All language subtitles for ellen_s04e19_secrets_ellen

Right, so it's a couple of bottles of
your best champagne and two ounces of

beluga caviar.

I'll make it four ounces. We'll make
sandwiches later.

This place is unbelievable.

Two jacuzzis, big screen TV, in the
bathroom.

Yes. Yeah.

It's quaint.

Oh, my God, I'm dying. God damn it.

Finally,

I'm home.

Listen, okay, I won't ask anymore, but
try global pictures. Pay for everything,

right? Honor bar included. Big fluffy
bathrooms. Big screen TV.

Spence, we can't take advantage.

Enough said, enough said.

Yeah, hi. Listen, could you also send up
a case of shampoo?

Yeah, it doesn't matter. The most
expensive.

Ladies and gentlemen, April Tatro and I
will stretch.

Put it behind your head.

Good.

Great. And here we go.

One leg.

The other leg.

And up.

Up.

Show off.

Where'd you learn to do that?

Oh, I worked as a poker dealer in Vegas
for a while, but I got fired.

How come?

I don't know. I never figured that one
out.

Oh, good.

Oh, hi.

Hi. How are you doing?

What are you doing here?

Not that you need a reason to be here. I
mean, it's always nice to see you. What

do you want?

Well, when your grandmother comes.
Grammy's coming to visit? Oh, didn't I

you? I thought I told you. Oh, well,
let's not dwell on that.

Um, anyway, when she comes, would it be
all right if she stayed with you?

Oh, let me think about it. No.

Oh, honey. She's just so critical and
judgmental, and she's always rolling her

eyes, and she has those disapproving
noises.

Uh -uh.

Oh,

come on. With the separation, it's just
not a good time for us. Well, it's not a

good time for me either. I mean, I have
inventory coming up, it's tax time, and

I've got a jar full of pennies that
aren't going to roll themselves.

Please, honey, it would make it so much
easier.

All right.

I'm going to have to shampoo the carpets
and clean the drapes and get a guest

towel. No, there won't be time for that.
Well, I'll make time. No, there won't

be time for that. She'll be here in 45
minutes. But that's today.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, when your
grandmother gets here, just pretend your

and I are still together. Okay, thanks.
Bye.

Lois Ellington Morgan, you get back here
right now.

tell her the truth, it'll be nothing but
lectures and I told you so's and Bible

stories and... Come on, what she doesn't
know won't hurt her.

All right, if that's the kind of
relationship you want to have with your

You just don't understand.

I mean, you're lucky you have me for a
mother.

Spence Kobach, I am naked and I am
starting without you.

I feel ridiculous. Do I have to wear
this thing?

Mm -hmm.

You know, if we were staying at the New
York, New York casino, we would have to

be playing subway vigilante and crack
whore.

Perhaps you'd feel differently, Emperor,
if your little slave girl poured you

some champagne.

Oh, well, you know, when in Rome.

We don't watch bar -rated movies, and we
don't watch NYPD Blue.

Oh, and by the way, by the way, your
father is not retired. In fact, he just

a big promotion, okay?

Why do you do this? Why do you have to
make up these stories to impress

else? You should just be more confident.

Grammy's going to be here any second.
I've got to finish putting these Jesus

figurines out.

Let you stay with me.

So this is where you live.

Yeah. Well, it's very nice.

I'll dust later.

Why do I have to stay here?

I told you our place is being painted,
you know.

Why don't you stop with the paint? I
mean, why not move? It's the ugliest

I ever saw.

All righty then. How about something
cold and chilly to drink? I have soda

have juice. I have beer.

Alcohol?

You have alcohol in this house?

Yes, but not mine.

I actually took it from the guy across
the hall. I saw him and I broke in when

he wasn't there and took it away.

That is wrong. I'm trying to get all the
liquor from everyone. Can I get you a

juice box?

Why don't you come over here, sit next
to Grammy, and tell me all about your

boyfriend? Boyfriend?

Yes, Joe.

Joe. Joe.

Joe? Joe.

Joe, of course, Joe.

Well, tell me about him. All right, I
will. Yeah, his name is Joe, short for

Joseph, and he is a hard worker, a hard
worker, and a wonderful peach

farmer. And grows peaches, pitless
peaches, which is...

They don't know how he does it. And some
are extra fuzzy and some are not so

fuzzy. And very talented. I don't know
how he does it. And I try to get it out

of him, you know.

Oh, hey, Doc.

So how is he? Is he okay?

Is he going to be all right?

Well, basically, he's got three lemons
showing.

Unfortunately, they're just not all
lined up right now.

I'm sorry, I...

I don't really understand.

Let me put this in layman terms for you,
Miss Clark. Okay. Just think of his

brain as a roulette wheel. Right. Right
now, the ball is kind of bouncing

around. It might land red. It might land
black. But it's going to land.

I'm sorry.

I'm still a little hazy. You've got two
aces and a five -deck shoe. I'll talk in

English.

He has a mild concussion.

He's a little bit disoriented. He's
going to be fine. Just keep an eye on

Great. I am going to need to know from
my report what happened, though.

Oh. Um, okay.

So, well, I was in the jacuzzi, and he
was just sort of, you know, walking

around. Emperor and the slave girl.

Great.

I'm looking for your sign. Okay. You
know, I don't know if you ever hear

but did anyone ever tell you that you
look a lot like Wayne Newton?

No.

Dr. Shade.

Oh, another one. Thank you so much.

Thanks.

Boy, you can churn those out.

Did you sleep well?

That isn't what you're wearing to a
house of worship.

House of worship? We're going to the
house of pant.

Why don't you run along and change into
that dress I made you? The doryly one?

Well, I would like to, but my church is
a little drafty, and I don't think the

good Lord would want me to have chilly
legs.

I'm so hungry, I cannot wait to stick my
teeth into some Belgian waffles. Oh, me

too, and that'll be a nice treat for us
all when we finish going to church

together as a family.

Ellie, we haven't been to... Your
church? In a long time, why don't we go

Oh, but, uh, your church is so much
nicer.

Ellen's church is kind of drafty.

But... Our church is clear across town,
and yours is so much closer.

Really? Well, but my church just
recently had the big rat scare.

And I don't think they got them all,
so...

Well, better a rat scare than a

radon leak at our church.

Well, why don't we let...

me decide.

Huh?

Rat church.

This is your regular church, dear? Oh,
yeah. Every Sunday. Wouldn't miss it.

Yeah. Got a haircut, huh?

Only place I feel like I really fit in.

at my church, and Joe, you're my
boyfriend.

I prefer life, partner.

Ellen, you know me. I can't lie. I'm a
terrible liar, especially... Hi, Grammy.

I'm Audrey.

Welcome to Ellen's bookstore, which she
owns and didn't sell.

I thought you remodeled after the
earthquake.

Oh, so you like it. Great.

Wonderful to meet you. I just want you
to know that my intentions are

honorable. Planning a big church
wedding, lots of kids. Isn't that right,

Pumpkin? No, not in front of Grammy.

Oh, God.

I love you so much. I'm going to leave
right now and go get you some flowers.

Oh, you know what? Just knowing you love
me that much is enough. Pookie pookie

yum yum.

My heart is so full.

Where's the powder room?

Right up the stairs and through the
door, Grammy.

He's a keeper.

A pony.

She's your Grammy. She's not going to be
around forever.

And after she's gone, the guilt is going
to eat your insides until you're

nothing but bones and lies. Bones and
lies!

Don't you pick on my honeybunch. She's
perfect just the way she is.

Thank you, Joe.

Now get your hand off my ass.

Halt! Who goes there?

Hey, little Caesar.

Pizza here yet?

I am not Caesar.

I'm merely one of his loyal soldiers.

Oh, you're into your job. That's good.

Hey, listen.

If you introduce me, I'll take over for
you at the Vomitarium tonight.

Munich, huh?

You should never look upon one of the
Emperor's handmaidens with lust for

Beware the Ides of March.

Oh, it's the Ides of March already? My
sundial must have stopped.

I must warn Caesar. Which way to the
Appian Way?

You just go to the nickel slots and make
a left. Can't miss it.

The Oracle has proclaimed that Jupiter's
will must be done.

Okay, you're a freak show.

Hey,

Grammy. You know, they say that no two
Dorleys are alike.

Oh, my God, I hope they're right.

Shouldn't we be leaving for dinner?

Oh, dinner reservations aren't until
five.

I forgot.

I'm dining with the Let's Eat Lake
crowd.

Well, I did try to get those 3 .30
reservations, but they were still

lunch.

I can't tell you how happy I am about
you and Joe.

Oh, good, then don't.

And since you're getting married soon, I
want you to have something that belongs

to me. Your craftmatic adjustable bed?

My engagement ring.

My grandmother gave it to my mother, my
mother gave it to me, and I'm giving it

to you.

Well, why didn't you give it to Mom?

I didn't want her to have it.

I just hope that you and Joe are as
happy as your grandfather and I.

God rest his soul.

Grandpa's still alive.

Whatever.

You know, this is the only thing I still
have of my mother's, and I'm giving it

to you.

Oh, that, I can't take the ring, though.
I mean, how about the black and white

TV with the rabbit ears? Isn't that your
mother's?

You're the only one in the family who
deserves it. Would you hold still?

Oh, you know, I see so much of myself in
you, Ellen.

I mean, a God -fearing woman who runs
her own business and is madly in love

a handsome, hard -working man.

That's me.

God -fearing, hard -loving, business
-owning Ellen.

I thrice presented Caesar with a kingly
crown, which he did thrice refuse.

Well, you're precious.

Are you one of those village people guys
that does this stuff? I'm from the

village, yes, the village of Rome.

So it takes a village to raise an idiot,
huh?

Excuse me.

Have you seen Caesar?

Brutus loves thee not. Hey, I don't know
what kind of rumors are going around,

but Brutus and I are just good friends.
No, Caesar, you know, your life is in

great danger. Look, I'm not the regular
Caesar.

I'm just filling in.

No.

Caesar.

Hey,

I've been looking all over you. Are you
okay?

Fear not for me. Caesar's life is in
jeopardy.

What? Unhand me, you tart. I must say
Caesar.

Let's get you back to bed. Come on. What
would Mark Anthony do if he were here?

Cesar! My leash! My leash!

That's disgusting.

You're right.

Hi, Grammy Rose. Mom. Dad.

Honey Bunch. What are you doing here? I
said that I didn't want to lie anymore.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

I am so glad to spend time with you and
Joe. I can't wait for the day that I

dance at your wedding.

Oh, well, how can I put this, Grammy?

That's not going to happen.

Hey, I'm not that old.

No, that's not what I mean.

Joe and I aren't getting married.

Oh, no, you two broke up? Oh, how can
you even say a thing like that?

No, we never were together. I lied to
you.

You lied to me? Yes, I did, and there's
more.

I don't still own the bookstore.

I'm not a regular churchgoer, and I hate
doilies.

How can you say that? I thought you
loved doilies.

I said it there, and it wasn't as hard
as I thought, and I think that Grammy

respects me more for being truthful.

Well, think again.

Lois, what do you have to say about
this?

What do I have to say about this?

brought you up better than this. I
cannot believe that you lied to us.

You, Lois Ellington Morgan, daughter of
Rose Ellington, don't believe that I

lied to my mother?

Yes.

Don't make me say that again.

You, Lois Ellington... Okay, okay, okay,
for God's sake, stop it.

Okay, Mom, I lied to you.

Harold is retired.

He's not working anymore.

one of them right now.

It's not just about the work. Tell her
about the divorce.

Divorce? Oh, just as I always predicted.

I blame you for this, Lois. I always
told you you married beneath you.

Not like your sister Fern.

I am a lawyer. Fern married a baker.

She told me he was a congressman.

If there's one thing I cannot abide,
it's liars.

Well, you know what?

It's just kind of hard to tell you the
truth.

I don't know if anyone has ever told you
this, but sometimes you come off as

sort of a... What's the word?

Bitch.

Okay, you've had this discussion.

There's still no reason to lie to me.
I've washed my hands of this entire

family. Okay, fine. Then I guess you
want your engagement ring back.

Wait. You told me you lost that in our
bomb shelter. That was supposed to be

mine.

I was afraid to give it to you because I
thought you'd lose it faster than you

lost your virginity to Tommy Hobbs.

Lois, you weren't a virgin when you
married me?

Oh, get real, Harold.

Oh, well, look at us. What a family we
are. Three generations of liars. Well,

liar, liar, pants on fire.

And it's time we put our pants out.

You're here.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Joe.

Now, for the last time, get your hand
off my ass.

Mom, I'm really sorry about all the
lies.

Well, I'm sorry that I made it so hard
for you to tell the truth.

Here, this is yours.

Oh, that's so sweet. Now, there you go.
That's a start for us.

You cannot marry...

me to my chamber. I am unworthy of
escorting such a wonderful queen as

Oh, blah, blah, blah. Come on, let's go.

I'll be honored.

So where have you been all night? Well,
I was almost subdued by infidels, but

luckily I was able to inform Caesar of
the plot against his life.

Oh, of course you did, because you're my
brave little soldier.

Let's go.