All language subtitles for ellen_s02e14_the_apartment

Of course he's guilty. But are they
going to find him guilty? I met the

-in -law of the ex -boyfriend of the
court stenographer, and she says, no

Yeah. Well, my dry cleaner and I give
him a lot of business, so he's not about

to lie to me.

His cousin works in the prison laundry,
and he met the ex -wife of one of his

golfing buddies who said that he said
that he did it.

What did he say exactly?

I don't know.

Yep, I did it. I killed him.

What can I say?

Something like that.

I have our whole day planned. We're
going for a hike in Topanga Canyon, and

we're going to have lunch at the beach.
I can't. I'm going apartment hunting

with Audrey.

Audrey? Blow her off.

Can't. Don't like her enough.

You just blew me off.

That's because I like you. I don't feel
guilty when I blow you off. Believe me,

if we weren't so close, I'd spend a lot
more time with you.

I can't believe it.

Some psycho stole my newspaper again.

What kind of depraved mind sees a poor
defenseless little newspaper sitting on

welcome mat and decides to snatch it up?

Animal.

Adam, the mat does say welcome.

No, Ellen, it does not. It's Garfield,
and it says wipe your paws.

Why don't you just buy another paper?

Oh, just buy another paper. Just sweep
the problem under the rug. You know,

you're what's wrong with America.

I'm going to do something about this.

Hi, Ellen. Ready to go?

Yeah.

Paige.

Hi, Audrey.

Don't tell me. It's on the tip of my
tongue.

Adam. Oh.

Ellen, thanks again for coming with me.
I can always count on you to be free on

a weekend.

So, why are you moving?

My apartment complex has become filled
with half of young Hollywood.

Party, party, party.

Well, guess what, Keanu? At night, I
like to sleep.

I would love to find a place in this
neighborhood.

Oh, Ellen, wouldn't it be great? I would
be here all the time.

I'd be like a fixture in this place.

I'd be like that lamp.

Race you to the car.

The key to finding a good apartment is
to just keep driving.

Up and down, block by block, over and
over, day after day after day.

Hey, here's one. How do you feel about
San Diego?

Alan, don't make me laugh. I have to
pee.

I don't understand why you don't want to
look in your neighborhood. It seems

kind of sweet.

Sure, if you don't mind living in the
middle of Gang Central.

Look at that guy over there selling
crack.

Those look like oranges.

Dear sweet Audrey, so young, so naive.

The place is crawling with gang members.

Look, there are five of them crossing in
front of us right now.

They act like they own the place.

Oh, and that's a family.

You wouldn't laugh today on this block.

Look, they're in their colors. They're
navy and khaki.

They look like... Oh, yep, they are.
They're, uh...

They're gaps, all right.

Look at this. Does this look like it's
been gnawed at?

Oh, those are rat teeth, definitely.

What's the matter?

Oh, this is terrible. I can't be around
rats.

Rats terrify me. But they're so cute.
What scares you about them?

Your little black eyes? No.

Your long pink tails? No.

Your cute little whiskers?

Hey.

So, did you manage to find Audrey an
apartment far, far away? We found many

apartments. She didn't take any of them.

It was the longest Saturday of my life.

Did you know that one Audrey Saturday is
equal to seven human Saturdays?

I can't believe I'm going out again this
weekend. You're going again? I have to.

She's got her eye on an apartment in my
neighborhood.

I must protect my community.

You've got to find a place and just sell
her on it. She's so picky. She passed

up one fabulous sublet because the phone
jacks were beige.

Well, beige.

She's not a savage.

You are not going to believe who I met
this morning.

Come on, yes.

Gary Coleman?

Alternate juror. Number 16.

I bet he got teased a lot in grade
school for that kind of name.

You focus.

We're talking.

The case.

I'm having dinner with him tomorrow
night. Really?

What's he like?

Very intense, very into jury duty, and
very paranoid about being exposed to any

kind of information about the case.

So what'd you talk about? Did he give
you any dirt?

No, he gave me nothing. He's honorable
and decent and good.

I can break him.

Here we are.

Oh, Audrey.

I think... I know I've said this a lot
today, but... Wow.

Tell you what. Why don't you take a
couple of minutes, decide what you want

do. I go take a leak. How's that sound?

Like poetry.

Thanks.

I don't know, Ellen. I think I'd rather
go back and look in your neighborhood.

Oh, I can't stand this.

What do you mean?

I mean, I can't.

I can't stand here and watch you make
the biggest mistake of your life.

I mean, up until now, I've held my
tongue because I figured, you know,

knows what she's doing, but I can be
silent no longer. Girlfriend, this

apartment is you.

You really think so?

Look at the phone jack.

White as white can be.

That's kind of nice.

Look at the ceiling.

Are you crazy?

He just takes a pulpit of the 405 to the
10 to the 110 to the 101 and you shoot

down Highland and it's Howdy Neighbor.

What am I saying? It's going to be me
who's going to be here all the time.

You mean it?

Oh, well, it's so convenient to my motor
oil recycling center.

Well, I do kind of like the foyer.

Audrey, chill.

I mean, we know you love the place, but
you've got to be cool around the

manager.

So, uh, what are you thinking?

Negotiations can be very delicate. Let
me handle this.

How much for this place?

$500 a month.

We'll give you $450.

No. $470. No. $490. No. $91. No. $92.
No. $93. No. $94. No. $95. All right.

right. $495.

We've got a deal.

Ellen, you are remarkable.

That's right.

Finished third in the Ironman.

It's probably the greatest
accomplishment of my life.

I'll be damned.

So, what happened in the judge's
chambers? Did you see the knife? You saw

knife, right?

Paige.

I can't really discuss that with you.

Come on.

No one has to know.

I'm sorry, I can't. He's entitled to a
fair and speedy trial, and I will not

jeopardize that right with idle gossip.

Even if the gossiper is as attractive as
you.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

So, triathlons.

That sounds tiring.

I don't know why you just don't use the
old -fashioned traps.

Set them out, whack, end of story, get
the job done a lot quicker, if you ask

me. I can't believe you just said that.

I think after three weeks you know a
person.

Monster!

This is so much more humane.

What are we using for bait here?

Talagio. It's a sharp, runny Italian
cheese.

I still think we should use peanut
butter. That's what they use to get the

to crawl on Ernest Borgnine.

Hey.

Joe. Adam.

Well, the jig is up for the paper thief.

Check it out.

Dental floss.

Oh, I get it. So you're going to catch
him, pin him down, and with a very

up -and -down motion, remove his plaque.

having to understand. See, a single
invisible strand of floss is attached to

newspaper. From there, it runs through a
complex series of pulleys and eyelets

into the broom closet, and there, it's
connected to the cable release on my

camera. He grabs my newspaper.

Flash! I've got my man.

It's not on an episode of MacGyver.

Nah, probably just a slight tremor miles
away from here.

Yeah, you're right. Except in that
teeny, there's probably no damage at

Unless you're living in the most poorly
constructed building, like right on the

epicenter.

By the book.

Hi Ellen, it's Audrey.

I think I may need a place to stay.

Audrey! What?

I kind of like my Sunday mornings to be
quiet, you know, until, like, 60 Minutes

comes on.

I'm sorry.

I guess I've been a little selfish since
narrowly escaping death when the

apartment you talked me into taking
collapsed around me.

Well, maybe it's time to, uh, you know,
to get back out there, because there are

a lot of great listings still.

Here's a huge one -bedroom in Beachwood
Canyon. Great view.

What do I need with a view? Am I going
to be sitting and staring out the window

all day?

Excuse me, I have a job.

Okay, that's fair enough. Here's one in
Santa Monica Canyon.

Too far.

There's an oceanfront castle on 70 acres
for free.

If I'm getting on your nerves living
with you, just say the word and I'll be

gone. No, I didn't mean anything by it.
I'm sorry.

It's been great having you here for
seven days.

For a whole week.

Oh, my God.

You're right. It's been a whole week.

I'm so insensitive.

I completely forgot this is our one
-week anniversary of living together.

And what better way to celebrate than a
good old -fashioned apartment hunt?

Oh, that can wait. Let's hit the
supermarket for some powdered donuts and

spumanti.

Ah, well, once again, I find myself in
the position of racing you to your car.

Oh, silly.

I really think I need buns with steel.

I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

Well, the paper thief has struck again.

It's in my butt.

Better? Yeah, a little better.

Ellen, this time he not only took my
newspaper, he also took my camera and my

dental floss.

He's obviously some type of criminal
genius.

I'm not giving up.

In the meantime, can I have your comics?

Sure.

Yesterday, Kathy made this bunch of
brownies.

Today, I think she's going to eat them.

She doesn't. You're going to die.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, he's around a lot.

Well, he lives across the hall.

I get it. You've got a friend. They're
kind of clingy, but you don't know how

shake them.

Here's what you say.

We're friends.

I like you. I like being with you.

But there's a wall.

I like you, but there's a wall.

Audrey, we're friends.

I like you. I like being with you, but
there's a wall.

I like you, but there's a wall.

Good!

Paige, hi!

Oh, it's so great to see you. Come sit
down. Hi, Audrey. Paige.

How's everything going with alternate
juror number 16? Did he mention anything

about the bloody glove?

No, but I know every stinking detail
about stupid triathlons in crappy

Oh, but number 16 did tell me something
that might interest the two of you guys.

It seems that a friend of his wants to
rent out a guest house overlooking the

beach. Oh, Audrey, did you hear that?

Of course I did. She's practically
yelling.

I can never rent a guest house. How
depressing.

I feel like I was living under
feudalism.

Well, still, I mean, we should look.

And then when you get back, maybe we can
go to lunch.

Oh, that sounds really great.

There's a wall.

At the foot of the rose garden, you can
see an ornate wooden swing.

The owner brought that back from Bali.

And from there, you can just... Sit and
enjoy the Pacific.

That sounds exciting for the first five
minutes.

I have a view outside of my apartment of
Bob's Big Boy.

It's kind of frightening, actually, that
big, gigantic, baby -headed big boy

staring at you when you're brushing your
teeth at night.

There's also a two -car garage, a washer
-dryer, and a microwave oven. Not to

mention peacocks, rabbits, and a family
of deer.

No wonder old McDonald can't find a
tenant.

I'll give you some time to look around.
If you have any questions... I'll be out

by the spa.

Spa?

Audrey, did you hear that?

Of course. Why is everybody yelling?

So what do you think?

Where to begin? The damp air, the
endless commute to civilization, the

peacock, and rabbits everywhere?

I don't get it. This place is perfect.

Please. I'd rather stay at your
apartment.

Okay. You take my apartment.

Debbie?

I'll take it.

That's the last of them.

The movers are bringing in the bigger
stuff tomorrow.

Wow, this is so weird. This is happening
so fast.

I'm really going to miss having you next
door.

I can't believe that you are going to be
living across the hall from Audrey.

Tell me about it. She's got to be the
most annoying person I've ever met.

I wonder if she'd sleep with me.

I am going to love living here.

Look at that sunset.

Yeah, it is beautiful, isn't it?

Sure is.

This always west, right?

No, this is west. That's south.

So then this direction would be north?

Uh -huh.

Wow, I guess out by the beach you get a
360 degree...

I'll get your photo albums. I'll get the
door.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Have some dignity, for God's sake.

I loosened it.

Good on you.

Don't worry about stretching it out. I'm
sure it'll shrink back to its original

size in the dryer.

Thanks again for letting me stay here
last night. Oh, I insist.

You've been through a terrible ordeal.

Sunny D?

No, thanks.

This is really kind of ironic.

Just yesterday, this was my apartment,
and you were the guest, very close to

finding your own place, and now...

Today, just one day later, it's the
other way around.

It's kind of funny, because I never even
got a chance to completely move into my

guest house before it burned down.

So technically, I never moved out. And
in a very real, potentially small claims

court kind of a way, this is still my
apartment.

Ellen, if this is your way of hinting
around that you want to move back in,

all for it.

Really? Of course.

I mean, let's face it. Between my
earthquake and your fire, I think Mother

Nature is sending us a message.

She's saying, take down that wall.

You two should live together.

No, that's not what I meant. Ellen,
sometimes when God closes a door, he

window.

I know. I just feel like I want to jump
out of it.

But it would be so great. I've got two
bedrooms here, and now that I've fixed

the place up... Yeah.

It's amazing what a couple hundred
ceramic kitties will do.

Audrey, Ellen, it's Paige. Can we come
in for a sec? Sure.

Price of clothes.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, this is my new friend, alternate
juror number 16.

Paige, please.

Just call me number 16.

Don't move, unless you want to feel the
sting of my pepper spray.

Okay, now put the paper down nice and
easy.

Very good. Now kick it over to the lady
in the ill -fitting bathroom.

Go on.

Very nice. Ellen, now pick up the paper
and read me what it says on the label.

Adam Green, psychopath.

Thank you.

Selman from Apartment 9. I should have
known.

Shut up!

Hands over your head!

I want you out of here by sundown now.
Get out of my sight!

It's on Selman's apartment.

Oh, my God!

The blood on the knife matches the blood
on the glove, but they're saying it was

improperly impounded. No!

Nice again for letting

me have my apartment back.

Well, if we're not going to be
roommates, what do I need with a two

Besides, Selman's apartment has air
conditioning and a breakfast nook. It's

practically a miracle.

Yeah. You know, sometimes when God opens
a door, he kicks a petty thief out of

his apartment, opens another door, walks
you down the hall, shows you the

thief's apartment, and gives you air
conditioning.

I'm not sure God always does that.

Ellen, don't be sad.

So we're not roommates.

We're still neighbors.

I'll be here just as often.

Well, that does soften the blow.

So, breakfast tomorrow at 7. See you
then, neighbor.

Okay. Bye.

Why?

Why?

Oops,

I forgot Inky.

Oh, Ellen, it's just till tomorrow
morning.

So you take Sunset to the Palisades and
Will Rogers Park will be on your right.

And let them out in that big green field
by the pine trees.

Okay. Oh, look at them.

Thirteen of the little, well, not so
little buggers.

They're so precious.

I didn't think you wanted to kill them.

Ixnay on the ilkay, the atsray may be
isning lay.

Careful. Yeah.

Drive carefully. Yeah.

You made sure all the lid latches were
closed, right?

Lid latches?