Original subtitles

All I know is that when I go running with someone, call me conventional, but

expect them to run!

Okay? I don't want to stop every 50 feet and jog in place and wait until they

finally waddle up next to me.

I was not waddling. Really? It's called power walking. Ellen, was I waddling? No

way. Thank you!

You weren't moving fast enough to waddle.

No. My parents waddled. Trust me, they could waddle circles around you.

Maybe I was slowed down by the stench of your shirt. Well, maybe if you didn't

jog carrying a muffin and a latte, you may work up a sweat, too.

Hi, hello?

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I should be at the bookstore in about a half hour. Why?

Well, if it's that important, why don't you just tell me over the phone?

Well, what if I don't want to wait?

Well, what if I want you to tell me now?

Well, what if I think you're the one being the baby?

Okay, I'll see you in a little while.

Bye.

What's up?

She wouldn't say over the phone. She's coming to the bookstore.

Oh, God, do you think it's her health? Maybe she's sick.

Maybe she needs a book.

No, she's sick. She's sick and she needs an organ. My organ.

I mean, what is she supposed to say over the phone? I blew a kidney?

Keep a weekend open?

Your mom's healthy as a horse, Ellen. Maybe that's it. It's a secret. It's a

family secret so shocking that she couldn't tell me until now.

It's what I've suspected all along. I was switched at birth.

And now my real mother has come forward and she needs my kidney.

Oh, God, it's all starting to make sense now.

Maybe she wants to come by and say hello to her daughter.

You have got yourself one wild imagination.

would mean someone touched my machine that someone touched the Steam Master

2000.

Oh, while you were out back, I used it to steam clean my jewelry.

Doesn't work very well, though. At one point, I had to take off my shoe and

really slam the back of it.

Audrey, I'm not very good at constructive criticism, but here goes.

Touch my machine again and die, you annoying pink gnat.

over here with earth -shattering news, and I want the place to look nice.

Come on, Joe. Let's see what a real cleaning can do.

I'll clean that.

Oh,

God,

they're both here. They're married. is in trouble and they've come to tell me

whole fairytale childhood is a lie.

Hey, look at the happy couple.

Hey, Jen.

Hi, Ellie.

You know what?

We made it over here in 35 minutes.

35. Well, that beats your old time by 215.

I drove in the bike lane.

Well, I've got to run over to the music store and get some reeds. Honey, time

me.

Starting now.

Your father's playing the clarinet again.

That's great. That's it. That's the big news. Well, thank you for telling me

here in person instead of over the phone. That's great. No, Ellen, that's

it. No. It's your health, isn't it? You are sick. Look, just say the word

because I've got a kidney just burning a hole in my pocket.

No, I'm perfectly healthy, dear. It's just that... Can we sit down over here?

Oh, God, you don't tell it over the phone or standing up.

Now, I know this may upset you, but I want you to try to accept it as best you

can.

Now, the thing is, I've been in therapy.

Therapy? You went to therapy? Finally? Oh, thank... Thanks.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

That is terrific.

Not that you need therapy. I mean, you're sane. You're about the sanest

know. I mean, put you on top of a water tower with a high -powered rifle, you

wouldn't know what to do, would you?

Well, I've been in therapy because of us, Ellen. I don't know if you know

but I've done a great deal of worrying about you not being married.

No.

Yes. But therapy's helped me to get past all that, and I know now that you do

not need a man to be happy.

Whatever you're paying that therapist, it's not enough.

No, Ellen, I'm... serious. We've been putting too much pressure on one another

about this mother -daughter relationship, and I think we should try

friends.

That's a good idea, Mother. We should be friendlier, yes.

No, not friendly. Friends.

You know, hang around together, pal around together, you know.

No, we can't be friends. You're my mom. You're what I talk to my friends about.

Well, why? Just because I'm older, that doesn't mean I can't be way cool.

I got a CD.

Well, what is this really about? Come on. Last time you were to hang out, I

ended up as a surprise guest on the Jerry Springer show, and the subject

was parents who were shocked their daughters still aren't married at this

No, honestly, this is only to be friends.

So, my friends call me Lois.

Now, what do your friends call you?

What you name me?

Ellen.

Let's kick off this relationship with two of those mocha drinks everyone's

talking about.

Audrey, could we get some service over here, please? Oh, hi, Mrs. Morgan.

Nope, not Mrs. Morgan. It's Lois. Mom.

Mom? Mom?

I don't see any moms around here. Do you see any moms around here, Audrey?

No, no, Lois. Just us girls. Okay, I'll go get a couple of those mocha drinks

everyone's talking about.

Two mochas.

I don't know what's going on, but something is up.

What, with your mom?

I think she's neat. She's not my mom. She's my new friend, Lois, and I don't

trust her.

Why not? My mom and I are best friends.

Really? Yeah, she has got the best sense of humor.

Like this one time, she took me to this Woolworths in Saskatoon, about 70 miles

from our house, and left me there.

And you got a picture of this. I'm nine years old, and I'm wandering the store

crying, where's my mommy?

Where's my mommy?

And finally, the police take me home, and Mom staggers to the door, three

to the wind, and says, I've never seen him before in my life.

Oh, what a hoot.

Joe, that's terrible.

You really have to hear my mom tell it.

I read in the L .A. Weekly that you and your pals go to this hip club to play

pool. And I was thinking, since your dad is practicing with the Dixieland band,

that maybe tonight you and I could go over there and shoot a little stick.

The Hollywood Athletic Club?

No, we can't. We can't go there. It's closed tonight.

On a Friday?

Well, that's how hip it is, yeah.

Ellen, I was there last Friday, and it was packed.

Are you sure, Audrey?

Are you, who relies on me for her paycheck, absolutely sure?

Unless you'd like to do something else. I mean, we could dress up and go see

that Rocky Horror Picture Show.

No, no, no. Pool's good. We'll play pool. That's fine.

You sure you wouldn't rather have a kidney?

Smoking section.

Not smoking.

Smoking.

Up high.

Down low. Too slow.

Oh, that's it.

Here now.

No, you can't just move the ball.

Oh.

So, did you hear that Snoop Doggy Dog's in trouble again?

Where did you hear that?

On MTV News.

I'll bet Flavor Flav is dissing Time Warner big time.

Reminds me, how about Dad's Dixieland band? He still get that solo in Sweet

Georgia Brown?

Oh, yeah, I guess this is kind of hard for you, hanging out with me, isn't it?

But could you try for me?

Mom, I'm sorry, it's not... It's just I've always had a hard time making new

friends, you know, so... I'll try.

Oh, good.

Then how about you scoot on over to the bar and get us a couple of those Mexican

beers with all the fruit in them, only instead of a lime, I'll have a cherry.

Couple of cherry beer coming up.

Welcome to Buy the Book. Can I help you?

Audrey, thank God you're here.

I'm in big trouble. I have to use Ellen's computer.

Charge something.

Oh, an encyclopedia of cats coming your way. Thank you for stopping by the ball.

Spence, I have to use the computer. It's an emergency.

Too bad. I'm not done with my law school application.

What is so hard? Just tell them you're slimy, evil, and morally bankrupt.

They'll probably send a bunch of guys in here to carry you in on their

shoulders.

It's a big emergency.

Okay, my computer's down at work, and I have coverage on Macaulay Culkin's next

film due first thing tomorrow morning. See, now, that is really important. Let

me just put my essay on inner -city education on hold so the world isn't

deprived of Richie Rich, too.

I need my computer.

Oh, you move.

How's my husband treating you?

Harold, the best.

I want to thank you again for having Katie and me over for dinner last week.

our pleasure. It's so nice to meet a couple who can keep up with us in

Is she here?

Yeah, lady's room. She should be right out.

Look at this. I don't believe this.

Of course, she's trying to fix me up. Let's just be friends.

All right, Lois, you want to play matchmaker?

Let's play.

Lois, girlfriend.

Oh, hi.

I'd like you to meet Mike Lyons. He's Dad's new associate down at the office.

Well, what a coincidence. And you just happen to be here tonight.

That's right.

Lois tells me that you own a bookstore.

Uh -huh. That's, uh... That's right.

It's always been a dream of mine.

Really? Yeah. Want to hear my dream?

Uh, sure.

You on this pool table naked dancing around?

Me with a dollar bill in my mouth?

Come on, baby, let me see you shake your money maker, huh?

Ellen, what in the world are you doing?

Oh, back off, Lois. You hook the fish, now let me clean and bone him.

Well, I, uh...

Really looks like I should be going. It's been nice. What's the hurry, Mike?

just got here.

You know, a few more of these cherry beers and I know a certain attorney

going to be happy. This is one bar he didn't pass.

Counselor, may I help you with your brief?

Ellen! Ellen, this is not what you think.

Michael?

Katie! Hi!

Ellen, this is my fiancé, Katie.

This is Harold and Lois' daughter, Ellen. Hello, Katie. Here's your ball.

We were just playing pool, a type of pool that I like to play called team

or buddy pool.

You may know it as piggyback pool. And the rules are that you must stay

connected at all times. One person on the bottom, one person on top.

And I don't make the rules. I just play by them. And if he tells you anything

else was going on, then he's a liar and maybe not the right man for you. Excuse

me. I'm going to shoot some pool.

All right, we're in agreement here, right? This is beside the use of the

computer, okay? No more fighting.

Right. We're adults here.

You ready? Mm -hmm.

One, two, three, go.

All right, definite warm -up. That was a warm -up. Let's go. No warm -up. I went

fair and square. Put that down. Come on, there's always a warm -up in rock,

paper, scissors. What kind of communist hellhole are you from where they don't

use a warm -up?

Sven, isn't there some way we could work this out?

That may be how you got your job page, but it's not how you're going to get

computer.

All right.

Cut cards. High card wins. She's got to have a deck around here somewhere.

Soy sauce, chopsticks, wet naps, more soy sauce.

No wonder she retains so much water.

All right.

I'm going to have to make do. Here.

Whoever opens the wet nap and produces the pre -moistened towelette first wins.

That's got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Go.

You have to admit, it is something that you might have done before when you were

just my mom. I don't know Lois that well. But I wanted you to. That's why I

into therapy.

Oh, come on. That can't be the only reason. I mean, there had to be other

issues.

Don't go there.

I'm just going to sit here quietly and wait for your father to pick me up.

You know...

You don't have to be up on who Flava Flav is dissing to be my friend.

That's the beautiful thing about friendship. You can just be yourself.

I mean, we've been doing things that I do. Let's do something that you do. Just

name it, whatever you want to do.

Well, we do need a fourth for Bridge on Tuesday.

Bridge? Bridge?

Well, you know, there is nothing I like more than Bridge. The only thing I like

more than Bridge is... I can't even think of a thing.

Computer's mine. In your face, Paige. The door would roughly be right there.

right. That's cute, Paige. Open the door.

Open the door right now. I'm going to take it off its hinges.

I'm going to get the screwdriver.

You can't do this to me. I've got the winning wet nap.

I do.

Corey,

you sure you don't want an ashtray?

No, thanks. I'll just use the big ashtray.

Ellen, we were so pleased to hear you were going to join us tonight.

Lois is so lucky to have a daughter like you.

Oh, well, I'm not here as a daughter. I'm here as Lois' friend, so it's

important that you treat me like one of the gang.

You know, when you were little, you used to love to run around the neighborhood

with your pants off.

Okay, good.

Let's get started, shall we? Come on, Cora.

Ellen,

you're my partner, and you're my friend.

That's it. I am through with these.

First thing tomorrow, I'm switching to filters.

Excuse me. I just need some fresh air.

I ran into Ned Bellows today.

Oh, was he with a certain someone in broad daylight?

That's right.

Oh, poor Marilyn.

So, Mr. Bellows is having an affair?

Now, Ellen, if you're going to play in our game, we have one rule.

No gossip. We're not here to judge others.

If that cheating pig, Ned Bellows, is getting a little on the side, it's none

our business.

So, Evie, how's Marv? Yeah, is Mr. Humphrey still building those

Yeah, well, not lately. Ever since his demotion at work, he hasn't been the

same. Especially in bed.

Yeah, there's nothing like a Marv Humphrey birdhouse.

Naturally, his performance is way off.

Have you tried role -playing?

That sometimes works for George and me.

He pretends to be my limo driver.

One time he built a birdhouse. It was like a gingerbread house, but it wasn't

gingerbread. It was actually made of wood, I know, because I tasted it.

You know what works for Harold and me in bed?

Anybody say hearts? Because I'm like Cupid over here.

He really doesn't like foreplay because he cramps easily. He should stretch

first. Oh, don't get me started on that.

Last Wednesday, we were feeling particularly randy. Oh, look at that.

dad. Hello, ladies. Don't let me interrupt. I just came down to get some

Cora's delicious pistachio pudding salad.

I can eat this right, Lois's salad.

Oh.

I just did 17 minutes on the treadmill.

17. Did you stretch first?

Oh, sure.

For that, he stretches.

Sorry. You know, when we three get together, we get a little raunchy at

and we'll donut down. No, that's okay. You do whatever you normally do. That's

fine. We're all adults. We're adult friends sitting around talking about

And, you know, I don't have a problem with that at all. Well, I can tell

getting a little uncomfortable.

No, I'm not. No, I can dish too, you know. Oh, good.

Fresh blood. Let's hear it.

Really? Yes.

Go ahead. Okay, well, um...

remember bruce the accountant that i dated that well um once i drove over to

house with nothing on but a raincoat was it raining horror all

right you like that one here's one that's great a couple years ago i dated

italian who uh well we won't name names but anyway um he couldn't get uh you

know

Anyway, the only way I could turn him on was to massage his feet with Paul

Newman salad dressings. Where'd it go?

That's disgusting.

Cora, all the profits go to charity.

Well, this is fun.

Isn't it fun? This is freeing. It feels good, actually. Oh, Lois, you'll get a

kick out of this one. This is funny. In high school, remember when I asked for

your permission to go on that overnight field trip to the aquarium?

Yeah. Did you find it odd that I had to spend the night overnight?

No. At an aquarium?

Where did you sleep?

In Bobby's van.

Bobby? My son Bobby?

Your son Bobby.

But you took your sleeping bag.

Yeah, well, sure I did. It wasn't until six months later he got a mattress,

because, you know, it was so uncomfortable to sleep on the... The

van were so hard.

How dare you sneak out without getting my permission?

It was 15 years ago. I don't care. That is it. You are grounded. Now go to your

room.

Go to my room? I thought we were friends, Lois.

Yes, we are.

Okay.

Okay, I bid two clubs.

Okay, yeah.

Two clubs. Yeah.

So, Cora, George pretends to be a limo driver.

What are you...

I really, really enjoyed myself tonight.

Oh, did you, dear? That's good, because I really, really did, too.

Oh, great. You know, if your regular bridge partner doesn't come back, maybe

could do this every week.

I don't want you to be my bridge partner, dear.

Oh, thank God.

Because much as I love you as a daughter, I really don't care for you as

friend.

I don't want you as a friend, either.

And I don't want to hear any more about your sexual shenanigans. Oh, great. And

I don't want to hear anything more about what Daddy's stretching.

So you'll forget about mine, and I'll forget about yours, okay? Yeah. And

just go back to being mother and daughter like before.

Oh, good.

But, you know, we should, you know, not let everything go. I mean, you paid for

therapy. You might as well use some of it.

I mean, like the not nagging me, that's good.

You know what I think?

I think Ellie should sleep over tonight, and tomorrow morning we'll have a nice

big family breakfast. Oh, you could make the blueberry pancakes and maple syrup.

Oh, no, that's not a good idea, honey.

You know, too much sugar makes you hyper.

It's so good to have you back, Mom.

to get the computer for the entire week. Really? Yeah.

That was a warm -up.