Original subtitles

Women send them love letters. Women try to sneak into their hotel rooms. Who are

they? They're Beatles impersonators.

So, the ladies are really hot for you guys, huh?

Oh, sure. Well, you have to expect it when you look this much like Paul

McCartney.

Wow, he's good.

Thirsty? No, I believe it's Friday.

No, are you thirsty?

No, I'm Waldo.

Man, I'm going to the kitchen.

Hey, while you're there, would you give me something to drink?

Do you have bizarre love problems?

Nope. Do you know someone else who does?

Hmm.

If you know someone with bizarre love problems, call this number. We'd love to

hear about it.

Cool.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams, real love bursting out of every scene.

sweetie, the news.

But, Carl, the news is gonna be on for another half hour. So?

So this flimsy little thing won't keep me warm for another half hour.

I'm cold.

Well, put on a robe, sweetie.

Harriet! Carl Winslow, you've got to be the most unromantic man I have ever met.

Well, now, what are you talking about?

Carl, I'm saying I'm...

Don't you want to cuddle?

Well, yes, sweetheart. I want to cuddle. And we'll cuddle like crazy right after

the news.

Oh, Harriet.

Why did the kids agree to go on this talk show?

Two reasons.

They get to be on television, and they get a free T -shirt.

Oh, it's starting.

Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back?

Well, our guests today are real experts in unrequited love.

Our topic today is, I worship the ground you walk on, but you treat me like the

mud between your toes.

This guest is an American original. This is a guy who's loved one girl with all

of his heart ever since kindergarten.

But she wouldn't give him the time of day in a clock shop.

Let's meet Steve Irving.

This girl you love so deeply.

I don't want to be.

meet the two women in Steve's life?

Let's bring them out.

First, say hello to Laura Winslow.

So many handsome guys.

Which one's my camera?

Say hello to Myra Boutros Boutros Monkhouse.

Tiffany, I love your show, but I have got to know something. How do you manage

to stay so trim?

Isn't she trim, everyone?

Myra, that would make a lot of women jealous.

Oh, not me. You see, Steve is a genius, but he has always confused love with

pity for chubby girls who can't hold a man.

Because we're taking a white knuckle ride to loopy land.

Steve, do you always look like this?

No, ma 'am.

I can alter my DNA and change myself into a completely different person.

You don't just mean change your voice and clothes.

like Stefan.

Well, we'll be back and watch Steve's DNA go daffy, an amazing high -tech

makeover.

We're about to meet Steve Urkel's charismatic alter ego, Stefan Urkel.

Steve, tell us about this fascinating device.

Well, this baby here is my transformation chamber.

It electrostatically alters my chromosomes.

Wow.

Now, I will load the chamber with a secret formula I like to call a boss

Listen, Steve, before you do that...

Don't you just want to leave teeth marks all over him?

Laura, it's been quite a while since you've seen Stefan.

What do you have to say?

Hello, baby.

I missed you, too.

you're so handsome and smooth. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's too

atrocious, my ship.

Thanks. But, um, why would you ever want to go back to being that nerdy Steve

Urkel? Well, hey, if my man Steve is happy being who he is, then in my book,

that makes him cool.

I'm sorry.

Don't be mad.

Oh, Stefan!

Stefan!

Do you wear boxers or briefs?

Neither.

Lord, 555 -6722.

Call me, baby.

Okay, four people, two love triangles, but there's more. There's another member

of the Winslow family who's the object of unrequited love. Say hello to Laura's

big brother.

Welcome, Eddie.

Did you know that a certain young lady has a very big crush on you?

Only one?

Would you like to meet your admirer?

Well, in the immortal words of Mr.

Marvin Gaye, let's get it on.

smorgasbord of womanly

to be good friends, but do you act like it? No.

You come on national TV and yell at each other.

You seem to know our guests.

No, I'm their friend.

I'm Waldo Geraldo Faldo. I'm the guy who called your show and suggested that my

friends come on.

Well, Waldo, talk to your friends.

Tell them what's in your heart.

Guys, way deep down in your spleen, you all care about each other.

You see, life is short, and so is Gary Coleman.

It's like Rodney King said, can't we all just sing a song?

Here's the bottom skinny.

Find ways to heal each other instead of hurt.

He's right.

Yeah.

Let's heed the words of the Waldo man.

May they echo in the mind and live in the heart.

I really would like for us to be friends, Laura.

Me too.

Myrtle, you and I could get along just fine if you'd just slow down and stay in

your own state.

Oh, I knew you loved me.

I'm wearing you down, Dublin.

I'm wearing you down.

That's so beautiful.

People meeting people.

That's what this show is all about.

Tomorrow on Tiffany, transvestite tugboat captains and the women who

Good evening.

Carl.

The new Carl.

And you are the lady of my dreams.

Why do birds...

Suddenly appear every time

you are near.

Just like me, they long to be

close to you.

the day that you were born, the angels got together and

decided to create a dream come true.

So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair and golden starlight in your

eyes. So true.

That's why.

All, all the guys in town

follow you

all around.

Just like me, they long to be

close to you.

I love you, Mrs. Winslow.

Excuse me, excuse me, I forgot my sweater.

Tonight at 6, a 3 -year -old boy is traumatized after witnessing a

boy violently beat his cat with a stick on an all -new Judge Judy.

Then at 7, ladies argue over a deal gone bad for a horse named Princess on a

must -see Judge Joe Brown.

Now, it's Family Matters coming up next on UPN 27.