Original subtitles

Compatriots, me all. Gather around and hear what the stars have in store for

you. Oh, Ellen, I'm reading horoscopes. Well, that's what I pay you for, huh?

Here's yours.

Aquarian chip.

Jupiter is rising.

You're a sucker for frilly dresses, so put one on and bat those long lashes all

month long.

Is that me or what?

Here's mine.

Lady Taurus.

If no bull, you'll meet the matador of your dreams the night of the fourth. He

may be closer than you think.

First of all, say thank you.

Thank you? Why am I saying that?

Because when I tell you where I am taking you on Saturday, you are going to

Okay, who in the world do you most want to meet?

I know, but I feel like I should want to meet her.

You were invited to a surprise birthday party for... You know who?

I don't know who. It doesn't say who.

That's how hip it is.

John Travolta.

Scout's honor.

You know, when I was a kid, I waited in line five hours at a mall just to get my

T -shirt signed by one of the sweat hogs. And by the time I got to the front

the line, the only sweat hog left was Horshack.

And that's Horshack's law for you. You go through life expecting Barbarino, and

it's Horshack every time.

Well, I'm giving you a second chance. So, Saturday, 1 a .m.

In the morning, 1 a .m.? That's how hip it is. That's hip.

And we're going in a limo. Oh, my God.

Going in a limo. John Travolta going in a limo. John Travolta going in a limo.

John Travolta. Who else is going to be there?

Your basic Willis's. You're a lot of smoresets.

You're Tarantino's. My Tarantino's?

Ellen, my name is really starting to mean something in this town.

Take a look.

Look out, world, because representative from Tri -Global Pictures and guests are

on their way.

I've got no opening titles that I can call my own. If I don't get some titles,

swear I'm going home. I'm going to stay there.

my tub.

If I don't get some opening titles, I swear I'm gonna quit this job.

Okay, what do you think, huh?

Hip, comfortable, and suitable for any and all dances the evening may require.

can go straight from this into this.

So much is a wrinkle.

Very hot.

You're not ready yet, are you?

Oh, no, no.

Yes, no.

Now I'm ready.

That's a lot of makeup.

What is all this? What's this going to... Eyebrow gel.

Helps keep them in place.

I say, if it needs that much maintenance to keep your eyebrows in shape, shave

them off, draw them in.

That's what my grandma does.

Come on, try some.

I know you want to. I don't want to.

Ah, why not? It's a special night. Come on, do it.

Ooh, tickles.

Oh, my God, I'm a French whore.

Hey, Al, which shirt should I wear to the shindig?

No, he is not going to this party.

The one that matches the new pants, right? Or the T -shirt that brings out

new pants?

but doesn't say, hey, look at my pants.

Well, it's possible in my excitement I made him feel invited, but I certainly

didn't invite him. I mean, yeah, sure, I said come to the party, but how he got

you're invited out of that, I don't know.

Get uninvited out of this. You're not invited.

It's not about me wanting to go to some phony Hollywood party, okay? I just will

not allow my cousin to go out at this hour unescorted, okay? If it's wrong to

care about my family, then...

Guilty as charged. Take me away to I -care -about -people prison.

Ellen?

I did not invite them. I mean, you know, it's true that I said Spence is going.

It'd be fun if y 'all came, too. But, you know, and when you think about it,

it's really not fair for us to go to an exclusive party where other people don't

get to go.

Ellen, people must be excluded so that we...

Paige, you're living on borrowed karma as it is.

No, no way.

Paige, if you think I'm going to let Ellen go out at this hour... Sorry, man,

already used it.

All right, the truth.

I just found out that my high school sweetheart, Becky Littlefoot, got

And I don't want to be alone tonight.

First girl I ever kissed, Becky was.

She'd take her long hair and wrap it around. Okay, fine.

Fine. You can go.

But you are going to owe me. And I don't know what it is. And I don't know when.

But you can rest assured it's going to be big.

We are going to have the time of our lives. There is wildlife out there. And

once, we're not going to be watching it on MTV News. We're going to be watching

it from the other side of the room.

will be right down. He works for us.

Well, I know, but I've always had a problem with people serving me.

That's why I had to let the butler go.

Hold on, hold on.

Before the Beverly Hillbillies get into the limo, let's have a little lesson in

limo etiquette, shall we? It's gonna be a long lesson because I should call the

limo driver and tell him we're gonna be a what?

Rule one.

Don't fraternize with the driver because then it makes you look like a first

-timer.

Rule two.

Be cool.

You don't see Spielberg calling from the car phone saying, Guess where I'm

calling you from.

Just act like you've been in a limo all your life.

Hello? Hi!

I... Excuse me, I'm Ellen.

I'm Sergey. I will be your driver.

I have made my pickup. Oh, driver.

Sergei. Let's try not to tie up the line. If it rings, it'll be for me and

get it. Thanks.

Travolta's people have the number and they're going to call us and let us know

where the party is.

You don't know where the party is?

Of course you don't know where the party is, Audrey. That's how hip it is.

You don't know where the party is?

We have to keep it a secret to keep out the riffraff.

Or at least that's the theory anyway.

I know it's downtown somewhere.

Driver.

Do you smell that?

Ew, I smell it too.

Oh, permit me to apologize.

I drove Robin Williams home from the gym today.

Let's open the sunroof. Our hair will bud.

Here, let me take care of this.

Oh,

my brand new pants.

Thank you.

Audrey, I think that's vodka.

Oh, vodka and perfume.

Reminds me of my mom.

What am I going to do now? There's only one thing I can't do. Sorry, ladies and

gentlemen, but officially, dropping trial. Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not really an expert on limo etiquette, but I would think this would

really great rule number four.

I'm not going to this party smiling like a cheap film executive, all right? I'm

putting him up to the bat.

Sergey, my man, can you turn on the heater?

No, it's hot already and my hair will wilt. I got an idea.

Give me your pants.

What? What are you doing? Give me your pants.

Trust me, I own a bookstore.

Here's the pants.

an emergency pair of pants on you, would you?

Can't believe you lost my pants. You know what? Too bad you weren't in them.

You know, I don't want to point any fingers, but in a way, this is all our

fault. In what way?

In a way that I can't quite articulate or back up with any strata of logic, but

is.

The wind was coming from the northwest. The pants were a pima cotton.

Figuring that in, they could be anywhere. You people are pathetic.

How hard is it to find a man's pants?

You cannot run around in your underwear. This is downtown, not Hollywood.

Pants! I think I found them! Are these your pants? Let's see. They were in the

street. They're either mine or Hugh Grant's.

Oh, great. The roadkill.

Pants! Pants on!

Let's go!

What's that?

Sounds like a ringing.

that we missed that call.

Where else am I going to have a chance to be in a room with that many major

players? I'm not in AA.

You heard it ringing. Why didn't you get it?

You yell at me, don't pick up phone.

I don't want to be yelled at. I don't pick up phone.

Nobody listens to God. I was expecting a call, Sergei. Hey, hey, hey, it's not

Sergei's fault.

Where he comes from, people are taught to do what they're told. Isn't that

right, Sergei?

If you don't do as you're told.

Secret police comes in the middle of the night and takes you away.

Where's that, Sergei?

Salt Lake City.

Look, why don't we all take a lesson from my pants, bid the evening a nice

for Donya, and get the hell home.

We're just going to give up. Oh, that's a good attitude, yeah.

Hi, I'm Columbus, and I don't know the exact address of the New World, and the

Nina ran over my pantaloons, so I'm just going to turn around and sail back.

Ellen's right.

You know what? Forget it. It's hopeless.

I mean, what idiot doesn't know how to pick up a ringing phone?

What's that?

I think he's crying.

He's not crying.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay, so let me get this straight.

Not okay to talk to limo driver, but okay to make him cry, huh, Paige?

Everybody I've ever met from Salt Lake has been overly emotional.

Where's he going?

Not a good neighborhood.

Why is the limo driver getting out of the car?

Maybe he just needs a moment alone.

You all have to apologize to Sergei.

No way. I would eat iceberg lettuce before I would go out there in a pod.

Hey, Slarklimo.

Hello. Hi. Sorry we missed your call earlier. We were in the hot tub.

You know how it is, driving and bathing.

Where is the party?

1121 North Figueroa. All right. Yeah. See you then.

Ciao, baby.

Wait, what about my pants?

You're good man, Sergei. We're way out of line.

What size pants do you wear?

I'm asking.

You are very qualified for what you do.

You hate me.

Oh, no.

I don't hate you. How could I possibly hate you?

I don't care enough about you to hate you.

you say, Sergei?

Apology accepted.

I'll take you to your sweetheart.

Sergei, you are a mouse turned into a coachman.

It is your responsibility to get Cinderella to her Prince Charming.

Drive like you have never driven before.

Hey, you okay there, buddy?

Yeah, you see, I was crying so much I lost my contact lens.

Oh, no worry. Just take me to Olympic Boulevard. That'll be fine.

You know what you're doing. Yes, I do. Driving limos like driving a big car.

Really big car.

Ellen, I don't want my dream man's first view of me to be a chalk outline on the

sidewalk.

Slow down.

Oh, relax.

Just how these limos ride.

Baby like this, 75 feels 90.

Ellen, if you're going 75, you're going too fast.

Shut up, pants boy. I'm getting us to the party.

I can't believe you drove 90 miles an hour just to get us back exactly where

started. This is not the same alley. All these streets look alike downtown.

Oh, great.

It's 315.

At this rate, by the time we get there, the only celebrities left are going to

be Fred Savage and Kiki D.

Pizza box. It's got stuck in the wheel well.

Is it a large?

Oh, what does that matter?

Well, a large has eight slices and a medium has... Come on! Oh, let's go!

You wouldn't happen to have an emergency set of keys, would you?

Thurman sent it to Becky for a wedding present.

Now I'm going to have to give her that keg emulsion she's registered for.

This town blows!

In New York, there's a payphone in every corner. None of them work, but they got

them. And cabs? Where are the cabs?

You have to call for a cab. Oh, what a thriving metropolis.

What time is it? It doesn't matter what time it is. Okay, it's late. All right,

everybody's tired. We figure out a way to get out of here. We're going home.

Listen, mister, you'll say anything to go home because your pants look like a

parking lot. But when the stars tell me that tonight I'm meeting the man of...

Can't listen to it anymore. It's a horoscope.

All right, the stars are big balls of gas, millions of miles away.

They're not a dating service.

Besides, it has not been tonight for three hours. It's officially tomorrow.

a good time this doesn't look like a very good party oh yeah you sure you got

the right address yeah one one two one figueroa that's the address but it's

completely dark and deserted there's not a single soul in sight thank you for

that bulletin from the department of the obvious hey how hip is this huh it's

it's uh 4 30 in the morning we're the first to arrive uh ellen there's no

on Travolta twice.

No, because I've been good. I've lived an honest life. I recycle. I don't

separate. Ellen, it's over.

Over?

Look, as much as I hate to admit it, it's time to cut our love.

You're right.

We tried our best, but it's time to give up and let the night win. You'll be...

Mr. Travolta, I...

I can't tell.

That was the worst hot fudge sundae I've ever had.

It was a Denver omelet.

No wonder it came with toast.

Except for the tummy tightening exercises, I'm never going to believe

read in Cosmo again.

What are you doing, Ellen?

Signing my sweat hogs t -shirt.

To Ellen, wish you'd made it to my party. Maybe I'll catch you in 2015.

Love, your friend Johnny T.

prize I gave myself.

Excuse me.

Could I borrow some sweet and low or equal or one of those squeezy pears

with honey?

Oh, my God.

Horseshack flaw.

No, I need it for my team. I threw it a shot. I was up all night seeing Summer

Lovin' with Uma Thurman at this party.

I don't believe we've met.

Audrey Penny.

Ron.

Polillo, hello.

Audrey Penny.

Do you believe in destiny, Ron Polillo?

You know, if you had asked me that a few minutes ago, I would have said, no.

Now I'm not so sure.