Original subtitles

Yeah, do you think I'll make a good clippy? Did I do everything right? Yeah.

Now, you've got to fill in your way, Bill, and pack up your thing.

How'd it go?

Oh, blimey, don't you start.

Howdy, Miles.

Early shift and a trainee clippy.

Cool. Look at her.

I don't know where to get them from, you know.

It's getting worse.

She must weigh at least 20 stone.

She's writing the life out of Mick McManus.

I tell you what, I knew we had some extra weight on. Every time we turned a

corner, we swayed from side to side.

Yeah, so did she.

I'm black and blue all over.

Cheerio, dearest. Thanks for the ride.

Bye -bye, cheeky.

I think you've clicked.

What a lumber.

We've got another one after lunch. I dread to think what she'll look like.

You want a fag? Yeah, I've got one.

How's your mummy, all right?

Oh, she's fine, thanks, Uncle Cyril.

Don't call me Uncle Cyril in the depot.

How did you get on your first day out, all right?

Oh, very nice, thanks. I'm going out on my first bus this afternoon, so the

conductor can show me what to do. First bus, eh? Yeah.

What route is it?

Number 11 to the cemetery gate, thanks, with Stan Butler and Jack Harper.

Butler and Harper?

Them two lecherous layabouts.

You're not going out with them. I'll go and have a word with the general manager

about this. No, no, Uncle.

Look, it would be nice for you to fix me the job, but I don't want the whole

depot to know I'm the inspector's niece.

They'd have it in for me.

Yes, but them two are depraved. I mean, they're the worst ones in the whole

depot. Here, look at here, they are over there. Look at them, look.

Look at a scruffy -looking pair of... There's a happy start, though. What?

Here. He has got a gorgeous looking bird with him. Yeah.

She's lovely.

Nah, she's probably quite ugly.

It's staying next to him that makes her look good.

Come on, mate.

She's a cracker.

You're right, she's a right dolly bird, isn't she?

Here, come on, let's get up the canteen. Save her a seat, eh?

Yeah.

Here, here, wait a minute. I want to have a word with you two.

When you go out after lunch...

I'm very sorry to have to tell you that this poor unfortunate girl here has got

to go with you.

Take no notice of him, darling. I'm very trustworthy. Yeah, you don't want to

worry about Stan.

He's been my driver for ten years, never tried to kiss me once.

I'll show you the ropes, doll.

How did you get on with that clipping this morning? Oh, dead lost.

Well, come in the office and make out a report about it, will you?

Right now, eh? Go on, Jack, you heard what he said. Go on.

Yeah, well, shall I be a minute, doll?

Oh, dear.

I'll have to keep in with your mate if he makes out the report.

No, you're wrong there, darling. No, you always have to keep them with the

driver, because the driver works with a clippy, see?

Yeah. Well, I'll do my best. Yeah.

But you'll have to tell me when you want me to start you off and stop you.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you. Yeah.

Oh, um, I've just got to fill up this form. Yeah.

Yeah, right now.

Here, uh, the other place you work there, you know, uh, do you have any

I mean, anybody regular?

No, I didn't meet any nice blokes where I worked. That's why I changed... Yeah.

Why's that, then?

Well, I worked in a factory. Yeah.

Scruffy lot.

Were they?

All the blokes had dirty fingernails. Did they?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I can't stand blokes with dirty fingernails. No, neither can I, no, no.

You got a fag?

Er, fag. Er, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, where do I put my number down?

Down there.

I must be dumb.

Where? Point it out to me. Well, you see, you count down the four lines.

From the top, that's it.

There.

Oh, top, yeah.

So you didn't have a fella then?

No, I couldn't stand him.

Lazy lot.

Yeah. I always used to come to work without shaving.

I can't stand it.

No, don't blame you. No, you should have seen him. They had filthy clothes.

Did they? All crumpled and messy.

Yeah. And I don't think any of them ever cleaned their shoes.

Do you know, I can't fancy a fella if he's not smart.

No, no.

Arlene, sorry to keep you waiting. Do you miss me? No.

Well, see you boys later.

I'm going to grab some lunch at the canteen.

Oh, I think she's been put on my bus. What a lucky girl.

You don't know how to kid yourself, mate.

I'll tell you something, boy, I'm getting in there.

Oh, don't, don't, don't, mate.

Didn't you see the lingering look in her eye when she passed me? You can see

what she wants. Yeah, a sausage and chips.

All right, all right. We'll see who she goes for after lunch. We'll see then.

All right, all right. Coming for a bite?

What? Lunch? No.

No, I don't think I will, mate. No, no. I think I'll stretch me there to have a

bit of a walk. Yeah, well, don't be late, will you? We're due out in half

I'm running late for a stroll, mate.

Yeah. We'll see you later. Yeah.

Hello, dear. What are you doing, though? I thought you'd have half and half for

lunch in the can, see?

I'll get you something, love.

I ain't got time, love. I just nipped over a quick clean -up thing.

What do you mean, clean -up? Yeah, quick washing the shave, you know.

Is he not potty or something, shaving at lunchtime? Oh, I think it's a good

sign. He's probably after promotion.

He's after something.

Now, what does that mean?

Look, when a bloke comes home to shave, especially, he's after some bird. I know

the signs.

Oh, my stand's not like that. Oh, don't talk wet. Look, last time he did it, it

was midnight, wasn't it? He dashed in, shaved, dashed out again. We didn't see

him till breakfast time.

What was left of him.

Look, it is a well -known fact a bloke always shaves before... Well, you know.

You don't.

Maddie, to you, I could grow a beard.

That's not very nice.

Oh, blimey, I can't shave up in a bathroom. There's things everywhere.

What's all that in the bath?

Well, I'm soaking some sheets.

Well, what's that all in the sink, then?

Those are my smalls. I thought they were the sheets.

I think I've got big smalls. You've got big everything.

Now, Arthur, that is not nice, the way you talk to my Olive.

I wonder you ever married her. Because you told me.

Well, you know what you told me.

We can all make mistakes.

Oh, right you are.

Olly, what's all this stuff in the sink here?

That's Arthur's pudding. I'm cooling it.

Well, look, clear it up. I want you to have a shave.

Look, where's my morning paper?

Oh, in the bathroom. Thank you, Olly. Well, Olly, they had a nice soap before

did the sheets.

I hope you've changed the water first.

Hey. Well, look, Stan, if you want me to clean up here, you'll have to move out.

Oh, all right, Mum. Look at the state of my trousers, Mum. Where?

Doesn't matter, love. They're all right for working. They're not. They're

covered in... I can't get this stuff.

Look, you've got to scrape it off to get it off.

Well... And look at my fingernails.

Oh, never mind. I'll get your nails done. No, don't do it.

This will get the worst out.

And that's Arthur's fork.

Oh, is it?

Oh, never mind. I'll get him another one. Hey, Mum.

Well, hurry up. Get out of it, will you? Mum. What? Here. Rub your arm over that

jacket for me, will you? All right, all right. Yes, I'll give it a little

freshen up.

I haven't done this for a long time, have I?

Oh, that looks nice.

Yes, I think you'll enjoy it, love.

Very nice.

Something that you'll enjoy, you always do.

Oh, don't eat that fork with that fork.

Why not?

Well, Stan's just done his nails with it.

Oh, you didn't use that knife, did you?

Why, what's he done with that?

Oh, he scraped the muck off his trousers with it.

He uses my fork to clean his nails, the knife to clean his trousers. I dread to

think what he done with a spoon.

Now, where's my serviette? I'll get it.

Mum? What? How's your jacket coming? Oh, lovely, love, lovely.

Good? Yes.

That is typical of you, isn't it? What?

Nicely pressed jacket, horrible baggy trousers.

Well, it's... It's right there, Mum.

Do us a favour, will you?

Here, press me trousers for me.

Well, don't stand there in front of your sister.

Oh, don't be daft. We used to bath together when we were kids, didn't we?

in those days.

Well, you didn't have to, did you?

How's your trousers coming? Lovely, dear, lovely.

Can't you wait till I've finished mine? That's that revolting smell there.

Well, they haven't been cleaned for a long time.

Fragrant odour of hot busman's trousers.

Makes cabbage water smell like odour cologne.

When did you last have them cleaned?

I haven't had them cleaned. You what?

There's no point, is there? I get a new pair every two years.

make you sit in that little cab all on your own, mate?

I used to think it was the diesel fumes.

You're not exactly perfect, are you?

No, he has got his habits.

Mum?

What?

Have I got a plain shirt?

No, love, I don't do them till this afternoon. There's only a white one. How

I have that?

What? Drive a bus in a stiff white shirt?

You only wear that for funerals and weddings, love.

Here. What are you up to?

It is obvious.

He's tarting himself up for some bird.

Dabby daft.

That's what you always think, you.

Oh, blimey.

Who do you think you're kidding? You've got that glazed look in your eyes, mate.

Your face is all flushed. It's the aftershave that makes you flush.

Here you are, love. Crouches ready? Yeah, lovely.

Oh, beauty, man.

Lovely. Do you know what? I reckon you're the best little trouser presser

street. That's what your dad used to tell me.

Oh, blimey! Blimey!

Hello, Sally.

Oh, hello.

Do you, uh, do you notice anything?

Eh?

Well, uh, anything different?

Oh, yeah.

They've given this bus a bit of a wash.

No, I didn't mean that. I mean, anything different about me?

No. Why?

Well, blimey, look, I've... Well, I mean, with your uniform on, all you buss

were not the same, really.

Were we?

Well, all except him.

He looks different.

Darling, sorry to keep you waiting. I just went home to smarten up a bit.

Smarten up a bit? Oh, blimey, mate, really.

Oh, doesn't he look smashing?

Does he?

Cool. I'd go for that shirt.

Do you know, flowers seem right on you. Don't you think so?

Yeah, should do. He looks half dead.

No, he looks lovely.

Yeah, it's not bad, is it?

I just bought it. It's the latest style. It's cut to fit the body.

What body?

The material super.

I go potty about flowers.

That is a very pleasant sensation.

This is better material than this.

Yeah, I can see that without touching.

Can you? No, what I mean is I think white and the black tie suits are bloke,

don't you? You know. You look very nice too, Sally.

I like your scent.

sexy feast you.

It's my aftershave.

Smells more like your sister's aftershave.

Come on, I'm getting that bus and getting out. Come on, you do that.

Shelley, I'd like the word with you, if I may.

I'm not satisfied about them two. I think they're going to take them. I'm

to get you switched on. No, no, Uncle.

Look, I don't want anyone to know you're looking after me.

Right. You're quite harmless.

Homeless? They'll be headless if they start anything, I tell you.

Listen, the first sign of any liberty out of them two, they're going to get

chop, I tell you.

Oh, well.

You'd better get on the bus, I suppose.

Yeah, OK, Uncle.

God bless you.

Oh,

you smartened yourself up, that, though. Yeah, yeah.

Done up like a dog's dinner.

You smell like one, don't you?

What's that you've got on you?

That happens to be my aftershave.

Your aftershave? Yeah.

You smell like one of them houses in the back streets of Algiers.

Not that I've ever been in one, mind you.

I thought your mother lived there.

No way. No, me mother lives in 24 Lapurnum.

Tweet.

As a matter of fact, Blake, if you want to know the truth, I think that new

clip, he fancies me, you know, see?

And I fancy her, I'm telling you, that boy.

There'd be no stopping by request, I'm telling you that. And by the time I'm

finished with her, she'd be too weak to ring the bell.

She happens to be a very respectable girl, that girl, you know. Oh, no,

the best.

Jack, come here a minute. I want you a minute, mate.

Oh, that's it.

OK, I'll take a word with you.

I have reason to suspect that your driver is thinking of taking a

liberty with that girl.

Now, I'm relying on you, and I can talk to you properly.

You keep him at arm's length for me, will you? Oh, don't you worry about Sam,

mate. He won't stand a chance.

Good, mate. I tell you what, before the end of the day, I'm going to pick her

off myself.

What do you think I've got all this gear on for?

Here, look, half an hour in that bus with me, she'll know every trick in the

book, and I don't mean a gold guard's manual.

I'll go, mate.

I'll go, mate.

There you go.

Uh, Stan, uh, hang on a minute. I just want to get some fags.

Come here!

Yes.

I want to get some fags. Oh, yeah, all right. Go on, then, yeah.

Well, I mean, where the hell's he got to?

What a cunning basket.

flowers. I thought you'd like them.

It's your first trip on our bus.

Oh, thanks. How nice of you.

Here, will Jack be all right?

Yeah, we'll pick him up on the way back to the depot.

Oh, you are good to him. Yeah.

Uh, Sally, I was wondering, uh, what are you doing tonight?

Nothing. Why?

Well, I was wondering if, uh, you'd like to come round my house for a drink

tonight, you know?

It's about eight o 'clock.

Yeah, okay.

Lovely. Yeah.

We'll get a chance to get my best back.

I'm sorry, mate. We've had our ten -minute break.

Mind you, I didn't waste it.

I made a date with Sally tonight.

Yeah, she's coming round my house for a drink tonight about eight o 'clock.

Round your house?

What's it going to do?

Introduce it to the family?

No, they're going to the pictures.

Oh, I'll introduce it to something, all right. But it won't be the family.

picture. Oh, wait a minute, love. I've only just got to put my scarf on.

Has she gone yet? You know.

What are you all spruced up for?

Uh, uh, none of it. Why?

That's a new shirt, isn't it? It's like the one that Jack had on the other day.

Yeah, well, so what?

Well, you said it looked horrible on him. Yeah, well, I changed my mind,

I? You were right first time.

Oh, come on. You're going to be late.

Why have you changed, love?

Oh, are you coming? been with it?

No, Mum, no. As a matter of fact, I want to see telly, that thing called

manhunt, you know.

Oh, yes. You always change your shirt to watch the telly, do you? No.

Come on, give it a time.

Well, Olive hasn't finished her face yet. I want to make sure I look nice

I go to the pictures.

You don't stand a chance, love. It's only on for a week.

It's not true, is it, Arthur?

No. No, it's on for a fortnight.

On? You said you was going a half hour ago.

Just...

that for?

Well, you know what sitting in a hot cinema does to me. Only too well.

Here, and you try and remember where you put that in your bag.

Last time we were in the cinema, you shoved a lipstick up your nose.

It took me ages to get it out.

Look, you've got about five minutes.

You'll miss that Swedish picture.

You seem in a great hurry to see us all, mate. Oh, Olive, I'll have to have my

glasses because I want to read the subtitles. You don't want them.

Yes, I do. Don't you remember when we went to see that film?

Swedish Fanny Hill.

Well, there was this couple in bed. I looked down to read what they were going

to do. And when I looked up, they'd done it.

Here's your glasses.

All right.

Don't hurry home. Oh, blimey, where's my gloves? Oh, my God.

I've got my gloves. I put them down somewhere.

Hurry up. Where can I put them?

Can I come in, Mrs B? Yes, love, come in. I've lost my gloves.

What do you want?

Look, it's taken me ages to get rid of them. That bird will be here in a

Oh, I just came to wish you luck.

Come on, Bob.

Oh, don't say that, Mum.

Stan said he was going to the pictures. You're not going to the regal, are you?

Yes, what's wrong with that?

Nothing, Mum. Oh, you don't want to go there, you know? That's a terrible

picture. Eh?

Oh, Olive, Arthur.

What is it now?

Well, he says it's a terrible film.

It's not. It's not. It's a marvellous film.

So why aren't you coming?

Yeah, it's a good idea, Sam. Why don't you go?

I said to Marge, sorry, she says it's a lovely film. Well, that's good enough

for me. Yeah, well, you won't get in, you know. They're queuing a mile long.

What? Queue?

Oh, well, that settles it. I do not queue. Not for the circle. Not for the

circle. Don't have to keep the circle.

Shocking about that seven and six each. So what?

I'll treat you.

Seven and six?

Seven and six?

There's the doorbell. I wonder who that could be. Oh, Stan, was you expecting

someone? No.

Well, I wonder who that could be, because we're not expecting anybody.

well, perhaps it's a good thing I stopped you going out then, isn't it?

handsome.

I'd like to introduce you to Sally, our new trainee clippy.

And this is the family.

Hello, Sally girl. How are you? How do you do? Oh, hello, Jack. How nice.

Yeah, charming.

Yeah. Well, I thought I'd take something down to the pub for a drink. Come, Sal.

Oh, righto. Hey, hey, hey.

What? I thought you wanted to watch Man Hunt on the telly. Yeah, well, you know,

I thought... Oh, Man Hunt. Yes, I like that.

I'll watch it with you. No. Oh, lovely, lovely. We can watch it all together.

There's not enough room for all of us.

Yeah, well, I shall be staying, Sal. Come and sit by me, dear. Oh, turn up

Oh, yeah, you sit there. And lastly, I'll put my chair up next to you, Sal,

Yeah, that's it.

Get yourself a wine in. Oh, thank you, Stan.

Excuse me.

There we are.

Well, I'll be off then, Stan.

Wasn't it nice of Jack to tell us about the film, Stan?

Yeah.

Here it is, started.

Hello, Chris.

Hi,

Stan. How did you make out last night, then? Enjoyed the play?

Right, mate, you turned out to be, didn't you? Oh, come off it. You must at

least have walked her home. Yeah, I walked her home, all right. And so did

rest of the family.

Well, they hadn't been to the picture, so they fancied stretching their legs.

Yeah, she walked in front with Mum and I walked behind with Olive.

Mate, I'll never forgive you for this, boy, I'm telling you. Yeah, cheeky. I've

got news for you two.

Blimey, don't tell us you're back on our bus.

What do you think?

You know that Sally Ferguson you had on the bus yesterday?

Yeah. Well, she's the inspector's niece.

What?

Which one?

That's her Uncle Cyril.

Blimey, Blake, isn't it?

Oughtn't to think I nearly... Yeah, well, of course, I... I knew that all

that he was her uncle, you know.

I just came round last night to warn you, like... You're a great lover, but

you're a lousy liar.

Come on, come on, get that bus out, come on.

Don't tell me you're dreaming about women all day. No, you heard what Uncle

Cyril said, didn't you?

Uncle Cyril. Oh, Uncle Cyril. Yeah, we're getting a buzz out.

I hate you, Steve.

I hate you.