Original subtitles

Keep this, and I am stepping into my new home.

Oh, finally the world will see me for what I am, a homeowner.

Helen, why do you think I'm so happy right now?

Because of your 7 % commission?

Oh, you're wicked.

Partially.

No, because it makes me so happy to match a client with the house of her

Oh, now for my scrapbook. Yeah, let me get a picture of you and your beautiful

new house. Okay, let me, by the window.

With my gorgeous view of kids playing on my lawn. Get, get off my lawn!

You know where we could do two?

The wood -burning fireplace with the easy gas light star.

Anywhere you want, as long as it's not in front of that hideous wall.

What's so hideous about this wall?

I mean, sure, it's a little bit plain, but nothing a new 97 calendar can't

spruce up. You should see the one I have right now. The month of January is the

two little beagles, they're sticking out of a golf bag.

And you know what they're thinking?

What did we do to get ourselves into this mess?

Oh, Ellen, I'd be lying if I laughed at your little joke.

Why? Well, you used to laugh at my jokes before I bought the house.

No, see, you're still thinking like a renter. Ellen, you own this house. You

change anything you want. And I plan on making drastic changes. This, for

instance, this area will be a roller rink.

Then in the kitchen, there'll be a concession stand, and the bathroom will

where you rent the skates.

Ellen, no, I'm serious. What is it that you have always wanted?

My own Saturday morning cartoon?

You know what I've always wanted?

A nook. A nook.

I've made love in Roddy McDowell's nook.

This is so perfect for a nook.

It would be a great nook, that area. The only thing is, I don't know if I can

afford it. Oh, no, of course you can't afford it, Ellen. That's what being a

homeowner is all about.

Really? Okay, well then, let's do it.

Bring on the wrecking ball.

Ellen Morgan is getting a nook.

Get away from there!

Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Neville and I will now sing a duet.

You know I'm close, I'll keep my promises.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you.

Yeah.

Come on, guys, help me out here, please.

You know, I want to do something nice for Paige, you know? Because you burned

down her kitchen? No, because I love her. And because I burned down her

Nothing says I'm sorry I ruined your appliances quite like new appliances.

Nothing says sorry, sir, you can't afford new appliances quite like my

rating.

What you need is something inexpensive yet personal that says I love you.

Like a Hummel figurine?

They're precious, but I was thinking more along the lines of a tattoo.

Let's not dismiss the Hummel idea out of hand.

If you really want to say I love you, I'd go with the skull with the worm

dangling out of the eye socket.

Of course, I'm a romantic.

How do you think people have a 65 -inch roller blade?

Hi, Ellen.

How'd it go?

Did you get your permit for your little reading nook?

No. Nine -month wait, those nook -hating bastards.

Ellen, my friend Madeline's pretty well -connected. When she says jump, boys

down at City Hall say, how high, and can I get you a cup of coffee while I'm up?

Hello, Madeline?

Joe.

My daddy says you can always get around these things by using an unlicensed

contractor with inferior materials.

Okay, that'll be plan B.

Okay, well, thanks, Madeline. Bye.

She says no problem.

It's done. Just call her, and she'll fax them to you tomorrow. Really?

Yeah. Well, thank you very much, and thank Madeline. Hello, Madeline? No, I

already hung up. Oh, well, I'd like to thank her. You know, why don't I take

two to dinner tomorrow night, De La Luna?

My connections this time, my neighbor's cousin knows the busboy.

Or how about this? Madeline knows the owner.

Well, that's not going to help us when we need more bread, is it?

And I've seen nooks and I've seen crannies, but that's a cranny.

Oh, Ellen, it all sounds just divine.

Oh, well, I have you to thank for it.

And Joe.

My sweet Joe.

I am a lucky woman to have such a wonderful man in my life.

I know what you mean. Yes, I feel the same. I feel so lucky to have him at the

bookstore, my sweet, dear... coffee joke.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Excuse me, I'll just be a minute.

She sure is nice.

Yep, she sure is.

Ellen, if you're wondering about me and Madeline, the answer is yes.

I have a lot of questions. They can't all be yes.

Really?

Wow.

How long have you been seeing her?

Four months now.

Four months? Why didn't you tell me about this?

Well, Madeline's a little older than I am. I didn't want to be judged on

something so irrelevant as age.

Joe, who am I to judge anybody on relationships?

And I only hope that one day, if I have a slightly odd relationship, you two

will not judge me.

Can I laugh?

Anyway, I'm very... I'm happy for you.

Well, thanks.

It feels great to finally get this out in the open. I mean... Do you have any

idea how hard it was for me keeping this a secret?

Living a lie.

Scared of what others might think.

No.

Well, now that you know, I guess everybody else can know.

We can have them all over my place and they can all meet Madeline.

Everybody, really?

Yeah. Okay, let's do that.

I'm terribly sorry.

That was the mayor. He wants us to stop by later for cocktails. Are you up for

that? If we must, we must.

But if he pulls out Scattergories again, I'm going home.

Oh, that's very sweet, Ellen, but totally unnecessary.

I have it. I want to have it. Ellen, please, don't.

Okay. Quite an arm on you there.

Mi casa es su casa.

Joseph, you live like a king.

I don't know.

What I was expecting, Beth. I mean, like maybe fast food wrappers, chicken

bones, and empty bottles.

Like the back of your van.

Amazing TV. What's a 40 -inch? Actually, a 46 -inch. Madeline gave it to me

because I'm such a good snuggler.

A stereo and a laser disc player?

Yeah. Madeline gave me that because I look so good in my silk jammies.

Yowza!

What a fabulous master suite!

I've never seen a canopy waterbed before.

Let me guess, birthday gift from Madeline?

No, just for being me.

Lazy boy?

Oh, this is it. A lazy boy and a 46 -incher. Finally, I'm living the dream.

Madeline gave it to you because you're her lazy boy?

No, that's the reason she gave me the fridge in the bedroom.

Oh, you know what? You better get started eating. Madeline said she's

be a little late.

Can I just bring this over the table, Joe?

No.

Evelyn sure does buy you a lot of stuff.

Yeah, but I get her stuff, too, like flowers and a frame.

And yesterday, I gave her a little bottle of Lavoris I got in the mail.

Nobody does cheese fondue quite like Joseph.

This is cheese, isn't it?

You know what? I finally decided on a tattoo.

Yeah, something very simple like, you know, Paige, I'm sorry I burned down

kitchen.

That's not very romantic.

Well, I think, you know, tattoos are like real estate.

Location, location, location.

I mean, I'm sure Madeline buys me a lot of stuff, but it's not like I'm a kept

man. No, no, I mean, it's not like she pays your rent or anything.

Ellen, she pays my rent.

Well, it's not like she's giving you an allowance.

Oh, Joe.

Well, it's not like she gives it to me. I mean, I earn it. It's on a sliding

scale. Oh, my God.

Ellen, I'm an American gigolo.

Don't be ridiculous, Joe. You're Canadian.

Ellen, what should I do?

Well, you're going to tell her you're going to stop accepting all these gifts.

I mean, it's a question of self -respect. So you don't have a jacuzzi.

have a satellite dish. You have to work longer hours at the bookstore to make

ends meet. So what?

Ellen, seriously, what am I going to do?

trying to cut corners because this is getting kind of expensive. So you get a

six up and you get a I can't believe it's not cola.

Good work. Look at all this.

What are these, two by fours? Three by fives? Eight by tens? What?

I can see my neighbor.

Oh, boy, I hope he's in the circus.

Hey, Ellen.

Hey, Joe.

How do you like my hole?

Nice. Yeah. When it's done, I want you and Madeline to come over and help me.

Actually, Madeline and I broke up.

What? Well, last night when she was leaving, she was shoving mad money into

robe pocket. It hit me.

I'm definitely a kept man.

You were right. And I told her what you said.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Was she upset?

Well, she said if I didn't want her gifts, then I didn't want her.

So I gave them all back.

Oh, poor Madeline.

Poor Madeline. I've got to come up with next month's rent.

Okay, guys. Hey, we're out of here.

Well, all righty. Have a good lunch. Listen, there's a little pizza place

the corner you should try. They have some excellent lasagna and some salad.

Take your time.

We're not coming back.

What? Your permit's been revoked. You can't leave my hole like this. I've got

hole in the... The wrath of Madeline.

All right, all right. Don't panic. I can live with this till my permit comes

through. This is not a big deal. I can just...

What a surprise.

You invited me.

Oh.

That's true. I ordered some wine. I hope you like Merlot. Ellen, you have got 15

minutes. Talk.

But not about Joe.

Okay, um, we have a mutual Canadian friend.

Let's call him Moe.

And, uh, Moe has this friend, Helen. And Helen has a hole in her wall because

they took her permit away. Now, Helen doesn't think it's fair because Moe's

one who... You know what Joe said?

He said he felt like a kept man.

Ellen, do you think I was keeping him?

Well, I mean, I... Well, of course I was keeping him.

How the hell else can a woman like me hold on to a man like Joe?

Lots of ways. Look at you. I mean, you're a lovely lady.

And one day this lady will meet a fellow.

I know that it's much more than a hunch.

Well, yes, but it won't be Joe.

Ellen, do you have any idea what a great lover Joe is?

No, I don't.

But I'm sure he's up there with the best of them.

That's what they have for specials. He liked to talk in bed.

Oh, I just love it when a man does that, don't you?

Yeah, oh, that's, yeah, that's one of the things I love is the talking, yeah.

What I love is when they read from the TV guy. That way it's sexy and I know

which programs to watch.

How about when they want you to be the aggressor? Oh, don't you just think that

is divine?

Yes, I do.

I'm the aggressor, they call me.

Yeah. Sometimes I don't even sleep with them. I just make them vacuum my room

and it just drives them wild.

Oh, Ellen, I can't tell you how delightful it is to find someone who

discuss sex as much as I do. Oh, I could go on and on.

You know, first thing tomorrow, I'm going to have that permit reinstated.

Oh, it doesn't have to be first thing. You brush your teeth, have some

breakfast.

We should do this again.

Yeah, we should hang out.

Would you like to go to the ballet with me tomorrow afternoon?

Tomorrow afternoon? No, my boss has these weird, well, during working hours

work rules, so... Well, is your boss a basketball fan?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, what do you think he'd say to two floor seats at the next Lakers game?

I think he would say, have fun at the ballet.

So, how'd it go with the tattoo?

Piece of cake like nothing at all. You know, it didn't feel a thing.

So let's see it.

It's actually really personal, you know. It's an expression of love between

Paige and me.

Okay. Drop him, Romeo.

So basically, we're just staring at your ass.

Apparently so.

Wait, I think I see it. It's dolphin.

I couldn't do it. I was lying there on the table with my pants around my

and I thought of so many different ways to say, Paige, forgive me, better than a

tattoo. You chickened out.

Yeah.

I got her a watch.

Hey, good morning.

Here's some coffee.

Ooh, nice cup.

Oh, thanks. Madeline gave it to me.

What?

Madeline happens to be good friends with Donna Karan. There was an extra one

laying around the showroom floor, so they gave it to me, okay? Don't give me

that look.

Uh -huh.

Ellen, what happened to your fingernails? They're not too down to the

It's called a manicure, Audrey.

Madeline and I were on Rodeo having lunch. We passed this divine little nail

shop, and I couldn't say no.

Remember when I used to go to the theater in my new Donna Karan jacket

freshly manicured nails?

You know, you didn't have to give everything back, Joe. Oh, yes, I did.

If I wanted to look in the mirror and see a soul.

See, I don't think that is going to happen to me. I'm afraid not.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I forgot my earrings.

Can you do that tattoo again?

Thanks. I've got to run.

Don't forget, tennis tomorrow morning at 9.

All right. Ta -ta. Ta -ta.

Oh, rematch with the Ralph Lauren's. There are two of them, you know.

So you and Madeline seem to be hitting it off.

Oh, the shopping, you mean? Well, I needed to pick up a few things.

Ellen, it's just that we've never seen you dress like this before.

Remember I had this shirt with a matching hat?

Well, you were in a softball league.

Ellen, face it. You're a kept woman.

Ooh, this is getting exciting.

I am not a kept woman. These are not gift gifts. They're just gifts for thank

yous, for being me.

Where have I heard that before?

This is very different, Joe. She is not buying me TVs and couches and paying my

rent because I'm a good snuggler, which I am.

I'm just...

Because I like her. She's my friend.

Oh, really?

If she's such a good friend, and there's such a great friendship, the next time

she calls, try saying no.

Then see how good that friendship is. All right, I will.

And I hope you kept the receipts. I'm sure she did.

Oh, Alan, it is all so beautiful.

Thanks for the tour.

Oh, sure.

There's another one in 15 minutes if you want to stick around.

Oh, listen, uh...

Ellen, I almost forgot. Tonight we're going to have dinner at Morton's, and

we're going over to hear Yo -Yo Ma at Shaquille O 'Neal's house.

Then I'll pick you up at 7. I can't make it tonight. I promised Audrey I'd do

laundry with her.

Oh, laundry?

Oh, so do that another night.

Oh, I can't. This is a special... This morning I put some clothes in a special

pre -soak. It's a brand -new kind of detergent that's not even on the market

yet. You probably won't... Don't go looking for it. It's called Out...

Damn Spots.

Look, it's okay to spend some time with your little friends, but, you know,

after all, I am offering you something just a bit more exciting.

Yes, yes it is. I'm a big Shaq fan, and Lord knows I love yo -yo, but that's not

the point. The point is, I have other plans.

Ellen, I will be very disappointed if you don't come with me tonight.

Disappointed sad, or disappointed like I'll wake up with a horse's head in my

bed?

The second one.

Madeline, I, um...

I have to break up with you.

This is getting weird.

I mean, I give you my time and you give me gifts. And not that I don't love the

gifts. I do. But that's not what real friendship is all about.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, my friends and I, we just hang out all the time. We do nothing.

Nobody gives anybody anything. It's great.

Ah.

Well, I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You're not an old dog.

I was talking about you.

What about the gifts?

I suppose you're going to want to return all of them to me, huh? No. No,

actually, that's where I think Joe went wrong.

See, I think that you can hang on to certain mementos from a relationship and

not be compromised.

Well,

yes, you can have that memento because I have the whole.

Well, goodbye, Ellen.

Goodbye, Madeline.

Hey, you don't have to leave just because she tore the thing down. Oh,

do.

It can't be that hard.

Two -by -fours and nails and a hammer and a really, really big calendar.

Oh, what a cute little... Hello, little puppy.

Cute little puppy, hello.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. I... I... Very, very lovely daughter.