Original subtitles

I don't have just to pick those up later.

Are you ready to go, Steve?

Yep. Bring forth the academic onslaught.

Okay.

Okay, we're going to start out with the periodic table of elements.

Oh, my face.

Shoot. Okay.

What's the atomic weight of scandium?

44 .956.

Titanium? 47 .89.

Um, close. It's .88.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Oh, how can I not know that?

Oh. Gee, do you think you can lose brain cells from eating too much cheese?

smartest kid in school.

No big deal.

Like, this country is a lousy with geniuses. I have to be the smartest of

smartest. Like, you can't get into an omnic like MIT without breaking up these

eggheads.

Steve, I've never seen you like this.

It's just that I wanted to go to MIT ever since I was in diapers.

Like, my first word was Massachusetts.

Well, then let's just get to work.

an electric Amazonian eel. Pick on 50 votes.

Come on.

Challenge me.

Who discovered hypergenetic parabolic transmutation?

It's Obon Elianak. She was 42 at the time. She drove a Buick and she had

sons. Michael Jr., Skippy, and Robert.

Uh, Steve. Michael Jr. was quite a lady's man and Skippy liked veal.

On the newspaper page. And love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower.

Bigger love

even watch a simple bikini contest.

Hello, Carl.

Hello.

Pastor Fuller, what a surprise it is to see you.

Don't worry, Carl, I don't want money.

Oh, come in, come in, come in.

Harriet? Hi, how long have you ever seen me?

So, Pastor, how are things down at the church? Oh,

As you know, one of my responsibilities is to counsel young couples who are

planning to be married.

Now, we're matching them up with couples that have been married for many years

so they can get a sense of the give and take of marriage.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Thanks. I thought of it.

So, would you two be interested?

It'll only be one afternoon.

Well, sure. How much does it pay?

We'd love to do it.

Is that a new perfume?

Why, yes.

It's called Sudden Urge.

Well, it's definitely giving me a sudden urge.

I'm serious, Harry. You smell like a million bucks.

It didn't cost a million bucks, did it?

Relax, Carl. It's expensive, but it didn't cost you a cent.

Oh, great.

Birthday gift.

Who's the big spender?

Lance, down at Ferguson.

Wasn't that nice?

Lance.

Lance? Yeah, he works in Betty.

I just bet he does.

Stop it, Carl.

like this Lance a little or Lance a lot?

Little.

Oh, great.

My wife is being romanced by a perfume -giving, home -wrecking, wife -stealing

weasel.

Harriet, I want you to take it back and tell old Lance to keep his sudden urge.

Oh, Carl, don't be ridiculous. Now, we'll talk about this later. Oh, we'll

about it later, all right. We're going to talk about how I'm going down to that

store and tell a few things to that retail gigolo.

Mr. Winslow?

Oh, you must be Larry in Maryland.

Yes, I'm Larry, and this is Marilyn.

I pieced that together.

Well, please, come in. Sit down.

Hi.

Hi.

So, Pastor Fuller said you might be able to warn us about some of the pitfalls

of marriage.

Well, yes, we can.

After all, we've been married 22 years.

Harriet, that's a lovely perfume. What is it?

Well, it's called...

Sudden urge.

Oh.

Yeah.

A friend gave it to her.

Steve, why did you call me over here?

Because I need your help.

My meeting with the MIT recruiter is in two hours, and I've come up with a

foolproof way to ace it. How?

With my celebrity hair collection.

you up to now.

gene -splitting skills and extract a strand of DNA.

Then, I'll unlock the genetic code that made Einstein a genius.

Then, I'll whip up an antibody elixir and become the smartest dude on Earth.

Hello?

You're already one of the smartest kids on Earth. Just be yourself.

I've got one shot at MIT and I'm not blowing it.

to be back in my favorite city, Chicago.

Which one is it?

Love me tender.

I'll get a hold of yourself, man.

Elvis has left the building.

Harriet, I just love your perfume. Do you know where I can get some?

Oh, sure.

That's easy.

Just strike up a friendship with Lance.

bothers you so much. He's just a co -worker.

No offense, Mrs. Winslow, but it would bother me, too, if some guy gave my wife

perfume.

Honey, but what if it was just a harmless gift?

Well, I certainly wouldn't let you accept a gift like that, pumpkin.

Let me?

What do you mean you wouldn't let me?

I'm letting my future wife accept gifts from some guy who's got the hots for

her.

Merkel is now 20 minutes late. I have a lot of promising students to see today.

Oh, Steve will be here any second. You've got to wait for him.

Steve and MIT were made for each other. Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm going to have

to note his tardiness.

I'm noting.

Mr. Fleming?

This is Steve.

Call me the king.

All my friends do.

Oh, that's a nickname.

He's not only smart, he's a fun guy.

Well, uh, Steve, I'm Herb Fleming from MIT, where we don't have a lot of fun

guys.

MIT, huh? I don't know that label.

Yes, well, MIT is a university, not a record company. Are you okay, Mr. Urkel?

Would you call me?

That's a nickname you came up with so that your fans wouldn't hound you?

Oh, sorry, I got mad. I guess I was all sugar.

Why are you wearing... this silly outfit.

Hey, man, don't be crude.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to note your bizarre behavior.

I'm noting.

You seem a little upset.

Want a Cadillac?

Are you trying to bribe me, Mr. Urkel? I'm not a caddy man, huh?

How about a watch?

I know Priscilla, baby. I can see them.

Say, where's Lisa Marie?

You don't want to know.

You're blowing the whole interview.

Oh, interview.

You'll have to arrange that with the colonel.

Mr. Fleming, there's a clear explanation for all of this.

Psychosis? No.

Steve was worried about this interview with you, so he decided to change his

pattern to Albert Einstein's, but he made a mistake and used one of Elvis'

instead of Einstein's and transformed himself into the king.

Does this sound as crazy as I think it does?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Urkel, or...

You are definitely not MIT material.

You know, I'd like to change the mood for a moment.

Sometimes in life, we get down on ourselves.

And we can't find a way out of our troubles.

And that's when we check into... The Heartbreak Hotel.

Since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell.

Now at the end of a long history,

Maybe he could go to Stanford.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Grandma.

Thank you, Grandma.

I love each and every one of you.

I don't think we're ready to get married.

Apparently, there are some things we didn't know about one another.

Now that you mention it, I feel exactly the same way.

Good.

Good. Harriet, can you give me a ride home, please?

Oh, oh, wait a minute, please.

Just wait a minute.

Look, I think I might have given you guys the wrong impression.

No, au contraire, Mr. Winslow, if I may call you that.

I think you really opened up our eyes.

You know, marriage is never perfect.

Yeah, you got to really work at it. Yeah, you know, there's always something

stir the pot.

Money,

in -laws, or in my case, jealousy.

When you're married to a beautiful woman like Harriet, you're always afraid

somebody's going to take away from you.

Oh, Carl, that was so sweet.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I don't know what got into me.

You have never given me a reason to mistrust you.

And I never will.

I love you. I love you, too.

That was really sweet.

Yeah.

That's the kind of marriage I wanted to have.

Maybe we still can.

Will you still marry me?

I love you, Larry.

I love you, Marilyn.

I'm sorry.

Well,

that went smoothly.