Original subtitles

Joseph,

qu 'est -ce que c 'est le brouhaha?

You read about this sort of thing in Bean World, but you never think it'll

happen to you.

Cappuccino wrist.

A .K .A. carpal tunnel syndrome.

You need complete wrist rest.

Wrist rest? I can't do wrist rest. People need me.

Joe, if you would just give me a chance, I bet I could... make the coffee. I

have been watching you.

Really? How do you make a double decaf nonfat mocha latte?

Two decaf espressos, two teaspoons of chocolate, pour them into a cup at the

same time, add one quarter cup of steamed nonfat milk, foam on top, cover

chocolate sprinkles.

Good, but I changed my mind. I want a Joe's special.

House blend, cinnamon, dash of vanilla flavoring, low -fat milk, and a

peppermint stick in a tall glass.

Well, I guess you do know your stuff.

The espresso browns are backed up into the steam unit. The pressure gauge is

reading over 100. You've got a code red situation, girly. What do you do? What

do you do?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's all too fast.

All right, sister, you asked for it. Let's walk it off. We'll start again at

,300 hours.

Do you see opening titles in there?

Happiness. I think from there.

Yeah, yeah, opening titles. And a long life. Opening titles.

Oh, I see them. I see them.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, the spirits have left the pool.

You want to know next week's winning lottery number? No, I don't.

Free Willy was a very good movie, but I was very disappointed in Free Willy 2.

I agree. The little boy did not age well. He went from being cute to creepy.

it very interesting that there's a country called Wales, but no whales live

there.

Okay, this might be a good place to wrap up our discussion on Moby Dick.

Give yourself a hand because you were great.

We'll see you next week.

Oh,

Ellen, the mail came.

Just now? It's night.

It is? I lost track of time.

Joe made me detail the Steam Master 2000 with a Q -tip.

Hey,

look at this. I sent a letter in and now they want our group on Book Chat.

Book Chat, that Sunday morning snooze fest where that snotty, uptight fop sits

with a bunch of nerds overanalyzing books? You've seen it. Yeah.

He wants your group.

Yeah. That group.

Well, great news.

You know that show Book Chat?

Drew, I know Book Chat. It is the only television that is most exciting.

What is Sunday morning without a bagel, a steaming hot cup of bludgy bola, and

Book Chat?

Well, leave your bludgy bola at home because we're the next chatters on Book

Chat.

Come on, this is exciting.

Yahoo! No way.

I was on live TV once and I'll never do it again.

I was a contestant on Queen Bird Day.

They make you wear long pants.

Kenny, you always wear long pants.

I just don't like anyone telling me I have to.

Is Book Chat a game show like Nightline?

It's kind of a hard one to answer.

Yeah, but they only have really smart book groups on, and we're, you know, us.

They'll make Lamb Vindaloo out of us.

Oh, nobody's going to make Vindula out of anybody.

You know, maybe we're not the same as other book groups.

I know we're not the same as other book groups, but this will be good for us.

It's the kind of challenge that we need to bring us together and make us focus.

We can do it.

Confounded Ellen speaks the truth.

We are as good as anybody.

Let's go on that show and kick some butt.

Yeah, I mean, we might not have the brains that other groups have, but we

heart. We don't have brains, but we...

Forgive me for being immune to the tyranny of deconstructionism, but it's

surrealism dressed up as magical realism.

Yes, yes, yes. The denotative and the connotative are virtually the same. But

quote Pliny the Elder, A .D. 23 to 79, the best plan is to profit by the folly

of others.

Maybe you shouldn't bring your group on this show.

This is exactly why I should bring them on.

Literature is subjective.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. That's what I like about it.

But them?

They may not be the most intellectual or educated or even literate, but they

have something.

And it may not be apparent to the casual observer or even to me, but they have

something, and it's there, in space.

And so ends our chat about Pat Conroy's beach music.

I'm Eric Matthew Marshall reminding you to read a chapter for me.

Good day.

Mr. Marshall?

Mr. Matthew Marshall? Eric?

Rick? What should I call you? Maybe I shouldn't call you. I'm right here.

Yes, I'm painfully aware of that. Good day.

I'm Ellen Morgan.

Yet another bit of my brain cluttered up with information I'll never need.

From by the book, I was told to stop by here and check things out. You'd assign

a book to a business page.

She's a development executive for movies.

Forgive me, but I think that Hollywood is a purveyor of morally puerile

Forgive me, but you sound like someone who couldn't get anybody to read their

spec script.

Well, forgive me, too.

I don't know why, but just forgive me. I just was, um, going to say thank you,

because our group is very excited about coming on the show. Some are even

getting haircuts.

Yes, that's a very typical reaction.

Next week, we'd like you to discuss Dead Man's Walk. You and the three members

of your group should be here at 9 .30 sharp, dressed in proper attire, no

turtlenecks or dickies.

I have the same rule at my house.

Just to let you know, there's five in the group.

Good for you. Choose three of them.

What? No.

It's a hard and fast book chat rule.

It gets unruly with more people. Everybody talking over each other and

Well, whatnot if two people agree not to talk or take up too much room.

No, no. You see, if I let you, you'd tell Bookstar and then tell Barnes and

Noble and then Anarchy.

So, I'll see you one weekend.

Good day.

Well, you don't have to decide right now. You can take your time and think

it.

He's going to think about it.

Ellen, that's the most delicious ice cream I've ever had.

Guys, which end of the spoon is everybody using?

Let's hear it for the person who got us ice cream.

Let's hear it for the person who got us on book chat.

Okay, yeah, thank you.

You know, I... I've been thinking, and some of what you said really makes a lot

of sense. I mean, it is live TV, and, you know, that can be, you know, kind of

scary, what with long pants and bra straps, you know.

So, who doesn't want to go?

I'm sending my family a videotape of us on the show. Shoot, they'll probably

watch it on Cousin Tiny's big screen TV.

I'll wager they call him Tiny, because in reality, he's very large.

No.

He's tiny.

Hardly anybody even watches the show, you know. Guys, listen. When we're on

show, when one of us says something, I think all the rest of us in the group

should say, good answer, good answer.

You know, I actually went to the set of Book Chat, and Eric Matthew Menendez

told me that I could only bring three of you.

Oh, no.

So, I mean, I think the best thing for us to do is to decide as a group who

to go.

Yes, we can all work this out together.

All in favor of Ellen making the choice, raise your hand and say, Raja

Putirandala. Raja Putirandala.

How did you learn that so fast? No, I can't make that. It is unanimous.

We all want desperately to go.

But it is up to you to choose who among us is the most worthy.

There are more than three of us here.

I'm serious.

Whoa.

Oh, come on now.

You're using darts to decide who goes on loser chat?

Well, Chad, it's the only way. Why don't you try a Ouija board?

I tried that, but it told me to take Mzip, Lipton, and Yulele.

Those are all good choices. Exactly who I would pick.

This is so hard. I've tried everything.

I've flipped coins. I've pulled names out of the hats. I even called my

friend Dionne Warwick.

Here's an idea for you. Why don't you just choose the three smartest?

Okay, the three that are the least likely to embarrass you.

The three that can find the studio.

Hello, Ellen.

Hi, Rajiv.

So how is the decision coming?

It's coming.

Well, talk about your ironic situations.

I just bought this state -of -the -art toaster. Then I realized, golly, I

already have a toaster.

Then I thought, who would be worthy of an appliance such as this?

And popping up like a perfectly brown piece of toast?

Ellen.

It's not a bribe, is it? Oh, I would not think of influencing your decision.

I do feel compelled to note, however, that it is wide enough for bagels.

Do you believe this? I mean, sure, I want bagels that are evenly toasted, but

what price?

You know, I've been watching the book group, and I think you'd be insane not

include Mrs.

Rogers.

How much did she pay you?

Twenty bucks.

For more money, I would have said it like I believed it.

One decision made right there.

Lauren?

Ellen!

Is this your hallway?

I had no idea.

Okay, okay, I guess you've seen through my little parade.

That would be charade.

Well, you say potato, I say potato.

That would be potato.

Uh -uh, no. No, I know that's potato.

Whatever.

He's still not over me, is he?

I think he is, yeah.

Look, Ellen, the reason I'm here is because I didn't want to say this in

of the rest of the group.

I just don't want to be embarrassed on TV, do you know what I mean?

Yes.

I do, and I really appreciate it, so thank you. Phew, because there are some

us in the group that have a case of the dumb. Oh, don't say that. That's not, I

mean, just because you thought Anne Rice was a side dish, that's, you know,

anybody can make that mistake.

No, no, Ellen, I'm talking about Kenny and Mrs. Rogers.

E -I, dumb and dumber.

Karen, let me just say that this is a very tough decision, and there's still a

chance that you may not be on the show.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, I gotta go shop for a TV outfit.

I'm thinking of something in plaid. It's my favorite color.

I'll just make a decision. It's not that hard. I could do it in a second.

Rajit, Karin, Kenny.

Really? You'd pick those three? No, that's just an example of how fast I

choose.

Thank you. Big help.

She's June. I give that a nine.

Hey.

You guys ready to see a movie?

I can't go.

Her head's gonna explode.

Still haven't decided who's gonna be on geek chat yet?

It's book chat.

Paige, these people respect me. They look up to me.

I have to treat this decision with the utmost seriousness.

Have you tried using the bat computer?

Ellen, you can't choose because you're afraid to be the bad guy. You don't want

to hurt anyone's feelings. I can be a bad guy.

Yeah, right.

Have you noticed that every morning she uses a different coffee mug because she

doesn't want to make the other ones feel bad?

They're moms.

I got a better one.

When we were little, every night she would have to say goodnight to everyone

the world. I'm talking plants, animals, inanimate objects.

The morning she found out the Beatles broke up, she was convinced it was her

fault because she left out Ringo.

You guys are starting to tick me off. Really?

Which one? I was just ticking you off more.

Come on, we're just teasing you. Forget about it. Let's go see a movie. Yeah,

you want to see American President or Casino?

Oh, or do you want to see it at 815 or 1005? You want to see Westwood or

City?

I want to see Casino at 1005 in Westwood, and Spence is ticking me off

Unless,

of course, you think Westwood's going to be too crowded.

How's everybody doing?

Good. Okay.

Well,

without any further ado, what is ado?

Do you know what ado? Because if I'm this further, then I must have done some

ado earlier. And I apologize for doing any ado.

Okay.

The three people that I've chosen to go on book chat are

Miss Rogers, Karin, and Will.

It's amazing how Ellen sees beyond small appliances into the very heart of

people.

Well, I'm surprised you can talk with your lips so firmly attached to Ellen's

buttocks.

I think someone should have picked Kenny.

No.

Reminds me of softball when I was a kid.

Whenever I was at bat, all the other kids would say, move in, move in.

We can't hear.

So I'm glad you didn't pick me.

Although if you had, it would have given me the confidence I needed to get me

through the rest of my life.

Hold on, because, you know, I think I made a mistake. I just realized I

I didn't have my reading glasses on when I read this. So I should.

I should probably look at it again. So, oh, yeah, look, that's Kenny and Karn

and Will.

Wait a minute. You picked Kenny instead of me? Once again, in her infinite

wisdom, Ellen has chosen the best three people.

I played cricket, you know, very badly.

another mistake because, you know what, I just realized I don't wear reading

glasses. I don't have any at all. So let me just check again. Oh, yes, it's

Kenny, Ranjit. I have a heart murmur. And Mrs.

Rogers.

Wait a minute.

Ranjit was only picked because he bought you a toaster, Ellen. You snooze, you

lose, Hillbilly.

I'm confused.

Am I in or out?

Oh, you're out.

Oh.

I don't want to hear another word after I say it. This is it.

The people going on book chat are... Miss Rogers,

Karan Ranjit, Kenny Wills.

Wait, wait, wait.

At the risk of sounding like Karan, isn't that all of us?

Yes, it is.

We are a group, and a group is only a group if it stays together, right?

So Eric Milli Vanilli is just going to have to understand that.

for all.

All for one. No brakes!

Welcome to Book Chat.

We have an unusual circumstance this morning, as Ms. Morgan of By the Book

somehow confused our show with a telephone booth at a college fraternity.

This is an outrage.

Two of you are going to have to leave.

I'm sorry, Mr. Marshall. I can't let that happen.

I'm sorry, but all groups must adhere to the rules.

Well, we're not like other groups. We're all for one and one for all.

You're crazy.

Let me finish.

These are people with opinions on books. People with the God -given right to

chat.

Each member of this group offers a vital and unique perspective.

Ranjit has a world view.

Will has the...

each and every six of you, welcome.

Well, it's an honor.

Dead Man's Walk.

What, in your opinion, is the central theme of the story?

Will, would you like to start?

What? Oh.

Okay.

I'm sorry, but I forgot to read it.

You didn't read the book?

Okay.

Miss Rogers?

I forgot to read it, too.

Okay, Karen, can anybody read?

In our lust to be on the show, we lost sight of what is important.

Maybe that's a more important lesson than we could have even gotten from the

book.

Well,

we all got here on time, and no one's wearing a dickie.

That's got to count for something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down on the cinnamon.

I'm doing it my own way now, Joe.

In case you haven't noticed, people have been responding favorably to my coffee.

In fact, some of them are even calling me Coffee Audrey.

Good God, this is like all about Eve except for the espresso.

You know what? I'm feeling a lot better. I don't need this thing anymore.

Oh, no, Joseph. You are not well.

Somewhere in the topic, perhaps?

No, no, I feel great.

Never felt better.