Original subtitles

Get down out of there, come on.

Get down, come on.

What happened again?

What happened again? Well, it won't be late again.

Oh, so you were late for it. Well, no, no.

Well, I know what you're waiting to see us about. No, I didn't know about that.

No,

I wanted to do me a favour for it.

Now, look, I'm not looking after your piranha fish again.

Goldfish? No, no. That's what you think.

Yeah, I care.

I want you to sell some raffle tickets for it.

You cut me out of cab just for that? No, it's me.

Butler! Well, I might overlook the fact that you were late.

Now, what's this raffle all about there, Blackie? Oh, well, it's about stray

cats and dogs, you see. We provide new homes for stray cats and dogs. Never

about the stray cats and dogs. How about homes for us? Yeah, I can think of a

new home for the seen old bus inspector.

Now, look here. Are you going to sell these for me, or do I have to dock you

being late?

Look, why are you so interested in them?

Well, because I'm the local secretary of this National League.

It's a nationwide society, this, you know. We do a lot for the animals, don't

we? Oh, yeah.

Well, why are you so kind to animals and so cruel to us?

Because animals have got a bit more sense than you do, and they don't hold

back either.

Right then.

Now, look, there's marvellous prizes here, look. We've got a marvellous first

prize, I'll tell you. Oh, yeah? What is it? A year's supply of dog biscuits?

No. No, it's a night out with Lassie.

Oh, all right. It's a matter of back into mini.

Oh, yeah? Well, I like this one, is it?

Here, just chalk and go with it.

Go and get it out of here.

A brand new thing.

As a matter of fact, I've got two of them, Billy.

Yeah,

it'd be very useful to you, wouldn't it, Butler? Yeah.

If you ever learn to drive properly.

What's the other prizes then, Blackie?

Well, they don't say, actually, but it says that the money for the prizes have

been sent by animal lovers from all over the country. Yeah, I'll bet. Sounds

like a right old fiddle to me.

It's not a fiddle!

As a matter of fact, a professional organiser's been brought in to organise

Now, look, he's only three books, look. He's been drawn this week. I don't know,

Blakey, I don't know. Here, come on.

Five peas a ticket, 50 peas a book. Go on, go on.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind winning that new mini.

Yes, yes, I wouldn't mind winning it myself, actually. Yeah, me too.

If that's the case, there's a book for you then, Jack. Ah, get out!

Oi,

oi, oi!

Take that out of your own pocket.

It's all for a book call.

You'll drive me to my grave, you will, but... Well, up on we go to December

again.

Each finds at last its particular... Oh, darling.

Well, I think we've heard enough of that rubbish.

Say that again, mate. Go on, darling.

Oh, well, I think I'll go to bed.

You what?

It's only just gone nine.

Don't you fancy an early night, Arthur?

No, thanks very much.

Don't switch that on. It's a party political broadcast. Oh, pardon me for

living. Here, mind your feet, you.

What's on the other side?

A party political broadcast.

Oh, what a coincidence.

That's not a coincidence. You see, they're not satisfied with boring one

the population.

They'll have to bore the other half and all.

Look at me, great hypocrite, sitting there in this chapel rose suit,

for the homeless.

Here, talking about the homeless, I want to appeal to you, Harper. Well, you

don't.

No, Blake, he's trying to get me to sell these raffle tickets here.

Here, come on, come on, he'll sell them out, mate.

There we are.

There you are.

For a worthy charity, mate.

Yeah, well, charity begins at home, mate.

That's why I'm selling them at home.

Don't try and sell me one.

Well, give us a chance. I ain't asked you yet, have I? What are they for?

Look, it says here, it's for the, uh, it says there, there, at the top there,

National, uh, uh, straight up cats and dogs home.

No, I'm five feet speech, come on. No.

National. Cat, that.

do with you?

Nothing. It's just Blake. He's the honourable secretary, that's all.

Oh, come on, buy one, Arthur.

Help a stray cat.

Help one? I'm mad at one of you.

What's the prize?

First prize is a brand new minicar, Mum. No good to me. I can't drive.

Well, I can drive. I can take you out for Sunday afternoon runs, can't I? Oh,

yes, like last night. You were supposed to pick me up in your cab, but now you

didn't. I was...

Mum, you've made your point. You've made your point now. I know why you've been

stacking it on me all night. Mind your feet, you and all this sort of thing.

harbour grudges. That's your trouble. Mum, if you win the car, you can sell it

and have the money. And Blakey said there's plenty of other good prizes.

Oh, I can't be bothered with that. I couldn't afford to run a car.

I'm short of the housekeeping money again, too, this week. Oh, I'm sorry I

you. Arthur.

No, thank you, mate. I'd never win anything worth having. Oh, you won me,

Arthur. Need I say more?

All right, Stan.

I'll buy them. Oh, no, you won't. You're not using my money for betting and

gaming. It is my money. I earn it. Don't start another row. I've had enough with

Mum, haven't I?

Blimey, I'll buy them myself.

I've got no money on me. Here, lend us half a quid.

I've got to pay Blakey tomorrow.

Just one moment. Just one moment. What? You make sure you pay that back, mate.

It is payday tomorrow. You'll get it. Oh, you'll remember. Don't worry about

Mum, now, come on. Don't sit and sulk. I'll tell you what I'll do. Here, come

here. Here.

Tell you what I'll do. Here. I'll make them out in your name. Well, it depends.

I'll tell you. I'll make them out in your name. There you are. There, Mrs.

Butler.

There you are. And this, Mum. Here.

You can have them as a present, Colin. No, you can't get round me like that. I

never win anything.

I always lose draws.

Do you really?

You should use tighter elastic.

That's it.

Oh, yeah, stewed beef for me, darling.

What are you going to have, Jack?

Here, darling, have you got any dumplings?

Well, blimey, that was a ridiculous question, wasn't it?

Well, while you're on this topic... Get down, get down, Rover, get down.

Oh, God.

Yes, well, I'll still have a stewed beef. Will the beef go?

The beef is always off, but I'll still have it.

Now, it looks like you're going to have fish and chips or cold pork pie.

What's a cold pork pie like? Oh, I don't know. I haven't looked at it recently.

Oh, dear. Very funny. Right, we'll have two fish and chips, then. Right.

Lovely.

Right, sir.

Let's get on it.

Here we are, sweetheart.

Get to it, Jack.

Thanks, sir. Right. Where are we going to sit, then? Oh,

no. Oh, no. This is marvellous. We'll have a sit with him now. Hi, Blakey.

Oh, no, you two have to come and sit here.

Yep.

I don't know if you two morons realise it, but an inspector's job is a very

taxing task.

Inspectors ought to be allowed to eat alone.

I couldn't agree more there, Blakey, so I suggest you go and sit somewhere else.

I'm all taken now.

Well, let me eat me pudding in peace, will you?

Why, is it peace pudding?

You twit.

You got any more like that, have you? Yeah, I've got hundreds of those.

Now, Blackie, whatever happened to that stupid dog's own raffle of yours? Never

heard more about that, did we?

Yeah, I bought my mother a block of those tickets for a present. When's she

going to get her new mini, eh? The results of the draw have been announced

ago, haven't they? Oh, that's marvellous. How are we supposed to know

God, darling.

Oh, I told you it was a right old fiddle. Cheers, cheers. It's not a right

fiddle. A professional organiser was brought in to organise it. Look, in the

unlikely event of you winning, mate, your number would have been posted up on

the board, wouldn't it? What board?

The board over here, where they're always... Why don't you open your bloody

eyes, old man?

I bet we had one.

Here,

here, I've got it, I've got it, I've won!

I've won, no, no, no!

Look, 248071.

Ah, you're out, you're out. Oh, daddy won, haven't you?

What you mean is your mum's won.

Ah, your mum won.

Blimey, listen to this.

Blunky won £150 ,000 on the pools.

Oh, how lovely.

What do you mean lovely? I think it's disgusting.

I can't stand people who want something for nothing.

Olive, get my slippers.

What do you give me?

What do I... Nothing.

Oh, I can't stand people who want something for nothing.

I know. Give us a kiss.

You don't get my slippers, I'll give you a flick here.

Like a Prince Charming.

Mum, mum, mum, mum.

Mum, I've got some marvellous news for you. What is it?

I know.

You've got your bus out on time. No.

You know those raffle tickets for the cats and dogs home I bought you?

Yes. Well, you've won.

Eh?

What? Do you mean to say she's got that many? No, no. She ain't bought one of

the many, but she's won one of the other prizes.

What was it, a stray dog?

Oh, shut it.

That wasn't... Mum, you have won a fortnight's holiday in the Costa Brava.

Oh. Very nice of you, Mother -in -law.

Yeah. And it's for two.

Oh.

For two.

For two.

Oh, a holiday for two!

Yes.

Yes, Mother -in -law.

But who could I take with me?

I could wear my new bikini.

And I've never had my bottom pinched.

I don't know why Stanley is smiling.

With him out of favour, I must be first choice.

I know she's got the hump with me, but I can soon get round her.

I can't wait to get on the beach with those birds.

It's for Mum.

It's for Mum.

The National Cats and Dogs Home.

Don't think too thick.

Anyway, I'll give it to Mum.

You're creeping around like a burglar. Look what you've done. I didn't do that.

I've come down here to get Mum's breakfast. Oh, no, you haven't. I've

got her tray ready.

Well, I was here first. No, you weren't, mate. I've already made the tea and

toast. Well, I thought of it first.

Look, mate, clear up that mess and get up to bed.

Listen, I've come down here to do Mum's breakfast and that's that. Oh, yes.

Oh, I see. You're trying to butter her up so she'll take you away on holiday,

aren't you? Oh, yes. And I suppose you're doing this out of the goodness of

own heart, eh?

Well, at least I wouldn't leave my mother in the pouring rain while I was

pub swigging beer down. No, you might just as well go upstairs to bed. I'm not

going up to bed.

Oh, no, I'm going to do it.

Now,

Galloping Gourmet.

Well, what was it you were going to do?

I was going to get Mum two lightly boiled eggs. Oh, yes, well, you just go

ahead. You just go ahead.

Where are the eggs? You're sitting in them.

Have you got any more?

No, we haven't. You've broken them all. You're way too mummy, is this.

What are we going to give her, then?

Oh, it should just have to do with tea and toast, which I have made. Oh, no,

No, no.

But you haven't got a cup and saucer. I'll get the best cup and saucer out.

don't. A best cup and saucer. Yes, I will. Yes, I will.

Get off. Get out. Give me that.

Now,

look what you made me do. Look. Well, you should have interfered. Well, get

of it, then. I've got the cup and saucer. That's all I know. You

Come here, come here.

Don't be so childish. I'm not being childish.

She's my mum.

Well, she's my mother -in -law. That means I've got the law on my side.

You're not taking it up on your own.

I'll tell you what.

What? We're taking it up together.

Oh, no, we won't. No, no, no, no, we won't.

You, you, you can't, you can't.

You get out of here.

I'll chuck you behind the door. Yes, yes.

You've never done this before.

Ah, now I've got you. Now I've got you.

Right, right, right.

Ah! Please!

Please! Oh, no, no!

You've never ever done this before, have you?

Never. Never in your life have you done it.

Open the door.

Ah!

Then you caught me, see? You think I'm letting you go in this train? You've got

another thing coming. Well, now you're going to open it, then, mate.

My goodness, that's a nice surprise.

Well, not really, dear. Yeah, you seem to go crazy.

Oh, never mind, loves. One of you, please, draw the curtain. All right. You

to have your heads on.

I,

uh... Of course, Mum, I was going to make you a couple of lightly boiled

but Arthur smashed them.

Of course, he doesn't realise the Costa Brava's going up all the time. The Costa

what?

I said, cost a living, cost a living. Who mentioned it cost a brother?

Did you hear that, mother -in -law? What a Freudian slip.

Oh, by the way, Mum, a letter came for you this morning from the National

Australia Cats and Dogs Home.

You kept that very quiet. It's nothing to do with you anyway, is it?

It's most probably about the holiday, Mum. Oh, I wonder what it is.

Well, you'll have to find out unless you open it, are you?

Yes, I'm just supposed, it's just to tell me that I've won. So I expect it's

details of that holiday.

No, no, they most probably want to know who Mum's going to take with her.

Well, I think now, boys, as you've been so nice, I'll now have my breakfast.

Yes, was it about the holiday, Mum? Just a little information, dear.

Oh, Stan.

What, Mum?

You've forgotten the milk. Do you see that? You've forgotten the milk. You've

forgotten the milk. You've forgotten the milk. I'll get it. I'll get it. Don't

worry.

I'll get the milk.

I'll get the milk.

I'll get the milk.

I've got time. I'll get the milk.

I've got to go. I've got to go.

Come here.

There we are, boss.

Thanks for dropping me off.

Thanks.

Well, what was the information?

Just a few details, dears. Oh, Arthur.

You've forgotten the batter.

Never mind. I'll get it.

I'll get it.

You've got the milk, didn't you?

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

I'll take it. I'll take it.

I'll take it.

What was the information? The information was that the... Oh, boys,

forgotten the marmalade.

I can't remember the last time he sent you flowers. Oh, aren't they lovely?

Oh, look.

Here's some more.

Oh, look, Olive.

To my favourite mother -in -law from us.

and he's put a little kiss on the bottom.

I don't get a kiss anywhere.

Aren't they lovely?

I would have got you flowers too, Mum, but I was so busy helping you with the

shopping. Well, of course you were, my little love. You did very well carrying

all them heavy things.

Here. I wonder how Arthur's getting on with the laundry eggs.

Here we are, Mother -in -law.

Mind out the way, Olive. Mind out the way.

My goodness, I'm going to get a name for myself going around the streets with

things like this.

All ready for ironing? Yes, indeed, and I am going to do it. Oh, well, well.

Now, you come down here. You come down here and you sit down. Make yourself

comfortable. Put your feet up. I haven't done anything all day.

And quite right, mother -in -law. Oh, but what about the food? I must go and

that. I'll do the cooking.

Laundrette, it's not fair. You're doing too much. I don't know why you're trying

so hard. Do you know the sun always burns you anyway?

Well, flying won't do your operation any good, will it?

I had told you not to mention my operation. Now, now, children, quiet.

Here, has anyone seen Stan?

And the angels above.

You are too loud.

You're an old -fashioned mother of mine.

It's up and up, early mum and death. Well, I thought I'd do a bit of

for you, you know.

Up over to all your bedrooms, you know.

You shouldn't do it, love. Not after Andre's driving.

Ha! Andre's driving. All he does is sit on his backside.

Don't talk like a twit. How can I drive standing on my head then?

You might do a bit better, mate.

Oh, no, no. Give me that. Give me that. No, no, no. Sit where you are. Put your

feet up, ma 'am. You've got to be nice and rested so you can enjoy your nice

holiday. Holiday?

Yes. Trust you to bring that up, mate.

Oh. What do you mean by that, then?

I'll tell you what I mean. It seems very surprising to me that you've become so

attached to your vacuum cleaner. And I suppose you go round the Lord Rett every

day, eh? Ah,

now look what you're doing. You've burnt your knickers.

Mum, you've burnt your knickers. Look, look.

Well, I really do help Mum every day, don't I, Mum? Of course you do, love.

Well, you all do in your different ways.

Now, who's going to peel...

Get off my foot. Get off my foot. I'm not on your foot. I'm not on your foot.

You have done the housework, and it is my turn to do the baton. I am going to

the... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's all that about, Mr. B? Oh, it's been the

same, love. It's like telling them about winning the second prize in the raffle.

You know, two weeks on the Costa Brava for two.

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what. I'll peel the spuds for you, if you like. Oh.

Yes. Oh, yes.

I heard that. Oh, I... I've heard that, yes. So you'll peel the spuds, will you?

Why should Mum take you to the Costa Brava, eh? It's just a joke, mate.

I know you're a joke, so yes, yes. Why should you want to peel the spuds then,

eh? Well, what are you so eager to peel the spuds for, eh? I mean, the last bit

of spud -fashing you did must have been at Aldershot. Oh, yes.

Well, at least I did my national service.

Not like some Skyvers I know, eh?

That's a bit below the belt.

I can't help it if I had flat feet. Nothing to do with your flat feet, mate.

was that yellow street you got down the middle of your back.

Arthur alone.

I don't want him. You can have him. Don't talk to my wife like that. Oh,

changed. Nice to have a quiet family evening with the loved ones, eh, Missy

Oh, shut up. I'm fed up with you. I'm going to have a drink. Yeah, well,

what I came round to see you about. Fancy a pint, then? Go on, love. Go and

a drink with him.

No, on second thoughts, Mum, I'll stay here and finish the housework for you.

Yeah, all right then, Cinderella.

Here, how about you, Buttons?

Oh, no, that's very nice of you, Jack, but I have to stay at home and peel the

potatoes.

Now, let's get this straight, Arthur. Just because you're peeling the spuds

doesn't mean today Mum's going to take me to the Costa Brava, right?

If anybody's going to the Costa Brava, it should be me, because I bought the

tickets.

It was my money that bought the tickets, so if anyone should go to the Costa

Brava, it should be me.

Don't talk wet. You had no money of your own.

It was my money that I gave to you that you gave to him that bought the ticket.

Therefore, I go to the Costa Brava. You go to hell.

No. They can't go there. That's the third prize.

It doesn't matter. It was my money. I bought the tickets.

Ah, you have forgotten something, mate. What?

You never paid me my ten bob back, did you?

No.

Oh, well...

Soon fix that, can't I?

Soon remedy that, mate.

I don't want it. I don't want it. Take it away. Take it away.

Don't you touch it. Don't you touch it. Well, if no one else wants it, I'll have

it. Oh, there's the bill. I'll go and see who it is. No, you won't.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it. Yeah, look, Olive, get it. She never gets it.

I've got it.

Hello. Hello, Blackie. What do you want?

Well, I don't want you, do I?

Coming to see your mother. It's about the raffle. Oh, of course. Come in,

Blakey. Come in.

Mum! Mum!

Mum, Blakey's come to see you about the raffle. Oh, come in, Mr Blake. Sit down.

No. No, you sit down, Mrs Butler.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. Yeah, he's got some wonderful bad

news for you. Eh?

Yes, I'm afraid the professional organiser who was officially brought in

officially help to officiate...

He turned out to be a bit fishy.

Yes, apparently he helped himself so much to the prize money that there was

money left for the prizes. And, of course, as you know, that's illegal, so

afraid the thing's null and void. It means it's all off. Oh, yes.

Well, I must say, I find that a bit off.

No, it's all off, sir.

Wait a minute. What about Mum's fortnightly to Costa Brava?

Yeah, well, that's all off and on, I'm afraid.

Yeah, I told you it was a fiddle, didn't I? It wasn't a fiddle! Yes, it was.

Never mind.

Would you like a nice cup of tea? I'd love a cup of tea. Oh, good. I'll go and

put the kettle on. Just, just, just one moment, Mother -in -law.

You don't seem very upset.

Well, why should I be?

That was what was in the letter.

What did you tell us, then?

Well, why should I? You were all having such a lovely time making a fuck with

me. I didn't want to spoil your enjoyment.

Do you like a nice

cappuccino?