Original subtitles

Step number four, insert the Buellen into the Spranken.

Right.

Buellen. Buellen where the Spranken is the Buellen.

On the stupid bookshelf.

Okay, there's your problem. It's not a bookshelf, it's a Bjork.

It's a Swedish company.

So slide the Mirklin into the Goudar.

And head on over to the smorgasbord and have some Swedish meatballs.

It's fun, see?

Well, you know what? The mu -clin doesn't slide into the goo -dar, so...

see that for a second.

Slide the mu -clin into the goo -dar and then tap gently to secure.

Okey -dokey.

Step number five, repeat, process on either side.

A lot of you have sensed that we're in trouble with our opening titles and have

written in to try to help us out.

Dolly Tidwell of Nashville, Tennessee writes, Dear Ellen, the show should open

with you on horseback, joined by your two brothers, Haas and Little Joe.

Then they should burn a map of your home, the Ponderosa.

Well, you've really captured the flavor of our show.

Perhaps you should watch a few more episodes.

Page Clark's office.

Ms. Clark, are we in for Dylan Richler?

Oh.

Hey, Barrett.

Hi, Nancy.

It's me, Ellen.

Oh, sure.

First name, last. Last name, first. I'm in my destination.

I'm going to Paige's office right here. The only office here.

Oh.

So Joel wants to see a script, and if Michelle says yes, then we powwow with

Alex at Spago's, okay?

So what's going on?

Ellen, what's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were... Nothing. I'm hungry. You want to go? Oh,

you know what? I'm expecting a call, so I asked Barrett to bring lunch in for

us. Is that okay?

All righty.

As long as we get to spend time together.

Oh, that looks good.

There you two.

So, Stu, what's up?

You are so bad.

Is this about the movie?

My movie, The Long Engagement.

That's got to be better than yellow -lighted, which means slow down, or

red light, which means stop, look around, and proceed with caution, which

have been a good idea for the movie Showgirls.

You know, I can't believe it that I've been here only two months, and already

I'm somebody.

My movie is going to get made.

Guess who's going to star in it?

Eric Estrada.

Meg Ryan.

Meg Ryan? You're kidding. I love Meg Ryan.

And, you know, people tell me that I look like her.

Who?

Joe. You know, when he wants time off. And there was a woman at the Gap once

who... Just people. I don't have time to tell you everybody.

It's so scary. I mean, I can almost feel the pressure already.

Pressure? You talk about pressure. You want to see, you're looking at pressure.

You wanted, this morning, in my little kid's reading group, little Gracie

who's a very willful little girl, wanted to read Amelia Bedelia. Uh -huh. And

little Mikey Newman, who's usually a pushover, wanted to read Go Dog Go. Uh

-huh. And, I mean, it was a real standoff. And little Mikey has a lazy

it wasn't really a fair fight.

But anyway, so there's this, you know, if it weren't for M &M's, you're on the

phone, aren't you? Uh -huh.

I'm excited, too, Marty.

I love you too, Marty.

Stop it. You are so bad.

I'm going to go.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare send me flowers, Marty.

I'll call you later.

Be long distance, though, because I'm moving to New Zealand with David

Hasselhoff. We're going to raise sheep.

My butt's on fire.

Hey, Al, what do you think of your Bjork?

It's a little bit lopsided, isn't it?

Yeah, I think you're right. I can fix that.

I did not mean to do that.

What's on your mind, Al?

Paige. I don't believe her. I mean, we're supposed to go to lunch, and if we

don't go to lunch, she makes me just sit there while she talks on the phone. She

talks to Stu. He's bad. She talks to Marty. He's bad, but she loves him. And

have food, and it's bad. Not good bad, but really bad.

What do you expect? She's in the business.

People in the business think they can live by their own special rules, right?

Let me tell you a little show business story. Okay, anyway, is this the story

where you found Nicole Kidman's earring in a supermarket, and she didn't thank

you?

No.

Yes, it is. I told it to you before to illustrate women's inhumanity to man,

okay? I tell it to you now to illustrate this.

Nicole Kidman puts her earrings on one ear at a time like everybody else, okay?

She's just a person.

If she's just a person, how come you've told me that story 16 times?

I'm just trying to help you, Ellen.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I miss Paige. I miss having someone to talk to about the little petty details

my life. Why don't you talk to me? I love the little paid details in your

Okay. This morning in my kids' reading group, little Gracie Stark wanted to

Amelia Bedelia, and then Mikey Newman wanted to read Go Dog Go, and he has

eyes. Hold on. Is this one of the little paid details that didn't interest Paige

during lunch? Yeah.

Couldn't have to side with her on this one.

What else have you got?

I don't get it. The Merklin is supposed to fit into the goudarp, and it's

supposed to slide right in, you know?

It's impossible, actually.

I used to date a Swedish woman.

Hey, sign in, please.

Time and destination.

Listen, I'm sorry. I know I blew you off the other day, but I'm about to make it

up to you.

Guess what we need for one of the most important scenes in my Meg Ryan movie?

A camera?

Film?

Somebody to suck up to the stars?

A bookstore.

Your bookstore.

My bookstore?

Yes. The producer said that they wanted to use another one, but I said no. I

said you can't use another bookstore. You have to use my best friend's

bookstore. My bookstore in a movie?

Yeah, just think of the publicity. I mean, and the best part, we get to hang

out.

My bookstore in a Meg Ryan movie?

Ellen, when you did that just now, you really looked like Meg Ryan.

Really? Was it this part?

When do we do it?

Day after tomorrow.

Listen, I gotta go talk to my people.

Can you believe it?

so that Meg Ryan is shooting her next movie here by the book.

Oh, Paige worked it out?

Bad moon rising, Ellen. That's the evil dead coming out of their graves,

dragging all those good souls down into eternal damnation.

One man talking.

You know, you said the same thing about Chinese chicken salad, and that's all

you eat now.

Excuse me, hi.

I'm Ellen. I own the store. Are you a cameraman?

How are you?

Hi, I'm Ellen. You push the camera? Hi, I'm a dolly grip. Well, hello, dolly.

Hey. Hey.

You have got to be so excited. Your first movie and everything.

I can't do the chit -chat thing right now. I'm responsible for a $30 million

movie. My ass is stripped bare and hanging over the line.

Hollywood expression because otherwise I don't think you should say it.

Where's Meg?

Meg may not exactly be in the scene.

But guess who is?

Who?

Carrie Fisher.

Oh.

Come on, Hannah and her sisters. When Harry met Sally?

Star Wars. She was in Star Wars.

Next to R2 -D2 and Chewbacca, she was my favorite character in Yoda.

Good morning, Karen. Nice to see you, darling. You can

always tell when

Meg's not here.

Day -old bagels and bruised bananas.

Hi, Carrie.

Hi. Do I know you?

I'm Paige Clark from Tri -Global. Remember we met the other day on the

Remember?

You're not the one that was chasing after Meg like some fawning sycophant.

You remember.

Your hair's different.

Introduce us.

Oh, uh, Carrie, this is Ellen Morgan, the owner of the bookstore.

Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you, Carrie.

Big fan.

Look.

How many times people do that to me? It never gets old.

What?

I think you're such a great writer. I really do. I think you're just a

writer. I've read most of some of your books, and I think that you have a whole

Carrie Fisher section.

Not a whole, like a shelf, a half shelf.

You should write more books.

I'll get right on that. Okay, Carrie. All right, bye -bye, Carrie.

Oh, God, she hates me.

She knows I'm in over my head. She's going to tell the studio, and I'm going

be fired.

Okay, listen up, everybody.

Meg is not here today, but I am. And you may not be aware of it, but in this

film, I play a part that's a real stretch for me. I play the part of a

sardonic best friend.

So today is my one big emotional scene, so I'd really appreciate it if you all

just try to work at least at half speed.

Carrie Fisher, everyone.

Would you mind sitting on that stool, darling? All right, let's take a look.

the extras in place, could you?

Now, we need more bustling in the bookstore. I need some more bustling.

let's see what the extras are doing. We need more extras.

Dinah! Oh, God, he knows I'm a fake. The gaffer knows I'm a fake. The bagel man

knows I'm a fake.

Okay, think, Paige, think.

You guys, I just wanted something.

What? How would you like to be extras in the movie?

Great. I mean, I was an extra in my kindergarten play. I was a snowflake.

was a lot of us. It was a blizzard, but it was, you know... What do we have to

do?

Nothing. You just... They pay you 35 bucks and you just stand around in the

background. I get paid more than that now for doing less.

All right, but for 35 bucks a day, no frontal nudity.

Oh, what the hell? You're a friend.

Okay, let's shoot one places, everyone.

What's this scene about?

Uh, my boyfriend dumps me for my best friend, Meg.

Go figure.

What's she like, Meg Ryan?

Uh, pretty much as you'd expect. You know, dark, moody, depressive. Almost

flabby.

Are her eyes that blue? Are they really that blue? Are those contact lenses?

I don't know. Next time I see her, I'll have to feel her cornea.

Wouldn't that be funny? Oh,

look at me. Here I am.

sitting next to Carrie Fisher, and I'm asking what Meg Ryan is like. I'm...

What's Harrison Ford like?

Okay, everybody ready to make movies? I am!

Oh, good. Well, if you're ready, we can start, can't we?

Thank you, Kimmy.

No cameras. Lock it clean.

Gina, there's something I've got to... You don't have to say anything. I

know.

Cut! Miss... Miss me?

Oh, Ellen.

Ellen, please don't look at the camera.

I wasn't looking at the camera. I was... I was looking at the camera. I'm sorry.

This is the first time I've ever done this. No.

Really? Yes.

All right, everybody. Let's do it again. Marker, please. And...

Gee, there's something I've got to tell you.

You don't have to say anything. I already know.

It's over, isn't it?

How fitting that you're dumping me in the place where we first met.

I have to give you points for that.

Well, I guess I'll just go and pack my things.

You dog!

Please don't watch the scene, all right? Sorry. Good. Back to one, please.

You're so good.

What should I do?

Just pretend you're my agent and ignore me.

I don't know why you're always playing the best friend. I'll tell you that. I

think the next movie, Meg Ryan should play your best friend. What do you say,

people?

Thanks. That was really fun for me.

All right, once again, people, from the top.

What?

Gina, there's something I've got to tell you.

You don't have to say anything.

I already know.

It's over, isn't it?

How fitting that you should be dumping me in the place where you first met.

Cut!

What is that?

It's publicity.

Everyone, Paige!

Paige, I think we could stand a little less bustling in the bookstore.

Nigel, it's her bookstore she's doing us a big favor. Luther!

Please don't make me do this. Please. She is my best friend. It means so much

her. We'll just stare in the background.

You won't even notice her.

Marker, please.

Sheena, I've been meaning to tell you... Please.

You don't have to say anything.

Ellen! That's a... All right. Take this. Take 9.

Take 10. Take 15.

Gina,

I meant to tell you before, but I... You don't have to say anything.

I know.

It's... You don't have to say anything.

I already know. Cut!

Take 20.

Gina, I've got to tell you. Please!

Cut!

Take 28.

Roll camera.

This is the one, people.

Gina,

I have to tell you... Please! You don't have to say anything.

Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hear that?

Spectacular.

It's not fatigue, it would be fatigue.

29. No.

No, no, no.

That's it. If I was a star of this picture, I would be having a tantrum

now. But I am the neurotic, sardonic best friend, so I'm going to go outside

get some air.

Take five, everyone. Paige.

Nigel, it's going great, isn't it? Paige, it's not working. We should have

the bookstore in the mall or any of the other four that we wanted.

I know. I wanted those other ones, too, but they fell through. I only had two

days. I was stuck. This is the only place I could get.

Paige,

can I talk to you?

Yes.

What?

You lied to me.

I am your best friend. How could you lie to me?

talking about what what you told me i was your first choice i don't believe

ellen not here

look i was desperate i needed a

bookstore who cared if i was my first choice i don't care about that that

the issue

Then what is the issue? The issue is you lied to me. I mean, I don't care if I

wasn't your first choice. Okay, I do care if I was your first choice, but if

put the caring about the choice next to the caring about the lying, then the

lying would be an elephant and the choice would be a peanut.

I think you know what I mean.

Okay, if I had told you the truth, would you have let me use the store?

Yes. Then what is the big deal? The big deal is you work me like one of your

Hollywood phonies. If you're not schmoozing me, you're ignoring me.

Ellen, I haven't just been ignoring you.

I mean, look at my nails.

You know, you waltz in like, Miss doing me a favor. Oh, the place will be

perfect. And best of all, we get to hang out. And you said that Meg Ryan is

going to be here, not Carrie Fisher.

And that would be my cue.

Who is ten times better than Meg Ryan any day.

Ellen, what are you doing? You've already caused enough trouble with

don't want to lose her.

Oh, please. Where would I go?

Look at you. You care more about the movie business than our friendship.

Look, Ellen, you do not understand the kind of pressure that I am under, okay?

A writer writes and an actor acts. But me, what do I do? I don't know. But it

my job to make sure that nobody else finds that out or I am fired and I

lose this job because it is the only thing that I am good at.

You know, girls, in the 80s, I would have had the perfect solution to your

problems.

But I spent a lot of that time in rehab, so it probably would have been kind of

hard to get in touch with me.

Look, I've had a lot of experience playing the best friend, so I might have

learned a thing or two along the way that might help you guys.

Did you see Quest for Fire?

No, I didn't. I wanted to. I actually went, and it was sold out, so I had to

The Shining, which was playing next door, which was very scary. I don't know

you saw that, but that was the Jack and the... Anyway, Quest for Fire, were you

in that?

No, no, but Ray Dawn Chong was, and she once crashed a party of mine.

Anyway, years ago, there were tribes that roamed the earth, and every tribe

a magic person. Well, now the tribes have been dispersed, but every so often

meet someone from your tribe, and the trick is, when you do, is to know that

person all your life.

Wow. That's beautiful.

Yeah, but that's the movies.

From my own personal life, I've found that it's a lot safer to get by yourself

in a room with almost no human contact whatsoever.

Bye now.

I'm sorry if I've been schmoozing you. It gets to be a habit.

For now on, I'm going to try to be nothing but direct, blunt.

And tactless.

Yeah, just be yourself.

Absolutely nothing like Meg Ryan.

Thank you.

Michelle Pfeiffer?

Oh, not a chance.

Just testing.

Um, I... Sorry about all this, Carrie, but I just wanted to let you know that

you're doing a fabulous job in my movie.

Yeah. Oh, uh, listen, if you aren't doing anything tomorrow, you know, Meg

shooting one of her big scenes, and...

I think it would be great if you were one of the extras in it.

Hey, take that another movie!

Hi.

I'd like to return my Bjork.

Okay, is that out in the car? No, it's right here.

Oh, I'm sorry, where am I thinking?

Here's my receipt.

if that's easier.