Original subtitles

Yeah, let's have a couple more peas on there, darling. Yeah, lovely.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Jack.

Yeah? I see they want Father Chase to play for the football on Saturday still.

Oh, they must be joking, mate. Yeah, they've got some up, haven't they? Yeah.

And I'll have a bit of pudding as well, Jack. Put me some potatoes and peas on

there as well, will you?

That's it.

Can we play, Jack? Yeah, I'll play. It's all right, mate.

What's he putting up there, then?

Oh, blimey, they must be desperate. See what he says here?

£5 to all players if we win.

Hang about, mate. Look, Bob's playing.

Look, he's a team on his own. With him, we can't lose. It's a fiver for nothing.

Yeah. He's being money, isn't he? Of course it is.

Right, I'll let you put your name down. Yeah, sat my down and all. You won't put

your name down. You're not having you two playing on the team, mate.

You're not fit.

Look at Vesuvius here, look.

LAUGHTER And you're all floppy flabby. What are you talking about?

I'm fitter than you.

Fit? You're not fit. You're fat, mate. You're pudding sodden, butler.

You're 10 % man and 90 % spotted dick.

I've got to eat to keep alive, haven't I?

You've got enough to eat to feed the cartels.

Now, that's how much it takes to feed the cartels.

Well, you're not in the team, and that's it. Well, scrub it out, then. Scrubbing

you out.

God, look at that. Do you know what, Olive?

Since you've been to Clippy, you've been eating twice as much as if it's

possible. Now, don't tease me, Stan. You know I always get a big appetite when

I'm upset.

Upset? Blimey, it must be a disaster this time.

It is.

They've taken our telly away.

What for?

Because we haven't paid the last instalment.

Oh, don't tell me Mum's got behind me the rentals again.

I shall miss all my programmes.

Whatever will I do with myself in the evenings?

Well, you'll get yourself a fella.

Yeah, what will you do with yourself in the evenings?

Don't muck about, Jack. I've got to pick. Hey, Blakey, Blakey.

Let us play on the team on Saturday. I need the fiver. My mum's behind with the

rentals for the telly.

Yeah. Yeah, it's all right, Butler. Yeah, you can play.

He's going to let us play.

Dracula's human after all.

There's just one thing, Butler. Yeah?

It does mean you have to start training tonight in your own time.

Yeah, well... We don't have to train, do we? No training, no playing. No

playing, no winning. No winning, no fiver.

No fiver, no telly.

It's up already.

It's gone.

They've taken it away.

What is up?

Now the television.

Man, come for it this afternoon.

I'll be lost without me telly. We'll just have to sit here all evening

at each other.

I'm not standing for that. I'll get it back if it kills me.

Where's the money coming from?

I'm getting the fiver, Mum, for playing in the football team on Saturday.

Five pounds?

Are you playing for Arsenal?

No, I'm not. I'm playing in the depot team.

Oh. Yeah.

Here, Mum, where's those shorts I had when I was in the National Service?

Oh, dear.

Oh, I know.

Here they are. in a box under the stairs. Yeah, I'll practice it then, I

say. Well, I'll get them for you, but have your supper first.

Yeah, I'm starving. What is it?

Take your kidney pudding. Oh, great, great, great, great. Cool.

I'll go and get your chalk. Yeah, hurry up.

Come on, get a move on. I'm starving.

Hang on a minute.

Well, Blake, you took one away, didn't you today?

I've got to admit, eh? The old lady cooks a good, lovely pudding, doesn't

It's all for you.

No.

No. No, I'll check the thoughts. No, I'm not going to eat it. No.

Oh, Sam, you must be ill.

No, I'm not ill. No, Blakey says I'm putting a bit of weight on. If I put

on, I can't play Saturday.

No, I won't eat anything.

Oh, good. I'll have it then.

I get very hungry working on the buses all day.

If you get any fatter, we won't get a bus big enough to get you on.

I'm not fat. I'm just naturally big boned. You're big everything.

No, I'm sorry. No, you'll be ill if you hit that lot. I'd better help you out.

Come on. No, you said you didn't want any. Well, I'm going to eat now. No, you

said you did not want any. You're going to eat mine now. All right. Eat it, you

big fat piglet. Eat it.

I never worked like you said. If you're not fit, you can't work on the buses.

Yeah, and he was looking at you when he said it. Ah. Ah.

Oh, good, you got them, did you? Yeah.

Ooh, what's this sparkle?

Damn it, no. Oh, no, no, no. That's for taking a couple of inches off the waist.

No.

It's not going to be very comfortable around your waist.

It's not a corset, is it?

It's an exercise, though. You pull it in and out. I borrowed it off a lock. You

just go like that. Mate, it builds up the muscles. I tell you, look, it's

You go...

You don't look as though you've got any.

Stop stuffing your face and come and help me. Mum, hold this head and you

the other head.

Right now, pull it. Now, don't hold it that way. You hold it up that way. Right

now, you've got to pull it right as far as you can and then I grab the hold of

it and hold it, right? All right, ready?

Ready.

That's much good. Well, isn't me done all the work? Yeah, well, I'll try the

other exercise he showed me. Now, you've got to help me with this one, because

it's difficult.

Right. Right, do the same again. Lower it down, you pull it out, and it's one

those, you know.

This is good with the back. Yeah, well, hurry up, it's killing my...

way to lose weight.

Oh, I'm going to mess you down.

Give us a rotten thing like this.

Where's my shorts? I couldn't have put on all that.

Can I?

Well, no.

Let's try them on.

I've got shorts here.

Oh,

you've got funny legs.

I've got the best legs in the depot.

I'd like to see the others then.

Well, you can talk.

You'd put a great reality show on. Now, stop it. arguing the pair of you. Get

into these. Come on.

I've got you.

There we are. Now, pull up.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Here he is, the devil's answer to Alf Ramsey.

Now, listen to your lip, Alf.

Now, come on, fall in the straight line.

Come on, then.

Come on, fall in the straight line.

All right, all right.

Where's the rest of the team, then, of course? I expect they've been signed up

by Arsenal.

They're in the ledger. Come on, fellas.

Come on, you lot, come on.

Here's the fella who's going to win the game for us. Well, where's the fella

who's going to lose the game for us?

Is it the Jets changing?

What into a man?

He had a bit of trouble getting his training clover.

Come on then, Butler.

Butler. Come on. Are you ready?

Come on, I'm waiting for you. Oh, my God.

Where are you going then, soldiers of the river?

Funny, funny, funny.

Come on, King.

You can stand next to me, Shirley Temple. Don't you?

and I didn't know it was this big and I haven't tried them on before.

He's a big built man, your old man.

Look,

if you're going to make silly jokes about my old man, I'm going to. Oh, come

back here, droopy drawers. Don't get your knickers in a twist.

Pay attention, please.

Now, the first thing you do when you play football is learn how to control

ball. Now, this is what I'm going to show you how to do.

Dribbling and tackling tonight. Right.

Dribbling first, right? Now, when I do this dribbling, you'll notice that the

ball is glued to my foot, right? Never leaves my foot. Now, watch this.

Right now.

Shut up here.

Dribble down.

Dribble down.

Come on, Bob, get there, Bob.

Now, you show you how to do it. No, I won't. Come on, start, Bob. No. That's

boy. That's it.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No,

no,

no.

That's very good. Very good. That's more or less what I wanted you to do, yeah.

That's what I was just going to show you how to do it.

He's probably got Bob in the team to play like that. We don't have to bother

again. I'm going to learn you how to play football if you stay here all

Now, four by nine again.

Form a straight line, that's it.

Right, now then.

The next thing I'm going to do is to show you how to tackle somebody when

they've got the ball.

Right, Harper.

Lose that peg out of your mouth and try and get this ball off of me. Come on.

All right, then.

Right, then.

He's up like a general manager.

Oh, good evening, sir. I was just going to... Don't take your candy off the kid.

Will you stop knocking about?

All right, Cutler.

Wipe that stupid, silly grin off your face and you go and... Oh, sorry, I'm

getting a phone out of me. Come on. All right, then. Go on, let's go.

Did you go? No, I've seen them do it on telly, you see, when they tackle

someone.

But you never tackled me, did you? I don't have to, that's how I get a free

kick, see?

Then that's how you'll get a bucket of cold water in your face and all.

I can't stop mucking about.

Er, Blackie, can we pack it in now? I'm getting tired.

No, you can't, you've only just started five minutes ago.

Yeah, let's get the canty and have a cup of tea. You've got... Come here.

Get back there. Get... Get back, get back.

You're not in a swill -blooming sea. You're laying alone to play football.

You're out of condition, you. You're not at your subble, mate.

I'll give you a few exercises. That's what you need. Now, watch this one. This

is a good one.

Running backwards. Very good for the hamstrings. Watch this.

Keep your knees well up.

It's very good for your lungs.

Open in like that. Keep your knees well up. I'll tell you one thing about

biking. You'll never catch a bus running that way.

It's your bus, butler.

You drive so slow, it seems like you're driving it backwards.

What happened?

I'm sorry,

Bob, it was an accident.

Sorry? It's all right, mate. That's me at it for Saturday now. Oh, blimey,

that's a tourney without Bob playing. We've got no chance.

Get him up, get him up. Butler, you know what you've done, don't you? What?

You have just been and gone and done all these fellas out their £5 bonus. That's

what you've done. I didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident.

Accident? Look, we only get the £5 if we win.

And he's the only one who can play the blooming game.

other people that want to play. Other people?

I'd scrape the barrel, Butler, or she wouldn't be in the team.

We've got to think of something.

We've got to find somebody who's good.

Not we, Butler.

You.

Otherwise, these fellas all leave their five -pound bonus behind, don't they?

Oh, well, what about it, eh?

Yeah, well, uh... Here, I, uh... I wonder if Bobby Charlton's free on

Come on. Come on. Oi,

come on. Not in there. In there.

This is a busman from the Basildon team in this side. Come on.

Oh, there you are, butler. Where is he then? Eh? Where is his substitute?

He'd better be good, you know. All right, don't be funny. I couldn't find

anybody. No, I didn't think you would, somehow.

Look, but, Blake, we can still play with ten men, can't we? Oh, you can play

with ten men, all right. Well, Jack, come on.

Unfortunately...

It was a condition of the fiver that we fielded a full side.

So you'll be playing, but you'll be playing for love, see? Oh, blimey. You

get your fiver, chap. You're playing for love. No, hang about, Blake. We need

another man, right? That's right. We've got another man. Who? Ollie.

She's not the man.

Prove it.

You won't prove it. Don't worry, Mrs Butler. I've got no intention of trying.

No, Jack's right. I mean, we could have Olive playing for us, make up the 11,

then we'd get the fiver. That's right, isn't it?

Do you like to play? I'd love to.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, I do. She can't. Why not?

Because she's a woman.

How do you think the others started to feel about a woman playing? With Olive

playing, they wouldn't notice the difference.

There you go, my little one. It's very feminine. I used to play in goal at

school. They never got any goals past me.

There wasn't much room past you.

That was saucy. Come on, lad, let's make the tea.

Come on, get changed. Please let me play.

No, I'm sorry, lad, but I mean, whoever heard of a woman playing in a men's

football match?

Number one. Ah, number two. This is our dressing room, girls.

If the other side agreed you're only playing, it'd be all right. Well, they

won't agree, will they? Well, look, we can only ask them, can't we? Come on.

They're a nice lot of fellas.

They can't be worse than you lot, can they?

must be a woman's hockey team. Yeah. Oh, the Bashes must be changing someone

else. Come on. Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Let's play a little trick on Blakey. What do you mean?

You know, for them.

Oh, lovely.

Come on, lovely.

Blakey, where's Blakey?

Blakey, are you in there?

Oh, there you are.

Blake, I've had a word with the Basildon Bashes captain, and if you'd like to

speak with them, they might let Olive play.

Well, there must be men.

Not inspectably.

It was them you see mucking about. I never showed myself in public life.

What disgraceful behaviour.

What are we playing, a team of sex maniacs?

Don't tell me you're the Basildon Bashers. That's right. I'm Eunice Jones,

accounts department's air captain.

left. This is Polly Potter.

She's a fullback.

She's a fullback, all right, yeah.

She's full all round.

We can't play.

This means somebody might get hurt.

Don't worry about us. We'll be all right.

I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about us.

What position do you play, love? I'm Iris, one of the forwards.

Are you? You look like two of the forwards.

I'm another forward. Rita, we're all forwards.

I'm backwards in coming forwards, aren't I?

Well, come on, love. Who's got the ball? I think I've got it hidden up there

jumping. It's me, sir.

I'm back now.

I'm back in Arsenal.

We're the Luxembourghians. But I was to go to Arsenal.

I'm going to take your scarf off. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

And, Mum, you'd better hold me glasses for me.

I'm frightened I might fall and break.

Oh, righto, righto. Yes, I will.

No, no!

This way!

Hello,

darling. What are you doing after the game? Nothing.

That's what you think.

I'm taking your name for that.

What's your name?

What are you talking about? You know me name.

You've still got to tell me what it is.

Butler. Right, B -U -T -L -E -R. You're still a steaming great Nick.

Right, I'm giving you a public warning for that. What are you talking about?

know me name.

Will you be sent off next time then? No.

Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where the ball is, please?

You're talking to the goalpost now.

light didn't answer.

Well, don't give it to me, mate. I'm busy, aren't I?

but I could cheerfully strangle you.

Right, get the ball. Come on, let's go.

Half -time.

Five nil for the ladies.

Now, what do you think you're playing at, eh?

When are you going to stop chasing the girls and start chasing the ball?

We're five nil down and it's only half -time.

Don't worry, Blackie. We'll get our bonus in the second half. At least I

Every time one of the girls' sides scores, there's no reason for you to go

kiss her as well.

What a sex maniac you are.

Can't leave the girls alone, can you?

Not at the Georgie best.

At least he waited till he got off the football field first, didn't he?

And that's another thing.

There's been far too much dirty play in the first half at all.

I've got ten names in my little book, Butler, and they're all yours.

There's been a lot of complaints about...

Listen, I never once handled that ball.

It's not the ball they're talking about you're handling.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here.

We did our best.

Did your best. I should like to see your blooming words.

I hope you get your drawers out.