All language subtitles for ellen_s03e13_horshack_s_law

Compatriots, me all. Gather around and
hear what the stars have in store for

you. Oh, Ellen, I'm reading horoscopes.
Well, that's what I pay you for, huh?

Here's yours.

Aquarian chip.

Jupiter is rising.

You're a sucker for frilly dresses, so
put one on and bat those long lashes all

month long.

Is that me or what?

Here's mine.

Lady Taurus.

If no bull, you'll meet the matador of
your dreams the night of the fourth. He

may be closer than you think.

First of all, say thank you.

Thank you? Why am I saying that?

Because when I tell you where I am
taking you on Saturday, you are going to

Okay, who in the world do you most want
to meet?

I know, but I feel like I should want to
meet her.

You were invited to a surprise birthday
party for... You know who?

I don't know who. It doesn't say who.

That's how hip it is.

John Travolta.

Scout's honor.

You know, when I was a kid, I waited in
line five hours at a mall just to get my

T -shirt signed by one of the sweat
hogs. And by the time I got to the front

the line, the only sweat hog left was
Horshack.

And that's Horshack's law for you. You
go through life expecting Barbarino, and

it's Horshack every time.

Well, I'm giving you a second chance.
So, Saturday, 1 a .m.

In the morning, 1 a .m.? That's how hip
it is. That's hip.

And we're going in a limo. Oh, my God.

Going in a limo. John Travolta going in
a limo. John Travolta going in a limo.

John Travolta. Who else is going to be
there?

Your basic Willis's. You're a lot of
smoresets.

You're Tarantino's. My Tarantino's?

Ellen, my name is really starting to
mean something in this town.

Take a look.

Look out, world, because representative
from Tri -Global Pictures and guests are

on their way.

I've got no opening titles that I can
call my own. If I don't get some titles,

swear I'm going home. I'm going to stay
there.

my tub.

If I don't get some opening titles, I
swear I'm gonna quit this job.

Okay, what do you think, huh?

Hip, comfortable, and suitable for any
and all dances the evening may require.

can go straight from this into this.

So much is a wrinkle.

Very hot.

You're not ready yet, are you?

Oh, no, no.

Yes, no.

Now I'm ready.

That's a lot of makeup.

What is all this? What's this going
to... Eyebrow gel.

Helps keep them in place.

I say, if it needs that much maintenance
to keep your eyebrows in shape, shave

them off, draw them in.

That's what my grandma does.

Come on, try some.

I know you want to. I don't want to.

Ah, why not? It's a special night. Come
on, do it.

Ooh, tickles.

Oh, my God, I'm a French whore.

Hey, Al, which shirt should I wear to
the shindig?

No, he is not going to this party.

The one that matches the new pants,
right? Or the T -shirt that brings out

new pants?

but doesn't say, hey, look at my pants.

Well, it's possible in my excitement I
made him feel invited, but I certainly

didn't invite him. I mean, yeah, sure, I
said come to the party, but how he got

you're invited out of that, I don't
know.

Get uninvited out of this. You're not
invited.

It's not about me wanting to go to some
phony Hollywood party, okay? I just will

not allow my cousin to go out at this
hour unescorted, okay? If it's wrong to

care about my family, then...

Guilty as charged. Take me away to I
-care -about -people prison.

Ellen?

I did not invite them. I mean, you know,
it's true that I said Spence is going.

It'd be fun if y 'all came, too. But,
you know, and when you think about it,

it's really not fair for us to go to an
exclusive party where other people don't

get to go.

Ellen, people must be excluded so that
we...

Paige, you're living on borrowed karma
as it is.

No, no way.

Paige, if you think I'm going to let
Ellen go out at this hour... Sorry, man,

already used it.

All right, the truth.

I just found out that my high school
sweetheart, Becky Littlefoot, got

And I don't want to be alone tonight.

First girl I ever kissed, Becky was.

She'd take her long hair and wrap it
around. Okay, fine.

Fine. You can go.

But you are going to owe me. And I don't
know what it is. And I don't know when.

But you can rest assured it's going to
be big.

We are going to have the time of our
lives. There is wildlife out there. And

once, we're not going to be watching it
on MTV News. We're going to be watching

it from the other side of the room.

will be right down. He works for us.

Well, I know, but I've always had a
problem with people serving me.

That's why I had to let the butler go.

Hold on, hold on.

Before the Beverly Hillbillies get into
the limo, let's have a little lesson in

limo etiquette, shall we? It's gonna be
a long lesson because I should call the

limo driver and tell him we're gonna be
a what?

Rule one.

Don't fraternize with the driver because
then it makes you look like a first

-timer.

Rule two.

Be cool.

You don't see Spielberg calling from the
car phone saying, Guess where I'm

calling you from.

Just act like you've been in a limo all
your life.

Hello? Hi!

I... Excuse me, I'm Ellen.

I'm Sergey. I will be your driver.

I have made my pickup. Oh, driver.

Sergei. Let's try not to tie up the
line. If it rings, it'll be for me and

get it. Thanks.

Travolta's people have the number and
they're going to call us and let us know

where the party is.

You don't know where the party is?

Of course you don't know where the party
is, Audrey. That's how hip it is.

You don't know where the party is?

We have to keep it a secret to keep out
the riffraff.

Or at least that's the theory anyway.

I know it's downtown somewhere.

Driver.

Do you smell that?

Ew, I smell it too.

Oh, permit me to apologize.

I drove Robin Williams home from the gym
today.

Let's open the sunroof. Our hair will
bud.

Here, let me take care of this.

Oh,

my brand new pants.

Thank you.

Audrey, I think that's vodka.

Oh, vodka and perfume.

Reminds me of my mom.

What am I going to do now? There's only
one thing I can't do. Sorry, ladies and

gentlemen, but officially, dropping
trial. Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not really an expert on limo
etiquette, but I would think this would

really great rule number four.

I'm not going to this party smiling like
a cheap film executive, all right? I'm

putting him up to the bat.

Sergey, my man, can you turn on the
heater?

No, it's hot already and my hair will
wilt. I got an idea.

Give me your pants.

What? What are you doing? Give me your
pants.

Trust me, I own a bookstore.

Here's the pants.

an emergency pair of pants on you, would
you?

Can't believe you lost my pants. You
know what? Too bad you weren't in them.

You know, I don't want to point any
fingers, but in a way, this is all our

fault. In what way?

In a way that I can't quite articulate
or back up with any strata of logic, but

is.

The wind was coming from the northwest.
The pants were a pima cotton.

Figuring that in, they could be
anywhere. You people are pathetic.

How hard is it to find a man's pants?

You cannot run around in your underwear.
This is downtown, not Hollywood.

Pants! I think I found them! Are these
your pants? Let's see. They were in the

street. They're either mine or Hugh
Grant's.

Oh, great. The roadkill.

Pants! Pants on!

Let's go!

What's that?

Sounds like a ringing.

that we missed that call.

Where else am I going to have a chance
to be in a room with that many major

players? I'm not in AA.

You heard it ringing. Why didn't you get
it?

You yell at me, don't pick up phone.

I don't want to be yelled at. I don't
pick up phone.

Nobody listens to God. I was expecting a
call, Sergei. Hey, hey, hey, it's not

Sergei's fault.

Where he comes from, people are taught
to do what they're told. Isn't that

right, Sergei?

If you don't do as you're told.

Secret police comes in the middle of the
night and takes you away.

Where's that, Sergei?

Salt Lake City.

Look, why don't we all take a lesson
from my pants, bid the evening a nice

for Donya, and get the hell home.

We're just going to give up. Oh, that's
a good attitude, yeah.

Hi, I'm Columbus, and I don't know the
exact address of the New World, and the

Nina ran over my pantaloons, so I'm just
going to turn around and sail back.

Ellen's right.

You know what? Forget it. It's hopeless.

I mean, what idiot doesn't know how to
pick up a ringing phone?

What's that?

I think he's crying.

He's not crying.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay, so let me get this straight.

Not okay to talk to limo driver, but
okay to make him cry, huh, Paige?

Everybody I've ever met from Salt Lake
has been overly emotional.

Where's he going?

Not a good neighborhood.

Why is the limo driver getting out of
the car?

Maybe he just needs a moment alone.

You all have to apologize to Sergei.

No way. I would eat iceberg lettuce
before I would go out there in a pod.

Hey, Slarklimo.

Hello. Hi. Sorry we missed your call
earlier. We were in the hot tub.

You know how it is, driving and bathing.

Where is the party?

1121 North Figueroa. All right. Yeah.
See you then.

Ciao, baby.

Wait, what about my pants?

You're good man, Sergei. We're way out
of line.

What size pants do you wear?

I'm asking.

You are very qualified for what you do.

You hate me.

Oh, no.

I don't hate you. How could I possibly
hate you?

I don't care enough about you to hate
you.

you say, Sergei?

Apology accepted.

I'll take you to your sweetheart.

Sergei, you are a mouse turned into a
coachman.

It is your responsibility to get
Cinderella to her Prince Charming.

Drive like you have never driven before.

Hey, you okay there, buddy?

Yeah, you see, I was crying so much I
lost my contact lens.

Oh, no worry. Just take me to Olympic
Boulevard. That'll be fine.

You know what you're doing. Yes, I do.
Driving limos like driving a big car.

Really big car.

Ellen, I don't want my dream man's first
view of me to be a chalk outline on the

sidewalk.

Slow down.

Oh, relax.

Just how these limos ride.

Baby like this, 75 feels 90.

Ellen, if you're going 75, you're going
too fast.

Shut up, pants boy. I'm getting us to
the party.

I can't believe you drove 90 miles an
hour just to get us back exactly where

started. This is not the same alley. All
these streets look alike downtown.

Oh, great.

It's 315.

At this rate, by the time we get there,
the only celebrities left are going to

be Fred Savage and Kiki D.

Pizza box. It's got stuck in the wheel
well.

Is it a large?

Oh, what does that matter?

Well, a large has eight slices and a
medium has... Come on! Oh, let's go!

You wouldn't happen to have an emergency
set of keys, would you?

Thurman sent it to Becky for a wedding
present.

Now I'm going to have to give her that
keg emulsion she's registered for.

This town blows!

In New York, there's a payphone in every
corner. None of them work, but they got

them. And cabs? Where are the cabs?

You have to call for a cab. Oh, what a
thriving metropolis.

What time is it? It doesn't matter what
time it is. Okay, it's late. All right,

everybody's tired. We figure out a way
to get out of here. We're going home.

Listen, mister, you'll say anything to
go home because your pants look like a

parking lot. But when the stars tell me
that tonight I'm meeting the man of...

Can't listen to it anymore. It's a
horoscope.

All right, the stars are big balls of
gas, millions of miles away.

They're not a dating service.

Besides, it has not been tonight for
three hours. It's officially tomorrow.

a good time this doesn't look like a
very good party oh yeah you sure you got

the right address yeah one one two one
figueroa that's the address but it's

completely dark and deserted there's not
a single soul in sight thank you for

that bulletin from the department of the
obvious hey how hip is this huh it's

it's uh 4 30 in the morning we're the
first to arrive uh ellen there's no

on Travolta twice.

No, because I've been good. I've lived
an honest life. I recycle. I don't

separate. Ellen, it's over.

Over?

Look, as much as I hate to admit it,
it's time to cut our love.

You're right.

We tried our best, but it's time to give
up and let the night win. You'll be...

Mr. Travolta, I...

I can't tell.

That was the worst hot fudge sundae I've
ever had.

It was a Denver omelet.

No wonder it came with toast.

Except for the tummy tightening
exercises, I'm never going to believe

read in Cosmo again.

What are you doing, Ellen?

Signing my sweat hogs t -shirt.

To Ellen, wish you'd made it to my
party. Maybe I'll catch you in 2015.

Love, your friend Johnny T.

prize I gave myself.

Excuse me.

Could I borrow some sweet and low or
equal or one of those squeezy pears

with honey?

Oh, my God.

Horseshack flaw.

No, I need it for my team. I threw it a
shot. I was up all night seeing Summer

Lovin' with Uma Thurman at this party.

I don't believe we've met.

Audrey Penny.

Ron.

Polillo, hello.

Audrey Penny.

Do you believe in destiny, Ron Polillo?

You know, if you had asked me that a few
minutes ago, I would have said, no.

Now I'm not so sure.