Original subtitles

Right, so it's a couple of bottles of your best champagne and two ounces of

beluga caviar.

I'll make it four ounces. We'll make sandwiches later.

This place is unbelievable.

Two jacuzzis, big screen TV, in the bathroom.

Yes. Yeah.

It's quaint.

Oh, my God, I'm dying. God damn it.

Finally,

I'm home.

Listen, okay, I won't ask anymore, but try global pictures. Pay for everything,

right? Honor bar included. Big fluffy bathrooms. Big screen TV.

Spence, we can't take advantage.

Enough said, enough said.

Yeah, hi. Listen, could you also send up a case of shampoo?

Yeah, it doesn't matter. The most expensive.

Ladies and gentlemen, April Tatro and I will stretch.

Put it behind your head.

Good.

Great. And here we go.

One leg.

The other leg.

And up.

Up.

Show off.

Where'd you learn to do that?

Oh, I worked as a poker dealer in Vegas for a while, but I got fired.

How come?

I don't know. I never figured that one out.

Oh, good.

Oh, hi.

Hi. How are you doing?

What are you doing here?

Not that you need a reason to be here. I mean, it's always nice to see you. What

do you want?

Well, when your grandmother comes. Grammy's coming to visit? Oh, didn't I

you? I thought I told you. Oh, well, let's not dwell on that.

Um, anyway, when she comes, would it be all right if she stayed with you?

Oh, let me think about it. No.

Oh, honey. She's just so critical and judgmental, and she's always rolling her

eyes, and she has those disapproving noises.

Uh -uh.

Oh,

come on. With the separation, it's just not a good time for us. Well, it's not a

good time for me either. I mean, I have inventory coming up, it's tax time, and

I've got a jar full of pennies that aren't going to roll themselves.

Please, honey, it would make it so much easier.

All right.

I'm going to have to shampoo the carpets and clean the drapes and get a guest

towel. No, there won't be time for that. Well, I'll make time. No, there won't

be time for that. She'll be here in 45 minutes. But that's today.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, when your grandmother gets here, just pretend your

and I are still together. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Lois Ellington Morgan, you get back here right now.

tell her the truth, it'll be nothing but lectures and I told you so's and Bible

stories and... Come on, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

All right, if that's the kind of relationship you want to have with your

You just don't understand.

I mean, you're lucky you have me for a mother.

Spence Kobach, I am naked and I am starting without you.

I feel ridiculous. Do I have to wear this thing?

Mm -hmm.

You know, if we were staying at the New York, New York casino, we would have to

be playing subway vigilante and crack whore.

Perhaps you'd feel differently, Emperor, if your little slave girl poured you

some champagne.

Oh, well, you know, when in Rome.

We don't watch bar -rated movies, and we don't watch NYPD Blue.

Oh, and by the way, by the way, your father is not retired. In fact, he just

a big promotion, okay?

Why do you do this? Why do you have to make up these stories to impress

else? You should just be more confident.

Grammy's going to be here any second. I've got to finish putting these Jesus

figurines out.

Let you stay with me.

So this is where you live.

Yeah. Well, it's very nice.

I'll dust later.

Why do I have to stay here?

I told you our place is being painted, you know.

Why don't you stop with the paint? I mean, why not move? It's the ugliest

I ever saw.

All righty then. How about something cold and chilly to drink? I have soda

have juice. I have beer.

Alcohol?

You have alcohol in this house?

Yes, but not mine.

I actually took it from the guy across the hall. I saw him and I broke in when

he wasn't there and took it away.

That is wrong. I'm trying to get all the liquor from everyone. Can I get you a

juice box?

Why don't you come over here, sit next to Grammy, and tell me all about your

boyfriend? Boyfriend?

Yes, Joe.

Joe. Joe.

Joe? Joe.

Joe, of course, Joe.

Well, tell me about him. All right, I will. Yeah, his name is Joe, short for

Joseph, and he is a hard worker, a hard worker, and a wonderful peach

farmer. And grows peaches, pitless peaches, which is...

They don't know how he does it. And some are extra fuzzy and some are not so

fuzzy. And very talented. I don't know how he does it. And I try to get it out

of him, you know.

Oh, hey, Doc.

So how is he? Is he okay?

Is he going to be all right?

Well, basically, he's got three lemons showing.

Unfortunately, they're just not all lined up right now.

I'm sorry, I...

I don't really understand.

Let me put this in layman terms for you, Miss Clark. Okay. Just think of his

brain as a roulette wheel. Right. Right now, the ball is kind of bouncing

around. It might land red. It might land black. But it's going to land.

I'm sorry.

I'm still a little hazy. You've got two aces and a five -deck shoe. I'll talk in

English.

He has a mild concussion.

He's a little bit disoriented. He's going to be fine. Just keep an eye on

Great. I am going to need to know from my report what happened, though.

Oh. Um, okay.

So, well, I was in the jacuzzi, and he was just sort of, you know, walking

around. Emperor and the slave girl.

Great.

I'm looking for your sign. Okay. You know, I don't know if you ever hear

but did anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like Wayne Newton?

No.

Dr. Shade.

Oh, another one. Thank you so much.

Thanks.

Boy, you can churn those out.

Did you sleep well?

That isn't what you're wearing to a house of worship.

House of worship? We're going to the house of pant.

Why don't you run along and change into that dress I made you? The doryly one?

Well, I would like to, but my church is a little drafty, and I don't think the

good Lord would want me to have chilly legs.

I'm so hungry, I cannot wait to stick my teeth into some Belgian waffles. Oh, me

too, and that'll be a nice treat for us all when we finish going to church

together as a family.

Ellie, we haven't been to... Your church? In a long time, why don't we go

Oh, but, uh, your church is so much nicer.

Ellen's church is kind of drafty.

But... Our church is clear across town, and yours is so much closer.

Really? Well, but my church just recently had the big rat scare.

And I don't think they got them all, so...

Well, better a rat scare than a

radon leak at our church.

Well, why don't we let...

me decide.

Huh?

Rat church.

This is your regular church, dear? Oh, yeah. Every Sunday. Wouldn't miss it.

Yeah. Got a haircut, huh?

Only place I feel like I really fit in.

at my church, and Joe, you're my boyfriend.

I prefer life, partner.

Ellen, you know me. I can't lie. I'm a terrible liar, especially... Hi, Grammy.

I'm Audrey.

Welcome to Ellen's bookstore, which she owns and didn't sell.

I thought you remodeled after the earthquake.

Oh, so you like it. Great.

Wonderful to meet you. I just want you to know that my intentions are

honorable. Planning a big church wedding, lots of kids. Isn't that right,

Pumpkin? No, not in front of Grammy.

Oh, God.

I love you so much. I'm going to leave right now and go get you some flowers.

Oh, you know what? Just knowing you love me that much is enough. Pookie pookie

yum yum.

My heart is so full.

Where's the powder room?

Right up the stairs and through the door, Grammy.

He's a keeper.

A pony.

She's your Grammy. She's not going to be around forever.

And after she's gone, the guilt is going to eat your insides until you're

nothing but bones and lies. Bones and lies!

Don't you pick on my honeybunch. She's perfect just the way she is.

Thank you, Joe.

Now get your hand off my ass.

Halt! Who goes there?

Hey, little Caesar.

Pizza here yet?

I am not Caesar.

I'm merely one of his loyal soldiers.

Oh, you're into your job. That's good.

Hey, listen.

If you introduce me, I'll take over for you at the Vomitarium tonight.

Munich, huh?

You should never look upon one of the Emperor's handmaidens with lust for

Beware the Ides of March.

Oh, it's the Ides of March already? My sundial must have stopped.

I must warn Caesar. Which way to the Appian Way?

You just go to the nickel slots and make a left. Can't miss it.

The Oracle has proclaimed that Jupiter's will must be done.

Okay, you're a freak show.

Hey,

Grammy. You know, they say that no two Dorleys are alike.

Oh, my God, I hope they're right.

Shouldn't we be leaving for dinner?

Oh, dinner reservations aren't until five.

I forgot.

I'm dining with the Let's Eat Lake crowd.

Well, I did try to get those 3 .30 reservations, but they were still

lunch.

I can't tell you how happy I am about you and Joe.

Oh, good, then don't.

And since you're getting married soon, I want you to have something that belongs

to me. Your craftmatic adjustable bed?

My engagement ring.

My grandmother gave it to my mother, my mother gave it to me, and I'm giving it

to you.

Well, why didn't you give it to Mom?

I didn't want her to have it.

I just hope that you and Joe are as happy as your grandfather and I.

God rest his soul.

Grandpa's still alive.

Whatever.

You know, this is the only thing I still have of my mother's, and I'm giving it

to you.

Oh, that, I can't take the ring, though. I mean, how about the black and white

TV with the rabbit ears? Isn't that your mother's?

You're the only one in the family who deserves it. Would you hold still?

Oh, you know, I see so much of myself in you, Ellen.

I mean, a God -fearing woman who runs her own business and is madly in love

a handsome, hard -working man.

That's me.

God -fearing, hard -loving, business -owning Ellen.

I thrice presented Caesar with a kingly crown, which he did thrice refuse.

Well, you're precious.

Are you one of those village people guys that does this stuff? I'm from the

village, yes, the village of Rome.

So it takes a village to raise an idiot, huh?

Excuse me.

Have you seen Caesar?

Brutus loves thee not. Hey, I don't know what kind of rumors are going around,

but Brutus and I are just good friends. No, Caesar, you know, your life is in

great danger. Look, I'm not the regular Caesar.

I'm just filling in.

No.

Caesar.

Hey,

I've been looking all over you. Are you okay?

Fear not for me. Caesar's life is in jeopardy.

What? Unhand me, you tart. I must say Caesar.

Let's get you back to bed. Come on. What would Mark Anthony do if he were here?

Cesar! My leash! My leash!

That's disgusting.

You're right.

Hi, Grammy Rose. Mom. Dad.

Honey Bunch. What are you doing here? I said that I didn't want to lie anymore.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

I am so glad to spend time with you and Joe. I can't wait for the day that I

dance at your wedding.

Oh, well, how can I put this, Grammy?

That's not going to happen.

Hey, I'm not that old.

No, that's not what I mean.

Joe and I aren't getting married.

Oh, no, you two broke up? Oh, how can you even say a thing like that?

No, we never were together. I lied to you.

You lied to me? Yes, I did, and there's more.

I don't still own the bookstore.

I'm not a regular churchgoer, and I hate doilies.

How can you say that? I thought you loved doilies.

I said it there, and it wasn't as hard as I thought, and I think that Grammy

respects me more for being truthful.

Well, think again.

Lois, what do you have to say about this?

What do I have to say about this?

brought you up better than this. I cannot believe that you lied to us.

You, Lois Ellington Morgan, daughter of Rose Ellington, don't believe that I

lied to my mother?

Yes.

Don't make me say that again.

You, Lois Ellington... Okay, okay, okay, for God's sake, stop it.

Okay, Mom, I lied to you.

Harold is retired.

He's not working anymore.

one of them right now.

It's not just about the work. Tell her about the divorce.

Divorce? Oh, just as I always predicted.

I blame you for this, Lois. I always told you you married beneath you.

Not like your sister Fern.

I am a lawyer. Fern married a baker.

She told me he was a congressman.

If there's one thing I cannot abide, it's liars.

Well, you know what?

It's just kind of hard to tell you the truth.

I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, but sometimes you come off as

sort of a... What's the word?

Bitch.

Okay, you've had this discussion.

There's still no reason to lie to me. I've washed my hands of this entire

family. Okay, fine. Then I guess you want your engagement ring back.

Wait. You told me you lost that in our bomb shelter. That was supposed to be

mine.

I was afraid to give it to you because I thought you'd lose it faster than you

lost your virginity to Tommy Hobbs.

Lois, you weren't a virgin when you married me?

Oh, get real, Harold.

Oh, well, look at us. What a family we are. Three generations of liars. Well,

liar, liar, pants on fire.

And it's time we put our pants out.

You're here.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Joe.

Now, for the last time, get your hand off my ass.

Mom, I'm really sorry about all the lies.

Well, I'm sorry that I made it so hard for you to tell the truth.

Here, this is yours.

Oh, that's so sweet. Now, there you go. That's a start for us.

You cannot marry...

me to my chamber. I am unworthy of escorting such a wonderful queen as

Oh, blah, blah, blah. Come on, let's go.

I'll be honored.

So where have you been all night? Well, I was almost subdued by infidels, but

luckily I was able to inform Caesar of the plot against his life.

Oh, of course you did, because you're my brave little soldier.

Let's go.