Original subtitles

Look at him.

He looks all right.

Yeah, almost human.

He's got his tea in the saucer. Oh, so I must have done it coming up the stairs.

Oh, all right.

Oh, now, don't put your fingers in the hot tea. It was cold, but the biscuit's

all soggy. Well, you can't give him that, love. No, I'll eat it.

Oh, you've drunk his tea.

Oh, yeah.

Well, he seems to be settling in all right.

The only thing that worries me, love, is what he's done with his laundry.

He gave you his laundry yesterday.

What? One pair of socks?

Yeah.

Let's see.

What about his unmentionables?

He didn't mention them.

Let me tell you another thing he didn't mention. What? Do you know what he's got

under his bed?

The what's -it?

Yeah. Oh, I know, dear. That's all right. I'll put it there. It's always

Yeah, but I bet you don't know what he put in it.

What? Five goldfish.

Is that what he put in it? I suppose it is my fault.

I did crack his bowl.

Oh, well, I never thought when I took him as a lodger I'd have to cope with

goldfish as well.

Here, I bet he's never had to look after himself.

I bet he's been waiting on hand and foot.

I'm not waiting on him hand and foot.

Wakey, wakey, come along, Inspector.

Morning, Inspector.

Oh, God, I just sat that curtain up with his back. I can't stand it like that.

Mr. Blake.

Come downstairs. Your breakfast will all be ready for you. All right, Mrs.

Butler.

Oh, I forgot his teacup.

I drank it, yes. Well, I drank it for you.

Oh,

there you are, Mr. Blake. I'm just doing your breakfast. Won't be a minute. Oh,

good, Mrs. Butler, because I'm late, you see. Oh,

the cover of the door. I'll get it.

I'm just doing your bacon and eggs.

Oh, good, Mrs. Butler, because I'm in a bit of hurry, you see. Here.

Can you do me just two bits of burnt bacon, a bit of fried bread fried on one

side and an egg done like a rock hard in the middle?

I can't give you that.

Why not? It's the same as you gave it to me yesterday.

Oh, I'm only joking, Mrs Butler. You're a good cook, really.

Proper home -grown, this is.

I don't know why Butler left, honestly.

Oh, well, it's very nice of you to say so.

And my son's doing very well in the car factory, you know. Yes, he phoned and

said, last week... He had 2 ,000 components passed through his hands.

Yeah, well, he always was a bat of fingers.

Here, what a cheek.

That was the postman. I had to pay him 5p. One of the letters never had a stamp

on. Yeah, I'll bet it was one for you from your brother, Stan. No, it wasn't.

was one for you.

Oh. Here, Mum, there was one for Stan.

Oh, how lovely, love.

I'll tell you what to do.

Open it and read it.

Did you pay your rent last week?

I'll pay it tomorrow, Mrs Butler.

I'll read the rest of that letter, thank you very much.

Now, who's your letter from, Inspector?

Oh, it's from my mother, Mrs Butler. She wants to come to Luxton to pay me a

visit. Oh, how nice.

Oh, she's a wonderful woman, my mother, you know, Mrs Butler. You'd like her,

you know. I bet I would, yes.

Mrs Butler, if she does decide to come and pay a visit, do you think you could

put her up for the night?

Yes. Oh, good. Then she can stay for a couple of nights, eh?

Any time.

She's coming tonight.

What?

Now, what you got there, blokey? Here.

Oh, those flowers for me, then?

Now, don't start, Harper.

Oh, I never knew you cared.

Here, he's so shy of me now, he's got to say it with flowers.

If I ever wanted to say it to you with flowers, Harper, I'd say it with a bunch

of deadly nightshade.

He's happened to be for a very special lady. I've sorted out the sleeping

arrangements for tonight.

I wondered why your digs were so cheap. Oh, you dirty old man. Has he taken

advantage of Olive?

Has he taken advantage of Olive?

He must be out of his mind.

He's happened to be for my mother, who's coming to pay us a visit.

Ain't she, Olive? Yeah, he's coming tonight.

Yeah, see?

So you can get your buses out.

Mum told me that you're to sleep on the sofa downstairs so that your mum can

have your room upstairs.

Who? Well, why can't you sleep on the sofa downstairs? It's your house.

Because I'm a lady.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, I don't want no bother. Just to give her a nice comfortable stay,

yeah. She's done a lot for me, you know. She's made me what I am today.

Yeah, she's got a lot to answer for, then, hasn't she?

Quick.

I don't want no arguments. Anything so long as she has a nice peaceful rest.

you'd better put her on our bus then. We'll drop her off at the cemetery

You must be Inspector Blake's mother.

Yes. I'm Stan's mother.

Who's Stan?

Ollie's brother.

Who's Ollie's? Stan's sister.

You know, Stan Butler.

Oh, Stan Butler.

Yes, I've heard all about him.

Oh, do come in.

Oh, this case is so heavy, I've had to carry it all the way to your door.

From the station?

No, from the taxi.

Cyril doesn't like me carrying heavy things. Oh.

This way.

There we are.

Thanks.

Is this your only room?

No, I've got a front room, but I can't show it to you now because Inspector

Blake's sleeping there.

What, Cyril's sleeping at this time of day while he's at work?

Oh, he is at work. Even Oliver at work.

But we've had to put a bed up in there for tonight.

Well, where does he sleep as an ordinary way?

Well, in the bedroom, but he's had to move out for you to move in.

You moved him out?

But he pies you, doesn't he?

Yes.

Oh.

Shall I take your coat?

No, thanks. I think I'll keep it on in here. It's a bit chilly, isn't it?

Oh.

Did you have a good journey?

No. Oh.

Would you like a cup of tea? I'm just going to make some tea.

I prefer coffee.

Oh, good.

I've got some special instant tea. Oh, no, no. No, don't bother.

Oh, don't hold with that parrot stuff.

Actually, at home, we have a percolator.

Oh. Well, I'm sure Inspector Blake and Ollie will be in soon.

I hope.

I'm quite looking forward to seeing Cyril, Mrs. Butler.

Oh, please.

Call me Ethel.

All right.

Ethel.

And what shall I call you?

You can call me Mrs. Blake.

There they are now. Oh, thank God.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It's a proper home from home. Oh, really?

Are you eating your greens every day?

What? Are you making sure he's eating his greens every day, Ethel? No.

You know, they keep him in condition. I used to worry about his greens when he

was a little boy.

Yes. How about your undies?

What about my undies?

Are you changing them regularly? No, no, no. Are you making sure he's changing

his undies regularly, Ethel? Oh, yes, well... Ah, it's only...

is my little Olive.

This is my mother.

This is Olive.

You know, Olive.

Olive. Oh, hello, Olive.

Hello. You work for my Cyril, don't you?

Yes. He must be a lovely boy to work for.

Yes, lovely.

Lovely. Excuse me.

Mark Todd, what a lump.

Now then, you've got to sit here.

Oh, yes, yes. And then we'll all sit down and have supper.

There.

Yes. I've made a low -staking kidney pie.

No pastry for me, thank you, Ethel. Oh. I have respect for my figure.

Cyril. Huh? Take your hat off.

Oh, sorry.

And let me see your hands.

What? Here.

Don't wash them, they're filthy.

And your neck.

There.

And after supper, we'll all sit round the fire and have a nice cosy chat.

I think I'll go to bed.

Must you?

No, ma 'am. It's only quarter to nine.

Yes, well, I'm tired. It's been a long day, what with all that travelling.

Oh, yes, it must have been. I'll show you to your room.

No, there's no need, Ethel.

Cyril can show me, since it's his room.

Oh, is there anything I can get you? A nightcap?

No, only wear a nightie.

A hot water bottle, if you like.

Oh, a...

Milk, no sugar. Do you have a daily paper?

Yes. Good. Well, I'd like that put on the tray.

Will that be all?

I think so.

Well, you could run out of bath for me when you wake me up.

Good night.

Come on, Phil.

Show me the room.

Isn't she lovely, eh?

I think we might ask her to stay a bit longer, don't you?

What a lovely day.

Lovely. If she wasn't the inspector's mum, I'd have chucked her out long ago.

There is our royal highness this morning.

Still in bed?

Oh, yeah. Asked a silly question.

Yeah, I thought she was only stopping here for a couple of days. So did I.

been here four already.

Oh, well, makes a nice bit of company for you.

Oh, very funny.

I'm worn out.

I mean, I don't mind having people to stay, but she makes so much work.

You know, you'd be surprised at this, Jack, but...

She's not a very nice person.

Oh, blimey, that doesn't surprise me. She's Dracula's mum, isn't she?

Ah, well, why don't you elbow her? Chuck her up.

I can't do that. What would the inspector say?

After all, he is Olive's boss.

And I might lose me lodger, and then where would I be?

Poor, but happy.

Where is Blakey this morning? Is he still in bed?

Oh, no, we went out early to see the eight o 'clock bus went out on time.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's all right. That's my bus.

You've got another cup of tea in that pot, Mrs Blake. It's a cold love.

Mrs Blake said the soup was overcooked. It was supposed to be a three -minute

egg. Well, you tell her it was supposed to be a two -day visit.

She gave me these as well.

What for? They'll never fit you.

No, not for me, for you.

For me?

I don't want her in our shoes.

Not to wear, Mum, to clean.

Can't take them back up again. Oh, can't have me breakfast first.

No, you take them back. She'll never leave without her shoes.

Now, honest, a pair of you, you want your edge red whacking on her hand and

like that. I mean, who does she think she is?

The inspector's mum.

Yeah, well, you've got a point there. But still, I mean, you can't go on like

this, can you?

I've had enough.

She treats this place like a blinking hotel.

Where are them shoes?

I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to tell her what she can do with them.

So sorry about your egg, Mrs Blake.

I'll put another one on for you straight away.

Don't bother, Ethel. I'll take an early lunch instead.

Oh, I ran your bath for you, Mrs Blake.

Yes, and you forgot to put my paper on the tray, didn't you? I'm not having a

bath this morning. Maybe tonight.

Oh, but we've had the heater on all night, especially.

Very wise with all that lot of washing up.

You ought to help your mother more, Olive. She's very hard worked.

I suppose I'd better get dressed.

Else somebody might think that I was being lazy. Mightn't they, Mr. Harper?

Ethel.

Ethel, by the way, I really am enjoying my visit.

The only trouble is I'm beginning to think I'm outstaying my welcome.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, you're so kind, but I do feel really I ought to go home.

You're back again.

Don't have to.

I could manage a few more days.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, me, Mrs B. Why did you have to say that?

I don't know, Jack. Me lips was moving and then words come out.

Well, I was the wrong words, man. Oh, what am I going to do?

Well, I reckon she's here for the duration.

Oh, well, it's very difficult, Jack.

Of course, I think I know why I don't like her. Why?

Because she's horrible.

Mean, despicable, vile and vicious.

Now, you know, I'm not the sort of one to say things like that about anybody.

But if she walked in that door now... I don't, Uncle dear.

I'm sorry to trouble you, but are my shoes ready?

No, your shoes are not ready.

And your shoes are not going to be ready.

And if you don't like it, you can get yourself to another hotel.

That's if you can find one where you will have... full board for 15 pence a

which is all you're paying me.

I can't do everything.

Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll go.

Harold's got to be very upset when he hears about this.

And you're going to tell him, aren't you, Mr. Harper?

You're going to tell him I've gone and why.

Now, please, no, no, please don't.

Don't do that. I'm ever so sorry.

How do you choose for you? Well, you spoke very harshly.

Well, I didn't mean it.

I tell you what.

Why don't we have a night out together?

What? Yes.

We could all go to bingo.

Oh.

Well.

As my guest, I'll pay for everything.

I'll pay for the ticket. I'll pay for everything inside. And I'll pay for all

the drinks.

All right, Ethel.

If you insist.

Number 10, Downing Street.

Hello, we've got a lucky winner here.

What was the number they called just before number 10? Oh, it doesn't matter,

love. The game's over.

I don't know how you ever win, honestly.

I don't. Neither do I. Well, I nearly did win that time. I only wanted one

number. Oh, never mind, Mum.

Yes, but it's so unfair. That's the third time running. Well, I know just

you feel, love. I've been coming here for months.

I've never won anything.

How about us all having another round of drinks, then? Oh, good idea.

I'll have another milk spout, please, Ethel. And I'll have a pint of pitta,

please. No,

thank you, Mum.

Would you get them for me, Inspector? Oh, thanks a lot.

You know, it really is very nice of you to bring us all here this evening,

Ethel. I do appreciate it. Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

Hello, hello. All enjoying ourselves, are we?

Here, Jack, why do you call Number 10 Downing Street?

Well, because that's where the Prime Minister lives.

Well, doesn't he play bingo?

Oh, it's all ridiculous.

The Prime Minister's got no time for this sort of thing. No, he's too busy

playing the organ, isn't he?

Tweet, Harper.

No, they're all...

Cyril, please, mind your manners.

Apologise to Mr Arthur.

Yes, quite right, Mrs Blake. You're not on duty now, Blakey.

Wait a minute, Mr Arthur.

Cyril's got to say it.

What? Sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah, well, I'd better start the next game then.

Honestly, Cyril gets more like his auntie June every day.

Who's auntie June?

Aunty June's my sister.

She's very like me, but not so nice. All right, now, fantastic.

Now, we come to the big game of the evening. Now, this will be played on the

special orange tickets, what you have purchased for £50 each.

What I've purchased? She hasn't even bought a drink yet.

Right, now, this is our week -to -week accumulator. Now, this is the tenth week

we've been playing this, and I'm happy to say that the jackpot has now reached

the magnificent sum of £97.

Steady down. This will be for any one line across.

All right, one line across. Call this decision the final.

Eyes down.

And here we go.

38, Raquel Welsh.

Number six, half a dozen.

Nine, Fraulein's refusal.

Nine.

Blakey's IQ, five.

one and two, and I've won two.

Thirty -two, a twiggy's chest.

Seventy -eight, old maid in the state.

I don't get it.

No, not the old maid, that's what she's going to say.

Now, now, you beast.

Seventy -six, John Bones.

Thank you, Luton Girls Choir.

the last number of this evening.

Number two, I'll be speaking.

House! House!

House! I've won! I've won!

I've won! I've won! I've won! I've won! I've won! I've won! I've won! I've won!

I thought she'd never ask.

Thank you, Mrs Blake.

Can you afford champagne, Ethel?

Can I afford champagne?

Without me joking, Pat will do.

Well, aren't you going to buy it?

No, it's all on you tonight.

But you just want the jackpot.

What's that got to do with it?

You said all the treats was on you tonight, didn't you, Cyril?

Mum, mum, mum. Now, don't start, mum. Mum, don't start.

Oh, did she not say that all the treats was on her tonight, did she?

Oh, yes.

Good. So long as we all understand each other, we see eye to eye.

I'll have another milk stout.

Oh, right. I will pay for the drink. But what about you sharing the winnings

with me? Yeah, Mum, what about giving her a drink? Sharing the good wine.

Yes, I know, but I bought the winning ticket.

Well, she did, Mum. She gave it to me.

I know, but I bought it. Don't I get nothing? Oh, give her something. Are you

the habit of taking back your present? And are you in the habit of not buying a

drink? when you've just one night to get back?

Well, it's only a rotten glass of beer, but if you're so mean... Mean? You've

got mean around there, don't you? Now, don't you shout at my mother!

All right, all right, shout at the lot of you. I'll buy the drinks. Good!

Here, Mr Butler, can you lend us a couple of quid?

Mum, mum, let me take the case, mum. No, no, no.

Mum, please!

No, I can manage on my own. No.

Mumma. I'm sorry you're going like this, Mum, honestly, but, you know, I'm glad

you came, all the same.

Are you?

Well, of course I am.

Now, don't flangle me, sir, like what happened last night.

I was standing up for her like you were.

I didn't stand up for her, Mum. Well, you didn't stand up for me, did you?

Mum, you did win £97. You could have bought her a drink, couldn't you? Well,

goodbye, Mrs Blake. It's been very nice having you. I hope you'll come and see

us again some day.

Yes, yes.

Well, I'm...

I'm sorry I can't see you off to the station, Mum, but duty calls, you know.

right.

I'll phone Aunty June and let her know to meet you at the other end, you know.

Will you please open the door?

I'll see you at your taxi then, shall I?

Bye. Bye -bye.

I'll see you at the night, then.

card from Aunty June.

Guess what? She's carrying a