Original subtitles

Now ladies and gentlemen, we'll have a little bit of applause at the beginning

of the show. That's to show you're here, and we're starting the button engine

now, let's just see if it works.

And when I wave to you after the thing starts, don't wave back, start clapping.

And I'll tell you when it's...

Where is that leaf?

You know, Mum, I don't think Stan's going to like it when he finds out I'm

working on the buses.

Well, if your husband doesn't mind you being a clipper, I don't see why your

brother should.

Yeah, but you know what Stan's like about things like... Hello, love.

Hello, love.

How you going, love?

All right. That's your idea, girl. Oh, thanks very much.

Oh, charming.

Why don't you buy a paper for a change?

Well, it's a bit of a waste of time, isn't it? Clive puts it on me, it might

just well take turns.

Turns? Last time you bought one, they were a penny. No, no, come on, come on,

Stan. Come and sit down and have your tea.

Well,

it's got some news.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, come on, where is it then?

She's getting a job.

I bet that's made the headlines.

Have a look, mate.

Let's see. That's 47 you've had this year, isn't it?

Oh, Stan, don't be rude to your sister.

She can't help it.

It's the labour exchange.

Yeah. They haven't invented one to suit her yet.

Yeah, well, I must say, I don't approve of my wife working, really. So they will

help with the little luxuries, won't it? Oh, she's going to buy you a fag, then.

Right, come on, then. Give us it. What's the news? Well, it was Mum's idea.

Well, I had a brainwave.

Oh, yeah?

She's working on the buses.

Something gone down the wrong way, love.

That bit of news did.

Oh, Olive on the... buses? Yes.

It's going to be nice for her working at the same depot as you.

Me? Why me?

Why not? You're her brother.

Well, you're her husband.

Why don't you get her a job on the railways?

Let her work in the booking office, will you?

Selling railway tickets is highly skilled work. What on earth would she

She could clean your little window.

Or do you like it dirty so the people can't see what you're up to?

Those windows are dark because they're armour -plated to stop the bullets.

Bullets? Who from?

Bandit or passengers?

Oh, come on.

No, she wouldn't suit you, love, I'm telling you that.

Yeah, well, as I say, I don't approve of my wife working, really.

Oh, but the money will come in useful, Arthur.

Working at the Clippy, I'll earn £11 .10 a week.

£14 .13 and five with late shift and overtime.

Why don't you get her on nights?

That's a good idea. That'll bring it up to 17 ,000. Oh, shut up.

I still don't think it suits you, love.

And you're very choosy, love. Besides, where do you see the application form?

That'll soon put you off. Oh, she's filled in all the form.

Haven't you, love? Show it to Sam.

Yeah, all except the questions on the back, the medical section.

Yeah. Question number one.

What's it say? I can't read the small print.

Have you got good eyesight?

I'll put yes.

What are you talking about? Blimey, she couldn't read the question.

Oh, well, she could if she had her proper glasses and a little more light.

Now then, question two.

Have you had any of the following childhood diseases?

Tick and put date against the ones you have had.

God, your pen will run out of ink.

Mumps. Now, let me see.

What was those dates?

Dates? You don't have mumps twice.

Olive did.

Oh, well, I put two ticks, yes.

Now, measles, open cough, German measles.

Oh, there are a lot, aren't there?

Why don't you make it a fermentation?

I still don't say that she's not fit for the job.

Oh. Do you suffer from dizzy spells, nausea and fainting?

Blimey, she's had a jackpot there.

I'll put no.

What do you mean no? What about last week?

Oh, well, that was because of the weather. It was awful.

Now, let's see. Four.

Do you suffer from vertigo? No, she never has that. What is it?

Vertigo is being frightened of heights and high places.

Oh, I am. Even going up the stairs.

to do on the top deck of a bus, then? Well, it's all right when she closes her

eyes. Oh, that's marvelous, isn't it? Wandering about on the top deck of a bus

with your eyes shut.

You're supposed to be collecting fares, not playing blind man's buff with the

passengers. This is ridiculous.

You've got to answer them properly.

Now, look here, I've filled in all the forms. Now, Sam, all you've got to do is

just sign it there, see?

Please sign.

Look here, you've worked on the buses for so long, you can recommend Olive.

You can say that she's suitable for, uh...

For... Let's see what she is suitable for. Oh, she's suitable... A suitable

person to serve as a conductress. There you are. Well, I don't think she is.

Besides, if the fellas knew I put her up, they'd kill me.

Go on.

Go on. Do as you're told, love.

The manager's the only one who'll know.

All right, then. I'll sign it.

But I'll put the next for no publicity.

There, now. I've made it fit.

Arthur, don't you think Olive looks nice in her uniform?

Yeah, dazzling.

Hey, I dashed home early.

I might be the last bit of football in half hour. Stan, Stan, look at Olive's

suit. I've altered it. You know, show it off. Show it off.

Yeah, looks like one of them Paris models.

Not exactly style by Christian Dior, was he?

Looks more like it's been bashed out by Leyland Motors.

Here, how's the training going, love?

Olive starts on her own tomorrow. We want you to give her a bit of last

advice.

Here, what do I do first? Do I tear up the tickets or take their money?

Go on, show her. Well, I can't without rolling tickets.

Here,

what are you doing?

Now, Oliver left. You imagine she got the tickets.

Oh, wait a minute. I've got an idea.

You are. That'll do, dear. Just take it.

I'll give her that. I bought that.

What do you mean, bought it? It's got British Railways stamped on every seat.

I supplied it, didn't I? No wonder the British Railways are going broke.

Now, there we are, there we are. Now, we've got to imagine, we've got to

that these are the butt seats.

Come on, Sam.

Why can't I do it after the match is over? Oh, come on.

Oh, all right then, all right. There we are.

What are we doing?

Oh, well, you have to imagine it's a very long journey.

Bus, please!

Bus, please!

Come on, Stan.

Ask him for your ticket.

A six -minute one from the high street to Warwick Road. Yes, sir.

Wrong. Eh?

Oh, I thought you'd done that very nicely.

But there isn't a bus that goes from the high street to Warwick Road.

Stan, you are awful. You tell your teeth and you laugh.

Just like when we were children.

Now, I'll do it properly this time. Now, come on, hurry up, hurry up, will you?

Give me a tenpenny one to the cemetery gates, and I've only got a quid.

Tenpence from a pound, that'll be... 19, and tuppence change,

and there's your ticket.

Ah, you can't say she didn't do that well. Very good. The only difference was

only gave her a ten -bob note.

Oh, Sam.

I don't call that very nice. I'm sure no one will be as selfish as I am.

You're joking, Mum. At least I gave her money.

One dark and dark night, somebody's going to work her a soap voucher.

Now, I'll be fair with you, love. I'll tell you what I'll do. Take your money

back. Listen, I'm going to ask you a question now. Look, if a drunk got on

bus, drunk got on the bus, see, wanted to cause a fight, what would you do?

on. Well, the inspector said... Don't worry about what he said.

I'm the driver and I know.

Right, if he wants to start a fight, he'll rap smartly on the window of the

Of course, so he can come and help you.

No, so he can lock himself in.

Anne, you would go and help your clip here. No, it's far better for him to

there than if she's in real trouble, it can drive her straight to the hospital.

Well, I'm fed up with this game anyway.

Hey, Arthur.

Hey. Come here and play an awkward passenger.

How do I do that? Just be yourself.

No, I don't think that's very nice, really, I don't say. Here, come on,

come and help your wife.

Go on, go on. All right, all right. Come on, I'll get the set warmed up.

Passes, passes.

I'll have a sixpenny and here's a pound note.

Now, I'd better be sure this is a pound.

Especially if it's Arthur's.

Oh, dear, I'll have to pay you all in sixpences.

You can't do that.

Why?

Well, blimey, she's a clipper, you're not a fruit machine.

No, save your float. Always save your float. Look, I'm going to report you for

inefficiency if you don't hurry up. Oh, no, don't stand for that from one of the

passengers. Order him off the bus.

What for?

For smoking on the lower deck.

It's a whistle. What a fantastic finish.

5 -1 to the South Americans and four goals scored in the last five minutes. A

really wonderful game. I don't know when I've enjoyed a game so much.

You've missed a football match now.

There's nothing on until the midnight movie.

Oh, good.

Well, we've got three hours to teach Ollie. Come and sit down.

Your sister's starting today, then, Stan. Yeah, she's on a number nine. Oh,

yeah? Not for me, thank God.

Oh, she's all right, but you know what it is, working with a family. Oh, but

I've switched your conductor.

You're on the 29 again.

Oh, no.

What for?

Yes, well, your mother had a word with me.

She told me you'd like to have your sister on the bus with you.

What?

Well, we like to keep everyone happy here, you know.

Suit you?

Oh, yeah.

Stan, you was going to ask him, weren't you?

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, well, there's the bus. Number 11 to the cemetery gates.

You're out in three minutes. All right.

Hop on, Olive.

Check your way, Bill.

Now, look, Olive, I'm going to... I'm going to buy your first ticket.

I'll have a temporary one.

She just can't give you a ticket. Of course she can. I'm going with you. I

wouldn't miss Olive's first trip.

Templar.

Look, Mum, I know it's Olive's first day as a clipper, but you can't sit on the

bus all day with an older aunt in case she cries.

Oh, well, I've only gone as far as the shops.

Oh, Stan, I'll be Olive's first passenger.

Do you think I ought to wish?

You know, Stan, it's a thing a mother never forgets. Could be something the

company never forgets at all.

How do I look, Mum?

Oh, smashing love.

You know, you two ought to have your photos took, brother and sister in

again. What do you mean, again? When did we have it taken before?

When you was a wolf cub and you was a brownie.

Oh, Mum, I'm not a brownie anymore. This is quite different.

Oh, no, it's not, love. Here comes Brown Owl.

Would you act directly, Butler?

Why do you leave on time?

Yes, sir.

Oh, sir.

You're giving him... the Boy Scouts salute.

No, love, no, that's the busman salute.

It's the same, two fingers, you know, but we don't bring it right up to the

forehead, we stop halfway in between, like this.

But, no.

I said, two minutes due out.

Come on, love, we'd better go. Oh, we can't, I've got to do my hair.

Oh, don't forget your curlers.

You haven't got time to put curlers in. Oh, she's not putting them in, she's

taking them out.

She was very late this morning.

It was Arthur's fault. Yeah, he never bought her early morning tea.

Well, looking like that, I'm not surprised.

Only take a second. I'll go up to the ladies and take them out. Oh, well, if

you're going there, dear, you might as well... Yes, you're next, Mum.

Well, all right. I'm going to get in the cab, Mum. Oh, Stan.

I'm so glad she's going to be with you. You can keep an eye on her when you're

driving.

What was that you said?

I said you can keep an eye on her when you're driving.

Mum, I drive that way.

And when I drive that way... The company might be able to look that way.

It keeps down the insurance, you see.

So if you want me to keep an eye on all of you, you want to get it to run in

front of the bus.

You know what I mean.

Wow. I was as quick as I could, Stan.

Have you got everything?

Yeah. Oh, no, me ticket machine.

Where'd you leave it?

Hanging on the door of the loo. Oh, really?

I've got an idea. It's going to be a nightmare journey.

Mum, get in the bus, will you? All right, love. For God's sake, let's have

somebody in their position.

I've got it.

You all right now?

Yeah. Okay, get in then.

All right.

What's the matter?

You did that on purpose.

I didn't do it. Now, please get in, will you? I've got to get going. Okay.

All right.

Okay, get in. Okay.

doors are shut.

Can't you do something about that terrible smell?

This bus goes on diesel or not only cologne.

You've got to get used to it.

Look, she's got a sensitive stomach.

You know what she's like when we have sardines.

But if she's got her way up on the bus, then she won't have put a filter on her

intake. Come on.

What's up now? Come on, what's up?

Olive's not feeling very well. She's got travel sickness.

Oh, God, that's all I need. Car sick, clip me.

God, she's handy for me. I'll get off here.

Oh, dear.

Something wrong, miss?

Oh, she's a bit tired. She's got a bit of a headache.

Not surprising.

These girls are expected to work.

Perhaps a glass of water would help, eh? It would, but we haven't got one handy.

There's a cafe just down the road. I'm sure they'd let me have one.

I'll go and see.

Look, Mum.

I thought you told me she got over being car sick.

Well, she has almost.

It's only when she travels at the back. She's quite all right when she's sitting

in the front.

Well, why don't you tell me she could come and sit up on my knee?

Oh, no, no, no.

Now, do be sensible, Stan. You're right. I could be sensible.

I could drive the bus in reverse.

Look, this is absolutely ridiculous, Mum. She should never have started to be

clippy if she suffered from motion sickness. Well, she can't help it. It's

common.

What about them there astronauts that went to the moon?

They suffer from motion sickness?

Blimey, they went 250 ,000 miles to the moon.

Nine times round it and 250 ,000 miles back again.

Blimey, she's only come half a mile from the depot.

I know, but she didn't have their training.

Oi, what's the hold up?

Well, we're running a bit early, mate. We're regulating the time a bit, you

know.

I'm surprised you ain't stopped for a cup of tea.

Now, this is absolutely ridiculous.

I can't stop here, and yet I can't move off without a conductor.

I'm not supposed to stop till I get to the end of the route. And where's that?

We turn round at the symmetry gates.

Called for the look of her, I might just as well drive straight in.

Sam, you didn't know what I was going to say, though.

There you are, my dear.

Nice cup of tea.

That'll make you feel better, eh?

Oh, thank you.

Wonderful, you know. A small cup of tea puts new life in you, doesn't it?

Pity you didn't bring a pot.

I'll be on my way. Yes, thank you. The gulch, eh? When are we going to... Oh,

no, I've seen the lot now.

Five minutes from the depot and you stop for a tea break.

No wonder the country's ruined.

It's not a proper tea break.

Oh, that comes later, I suppose, round the next corner.

No wonder the fares are going up. It cost me two bob from the garage to Apex

Corner. By the time you get there, I've no doubt the fares will have gone up

again.

have a bit of trouble, and I'll tell you what, mate. Here. Here's your two buck

back. Two buck. Get on the bus behind. Go on. Hop in.

All right, I will.

That's it.

Got rid of him, the stupid nit.

He's not such a nit.

Why? He didn't buy a ticket.

Mum, it's absolutely impossible.

I can't stand here. They think I've deserted them.

I mean, they're sending out a search party.

Look, I'm going to start up the motor. Go on. Party's up. Go on.

Don't talk to me. Come on. Come on, love. You come up. I'll look after you.

till the end of the journey.

Oh, I feel awful. Come on, love.

What are you going to do if some more passengers get on?

I'll manage, that's all right. Go on, go on. All right, all right then, all

right. Careful.

Careful, there we are. Now, sit down there, love. That's right, that's what

is. Put your head back and shut your eyes.

Two one and twos and two halves, please.

Sorry about that.

I'll bring your change along.

Oh, all right.

Oh, don't worry, love. I'll do that for you. Come along.

Now, it's, what do you say?

Two one and twos and two halves.

Oh, I've got a tapney. Oh.

Oh, I've got another tapney. Oh, dear.

That tap must be doing something wrong. Show me what to do, will you, love? Oh.

No. Oh.

No, I know. All right, I'll do it, dear. Don't worry.

Oh, they're all tapneys. Oh, well.

They'll have tapneys, that's all.

There we are.

Oh.

Well, I think I'd better have some change now. I've got some money in the

satchel. And a good girl.

Vector sees it. Oh, well, all right, whatever.

Give me a hand. I've just about had enough of you, mate. Give me a hand.

Mrs. Butler, what's she doing here?

Now, look, Inspector, there's your tickets and there's your money. You'll

it's all correct, but some of it's under the seats.

Well, what's the meaning of this?

You know the regulations, Butler. Your conductor is not allowed to get off the

bus without the tickets and the money. Oh, she hasn't got off the bus,

Inspector. Well, where is she, then?

Lying on the floor.

Eh? Yeah, she travels better that way.

Now, this is all wrong, Mrs Butler. You know, look at those tickets, Annie. All

those hundreds of class tickets.

Oh, I feel so sick.

Oh, dear.

Oh, my good God almighty.

What's wrong with her?

Don't worry, Inspector.

It's all right. She's never done this before, has she? Well, no.

She'll be fine, all right. She'll be fine when she's better, won't you, love?

It's just travelling, you know.

Butler, come over here a minute.

I want to have a word with you.

When you recommended your sister for this job, you signed a form to say she

suitable. Suitable. Yeah, I know, I know. Well, when she signed the form,

was. What do you mean? Well, can I have a word with you a minute?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

See?

Why didn't you say that before? Well, I didn't know.

I can't have a word with a general manager.

What did he say? Has he given Olive the sack?

She's too ill to work.

Will she have a sickness benefit?

You must be potty. Why not? It's their bus what's made us sick. You can't claim

sickness benefit after 12 months.

She's only done one trip, 72 minutes.

She doesn't even qualify for an aspirin.

I've had a little word with the general manager. And he's very, very kindly

offered to...

Give her a lift home in his own motor car. Oh, that is nice. Did you hear

sir? I'll give you a hand at love. No, no.

Don't you strain yourself, my dear.

Nurse.

I keep my fingers.

I keep this here in case any of the passengers are ever taken here. Get in,

love. All right, there you go now.

If you want a lift as well, Mrs. Buckner, I'm sure the general manager

be too happy. Come along, nurse. Very nice of you. Very, very nice.

What did you say to him?

Well, you see, when I found myself in all that trouble, I told him the first

thing that come to me mind.

And what was that?

Well, I told him Olive was in the family way.

Oh, Stan.

Stan, does that mean she can't come back to the job?

Well, not for another nine months.

Oh, really, Stan, you didn't ought to have done that. You know I don't like

lies. Well, don't get on to me.

You want to speak to her husband, Arthur.