All language subtitles for ellen_s02e19_gladiators

Adam, will you please stop making that
horrible noise?

Oh, sorry. I didn't think you could hear
me over the blunder.

I need a drink. Oh, you shouldn't use
alcohol to relieve stress.

I'm sorry. Did I say lecture?

Because I thought I said drink.

What's going on?

Well, I got into a car accident.

My God, what happened?

I was talking on the phone, and I was
reaching for my iced coffee. And I

to change the CD. So I was reaching
under the seat for the case, and then

I slammed into another car.

Well, you mustn't blame yourself.

Don't you have any vodka?

On Wednesdays, I let my fish swim in it.

Oh, you haven't heard the worst of it.

Guess who I hit?

Hi, Ellen.

Hi, Adam.

Audrey, you smudged your lipstick a
little bit.

Audrey, are you sure you're okay?

I think so.

There was a moment there right when you
slammed into me that everything went

black.

I was drawn into this white light.

All my dead relatives were there.

They seemed so happy.

And then they saw me and they said, go
back. You aren't finished on Earth yet.

All right, well, don't worry about the
car.

Get an estimate. I'll pay for
everything.

Well, the important thing is everybody's
okay.

Right. Although, a near -death
experience does make one realize that

short.

You've got to go for the gusto.

Goodbye.

Well, it seems like she's over you.

What is that you're drinking, and does
it have liquor in it?

It's a seaweed protein shake. I'm
bulking up. 3 ,000 calories in one

want some? No, I shouldn't. I had 3 ,000
frescas with lunch.

Excuse me.

Why are you bulking up?

Women like it. That's not true. I don't.
No, I meant slutty women.

Paige doesn't either.

Okay.

The real reason I'm bulking up is I'm
going to try out for the American

Gladiators.

Seriously, why are you bulking up?

Next Saturday, I'm going to try out for
American Gladiators.

What?

I'm in good shape.

Oh. Come on, you know, why don't you go
on Wheel of Fortune instead? Then you

just have to bulk up the one arm.

Okay, scoff now, worship later.

Those gladiator guys are huge. They will
pound you. Not necessarily. I'll outfox

them. I'm wily and I'm quick.

Adam, this is you.

This is the American Gladiators.

This is you on the American Gladiators.

Any questions?

Thanks for coming with me.

Hey, what are friends for?

Offer a little moral support.

And should you fail, take pictures.

Oh, my God, look.

Gladiators.

That's ice.

Ice is cold, but I can melt it.

Can I help you?

I'm Adam Green. I'm here to try out.

And I'm just here to watch.

We don't last spectators. You'll have to
wait outside.

Oh, but I'm his mother.

Gladiator rules.

The only way you could stay here is
if...

You tried out yourself. No, I don't
think so.

You look like you're in pretty good
shape. Well, it would be a chance for

test yourself, to pitch yourself against
the best and see how you measure up.

That's true.

And it is kind of hot outside. What the
hell?

Man, I am in great shape. I mean, I
thought I was in good shape, but I had

idea how good a shape I was in. I mean,
I am in peak condition. Do you know the

feeling? Is it similar to bleeding
internally?

Man, you should have seen me in
Powerball, too. That Becky woman thought

could score on me, but not on my watch.

I know I've broken some ribs here.

For what? To be disqualified just
because I couldn't do 30 chin -ups.

Oh, come on. Quantity isn't important.
It's form that matters, and you look

great on both of yours.

Anyway, look, all these people have
obviously been training for years. You

expect to just waltz in here and get in.

Ellen Morgan? Yeah, in. Yes!

I'm going to go eat some gladiator
donuts.

Hi. Hey, I saw you out there. You were
good. Oh, well, thank you. I was on my

high school gladiator team.

I'm Nitro. Oh, I'm Ellen.

Actually, my real name's Dan. Oh, well,
my real name is Madam Destructo.

Madam.

Nice. I know.

I'm a big fan.

Say, aren't you a model, too?

Yeah. Because I happen to be a
photographer, and I'm always interested

expanding my portfolio.

Are you coming on to me?

I just might be.

You can get pretty rough around here. So
you think you got it? Yeah, you block

with the left, dunk with the right.
Block with the left, dunk with the

Block, dunk, block. Okay, good, good,
good, good. I think you got it. Listen,

I've got to take off, but maybe sometime
this week I can give you some more

pointers. Okay.

Over dinner?

Oh, it's all happening so fast.

Then maybe I can call you.

Okay, yeah. Try me at my bookstore. Buy
the book.

Buy is spelled B -U -Y, and the book,
they're just regular words.

Nice meeting you, Ellen. You too.

Nitro?

Joe, I just got this letter in the mail.
Well, if nothing's too trivial to

mention, I just swallowed my gum.

That's funny.

I think it's comments like that that may
have inspired Mr. Brian Fisher to

write.

Dear proprietor, I'm a regular customer,
blah, blah, blah.

Books are my only source of happiness.
This is my wife's death, blah, blah,

blah.

But I find your coffee server rude,
sarcastic, and given to fits of

anger.

What'd you do to this guy?

Ellen, if I'm sure of one thing, it's my
dealings with customers I'm always

helpful and polite.

Actually, I've noticed you can be a
little gruff.

Did you say something, Baldy Beardo?

Joe, why don't you try to be nice to all
the customers?

Baldy Beardo, giant nose man.

Johnny Toupet, Wart Woman, all the
regulars.

Ellen, Audrey is suing me.

Over that car thing? Yeah, I got served
this morning. Look at this.

Property damage, grievous injury,
emotional distress.

I mean, I have listened to her
screeching, obnoxious voice for the past

months, and she is suing me for
emotional distress.

Paige, it's always such a treat to see
you. Can I offer you a cup of coffee?

So, are you going out with Nitro?

I don't think so. I don't know. I mean,
what if the relationship progressed? I

just can't see myself calling out, Oh,
Nitro. Oh, Nitro. But he's a celebrity.

mean, think of all the great stories you
could get from that.

You go out with guys for great stories?

What, do you think I dated Richard
Mulligan because I liked him?

Hi, Ellen. Hi, Paige. Anyone up for
lunch?

Audrey, sue anyone on the way over?

My insurance guy is so aggressive.

Ellen, these came for you.

Really? Yeah. I never get flowers.

Be my glycerin, love Nitro.

Adam, Nitro's going to be here any
second.

Just let me finish my ice cream and I'm
gone.

Why can't I stay and meet him? Why is
this so important to you?

Well, you know, I was thinking that he
and I could start hanging out.

You know, I don't have many jock
friends.

You don't have any jock friends.

Well, what about Andy? He rides
dressage.

Anyway, as soon as Nitro gets here, he
and I are going to bond like nobody's

business.

That's him.

Okay, I'm ready.

More flowers.

Yeah, I like them.

That must have been a tough moment for
you in your life.

Florist, gladiator.

What do I do?

Oh, this is my friend Adam.

Hey.

How's it going, man?

Good. You?

Good.

You?

Good.

Well, it's hard to know when to jump
into this conversation, but...

We should get going. Sure, let's go.

This wine is wonderful.

It's a Louis Latour 1967.

I discovered it when I was in Paris.

Really? Were you on Le Gladiator
Francais?

Actually, I was abroad to study. I got
my degree in French literature.

Really? I mean, really, really?

What, you think because of what I do for
a living I must be some kind of moron

or something? Yes, I do.

I feel terrible, but I did.

It's all right.

When you weigh 210 and wear a spandex
tank top to work, you're kind of asking

for it.

So, uh, do you like gladiating? Oh,
yeah, I love it.

It's physical, it's fun.

Every once in a while, you get to meet
someone very special.

Oh, Nitro.

Is that a chini alfongi? Thank you.

And you had the turkey.

Sure. Let me get your fresh cup. Thank
you. And may I say the service here is

excellent.

It's my pleasure.

Brian. It's Bill.

Oh. Oh, could you get me some more
cream?

You got legs? Get it yourself.

How's the protein shake coming?

Mmm, that's good seaweed. Want some?

No, I think I'll snack on some of this
trash.

So how's it going with nitro?

It's going great.

I'm going to see him again this weekend.
I am dating an American gladiator. Joe,

no jokes.

I think it's sweet.

But if things don't work out, I can set
you up with a Mighty Morphin Power

Ranger.

Yeah, keep laughing. I won't have you
around next time Nitro's over.

Hey, don't even joke about that.

We really hit it off.

Ellen.

Nitro.

Hey. Hi. What a nice surprise.

Hey, Nitro.

How's it going, ma 'am? Good, you? Good,
you?

Good.

Listen, I've got to talk to Ellen, all
right?

Gotcha.

Can we go sit down for a second? Yeah.

What's up?

Well, first of all, I had a great time
last night. Oh, me too. I did. And it

so nice of you to turn those people's
motorhome back on its wheels.

The thing is, though, I can't see you
anymore.

Because you're going blind?

It's not you. I mean, you're great,
you're pretty, you're funny, you're

I can change.

I just don't feel we have any chemistry.

Oh.

Well, I thought we did, but, um... Okay.
I mean, I understand. That's fine.

Sorry, Ellen. Okay. Bye.

What did you do to him?

Oh, Ellen, I'm so sorry Nyko dumped you.
Did he give you any reason?

Chemistry. You know how that's spelled.
T -O -O -F -A -T.

I'm so tired. I should... I should,
uh... You should go.

Audrey, you have not to call your lawyer
off of me. I mean, now my bank accounts

are frozen.

It's just until we verify your assets.

How can you sue a friend?

It's not personal.

Even my mom and I are suing each other.
I stuck the subpoena into her Mother's

Day card.

But I'm sensing a little hostility, so
maybe I'll scoot.

Bye, Ellen. Bye, Paige.

Drop dead, Audrey.

You silly.

Chip, I thought you were in training.

I am. I'm carbo -loading.

Those are high in fat. So I'm fat
-loading. The point is I'm loading.

Competition's tomorrow.

You looking forward to it?

I guess so. I just don't know what to
say when I see nitro.

How about, um, go to hell, you had your
chance, you ridiculous, over -inflated

loser. Yeah.

Or, hi.

Mike Adamley will interview you in a
couple of minutes, and then you go to

jobs. Fired up, Morgan. I sure am,
Freeman Snyder.

Hi, Adam.

Hi, Paige.

Um, Paige, I've been meaning to ask you.
Do you own your car outright, or are

you still making payments?

I own it.

Why?

Just making conversation.

I saw that skinny -looking bookworm you
were dating.

Ellen, I liked her. You did not. You're
only dating her to make me jealous.

No, I really think that I like... Nitro,
let me do the thinking. You just sit

there and look pretty.

Well, well, well, Nitro.

Ellen. Now I see the truth.

I was just a pawn in your sick little
gladiator love game.

Funny, they didn't tell me that it was
scrawny.

Loser week?

You call yourself a gladiator?

You wouldn't last a day in ancient Rome.

Here you are. We need you for your
interview.

Well, Ellen, your first event is the
joust. I imagine you are psyched. Not

really, no. Well, sure you are.

What's the point?

Okay, so how about an opinion about your
first opponent?

You've got a mighty tough draw, Ice.

I'm going up against ice.

Right here, right now. What do you think
about that?

I'll kill it. Oh, that's the spirit.

No, no, no. I mean it. I'll kill you,
Ice. You hear me? You're a dead woman.

are one dead gladiator. When I get done
with you, you won't even be a gladiator.

You'll be a... You'll be a satiator!
Well, there you have it. And it looks

we have to make ends of a mighty good
grudge match.

Hey,

look. There's Ellen.

And there's Nitro.

Hey, Nitro!

How you doing, buddy?

He's a friend of mine.

So the stage is set. Our marquee event,
the Chows, and our challenger, Ellen

Morgan, the belligerent bookseller,
taking on our very own Ice Ice Baby.

Contenders always look mean before this
event, but with these two, it almost

seems personal.

Three, two, one.

I'm certainly not intimidated.

She's a regular raging retailer.

Uh -oh, it could be curtains for the
smoking small businesswoman. Ellen in

trouble. She's in big trouble.

Thanks for keeping nice and warm for me.

That's from something to me?

That's because I just don't like you.

I don't believe this. What else, Jen?
Edwin Morgan has nothing. He's still

Christ, look who it was.

Who's the gladiator now?

Who's the gladiator now?

I can handle it. I can handle it. I can
handle it. Hey, you were spectacular.

Can I get another chance, please?

Sure, I'll give you another chance.

Disqualified, huh?

Unsportsmanlike conduct.

First time in American gladiator
history. But you know what? It was worth

Plus, I got this neat hat.

Oh, by the way, you left that seaweed
stuff out. Oh, throw that out. Throw it

out. Better yet, you know what you
should do?

Put on like a safe suit or something and
get in the car and drive about five

miles out of town and bury it way deep
down in somebody's backyard or

Don't let Diane Sawyer or anybody see
you because you'd get in trouble. Come

back and scrub down real good.

Okay. Ellen, I have got the best news.

I just got into another car accident.
Hey, that is good news.

Paige, I am so sorry.

Again? Yeah, and this time she hit me.

You stopped so suddenly. It was almost
as if you wanted me to hit you.

You silly.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Oh, Paige, we're friends. Why can't we
just handle this between us? Because I

think this way it would be so much more
of a hoot.

Could I get a refill, please?

Sure, why don't you have a seat and I'll
bring it right to you.

Brian.

How'd you know my name?

Wild guess.

Oh, that.

Look, I hope that didn't get you into
trouble.

Oh, no, not at all. Because I have to
say, you've changed.

You're courteous, attentive,
professional.

Let's... Let's just put that whole
misunderstanding behind us. Sure we can.

Tell you what, as a peace offering, I'll
make you one of my special St. Paddy's

Day cappuccinos.

That sounds wonderful. Thanks.