Original subtitles

Uh, Steve, your taxi's here.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Steve is actually going to Russia for an entire week.

Pinch me, Laura. I must be dreaming.

That's what I'm going to do, Steve.

I'm all set to go, Steve.

Steve, are we going to miss that laugh or what?

Better get going, Steve.

Wouldn't want to be late.

Oh, you guys are wonderful.

Do I feel a group hug coming on?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Goodbye, windmills. And remember, even though we'll be separated by...

flesh big daddy oh why thank you for the

party but however did you know i was coming

uh

merle

you just missed your cousin steve yeah he went to russia for a week to visit

parents If you hurry, you might be able to catch him.

Better yet, you can go to Russia with him.

Oh, don't be silly, darling.

I'm not here to visit little old Steve.

You're not?

Oh, heavens no. While I'm in this fine Yankee city to peruse a higher

institution of learning, I want to make sure my mind is as well developed as my

body.

college are you here to see?

Illinois Occidental University.

IOU?

Yeah, that's Eddie's college.

Bingo.

What a delightfully delicious coinkydink.

I wonder, do they allow married couples to pose together in the yearbook?

My murder, what are you majoring in?

Your son.

Speaking of delicious, where is that big bucket of bodacious beef?

Oh, Edward Douglas, Edward Douglas. Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle.

Edward is out right now, which gives you plenty of time to find yourself a nice

hotel.

Yeah, I hear there's a real nice one in St. Louis.

Well, we'd ask you to stay with us, but we know you'd be uncomfortable.

Oh, well, thank you for asking.

love to stay with you.

Man, I just played one of the best games of my entire... Oh,

no.

Well, hello there.

Mr. Myrtle?

Mmm.

Yum.

How is my handsome hunk of harmony?

Oh, I've been better.

Just hearing your voice ignites the briquettes of my love barbecue.

I'm sure Eddie feels the same way, Murphy.

Well, Edward, as you can plainly see, I am no longer the freckle -faced little

schoolgirl. I have grown into a woman.

I wear lingerie now.

I'm talking red. I'm talking frilly. I'm talking peekaboo.

Uh, come on, Myrtle. I guess you'll be staying in my room.

Oh, Edward, my little hush puppy.

Our lawn... separation is only fan the flames of my desire for you well i'm

sorry myrtle but i just don't feel the same way oh rest assured you will while

i'm pulling out all the stops baby and believe you me the grits are gonna hit

the fan

people go

nasty in my room

I am cursed by Urkels.

No sooner does Steve leave than Myrtle shows up.

Hey.

Yeah, it's like losing a hangnail and gaining a boil.

Oh, man.

What happened?

The garbage disposal blew up.

Go for a minute. Hang on.

busted all right harry will you call somebody to fix it please carl why is it

always my job to do this because sweetheart that's what you do and you do

well i trust you completely i'm a 90s kind of guy unfortunately it's

the 1890s

One, one, two. Boom, boom.

Great nations should share their cheerleading skills.

Oh. Well, put your perky gear in park, sister.

Now step aside and watch a real woman shake her pom -poms.

What was that?

Hello, girl.

Hey, everybody.

Who is this?

Myrtle, this is my girlfriend, Greta.

nothing. I was just wondering what Eddie sees in you.

And I was wondering why you weren't home watching Hee Haw.

I'm typing it, you tramp.

Who you calling a tramp, Ellie Mae?

You, you certified, citified faloozie.

She's worse than psycho. She's an urkel.

Well, if she puts any more moves on you, I'll slap the ugly off of her.

That could take a whole lot of slapping.

Besides, you don't have anything to worry about.

I'm 100 % yours.

You better be.

This is so ironic.

What is?

Well, we came here to be alone, but... Well,

no. We never get to be alone.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

We own a summer house on Delmonico Island.

You do?

And this time of year, the island is deserted.

I was thinking, wouldn't it be

nice to have a romantic candlelight dinner down at the end of our dock?

Go with that, baby.

So, what if this Saturday you meet me there at 7 o 'clock?

I'm there. Can I bring dessert?

No, because this is going to be dessert.

Guess it was love, baby.

Hi,

honey. Hey, sweetheart.

I am starving.

What's for dinner?

Chicken surprise.

Hey, what's the surprise?

The chicken's waiting for us at the restaurant.

That's the estimate to repair the garbage disposal.

$200? Yeah, the guy said we need a new motor.

But, Harriet, $200?

What is the motor made out of, gold?

I don't know. I thought $200 sounded fair.

Well, sure it sounds fair to someone being hoodwinked.

Harriet, you are letting this guy take advantage of you.

You know, Carl, you were the one who asked me to take care of that.

hoodwinked so so now you can take care of it

Ahoy, baby.

Your captain of love is here.

Aye, aye, Captain.

All hands on deck.

What are you doing here?

Where is Greta?

Oh, she won't be coming tonight.

Someone replaced her shampoo with her depilatory.

She won't be coming out for months.

Look, Myrtle, you're way out of line here.

Oh, I just love it when you get angry. Your eyes flicker like fireflies.

Myrtle, will you listen to me? Nothing can ever happen between us. I'm just not

attracted to you.

Uh -uh -uh. Being with that Greta girl has obviously dulled your senses.

Allow me to sharpen them.

This is what men in prison dream about.

Only the lifers.

Now, I'm in love with weather.

Oh, fiddle -dee -dee.

That's because you've never been with a mint julep sweet as a tube of southern

fried never -been -tried doll, baby.

Yo, I'm outta here.

Well, if you're in that much of a hurry, take this outboard engine with you.

got something that's going to put a smile on your face.

Come on.

Ta -da!

What's that?

This, my dear, is a high -tech, cutting -edge garbage management system.

This is the amazing new Sink Weasel.

Sink Weasel? The Sink Weasel.

This baby not only decimates your garbage, purifies your water, and

your soap, but it It also gives you instant hot water for your tea, your

and your various soup -like substances.

Exactly how much did you think Weevil coughed up?

Pennies a day, Harriet.

Pennies a day.

How many pennies, Carl?

Eight hundred dollars worth. But it has a free sink strainer.

You got mad at me over a $200 motor, and then you go right behind my back and

spend $800 for a window?

But honey, this makes the sink smell lemony.

You know what else makes the sink smell lemony, Carl?

A lemon, Carl.

A lemon.

Harriet, you seem upset.

But more than upset, I'm hurt.

Hurt?

But... Honey, why?

Carl, when you saw my estimate for that garbage disposal, you talked down to me.

You made me feel small.

That hurt, Carl.

I'm supposed to be your partner in life.

Your friend.

I don't deserve to be treated like that.

Oh.

Honey, there's a reason why I did that.

Oh?

What is it?

I'm an idiot.

Honey, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Baby, you are my partner in life.

You know what else?

You are my very best friend in this whole world.

I love you, Mrs. Winslow.

I love you too, Mr. Winslow.

Biscuit?

Land of Goshen, I just love to watch a man suck down his zittles.

Murder, you sure can't cook.

You gonna finish that?

Oh, half a cent.

But make sure to save room for dessert.

Well, what's for dessert?

Me.

Oh, don't fight it, Eddie. You got kiss me written all over your face.

What?

That's barbecue sauce.

Enough dilly -dallying.

Edward, one kiss from me and you'll be mine forever.

No, no, Merle, stop that.

I'm not kidding.

about the kiss me.

What the heck?

I might as well.

Kiss me?

No, swim home. It's only five miles.