Original subtitles

On the bus is part one, production number 0763, recording date 261071, take

Oh, I'm not interrupting anything, am I? No, not in the canteen.

You can sit here. I'm just going to have a word with Betty.

Oh, Jack, what a right little sexpot, that one, eh? Yeah, not at all. Oh,

here, feel this seat. It's red hot. Is it?

Yeah, how long's she been sitting here?

Only about three minutes.

Oh, talk about hot pantsers. Must be scorching.

With a bit of luck, they might melt. Yeah.

Here, how you getting on? Oh, doddle, mate.

Yeah? Coming round to my house Saturday night, boy.

Oh, well, calm down, mate. You've still got another three days to wait.

Oh, that looks nice, Jack. Can I have a bit?

I thought you was dieting. Go on, then.

I've been.

Look, I've lost three inches off my waist.

If I don't anymore, my skirt will drop off.

Right, you're not having anything.

No, I've had a joke, you love. You have lost a lot of weight lately, haven't

you? Yeah.

Yeah. How much do you weigh?

Guess. Well, I don't know.

What do you say? Well, I mean, it depends on the bone structure, doesn't

mean, some birds have got small bones and a lot of flesh. Yeah. He's right

there. You can't talk to her without feeling, you see. It's like sort of

the weight of the turkey at the Christmas club, you know.

Yeah, I'll tell you the way we do it.

Down a minute, down a minute.

You've got me on.

No, I haven't got you on.

That's meaty, meaty Jack. See, as you go down, that's very meaty.

You haven't got a clue. Look, when it comes to judging the weight of a bird,

you've got to test the drumsticks.

I'll still say the weight.

What do you think you're doing, old mate?

These girls are not working here for your private pleasure, you know.

Oh, no, we were just guessing her weight.

Well, I've heard it called some things in my time, mate, but never that before.

Oh, it's true, Inspector.

I bet them they couldn't guess it.

See if you can, Mr Blake.

What? Oh, no, I have no idea at all. Oh, God, Blakey, I mean, it's just like

guessing the weight of the turkey at Christmas, isn't it?

She's not a turkey, mate.

No, no, it's dead right there. I mean, a turkey's a bird you only get once a

year.

Now, go on, Blakey. Now, get away. Go on. Go on, have a prod. Go on, have a

prod. You lecherous layabout, you.

How this girl weighs depends on entirely how she's built.

Well, I tell you how she's built, mate. She's double -fronted for a start.

Yes, and her base is not bad either. You're asking for it. You lecherous

layabout. Now, you get out and get your butt out. You're due out. Come on.

Listen, wait a minute.

You haven't guessed my weight yet.

Well, I bet I can.

But I'll have to pick you up first.

Well, everybody gets a chance to hold the curtain before they guess the right.

Here, come here. I will show you what I mean.

Sure.

Oh, that's strong.

About nine stands, ten and a half.

Well, what do you say, Stan?

Well... Don't you ask me out there.

Well, I don't have to do it, really. I mean... Can't you do it?

Aren't you strong enough?

Course he is. Go on, mate. It's only a question of technique, isn't it?

Come on, Butler.

Let's see you try it.

Come on.

All right. Come here, Dad. Easy.

Don't worry about that, mate. Nine stone champ.

Hang on, then. Here we go.

Oh, Vic! Vic!

Oh!

What did you let me go for?

Oh, Jeff!

Oh, yeah, I can't, I can't get up.

You all right, Butler? Oh, yes, yes, yes, he tell you, it's just a touch of

cramp. Oh, yeah, give us a hand, we'll straighten him up. Yeah, all right. Oh,

no, no, for God's sake, I can't stand it, I can't stand it.

Oh, oh, God, oh, oh, this is dreadful, this is, you've properly upset me there.

Oh, it's all right, he's not going to die.

No, it's not that, I'm worried about who's going to take his bus out.

Oh, oh, I'd better go and get the nurse, I think. No, no, no, I don't want the

nurse. No, it's not for you, it's for me, mate. Oh, God, it's my stomach

acid. Oh, it's all this aggravation.

I'd like to go and get another crew.

What have you done to yourself, Stanley?

Will he be all right? Yes, he'll be all right. I reckon he's slipped a disc.

He won't be like it for long, will he? Well, it depends. I mean, it might be

weeks.

There you go, mate. I'll be back within a day. Just you get me home, all.

That was a stupid thing to do, wasn't it, eh? I told you, you'll never catch

doing battle or picking up a woman.

If you did, you wouldn't know what to do, would you?

That was a playful business, that was.

What are you talking about, blimey? I've got you upstairs.

I haven't dressed you, put you to bed. What more do you want? God, you took

time, over it. Yeah, well, I'm not used to doing it to a fella.

Look at this. He's done all my pyjamas up wrong.

Yeah, well, generally speaking, when I get them upstairs, I don't have to

with putting pyjamas on them.

Not unless they're very fussy. If they come upstairs with you, they're not

fussy.

Listen, mate, in your state, you won't be having anybody upstairs with you for

very long time.

Well, I've got to get back to work. I'll see you, mate. Look after yourself.

Yeah, all right then, Jack, yeah.

Oh, cheers, Arthur.

See you, Jack.

Mars said I ought to bring you in an extra pillow.

Oh, thanks, Arthur, thanks.

Oh, it's when I lean back it does it, you see.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

Oh, blimey.

This pillow pongs a bit, doesn't it?

Oh, it's on his side of the bed, isn't it? She always smothers it in winter

green ointment.

Oh, it turns my stomach over, mate. It will absolutely stick.

Well, never mind, mate.

Take your mind off your back, won't it?

Oh, go on.

Here we are, love. I brought you a nice cup of nourishing soup. Oh, God, up to

do with that, Mum. Thanks very much.

It's not bad when I'm resting, you see.

But, oh, God, putting this with your arms on, what a painful experience. I'd

go through that again. Oh, no. Well, never mind. Now, drink that up. It's a

soup, yeah.

I'll patch it now.

The smell of her pillow's put me right off.

What's wrong with my pillow?

Well, it's all that wintergreen muck you put on it. What do you put it on for?

I put it on to keep my guitar away.

Gosh, you think it keeps Harper away?

I'll tell you something, they ought to issue that instead of the pill.

If you don't want my pillow, you needn't have it.

It'll be all down the street before you can say what.

Go take doctors who swore it was secrecy.

About your body, not about stained sheets.

Here, Ollie, go and get some clean sheets. And a clean pair of pyjamas. And

Arthur in. Oh, God, look at this mess.

Come on.

Oh, God, I mean, what a mess.

Come on, help me move him.

All right, come on. Take it slowly, take it slowly.

Oh, there's the bell.

That's the doctor.

Now, I'll just ease it over here.

Don't be such a big baby.

All right, then.

Oh!

Oh, you're enjoying this, aren't you?

Oh.

Oh.

What? Oh, the other one.

Oh. All right, you can get back into bed now. Thank you.

Oh. Oh.

Your reflex is all right.

And you obviously haven't got a slipped disc.

Oh, thank God for that, Doctor.

Hey, what is wrong with me, then?

He must have stained a few of those saccus spinalis fibres.

Oh.

Well, really, where did I go?

Oh. Oh,

God!

God, I wish I had no heart, you know.

All right, you can all come in.

Is he all right, Doctor?

Nothing much, Ron. Just stained his back a bit.

I'm not surprised.

He always had a weakness there, ever since he was little.

Ever? Yes.

It first happened when he lifted my little Ollie out of her pram. I can well

believe that.

The pain lasts a few days, so I'll give you a prescription for some tablets.

Thank you.

Perhaps some of Ollie's green pills are doing good.

Oh, yes, they did my back a lot of good. Green pills?

Did I prescribe those?

No, I got those from Aunt Maud.

Did she have a bad back?

No, they were left over from her liver.

They were not! They were left over from her liver! Shut up and love it, you boy!

I'll have what the doctor prescribed for me.

There he is. Thank you. He killed the pain, and you should be able to get

all right in a couple of days. Ah, good. Then I'll get back to work.

Oh.

Oh, you're a bus driver, aren't you?

Yeah. No, no.

Driving a heavy vehicle like that, you could put too much strain upon your back

and then it would never heat.

I've got to. I mean, I don't get sick by the time I'm out, you know.

But we need the money.

Well, I suppose you'd be quite safe driving the bus if you had a lumbosacral

support.

What's that, then?

A corset.

Corset, me?

That's your face!

Look, if you want to get back diving that bus in a couple of days' time,

got no choice.

It's a normal practice. I mean, you can get it on the National Health.

National Health?

But I've been out to take six months.

Oh, yes, please.

But don't worry. I've got an old one done at the surgery.

If you come round, I'll lend it to you. Oh, thank you.

You're to take no exercise whatsoever without it for at least a couple of

Right -o, Doctor.

There you are. Thank you.

I can't wait to see you in your corset, mate.

I can't see anything funny in that, mate. I'm wearing that corset because of

strained back.

Well, I find it highly amusing.

Do you?

Well, I'll tell you something, mate. If you'd have worn a corset, you might not

have needed your operation.

No.

Blimey, is this a mate?

What's it say here?

Oh, yeah.

Lumbosacral corset, specially reinforced with rigid steel bars.

Where are they, then?

Oh, this must be it.

God, blimey.

Stan? What do you want?

Are you managing all right? Do you want any help?

Don't come in and get on my own!

Oh! Oh!

Dan, what happened?

me corset.

Oh, dump it down and pick it up. You know what the doctor said.

Here, let me give you a hand.

I'm better at doing these than you are.

I can manage.

Can we help?

Well, I don't need for you to help me to put this on, I tell you.

Don't be, mate.

Looks like you need three people to help hold it up.

You didn't tell me it came complete with its own tool kit.

Oh, don't talk about that. I need you to steal rods that brace it up in there

like that. See, this one goes in there and that one goes in there like that.

Come on, love, now let me give you a hand to get it on. Be careful now, be

careful now. Come on, love. Hold on to mum.

Got it? Got it?

That's one.

Gently, gently.

Oh, this is a bit, it's a killer. Oh, careful.

That's it. Now up we go.

That's right.

That is pretty.

Oh, yeah.

Shut up, shut up. Now, get a strap.

Give him a good pull. Wait a minute, wait a minute, ma 'am. Don't rush me,

Well,

it's not very comfortable, dear. I know it from old.

Got it? Oh,

this is murder. This is... Oh, quick.

Undo it a bit.

Oh, I feel dizzy.

Here.

Smell it, sorts.

Methinks my lady has the vapour.

Look, I'm not evidence you'll make me wrong. Snooze, smash your TV.

Here, don't lose your temper just because you're wearing a cool thing.

And don't stop calling me a corset. Oh, I'm sorry. I beg your pardon. Your

foundation garment.

Give me trousers.

Oh, come on. Now then, you'll be all right once you get these on.

There, now then. Okay, that's it. Hello, Jack.

Put your leg in.

I've got you.

Well, I can't bend with this on, can I? That's the whole point of it, isn't it,

mate? So you don't bend.

Oh, come on.

Well, lie down on the bed. Lie down.

Oh, no, no, no.

Right, that's it. Come on, then. I'll be toast. I'll be toast. I'll be toast.

I'll be toast. I'll be toast. I'll be toast.

I'll be toast.

I'll be toast. I'll be toast.

I'll be toast.

I'll be toast. I'll be toast.

I'll be toast.

I'll be toast.

Like they do when they're expecting.

It's like some barn and maternity dress.

But I'm not expecting.

What a pity.

I think you'd look very nice in a smock. Oh, shut up. I'm just about out of luck

with you. Oh, come on. Turn around, mate.

I'll try and tighten it up a bit more. All right. Are you ready? Yeah. One,

three.

It's gone red in the face.

Well, look, mate. I've got it up to its extremity.

Look, there's only one thing for it. You'll have to get another pair of

with a larger waist.

Oh, I've got a pair of black slacks. Do you think my waist is bigger than

Stan's? You haven't got a waist.

Arthur, yes, I think that would be a very good idea.

They're like these.

I'll have a pair of those, Ollie.

No, hang on. No, I can't have them.

Yours zips up the sides.

Couldn't you manage?

Oh, dear good woman.

I think what with the corset on the zip up the side, he'd find life very

difficult.

Oh, shut up, the lot of you. I'll put me belt round it, that's all.

You know, how you going to do your zip up?

Yeah, I suppose you're right. It'll keep slipping down. I'll tell you what,

mate. I'll tell you what. These laces are a bit long. Bring that round the

front, tighten the zip, Bob's your uncle. Oh, get out of it. Get out, the

you. I'll finish dressing this up. All right, all right.

Here, stand, stand, stand, stand.

Look, mate, if you do feel a bit uncomfortable...

Don't worry. All you've got to do is loosen your stays.

Get out!

Oh, blimey, there you are.

You're looking a bit stiff. You're walking around as if your underwear's

starched. What's the matter?

Well, tell you the truth, Jack, and don't laugh, mate, when I tell you.

See, I've got a corset on.

A corset?

Yeah, well, you see, when I strained myself in the canteen the other day,

the doctor's made me put this on, see.

Blimey.

No, I've got the safety fins there, you see, because I couldn't do the zip -up.

Oh, that's going to be a bit awkward, isn't it? I tell you what, where do you

want to go? Tell me, and Mummy will undo your safety fins.

Don't you start, Blimey.

Listen,

you wait till Blakey sees you. Go, Blimey, run off now.

Oh, no, Jack, do us a favour. Don't let on to Blake. If he finds I'm like this,

he won't let me drive the bus. He'll send me home.

All right, then. Come on, then, mate. Shine on. All right, then. Here,

pick that pencil up for me. What are you talking about?

Pick it up. It's a good I can't bend in this thing, can I?

Listen, I'm not going to wet nurse you. You'll have to learn how to do it. Yeah,

I suppose I'd better try.

It's not easy when your back's bad.

Oh, oh, sorry, Butler.

I didn't realise you were coming in. Oh, yeah, I'm all right now, Blakey.

All right, Butler. All right, mate.

You don't let her curtsy to me.

I'm not royalty, you know.

Aren't you? We always thought you was an old queen.

Oh, he's no pleasure in life at all, is he? What do you mean?

I thought you were going to be out for weeks and weeks rolling in bed in agony.

Here.

You've only been out for three days. Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I just pulled a few little muscles in my back, that's all.

You're lucky, mate. My brother did that.

He was wearing a corset for six weeks.

Was he?

Are you kidding?

Yeah, it surprises you, doesn't it? Yeah, we always thought you was the one

the family to be wearing the corset.

Shut up.

Actually, that did him a lot of harm, actually, doing that.

Did it what harm? Yeah, he tightened it up too much.

What happened?

It cut off the flow of blood for some of his vital organs.

Yeah, she's never been right since.

Right, come on, get this butt out there. Come on, you're late.

All right, come on, mate.

Here. Do you think you're going to be able to drive this bus all right? I take

no notice of him. Of course I can drive it. Si, what are you worried about?

Well, I'll be travelling inside. That's what I'm worried about. Well, you've got

nothing to worry about, mate. I can drive it. I tell you that.

Oh!

Drive it? Blimey, you can't even get in it. All right, Si, I can't get in it. I

need you to give me a hand, Jack.

Well, listen, that's more than I can manage, isn't it?

George, mate, here. Come here. Give us a hand with Stan, will you? Take it easy,

though. Take it easy.

Right, take it. Up you go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's something stopping him. My head, my

you idiot, my head.

Sorry, Brown.

Well, how can this mercy be?

This reminds me of back in my bucket in the garage.

Yeah, well, watch out for your rear bumpers. Yeah, all right. Come on in.

Tip him up.

What's going on here?

Oh, we're tearing him.

What's he, Wonder Cup final?

Come on, what's going on?

No, the lads are pleased to see me back. Yeah, well, it wasn't the same without

him. No, you know, you're right. It wasn't right.

No, there's a room inside and there's trouble and aggravation.

Now, come on, get him in that bus and get out of here.

There's nothing wrong with him.

He is fit to drive, I suppose.

Oh, well, there's your phone, Blackie.

Oh, good.

Oh, hang about, don't... Quick, quick, come on. Get him in, quick, quick. Come

here, mate.

Push. That's it.

Hang on.

That's it.

Wait a minute, Dad.

Don't leave me in here. I can't get my leg down. Oh, come on. What's the matter

with you? Put it down.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I can't drive like this, you idiot. The pedals are round there, aren't they?

Put your legs up there.

That's it. There we are.

You threw the wheel.

Oh! Oh, Jack.

Every time I bend forward, this thing digs into me.

Yeah, well, watch yourself when you jam the brakes on, or you might do yourself

in half the injury.

Not bad, eh, Jack?

I got away with old Blakely not knowing I got this thing on, eh?

Are you going to stay down?

No, no.

I've got a date with Doran, haven't I?

Taking her home.

What are you going to do with that corset on?

Take it off, of course, mate.

It's all right as long as I don't bend my back.

Or do any violent exercise.

Get on the sofa with her and not do any violent exercise. You must be joking.

I'm not joking. I know what's wrong with you, mate. You're jealous. Listen, I've

been waiting for this date for weeks, mate. Look, I'll manage somehow.

I'm ready.

All right, darling.

Tell her, Jack, mate. I'll see you, boy. Yeah, tell her, mate.

Yeah, you'll manage somehow.

Come in, darling.

Come in, love.

You know, that's a nice little pub, isn't it? I don't know why I bothered to

come back here with you. You haven't let me near you all evening.

What's the matter? Don't you fancy me?

Oh, don't be silly. Of course I do.

Oh, give us a big hug, then.

What are you wearing?

You're all out.

Am I?

Yes, well, uh...

Look, you go in the front room, and I'll just knock upstairs for a second. Won't

be a minute? Okay.

Well, don't be long. I won't be long, I promise you.

No,

no.

Well, you see, I strained me back in the canteen the other day, and I've got to

put this on, and it's only for a few days.

It's a corset.

It'd be a man wearing a corset.

Don't muck about. Don't you start as well.

Look, come on, I'll just slip upstairs and take it off. It won't be a minute.

It'll take you hours to get out of that thing.

I'm going. No, no, don't go. It won't take long. Come in here. Come in here a

minute. Go to the front room.

Go in here. Listen,

I promise you, I promise you, it won't take long. Look, you're only all

with four straps, you see. It's not. It's later.

Look, I'd better go. No, no, I'll have it off in the chippy.

I'll take it off here. You know, read a magazine, do anything you like. No, I

won't. It won't be long. I've got to go now.

One second.

You just take your coat off. That's it. Make yourself at home.

You get me so excited.

I've got fingers and thumbs with you.

I never thought I'd have to take off a pair of stays for anybody.

No, no, you sit down. No, get out of it. Go on, you sit down.

This won't take you long.

I laughed at you.

Yeah, I know you would.

I'll just get this off.

Oh, that's better.

Blimey, what a relief that is.

Now I know how you women feel when you take your roll -ons off.

Sure you're all right? Yeah, but be

careful with me back, see?

That's all.

your lips a bit more.

No, no.

I'm up to you. No, no, no.

Come on, come on.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I can't. I can't.

Oh. Oh, I've done it.

It's gone again. My back's gone. I've done it in. Oh, Stan, what are you going

to do?

I'll have to go up to bed.

And you'll have to go home. I'm sorry. I'm not going home. Listen, I'm taking

you to bed.

You'll never manage it alone.

No, no, forget it. Oh, don't be daft. Now, don't move.

Don't move. I can't.

Open the door.

Look, I tell you, I'm all right. Listen, I'm not having any more of it. I'm

taking you up to your bedroom.

Isn't it marvellous, eh?

The first time a bird's ever insisted I take a bit of bed and I'm like this.

I get all the pain but never the pleasure.