Original subtitles

Hey, are you still working on Christmas cards?

Yeah, just a couple more friends.

Merry Christmas. When I think of having my insurance adjusted, I think of you.

Happy holidays. Love account number 7279.

They gave me a very nice refrigerator magnet last year.

It's nice for you.

Yeah. Hey, you old pain in the butt.

Hi, Mom.

Larry, what's up, you old goat? I just got my skis polished and I am ready to

hit the slopes.

What?

Pneumonia?

What are you, a wuss now?

Come on, what about the skiing?

The chasing women?

Getting hammered back at the lodge?

Come on, it's Christmas!

All right, yeah, yeah. All right, okay.

believe that i can't believe i'm stuck here for christmas no snow no cold uh

hello have you checked the thermometer it is 72 degrees wow better roll down

those sleeves and put the air conditioning on low because old man

i don't believe everybody has plans what am i gonna do what are you gonna do

you're gonna spend christmas without you're gonna have the time of your life

promise you No, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop that, because I've seen the whole

movie, okay? You're not sucking me into your Christmas hell.

That's why I need you. Because I need somebody to roll my eyes with, somebody

nudge under the table, somebody to fake stomach pains and say they need to go

home after an hour.

What's in it for me?

Well, you could continue to live here rent -free and eat out of my fridge and

lay around on the furniture and drink coffee that you're not paying for at the

bookstore.

Deal. All right.

That'll last you through April, and then we renegotiate for Easter brunch.

Hi, I'm Jolie Fisher, and tonight, Ellen asked, well, she insisted that I get a

chance to do the opening title. She said, Jolie, I want you to do it. I kept

saying no, but she is so giving.

She is as nice as everyone says she is.

that you won't be held up to the same high standards as Joseph and myself.

Now, there are four things that you just did wrong.

One, you didn't give him a candy cane after his purchase.

Two, you didn't say, thank you for shopping by the book.

And three, and this is a big one, you didn't charge him.

Are you sure? Because I gave him change.

How's Tad working out?

Great, if you're a customer.

Look, Tad, maybe you should go back to sweeping.

Cool.

Wow, looks like you got all your Christmas shopping done. Yeah, just one

pair of shoes and I can officially cross myself off my list.

Good idea. Get the most important people out of the way first.

I've got great news. What?

I'm bringing Spence with me to your mom's Christmas Eve party.

Amazing. You have absolutely no idea how great news works, do you?

Joe, could I have a latte to go?

I've got to get back out there and find my mom's Christmas present.

She is impossible to please.

Do you think Betty Ford gives gift certificates?

Christmas with us.

He's not going to be able to stay long, probably, because he has a stomach

thing, but... Oh, Ellen, your father and I just did the craziest thing ever.

You got cable?

No, the Humphreys told us about this great Christmas Caribbean cruise deal,

uh, well, it's something we always wanted to do. Yeah, and these Southern

California winters are beginning to take their toll on you, Mother.

So, before we knew it, we'd booked ourselves on the cruise. Oh, well,

great. Yeah.

And we're winging it to Florida on Friday.

Friday? You're winging this Friday before Christmas Friday?

Yeah, and here's the best part, Ellie. On Christmas Eve, they have caroling

Tony Orlando and one of the Dons. Well,

we didn't think you'd mind, honey, because last Christmas all you did was

complain about our family Christmas and our traditions and everything.

That's my favorite tradition.

Well, you can always come cruise with us. They have night shuffleboard, Ellie,

with prizes.

Well, as tempting as that is, I can't just leave the bookstore for two weeks.

Well, we'll just have to celebrate Friday, and then you can drop us off at

airport. Yeah, Friday, but that's not Christmas.

I mean, you know, if it were just me, it's no big deal, but it's... Well, it's

tiny expense I'm really worried about.

Oh, come on, work with us on this, Ellen. The tickets are non -refundable.

Okay, well, I mean, yeah.

After all, Christmas is not a day of the week, right? It's what's in our hearts.

Whatever, dear.

I should warn you, my parents have a tendency to overdo things a little bit.

I bet my dad comes to the door dressed like Santa.

Or Bing Crosby.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Take these out of the car. What are you talking about?

I thought we didn't have to leave until tonight.

We just got a call from our travel agency. Our fight is over, book, and

are getting there six hours early to get a seat.

Well, what about our family Christmas? Well, we'll have it in the car, dear.

But I don't know that tradition.

Little corn on the cob holder.

That's so cute. That's great. They look exactly like little corns. I hope I

don't accidentally eat one thinking it's the corn and bite into it and just keep

eating it until I feel something sharp.

Oh, you know, they should make little Pop -Tart holders because that's what I

always burn myself on.

Oh, I'm glad you like them, dear.

Hey, Spence, if you get right on their butt and flash your lights, they'll

I'm from New York. I think I know how to drive like a jerk.

Anybody for some more ambrosia, Spence? You know, you usually put little

pineapples in your Christmas ambrosia. There's our turn, Spence.

to La Tijera Boulevard, so come on.

Wait a minute. We always sing Christmas carols before we open the big gifts. Oh,

um, all right. How about Hark the Herald Angels sing? That's a quick one. Okay.

Hey, Spence, feel free to join in. You know, it's a family tradition to sing

Christmas carols going 50 on a surface street.

Hark the Herald Angels sing. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Whenever you say Harold, you go, Harold, point to yourself, and then we laugh,

and then we go on.

Okay?

Hark the...

Okay, Spence, it's okay. The light was yellow when you went through it. Oh,

there's the airport entrance. Okay, come on. We've got to exchange our big

gifts. Come on. Okay, let me go first here.

Try it on. He can't try it on. He's driving, Dad.

What's the big deal? I have changed my pants in the 405 going 70 miles an hour.

I don't even have cruise control.

Those are Stan's belt pants, dear.

And here's your big gift, Ellen.

Oh, last time I got an envelope, there were Ice Capades tickets in it.

Section C, row 7, good seats.

Cemetery.

A burial plot? You got me a burial plot?

Merry Christmas!

Honey, we got one for Stevie and his wife, too, but we figured it wouldn't be

family plot without our little Ellie.

And it's right in the heart of Sherman Oaks, just minutes from the freeway.

Last stop. No pun intended.

Pop the trunk, Spence.

Well, I sure do love it. I don't... I already have one. Oh, I'm glad.

I like it. I love you, honey.

And Merry Christmas.

We're going to ship the shore on Christmas Day.

Bye, you guys.

Have fun.

Bye. Bye.

Show a little leg, Lois. You need a sky pack.

I'll trade you.

the weirdest gift in the history of gift giving. You know, it gives me the

shivers thinking about it. Fortunately, I've got this brand new leather coat to

keep me warm. Ooh, you got a present?

It's beautiful.

Ellen, what'd you get? Tell, tell, tell.

Uh, just, you know, some presents and boxes wrapped up in paper, just stuff.

ahead, tell them, Ellen. Tell them what Gomez and Morticia got you for

Christmas.

Squinchies for when my hair gets longer, you know, and a burial plot and a

weather channel bloopers tape.

A burial plot? Did you say burial plot? Well, there's one weather tape.

Supposedly there's a windstorm and the guy's caught in it and his toupee goes

flying off.

Poor, poor Ellen.

Putting on a brave face to hide the pain.

This is not a brave face. This is my real face.

I mean, it's an unusual gift. Granted, it is, but that's what Christmas is all

about, isn't it?

You know, I bet the baby Jesus didn't ask for frankincense and myrrh, huh?

Of course, he was a baby. He couldn't ask for anything, and Santa really

around until he was like in the fourth grade or something.

Why don't we take a tip from Tad here and just forget about our Christmas

and focus on our work?

North Dorm I've ever seen.

Oh, wait, it's slowing down.

No, I was wrong. It's starting back up again.

Thanks for all your help, Dad.

You can go home now.

Wait, I'm not done.

Okay, bye.

Bye, Dad.

Oh, what time you guys want me here next Christmas?

Can you make it 8 .15?

Sure.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Never know which one will be your last, so enjoy it.

Remember this one gift that awaits us all, and that's the grave.

Have a candy cane.

Have a candy cane.

You're scaring the customers.

Because I'm telling the truth, that no matter how happy and successful we all

are, the Grim Reaper awaits us all.

Have a candy cane, please, before you leave.

How's she doing today?

Well, you should have heard her at story time. Let's just say Elizabeth Kubler

-Roth did not play well with the kiddies.

That's okay. I've got just the thing.

Ellen, look.

Ellen.

Carolers. Oh, yeah.

Audrey, there's no North Pole.

spend my Christmas Eve working on my will.

What?

Ellen, don't you think you're being a little melodramatic?

You don't understand.

My parents gave me this gift and now this thing is out there waiting for me.

It's like knowing the last page before you finish reading the book.

But Ellen, we all have the same last page. Well, but mine's in the valley.

You know what?

I know what is going to snap you out of it.

Mom's Christmas Eve party.

We'll all go. I'm going to bring food and drinks and decorations, and Mom

provides the entertainment.

She sings Santa Baby with her dress up over her head and then passes out.

I don't think I'm going to go this year.

Well, then just a quick trip to Candy Cane Lane to see the lights. I don't

to be at my family's till later.

I got a few hours to kill before I meet my friend Buck in Vegas.

I can see a few lights. There you go. Pretty pale. Want to go?

Okay, but we have to make one quick stop first, okay? All right.

You know, when you said quick stop, I thought a pack of gum, a bottle of wine.

Oddly enough, my mind never went anywhere near a graveyard.

Broder, broder, broder. Boy, these broders didn't take very good care of

themselves, did they?

Somebody's in my seat. Usher.

I think you're down here in the box seats.

Ellen, let's go. This is insane.

This place gives me the creeps. You know why cemeteries are so depressing?

resting place.

You know, if I were dead, I'd be home by now.

Ellen, I gotta get to Vegas.

Buck's probably at a cheap buffet right now, eating himself sick. And I hate

missing that.

Look at the Joneses. Oh, beautiful flowers, nice lawn.

How am I supposed to keep up with them?

Ellen, you know, you don't have to be buried here.

You can be frozen.

Yeah, I think it would be fascinating to be alive in the future with all those

incredible advances in science.

Just think of the hair care products they'll have by then.

Freezing is too expensive.

But you could just freeze your head.

Oh, right. And then I'm going to have to rely on other people for rides all the

time. I would hate that.

Ellen, I think it's great to be buried with your family.

Up in Moose Jaw, we've got five generations of ferals buried on my

property. No coffins or anything. We just scatter them around the yard.

We ferals like to return to the earth the way we came in. Simple, pure, and at

one with God.

Yeah, and you should see our garden.

Chalk full of nitrates.

Talk about zucchini.

Well, you've had my Uncle Frank's zucchini bread.

I thought that meant Uncle Frank made it. I didn't know he was in it.

So, Grandma's apple pie?

Uh -huh.

friend will be by your side for all eternity.

We are talking about heaven, right?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, it's Christmas Eve, so let's get out of here.

You know, I'm not really in the partying mood. Why don't you go ahead? I'm going

to stay here.

No, no, no, no. We're not going to leave you in a cemetery on Christmas Eve, all

right, Ellen? Come with us.

I'm not going.

Fine, then neither am I.

Me neither.

So what time do you guys want me to swing back and pick you up?

You know what my favorite Christmas special is?

The one where Burl Ives is riding across the snow -covered hills on an electric

razor.

That's not a special. It's a commercial.

And it's not Burl Ives. It's Santa.

And besides, any thinking person knows that the best special...

is Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol.

Better than Frosty? I think not.

The most pathetic conversation I've ever heard.

Christmas on Walton's Mountain.

I defy you to get through that one with a dry eye.

What about you, Elle? What's your favorite Christmas special?

It's a Wonderful Life.

That's a good one.

You know my favorite scene?

When everybody's bringing George's money and Donna Reed comes in.

She's dead now.

Ma Bailey, dead too.

Uncle Billy, dead.

Lady saving up money for a divorce in case she ever gets a husband, dead.

You know, if I were in It's a Wonderful Life, I'd be running through the streets

at the end and nothing would be different.

I mean, I never saved anyone from drowning. I never went into any bank and

your money's in his house or your money's in her house.

I mean, I tried it once, but it's not the same at an ATM cubicle.

I like that. It's so not true.

Think about it. If you weren't around, I wouldn't have learned how to kayak at

camp.

And I wouldn't have gotten that green suit that looked so good on me that you

made me buy.

And I wouldn't have a best friend.

Yeah, Ellen, if you weren't around, I'd still be stuck in that dead -end

aromatherapy job.

I wouldn't have my fabulous new career as a bookstore customer assistance

technician.

And I wouldn't have a best friend.

Let me tell you something.

Knock me.

You know, if you went around, somebody else would probably own the bookstore,

somebody who'd treat me as an employee and not family, someone who'd notice

I come in late or leave early or when I call in sick when I'm really not or when

I say I'm doing inventory when I'm really in the back reading comic books.

And I wouldn't have a best friend either.

Hey, Al.

A day doesn't go by where you don't have an impact on my life. I mean, if you

hadn't taken me in, I mean, I would have found something to do. I mean, that's

what I do. I'm a survivor.

But, I mean, I would have nowhere near as much fun.

Pfefferness me.

Ellen, listen.

Think about this. If your life wasn't important, would any of us be here?

In a graveyard?

On Christmas Eve?

It just gets sort of an oogie feeling.

I guess you're right.

Oh, God.

Mom's party.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, it's me, Paige.

Oh, Mom, you sound a little tipsy.

You've been in the eggnog again.

Drinking? Sitting.

Mom, I just, I wanted to let you know that we're spending Christmas Eve in the

cemetery.

Happy President's Day to you, too, Mom.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

I enjoy your daughter. Okay, bye.

You know, I can't believe you guys gave up your Christmas Eve to sit here with

me. Ellen, as the star over Bethlehem drew the shepherds, so we were drawn to

you.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad gift after all, huh?

No, it's good.

It's like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.

Doesn't look so great at first, but all it needs is a little love.

Merry Christmas, Ellen Morgan.

Merry Christmas, y 'all.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, you have any more of those decorations, Audrey?

Because the Thompson grave looks a bit shabby.