All language subtitles for ellen_s03e06_trick_or_treat_-_who_cares

Scalpel. Scalpel.

Other scalpel. Other scalpel.

You're doing good.

Scooper thing. Scooper thing.

All right.

You may experience a slight burning
sensation.

All right, I've done all I can do.
Someone close for me.

Am I crazy or does that look a little
like Mariah Carey?

You're crazy.

All right, I think it looks great. Let's
put it on the window for the whole

world to see.

I've lost my first patient.

Thank goodness I bought three more.

Scalpel. Scalpel.

Don't give me that attitude.

You are now seeing the opening title.

You will tell your friends how great
they were tomorrow at the water cooler.

Oh, and whenever you see the word Ellen,
you will cluck like a chicken.

Are you clucking?

a catchy tune.

I wasn't that crazy about it at 5 a .m.,
but it's starting to grow on me now.

Oh, look at this. Another beautiful day.

What is it with L .A. and the sun? It's
always sunny.

It's always nice. It's fall. It should
be cold and rainy.

The sun mocks me.

Well, don't take it personally. The sun
mocks everybody.

Look at me. I'm up here. I'm the sun.

That's the sun for you. Thinks the world
revolves around it.

You know, I'm guessing beneath that
cheery facade, you're just not quite

yourself.

What's the matter?

You want to know what's the matter? Mm
-hmm. All right.

This.

The warranty for your clock radio?

You sure this is all that's upsetting
you?

Maybe not something more like a bigger
appliance?

No, you don't see, Ellen. Look at this.
Look at the questions they ask. Right

there. Okay?

Address. What's that about? Okay? What
am I supposed to put?

Your address.

Your address. Okay.

Occupation. Well, I tried to write
sitting on my butt, but it wouldn't fit.

Well, you can try writing really small.
Look right here. Yeah, income.

I guess all my buddies from med school
are checking the $100 ,000 plus

Me, roughly zero.

There you go.

For marital status, no income, no
occupation.

Surprise, single.

Spence, I think you're being a little
hard on yourself.

You're just in a slump.

And look at the bright side. You're
covered for both parts and labor.

You don't get it, Ellen.

I'm out here in L .A. I've got no
direction.

I've got nothing to do. I've got nowhere
to go.

This is my fault. I go to work every
day, and I leave you alone, and you get

lonely. You know, you need some
exercise. I should take you on walks.

Maybe get another little cousin for you
to play with.

I have to ask my landlord if I can have
two cousins, but... Come on. Come to the

bookstore with me. It'll be fun. We have
games.

You're right.

I gotta shake this off.

I'm not that guy.

I'm gonna go with you. I'm gonna have a
biscotti. I'm gonna talk to people. I'm

gonna be human again. All right. Yeah.

Vance. Yeah.

You're absolutely right. I cannot go out
like this. I must put on shoes.

Damn.

Used to have a steady hand. Used to be
able to extract a funny bone in my

Hey, little buddy. Care for a refill?

No, thanks, Skipper. I'm good.

Boy, you sure have captured the spirit
of Halloween in Los Angeles.

Well, I just bought you the Woolworth.
Yeah, Leonardo da Vinci just painted the

Mona Lisa.

So, are you reading The Shining for our
next book club?

No. Is that okay?

Sure it is. It's a book club. It's for
fun. There's no pressure.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

I'm sorry.

I'll go get on that book right now,
okay?

Oh, wishbone.

See, you know, I hate this game.

I'm only jealous.

All right, clear.

Clear.

Clear.

Clear.

Don't do that thing when the patient's
heart stops, you know?

Ellen, I know, all right? They don't use
spoons.

Well, sure, nowadays, no.

But you know what they do? you spoons
for?

I'm Mr.

Spoonleg. My name is Mr.

Spoonleg. I can dance like Spoonlegs.
I'm a Spoonleg dancer, yeah.

I'm Mr. Spoonleg.

Ellen, Ellen, Spoonlegs are two spoons
we desperately need.

Oh, it's always the arts that are the
first to go.

Hi, Ellen. What's the buzz?

There's no buzz, Audrey. I'm just trying
to cheer up with Ben. He's been a

little down.

Ellen, take a tip from a licensed
aromatherapist. The only cure...

the scent of a banana.

Banana.

Sure, that's why there's so few monkey
suicides.

Exactly.

Boy,

I sure could use someone to help me put
up these Halloween decorations.

I'll help you, Ellen.

No, someone strong, you know, to help
put up these heavy decorations.

Spence?

The hotter coffee, the more caffeine,
the better.

All right, listen, people.

I've got to read these scripts and make
notes on them in four days so nobody

talk to me and nobody bug me.

I'm turning off my cell phone.

Why'd you even bring your cell phone if
you're just going to turn it off?

Just asking, Chuckles. But are you
trying to make yourself as unappealing

possible?

Oh, look at all these scripts, Fence.
There's got to be a comedy in here

That would be fun for you to read? Like,
Crack Whore 2.

Well, if it's half as funny as Crack
Whore 1.

Everything stinks.

Take a look at this little prize. It's
about a terrorist who threatens to blow

up the Hollywood sign. Who cares? Blow
it up. It's just a sign.

Don't blow up the Hollywood sign. I love
the Hollywood sign. On a clear day, you

can see Ned Beatty on a Stairmaster.

We should go sometime.

Oh, good. They don't take care of one
hour.

Now I just have to find something to do
to fill the thousands and thousands of

hours I have left.

Nothing I do will cheer him up.

Have you tried spoon legs?

Nothing.

Wow.

Excuse me, mister.

What are the scary Halloween stories?

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't work here.

But if you'd like, I could tell you a
really, really, really scary story.

Would you like that?

Come here. Okay.

Once upon a time, there was this little
boy who wanted more than anything in the

world to become a doctor.

So he studied, right? And he worked
really, really hard until one day, just

his dream was within grasp, it was gone.

And he had no plan, nothing, nowhere to
go.

And every morning when he looked in the
mirror, he saw this.

The stubbly face of a 32 -year -old
nothing.

$82 ,000 in debt.

The empty, dried -out husk of a man he
used to be.

Hell it again.

Look at you helping customers, huh?

I just remembered I could really use
some part -time help around here. You

to help with the customers, the
inventory. Hey, that's an idea. A stock

could carry stuff and put away boxes.

I was a doctor!

Well, you can work doctor's hour.

Joe,

sorry I'm late.

Hi, Ellen.

Audrey,

what are you doing?

You are a friend in need, and I am a
friend indeed.

Oh, no, you thought I actually needed
help. No, I just said that for spending

benefit. Ellen, you don't have to thank
me. Oh, I brought in some donuts.

They're gluten -free, so you can eat as
many as you want.

can't work here.

She's too pert, she's too perky, and
worst of all, she cut out the Ziggy

because it reminded me of you, Joe.

You've got to fire her. I don't have to
fire her. I never hired her. Oh, Ellen,

I can take lunch whenever you want me
to.

I don't have a low blood sugar problem
like some people.

You don't work here.

What? Audrey, as much as I would love to
have someone here like you to work

here, I mean, I would love that because
you're so, you're, well, you know what

you are. But I can't. I mean, I can't
take you away from your aromatherapy

I mean, there are people who need you,
people who need smells, smells only you

can provide.

Should have thought of that before you
hired her.

I never hired her.

Ellen! Is it okay if I take my break at
three?

Break whenever you want. Break all day
long. You don't work here.

Apparently it's my fault she lost her
old job.

What happened?

Well, she mixed the scents of buttermilk
and lemon together. Long story short,

Lindsay Wagner ends up smelling like old
cheese. Audrey loses her job.

How is that your fault? That's the part
that's confusing me, too.

Very scary, sorry.

So what am I going to do?

Ellen, I know a lot of times I tell you
that I'm busy and I'm really just not

interested in what you're saying.

This time, I'm busy.

Listen, I have got to finish these
scripts by tomorrow or I'm screwed.

Wow, these are honest -to -goodness
scripts. That is so exciting.

Yeah, I'm all a quiver.

Oh, God, I really am. Joe, make my next
pot decaf.

coffee blend.

Vanilla, peanuts.

You get the serenity of vanilla with the
playfulness of peanuts.

Why don't you take the serenity of leave
me alone and mix it with the

playfulness of get the hell out of here.

Watch out, I do believe you have a crush
on me.

Can't someone just hate without it being
interpreted as something else?

Peter's coming in ten minutes. I've got
to count the remainders and box them up.

When did this call come? And why are you
answering my phone?

Well, I would have told you earlier, but
then there was all the Halloween

hubbub.

Now, this one about the talking dog, I
think it'd make an interesting vehicle

for Woody Harrelson.

I was thinking the very same thing.

tonight because i have to uh i have to
fire her and i'm not really good at this

sort of thing so i was hoping i could
use you to help me practice on what to

why'd you hire her if you're just gonna
fire her a couple days later i

didn't hire her okay now i'm gonna be me
because uh well i have more experience

being me and you'll be audrey and uh she
sounds like this hi ellen i'm gonna use

my own voice ellen all right How's this
sound?

Audrey, you're a good friend and an
excellent neighbor and a really good

driver. So this is really hard for me to
say.

But as much as I appreciate your help, I
don't need it. I know what you're doing

here. Now, are you Audrey or you? You
think I'm an idiot, okay? Well, you can

save your dime store psychology, all
right? Okay, you're you. All right, you

think that if I role play, I'll work
through my problems and everything will

all right.

Spence, this isn't about you. Yeah, you
wouldn't say that if it wasn't about me.

You know, I hate to say this, but I'm
getting sick and tired of you being...

Hey, trick -or -treaters! Oh, look,
there's Batman.

That's scary.

And, uh, Power Ranger. That's scary,
too. And who are you? I'm Johnny

Wow.

Well, that's extra scary. Okay.

Oh, yeah, well, you're happy and
helpful.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to cheer you up.
And not cheering up when someone's

trying to cheer you up is just, it's
rude.

Really?

Is it against the law not to smile in L
.A.? Because in New York, 8 million

people go through the entire day without
smiling.

Nobody thinks it's rude. Yeah, well, 8
million people aren't moping around on

couch. Hi.

Oh, Batman again. Hi.

Pocahontas, how are you? And no mask,
always a treat. Thanks for the work.

but I have to say one more thing.

Oh, my God, you ate all the candy.

That's not it. There's another thing in
addition to that.

Oh, you're like little baby birds.

Just one second, all right? I'll be
right back. Get you some food.

So you're a doctor, huh?

I'm George Clooney.

George Clooney is not a doctor. He's an
actor!

I'm sorry. My man, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to project my whole thing.
Listen, very nice scrubs.

Hi, look what I found for you. Slim
fast.

Yummy, yummy.

Slim fast for you and a slim fast for
you.

Have one with lunch and a sensible
dinner, okay?

Bye -bye.

Where was I? One more thing. One more
thing. You're a crybaby.

I'm a crybaby. Yeah, wah, wah, wah. I'm
not going to be a doctor. Wah, wah, wah.

I don't know what to do with my life.
Well, guess what? A lot of... people

know what to do with their life. There
are more people who don't know what to

with their life than know what to do
with their life. So... So wah, wah, wah!

I don't have to take this, right? I'm
gone. No, I'm gone. I'm gone. I'm gone.

I never get to go. For once in my life,
I'm going.

But you're wondering how I found you
here, huh?

Well, it's a very interesting story,
actually.

I called Paige, and she actually called
me back.

And she said, you know what? I think
that Ellen may be up here.

Okay, not interesting.

You storming out was very good.

Thanks. Yeah.

You should storm out more often.

No, I'm not very good at it. As soon as
I left, I thought, do I have my keys?

Should I have taken a jacket?

You know, I'm sorry about the way I
acted.

And if you want to cheer me up, go on
ahead.

No, I'm sick of trying to cheer you up.
If you want to be depressed, go ahead

and be depressed.

I'm not going to sit there and watch it.
I'm just going to stay here in the O.

You can't just stay here in the O. Why
not? It's comfortable. There's a great

view. I mean, if I need a change of
pace, I'll vacation in the D.

Ellen, you don't have to stay here in
the O, okay?

I'm done being depressed.

You are? Yeah. Just like that?

Yeah. You helped me.

I did? Yeah.

Oh, well, sometimes it takes a little
while for spoon legs to work.

No, that was just insane.

Well, was it the wah -wah -wah?

I'm afraid not. See, I made the nicest,
most easygoing person in the world lose

it, and I did that.

So, I mean, it was, you know, it was a
wake -up call.

So every time you get in a funk, I have
to run out the door?

No, no. I mean, I'm over it. I'm good. I
just need a plan.

Well? I think if we put our heads
together... I got one.

Already? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a doer, Ellen. I'm not a
thinker. I'm action, you know? I mean,

thinking is for that guy over there in a
W.

So what's your plan?

Law school.

Law school?

Yeah. You want to be a lawyer? Of course
not. Nobody does.

I was just thinking about law school,
you know, to defer paying off my student

loans and to buy me some time until I
figure out what I really want to do.

I figured I was already a doctor. Might
as well try lawyer.

Well, and there's always Indian chief.

Maybe.

I'm sorry I ate all your candy.

But... Wax bottle?

I love these things.

Yeah.

Aren't they?

Look. Wow, Ned Beatty.

Hi, boss.

Sorry I'm late, but I knew the trivia
question on Regis and Kathy Lee, so I

to stick around in case they pulled my
postcard.

Audrey, I fired you last night.

Oh, Ellen, we all say things we don't
mean in the heat of the moment.

She's like some creature from a horror
film that just won't die.

Excuse me, Joe, while I read between the
lines.

I want Audrey.

As much as I really appreciate
everything that you're doing, I just,

a way, sort of, you're fired.

Okay, then.

You're not upset.

Ellen, it takes a lot more than being
fired. by my best friend and having no

to upset me.

Hello, Audrey. Is the book I ordered in
yet?

Yes, Mrs. Rogers.

Hi. Hi.

It's a gift from my son.

You know, he has one leg that's a
quarter of an inch shorter than the

I took the liberty of wrapping it. I
hope that's okay.

It's lovely. Thank you, Audrey.

Oh, and based on what we talked about
yesterday, I threw in a couple of other

books and cards that I thought you might
like. Oh, good.

I'll take all of these.

holidays are coming up and I could
probably use some part -time help.