Original subtitles

Previously on Ellen. Ellen Morgan, I think I'm falling in love with you.

Me too, Dan.

Dortmunder.

Our little Ellen has sex!

So why'd you break up?

Jack said he got tired of competing with Adam for my love.

I've never seen him so angry. He kept saying over and over, I'll make that

pay. Like he could take you.

This whole thing is weird. He gets a job from a bunch of guys in Thistley. He

travels all around. I don't think that I am jumping to conclusions when I say

that Dan is part of an international narcotics cartel.

Hi. Hi, Mike and Elle.

Dan's expecting this.

Well, well, Adam Green.

I've been waiting for you to trip up. Okay, look, Jack, there is nothing going

on between me and Audrey. I slept with her that one time, and that was it.

You slept with my Audrey?

Butterfingers. Oh, my God.

Doc, just... I'm here.

Doc, hold on.

Just one second.

Look who we ran into.

This is him, isn't it? Oh, who cares? He's adorable.

So we'll go to the club.

We'll have some lunch. We'll take a steam bath. Dad, you don't belong to a

I never had a reason to join before.

Now there's Dan.

That's my beeper.

Oh, he has a beeper.

If you'll excuse me, I've, uh...

I've got to call Miami.

Oh, my God!

I love him!

You know, Mom, Dad, there's a little problem with Dan.

Ellen Morgan, this is the police.

Oh, my God, it's a bust.

What are you talking about? This is cocaine. Dan is a drug smuggler. What?

A cute boy is a drug smuggler? I didn't know what he did for a living when I

fell in love with him. Oh, she's in love with him, and he does like children.

Open up.

You two flush the stash, I'll handle the man.

Get a move on.

Hello, officer.

I'm Ellen Morgan's father and her attorney, Harold Morgan.

These two tried to duck out on a restaurant bill.

This one says she left her wallet here. I'd like to come in and get it. Well, I

need to see some kind of a warrant.

What am I doing?

Ellen, you're in love.

Flush. Flush like you've never flushed before.

Oh, good Lord, I'm getting high.

This is great.

Got it.

Here you are.

I'll take it to the restaurant.

Here's a hint.

Don't want to catch you in the city again.

But I live here.

Sorry that took so long. Hi, guys.

Where are Ellen and Mom?

What happened to you two?

Well, Dan, we were in the bathroom flushing your stash.

My stash of flour.

Yeah, we were flushing your stash of flour.

Is that what you kids are calling it nowadays?

So your company imports flour.

I'll be damned.

Olive oil, sun -dried tomatoes, assorted pastas. Oh, don't I have egg on my

face.

And flour.

I could make a cake with my face. I could get a face cake going if you

cake. I got a face cake.

Cakey face is what they'd call me.

That's what they would... Cakey face is sorry.

Can you forgive me?

For the whole drug thing, sure, but you're calling yourself cakey face.

Now Cakey Face is sad.

I'm sorry. I don't know what made me jump to these kind of conclusions.

I mean, maybe I do.

I'm listening.

It's... I just... I'm so scared. I... This is all so new to me. Me too.

I've never felt like this about anybody.

It's the same here.

So what do we do?

We take it slow.

One or two dates a week, just for a few months.

Okay.

Or we could spend every waking minute together.

I'd like that.

Now Cakey Face is happy.

Really? Stop it.

Good morning.

You know what, I'll at least... No,

you go.

I was just going to say that these last three days in bed have been the greatest

three days of my life.

Now, what were you going to say?

That you look funny.

Because your hair, it's just like, it's squished and then it's up, it's just

indifferent. It looks like your hair is saying, they went that -a -way.

And then? Then?

So what do you want to do today?

I was thinking that we could get out of bed, go have lunch, go to a museum,

maybe take a hike around Lake Hollywood and then dance the night away.

No, seriously, we should get out of bed. Because, I mean, it could be a

beautiful May morning.

It's May?

Oh, my God.

If that's my mom, we're just up here studying.

I don't need the key.

Ellen.

Paige, what are you doing here? Did you lose your job?

No, I just came by to see Ellen.

Two words.

Fat chance.

She and Dan are in a world of their own. I must have stopped by two dozen times

in the last three days.

Every time they had some wild excuse for why they couldn't see me. And trust me,

if Ellen doesn't want to see me, well, dot, dot, dot.

You know, Audrey, sometimes when I see you, I just want to, well, dot, dot,

I'll be doing Tai Chi at the tar pits if anyone needs me. Goodbye.

Ellen, I know you're in there.

Hey, Paige, what a pleasant surprise. Come on in.

Morning.

So, what are you up to?

Well, I went to this restaurant to meet a friend for breakfast, but she didn't

show up. Oh, don't you hate that? It's so frustrating.

God.

It was me, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, I called, but I just got the machine.

Cute message.

Thanks. It was Dan's idea for the alternating words, you know, we're not

right? And then I came up with the whole rap thing, you know, Ellen and Dan are

here right now, but if you leave... I heard it. Okay.

Well, so you're here now, I'll fix you some breakfast, okay?

Let's see, what do we got?

We got a slice of pizza, some Chinese food, baking soda. What can I do you

Coffee. No, coffee.

We're out of coffee.

You know, Ellen, you haven't been in a lot of relationships, so I have to let

you know something.

See, there's this standard two -week period where you're allowed to blow off

your friends and stay in your apartment without leaving.

But you've exceeded that. You've gone three weeks. And I'm starting to get a

little worried that you're like Kathy Bates in Misery and you have Dan

handcuffed into the bed.

That's funny.

Handcuffed into the bed. Yeah.

Right. That's funny. Like, where would I get handcuffs from? You know, it's

certainly not the Pleasure Fest on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Anyway, you know what? I'm...

I'm sorry, I haven't spent enough time with you. I'll make it up to you. Let's

have dinner tonight, you and me.

Okay, I'd like that. Good, because there is this thing that's happening at work

that I really need to talk to you about. Okay, my advice, don't sleep with him.

Oh, it's too late for that, but... We'll talk about it tonight. Okay. All right.

Good. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

So, big news, I'm leaving the apartment.

I'm going out to dinner with Paige tonight. Oh, wow, that sounds great. You

if I tag along?

Well, yes, sure, that's fine. Maybe Adam and Audrey want to come. That's great.

I mean, if it's okay with Paige.

Okay.

It's great.

Oh,

Paige, I wanted to tell you about this great place that Dan took me to last

weekend. It was so much fun. It was at the House of Blues. It's like a brunch

something, and they have singers.

It was just so much fun. You mean the Gospel Sunday brunch that I've been

to take you to for a month.

I guess, I don't know, but it was just so much fun.

It was just, they had great food and great music. Gospel singers, they had. I

mean, it was just... Honey, do that, do that. Woo!

Amen! Tell it to the mountain!

Somebody get me a window! Woo!

Well,

if it isn't the perfect man and the perfect couple.

Hi, Paige.

Ooh, Ellen, all this sex is... It's really cleared up your skin.

Although you feel a little oily in the T -zone.

Oh, I'm going to have to remember to stop sleeping face down on two strips of

bacon.

Audrey is such a riot.

Yeah, she's pretty funny.

Pretty funny? She's hysterical. Man, is she into you? Yeah.

It's kind of a drag.

What, are you out of your mind? She's adorable.

You guys would be great together.

You really think she's... Yeah.

Boy, she is really attractive.

He waved at me.

Oh, I want him, I want him, I want him. What can I do to get him?

Ellen, how did you snare Dan?

Well, I called him a loser. He left the country, and when he came back, I

accused him of being a drug smuggler.

Ah, I see.

Hard to get.

The key, Audrey, is not to let your whole life revolve around one man.

I think there's a lesson in that for all of us.

All right.

I'll play it cool.

Okay, everyone. Are we ready to go? Yeah. Uh, Audrey, you want to ride with

Oh, God, yeah. No.

I think I'll ride with Ellen and Dan.

Y 'all are going to love this place we're going. We read about it in the

LA's ten most romantic restaurants.

Jinx! You want me to go? You are killing me every time.

Sorry about that. We don't get

many parties of five.

Thank you.

Paige, you look like a lifeguard.

Seriously, if you want to trade, I'll trade with you. No, I'm fine.

This is delicious.

You've got to try this.

We're going to leave.

That's full -on bread.

You know, I'm going to leave, too. No, why?

Why? Because you guys want to be alone, and I feel like a third wheel. Oh, come

on. Don't be crazy. You're not a third wheel. No.

a good start.

Why does he hang the tie around his doorknob? Oh, he wants to let me know

there's a girl in there with him.

You're not his roommate anymore.

Oh, he still wants me to know.

Paige, you have to try my brownies.

You made brownie? Dan loves my baking.

Brownies are almost as sweet as you.

Oh, you're sweet.

Oh, you guys probably want to sit here.

Hey, you know, there's some great movies on tonight. Uh, True Lies, Sleepless in

Seattle.

Sleepless in Seattle.

Ellen,

where's the bottled water?

Oh, we don't use the bottled water anymore. What?

Those individual bottles are too wasteful. We're really into the

We are.

Because I thought we loved the pretty blue bottles.

We thought they looked good with my hair.

Ellen, do you have any squeeze parquet?

It's for popcorn, you silly.

What, do you think me and Adam are going to smear it all over our naked bodies?

Oh, that reminds me. Do you have any chocolate syrup?

Um, we're, um, we're out.

Oh, Ellen, isn't it just so great?

We're both in relationships.

You have Dan and I have Adam.

We're just the luckiest girls in the world.

Oh, hi, Paige.

about that guy that you're sleeping with at work.

Ellen! It's all right. I told Dan already. We don't have any secrets.

You know, if you ask me, it's always a bad idea to get involved with someone at

the workplace. That's what Dan was saying. He doesn't think it's good.

You know, but that's only if you ask me.

Clearly, you didn't.

Hey, Ellen, would you want me to get that thing in the... Yeah. You know,

that... The other thing. It's in that place.

You know, let's just forget this. I'm going to go. Oh, come on. I'm sorry I

Dan something I shouldn't have. No, it's my fault because I forgot that when I'm

talking to you, I'm talking to the both of you.

Well, then, we forgive you.

This is ridiculous.

You and Dan are, like, fused together.

Ellen is gone. Now you're just Dan Ellen.

That is so unfair to...

You get a bunch of alarms these days, do you?

It's mine. You saw me spill it.

Oh, I feel kind of bad. I was supposed to wait and see this with Paige.

She said this movie was her idea, and they stole it from her.

Die Hard 3?

Yeah, after we saw Die Hard 2. She said they should make a third.

Well, well, the happy couple.

Jack, be nimble, Jack. Be quick.

Jack did the crap out of you, Mr. Slade. Oh, my God.

Jack, this psychocopy team is getting very old. You're not scaring anyone.

Cookie.

Read my lips, Jack. It's over.

Now scoot.

That's not going to work, Jack.

Paige, a quick question, but I've got to ask it. Am I getting any tonight?

Well, I guess you owe me $7 .50 for the movie, then.

Oh, my God. Paige and Joe are here.

I can't believe this. She was supposed to wait and see this movie with me.

Oh, for the love of God, if it isn't the Ricardos and the Mertzes.

Hi, Paige. Hi, Joe.

Hey, it's couple night.

What are you doing here? We came to see Die Hard 3.

It was Paige's idea.

Shh.

Joe, stop looking awkward.

Can you keep it down?

Some people are trying to watch the movie and are considerate of other

feelings. They're happy for their friends when they find boyfriends.

I'm not even going to be able to follow the plot.

Don't worry, honey. I'll whisper it all in your ear.

her best friend.

And I'll bet Bruce Willis won't ditch him halfway through the movie just

he meets a cute guy.

It would make for an interesting plot twist.

In that case, the audience would like you to be quiet.

I'd like you both to be quiet.

Keep it down.

No, I can't believe you jumped at just one guy.

Oh, like you do to me all the time? Exactly.

I thought you were better than that.

Hey, shut up down there.

Make me.

Hey! Oh,

God. It was those other guys that started it.

I am going to find popcorn in the weirdest places.

We haven't been kicked out of a movie since we were, what, 29?

Silence of the Lambs, you would not stop screaming. It was scary.

Clary. Quit it!

Oh, God, I can't believe that Joe and Dan stayed in there.

I think that Dan knew we needed some time alone, and I don't think Joe knows

left. And Die Hard Brian!

His name is not Die Hard.

And stop moving the popcorn.

What are we going to do now?

Well, we could get some disguises and sneak back in there.

Or we could go someplace and have coffee and talk for a long time.

I'd really like that.

Hi, Ellen. Hi, Paige.

What's wrong, Jack?

It's really over between me and Audrey.

I feel so alone.

Really? Do you want to go someplace and talk about it?

Okay.

Leave it off.

Swing was in Seattle.

Swing's your vehicle.

Ellen, do you have any gum?

No. If Dan were here, he'd have some gum. Well, he'll be back next week. He

get gum then.

It's okay, honey. You can have some of my gum.

Oh, we're leaving.

It's all right if we go see Batman 3?

My idea.

You know, I'm going to be in a movie.

I am.

Yeah, right. And I'm going to star in a Broadway musical.

Okay, now you're just being stupid.