

God blimey, poor old Olive. Hey, look, he's got company.

Oh, Stan.

Oh, Stan, thank goodness I found you. Has Arthur's bus gone yet? No, not yet,

no. Oh, good.

Because Olive's decided to give him another chance.

Oh, blimey. Poor devil, what's he done to deserve that?

All right, I was only kidding. Here, Olive, now, if you want to catch him,

better look slippy. His bus is due out.

Oh, quick.

I must stop him. He might be leaving me forever.

Oh, don't worry, darling. If he's going on one of our buses, he won't get far.

Now, Olive, please don't look.

I'll keep... No, Olive, come back here a minute.

quite right, love.

He'll come crawling back, and your brother will see you want for nothing in

meantime. That's right. Now, wait a minute. Oh, of course, you're very lucky

have a brother like him.

He'll keep you in everything you want, even if he has to do a bit of overtime.

Of course, he may have to make a few sacrifices, but don't worry, love. Stan

will keep you till you get married again.

Blimey, that's a sentence for life.

Arthur, get off this bus at once.

Now, stop. Look, you've got a wife to look after, you know that.

Now, look, stop being foolish. Get off. Arthur, Arthur, look at me.

No. Don't make it worse.

Stop damaging this bus now. What's going on?

Oh, it's the butlers.

What is it this time?

It's my son -in -law.

He's on that bus and it's leaving.

Mrs. Butler, all our buses leave sooner or later.

Look, you don't understand, Blake.

Husband's leaving now. Look, do us a favour. Get him off the bus.

Butler, the only persons I can order off a bus is anyone who's committing a

nuisance. And the only persons committing a nuisance round here is yous

who's not on it.

Oh, he's a clippy now. What's going on here?

That's her.

That's her that did it. Inspector,

sack that woman for immoral behaviour.

Mrs Butler, if I started sacking the staff for immoral behaviour, there'd be

nobody left in the depot.

On a bus.

That's what you said.

I don't deny it. He spent the night with you.

What?

What you been saying about me? Come on, out with it.

I never said any such thing.

Right now, Arthur, let's get this straight.

Where did you sleep last night?

With her.

You must be joking.

Me with him?

Just because he bought me a few gins, you...

him, shriveled up little weed.

Don't you talk like that about my husband.

Husband, you're welcome.

Quiet, quiet now.

Quiet.

This bus is already a minute late as it is.

I'm not having that great fat lump telling lies about me.

That great fat lump, that was to be my wife.

And this happens to be a bus depot, not a marriage advice bureau. Now get this

bus out.

Thanks to you, I've seen you caught in the cold, spending all night in a

sidecar.

Is that what you spent all night, in a sidecar?

Well, I didn't, I didn't intend to. Well,

you'd better go up to bed, mate.

Here is your case.

Oh, blimey, that weighs a ton.

Hi. Olive, carry the case.

Oh, why didn't you explain to us, Arthur?

Yes, you must have had a terrible night in the sidecar.

On the contrary.

Not a far pleasanter night than I've had for a long time.

Shall we go?

Got all that sorted out there, mate?

Poor old Arthur.

His first night out in nine years of married life and the only way he can

his back is in his sidecar.

Oh my goodness!