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1
00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:05,900
Screwdriver. Screwdriver.
2
00:00:09,460 --> 00:00:10,460
Flyer.
3
00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:11,840
Flyer.
4
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:17,960
No, no, no, we checked it, checked it,
checked it, checked it, checked it!
5
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:24,960
I found your problem!
6
00:00:27,740 --> 00:00:30,580
Your ceiling cable is crossed with your
power line.
7
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,320
But don't worry, I fixed it.
8
00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:34,740
All right, let her rip, Carl.
9
00:00:40,660 --> 00:00:43,600
Did I do that?
10
00:00:55,040 --> 00:01:01,540
It's a rare condition this day and age
to read any good news on the newspaper
11
00:01:01,540 --> 00:01:05,250
page. Love and tradition of the grand
design.
12
00:01:05,489 --> 00:01:08,930
Some people say it's even harder to
find.
13
00:01:10,030 --> 00:01:15,930
Well, then there must be some magic clue
inside these gentle walls.
14
00:01:17,150 --> 00:01:20,850
Because all I see is a tower of dreams.
15
00:01:21,190 --> 00:01:24,130
Real love bursting out of every scene.
16
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:40,500
since breakfast.
17
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:42,160
What about lunch?
18
00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:44,880
Well, actually, I haven't eaten lunch.
19
00:02:45,620 --> 00:02:50,240
Every day in the cafeteria, I'm accosted
by this bully who takes all my money.
20
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:51,740
So don't give it to him.
21
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:56,300
You don't know Bull Weapon. He'll rip
off my face and add it to his
22
00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,880
Unless, of course, I had a...
23
00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:24,980
Ten bucks, huh?
24
00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:27,200
Okay, Steve, I'll do it.
25
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,200
Great!
26
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:32,640
Once Bull sees that you're my bodyguard,
he'll leave me alone.
27
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,280
Protecting one seven -wheeler from
another.
28
00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:38,160
This is gonna be the easiest ten bucks I
ever made.
29
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,280
an extra red sock.
30
00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:00,980
And I got an extra green one.
31
00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:02,420
Close enough.
32
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,020
A car can wear these for Christmas.
33
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,240
So that's when you knew there was a
holdup? Well, it was either a holdup or
34
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:31,240
were playing Simon Says.
35
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,460
So that's when you arrested the suspect
for bank robbery?
36
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,200
No, for cutting in front of me in the
line.
37
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:39,720
She's funny.
38
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,320
And I'm Nick Murphy reporting for
Channel 13.
39
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,200
Hi, Mama.
40
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:45,640
Hi, Carl.
41
00:04:46,060 --> 00:04:47,440
My son's a star.
42
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,000
I hope the girls in my canasta club are
watching.
43
00:04:53,580 --> 00:04:56,420
You look great on TV, Dan. Thanks.
44
00:04:56,650 --> 00:04:57,930
Channel 13 thought so, too.
45
00:04:58,370 --> 00:05:01,410
That's why they're giving me a tryout as
their afternoon traffic reporter.
46
00:05:01,650 --> 00:05:02,830
Oh, that's great, Carl.
47
00:05:03,410 --> 00:05:06,990
Hey, and if I do well on Friday's 4 o
'clock news, the job is mine.
48
00:05:07,230 --> 00:05:08,350
Oh, right.
49
00:05:08,870 --> 00:05:11,730
Does that mean you're giving up being a
police officer?
50
00:05:11,990 --> 00:05:14,430
Well, no, Mama. It's just a part -time
thing that somebody from the police
51
00:05:14,430 --> 00:05:15,429
department does.
52
00:05:15,430 --> 00:05:18,130
The last traffic officer on Channel 13
was funny.
53
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:22,590
Now, if you're going to replace Officer
Bud, you're going to need some jokes and
54
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,590
a new name.
55
00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:25,090
Well, what's wrong with Carl?
56
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,240
I don't know. It just doesn't pop.
57
00:05:27,460 --> 00:05:28,460
It doesn't sizzle.
58
00:05:28,860 --> 00:05:30,280
Carl doesn't say traffic.
59
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,300
It says farm report.
60
00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:40,340
Rachel, Carl was my great -grandfather's
name, and there's no way that I'm going
61
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,440
to change it. Your great -grandfather's
name was Lester.
62
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,460
Carl was his horse.
63
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,820
at day camp when all of a sudden my eyes
started to water and I started coughing
64
00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:01,960
up all this green stuff.
65
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:04,580
I wasn't yellow.
66
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,040
Mucus comes in so many colors.
67
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,980
Steve, I'm trying to eat.
68
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:13,900
What'd I say?
69
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,940
Look, this bully is not going to show.
70
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,600
He probably saw me and got scared off.
Mission accomplished.
71
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:23,300
Hey, uh...
72
00:06:27,530 --> 00:06:28,530
Thanks, Eddie.
73
00:06:28,570 --> 00:06:30,350
Whoops. No tip.
74
00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:09,350
Give me my money.
75
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:11,430
I don't have it.
76
00:07:12,350 --> 00:07:13,490
You don't have it?
77
00:08:13,450 --> 00:08:15,350
said no to Bull Wesson and Liv.
78
00:08:16,310 --> 00:08:17,310
No.
79
00:08:19,030 --> 00:08:21,930
I'll see you here after school tomorrow,
shrimp.
80
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,040
a TV star yet.
81
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,140
Oh, don't worry, son. You will be.
82
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,600
Ooh, Joyce is gonna love this.
83
00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:22,920
She's gonna put it right next to her
autographed picture of Willard Scott.
84
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:28,960
Okay, Carl.
85
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,200
Time to rehearse tomorrow's traffic
report.
86
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:35,660
Well, Rachel, I just kind of thought I'd
wing it, you know? See, that's a big
87
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:37,980
mistake. You gotta be prepared. Here.
88
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,360
I wrote some one -liners covering every
possible traffic condition.
89
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,600
Rachel. Carl has enough to worry about.
He doesn't need your help.
90
00:09:44,860 --> 00:09:46,260
Hey, I'm a professional writer.
91
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,100
A couple of jokes wouldn't hurt,
Harriet. That's right.
92
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,060
And this is funny stuff. Listen.
93
00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:56,360
There's an accident on the expressway.
94
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:57,800
Paramedics are on the scene.
95
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:02,100
And speaking of medical personnel, a guy
walks into the doctor's office.
96
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,020
The doctor says, I've got good news and
bad news.
97
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,600
The good news is you've got 48 hours to
live.
98
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:11,020
The guy says, what's the bad news? The
doctor says...
99
00:10:11,290 --> 00:10:12,590
I forgot to call you yesterday.
100
00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:25,610
What has that got to do with traffic?
101
00:10:26,550 --> 00:10:28,330
Look, Harriet, I know what I'm doing.
102
00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:29,810
Show business is my life.
103
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,430
Go ahead, Carl. Try one.
104
00:10:31,870 --> 00:10:33,130
Okay. Take the stage.
105
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,100
and it's smoking badly.
106
00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:45,760
And speaking of smoke, what do Smokey
the Bear, Catherine the Great, and...
107
00:11:14,350 --> 00:11:19,050
to a bull he wasn't gonna give him any
more money bull's gonna kill him come on
108
00:11:19,050 --> 00:11:24,410
nobody's gonna get hurt we're talking
about two seventh graders yeah but
109
00:11:24,410 --> 00:11:31,050
been in the seventh grade since the
carter administration get real no i
110
00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:36,550
saw him eddie he's at least 17 and he's
mean they don't call him bull because he
111
00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:37,570
works for merrill lynch
112
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:44,900
I think I just might miss Urkel.
113
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,320
Hi, guys.
114
00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:50,700
Forget I said that.
115
00:11:55,460 --> 00:11:59,100
Laura, this is for you. I want you to
have something to remember me by.
116
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,260
It's not alive, is it?
117
00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:06,480
No, it's a necklace. I was going to give
it to you on our wedding night, but it
118
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,160
looks like I'll be dead.
119
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,600
a sesame seed. I never could dislodge
it. You don't stand a chance against
120
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,360
guy. I don't see what getting beat up is
going to prove.
121
00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:33,740
That's because you don't know what it's
like being small.
122
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,360
No one's ever called you shrimp.
123
00:12:36,860 --> 00:12:40,500
Big guys who never played keep away with
your hat on a cold day.
124
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:45,620
During the class picture, you don't have
to sit with the girls in the front row
125
00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:47,200
and hold up the class sign.
126
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,860
And most of all, you don't have to deal
with bullies.
127
00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:53,660
I mean, I'm a...
128
00:12:57,770 --> 00:12:58,770
Stop running.
129
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:12,330
Dad?
130
00:13:13,390 --> 00:13:14,730
Can I talk to you for a second?
131
00:13:15,050 --> 00:13:16,009
Sure, son.
132
00:13:16,010 --> 00:13:17,010
What's on your mind?
133
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:21,730
Well, tomorrow after school at Leroy,
Steve Urkel's going to get beat up.
134
00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:23,810
What did he do?
135
00:13:25,010 --> 00:13:26,010
Nothing.
136
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:29,520
There's just this big guy who doesn't
like him, and he keeps taking his lunch
137
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:30,520
money.
138
00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:32,660
Urkel finally decided to stand up to
him.
139
00:13:34,140 --> 00:13:35,500
So now you want to get involved?
140
00:13:36,420 --> 00:13:38,020
Yeah. I don't know.
141
00:13:39,260 --> 00:13:40,520
Is that the right thing to do?
142
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,300
Well, that depends.
143
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:43,859
On what?
144
00:13:43,860 --> 00:13:46,780
On whether or not you believe there are
people out there who should be protected
145
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:48,440
because they can't protect themselves.
146
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:51,100
Do you believe that?
147
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:53,140
I sure do.
148
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:54,500
That's why I became a cop.
149
00:13:55,930 --> 00:14:00,730
Look, Eddie, I know you came to me for a
simple yes or no answer, but I honestly
150
00:14:00,730 --> 00:14:03,570
can't give you that to tell you whether
you should get involved in somebody
151
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:04,570
else's fight or not.
152
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:06,930
That's a judgment call you're going to
have to make on your own.
153
00:14:08,450 --> 00:14:09,990
I just want to do the right thing.
154
00:14:10,990 --> 00:14:11,990
I know that you will.
155
00:14:17,930 --> 00:14:21,430
There are chances of scattered showers
throughout the tri -state region.
156
00:14:21,670 --> 00:14:22,670
Oh, oh, come on!
157
00:14:24,590 --> 00:14:26,070
County Toyota is doing the weather.
158
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:27,470
Traffic is next.
159
00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:30,850
Oh, I hope Carl comes to his senses and
dumps those stupid jokes.
160
00:14:31,770 --> 00:14:33,630
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
161
00:14:35,050 --> 00:14:39,970
I'm so excited. The last time I saw Carl
perform, it was in a school play on
162
00:14:39,970 --> 00:14:41,150
dental hygiene.
163
00:14:41,570 --> 00:14:43,290
He played Mr.
164
00:14:43,570 --> 00:14:44,570
Tooth Decay.
165
00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:59,480
We got 30 seconds to air. Carl, how you
doing? Just great.
166
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,560
Look, I got a million traffic jokes. You
want to hear one? Jokes?
167
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,120
Didn't anyone tell you that's what got
Officer Bud fired?
168
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:06,840
What? That's all I've got.
169
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:13,480
Here we go. We're ready. Let's clear the
set. And in 5, 4, 3, 2... And now with
170
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,700
this afternoon's traffic report, here's
Officer Carl Winslow.
171
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:43,860
And speaking of pain and suffering, this
guy asked his doctor if he has 48 hours
172
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:44,860
to live.
173
00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:47,760
And his doctor says, you should have
asked me yesterday.
174
00:15:57,260 --> 00:15:58,260
My jokes.
175
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,840
Anybody mind if I change the channel?
176
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:04,380
Not yet.
177
00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:07,780
Come on, Carl. Just be yourself. I know
you can do it.
178
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:09,740
Oh, oh, oh, oh. I got it now. I got it
now.
179
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,560
See, this doctor and his patient walk
into this bar.
180
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,060
If you're heading into downtown, take
the service road.
181
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,880
Wait a minute. You can't take the
service road.
182
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:36,790
Yeah,
183
00:17:37,550 --> 00:17:38,970
but what are you going to do?
184
00:17:46,210 --> 00:17:46,730
Good
185
00:17:46,730 --> 00:17:53,950
afternoon,
186
00:17:54,130 --> 00:17:55,130
Bull.
187
00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:57,290
You're looking dapper as usual.
188
00:17:59,510 --> 00:18:02,070
I'm going to give you one last chance,
Weasel.
189
00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:03,850
Hand over.
190
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,280
Bank is closed.
191
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,120
Okay.
192
00:18:12,660 --> 00:18:14,000
Nice knowing you, dweeb.
193
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,260
Call me!
194
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,320
Hi,
195
00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:23,740
Silver Bowl.
196
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,540
This has nothing to do with you. This is
between me and the dork.
197
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:31,220
Butt out.
198
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,660
Well, as long as Eddie's here, let's be
open to his input.
199
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:39,540
know that you're tough, man.
200
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,120
You don't have to beat up on Urkel just
to prove it.
201
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,040
I mean, he's a small, defenseless, puny,
pathetic...
202
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,000
Hey, can you introduce me to Connie
Toyota?
203
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,460
Well, I'm, uh, not exactly on her good
side at the moment.
204
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:13,160
So, did anything interesting happen
around here today?
205
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:15,920
Dad,
206
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,880
you came here to check up on me, didn't
you?
207
00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:19,880
You were worried about the fight.
208
00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:22,720
Fight? That today?
209
00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:26,660
Yeah, but I talked the bully out of
hearing our talk.
210
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,620
Oh, he backed down, just like I said.
211
00:20:30,219 --> 00:20:32,100
No. He came after me.
212
00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:33,820
I had to fight him.
213
00:20:34,140 --> 00:20:35,099
Are you okay?
214
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,100
Yeah, I'm fine.
215
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:37,900
In fact, I feel pretty good about
myself.
216
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,500
Well, son, I'm proud of you.
217
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:47,240
But I don't want you to think that
fighting is always the answer.
218
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:48,480
Oh, I know, Dad.
219
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,380
But it really wasn't much of a fight.
220
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,260
You hit him once and he went down.
221
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:55,300
Oh, was it that famous Winslow punch I
taught you?
222
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:56,640
I don't know.
223
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:58,340
It just closed my eyes and swung.
224
00:20:58,820 --> 00:20:59,820
That's the one.
17063
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