Original subtitles

Who's not feeling too well, poor old soul.

I won't tell you what complaint he's got.

But anyway, he's got a nice new nurse to look after him.

Morning date, the 5th of the 10th, 71, take 1. Here we go, don't forget, nice

laugh.

15, 15.

Hi, darling. Hi, Lockie.

Hey, look, we'd better get Blackie to sign our titties. We don't want to lose

our overtime.

No, fear, no. We need the extra money. We're dead skin at the time, you know.

Yeah? Yeah. You know what Mum's done? She's done the front room up and we're

taking in another lodger. Go on. Yeah. Have you got anybody yet? No, I told

Blakey about it. I hope he finds somebody for me. Yeah, all right.

Oh, Blondie's not there. Honey?

Hey, George, seen Blackie, have you?

Yeah. He's gone up the deck room.

Don't tell me he's checking up that new nurse.

Nah. He's got the guts, ain't he?

Oh, poor old Blackie.

Here, look, we'd better get him to sign these titties quick before he dies.

Let's get in.

Oh, blimey, I might have locked the door.

Oh, isn't it marvellous, then? He's always on at us about us with the

Yeah, we'll have a nice time, won't you?

You two shut up, you morons.

Nurse is examining my stomach.

Oh, there you are, Blackie. Sign these and we can push off then, mate. Do you

mind waiting until I've finished?

Is there a pin after you've eaten?

Yes, sister, after I've eaten, yes. Is there anything else in particular that

brings the pin on?

Whenever I clap my eyes on these two, I bet it makes an acid, sister.

I see. Well, perhaps you ought to suck something.

He does.

That's why we call him Dracula.

I couldn't quite do without your crude comment.

I think it's just overacidity due to stress and worry.

That's what I've got, stress and worry. That's what it is. It's too much

responsibility here, sister.

If I didn't bother about them buses, I don't think they'd ever get out of the

depot. Well, that should cut your worries enough.

Because if they don't go out, they wouldn't be late coming back in.

I'll get you some stomach mix, so that'll help you. Come on, Blackie, sign

these, will you?

Savvy Monica down there. Yeah, all right.

And the other one.

Now, if you just drink this, that'll clear your stomach.

Yes, it might have cleared his stomach, but he's clogged up his moustache.

Oh, pardon.

Yeah, well, a couple more of those and he'll be unclogged.

Here, by the way, Blakey, have you found anybody to rent our room? No, I

haven't, mate. I've got other things to do apart from worrying about finding

lodgers for you, mate. Well, I'm looking for somewhere else to stay. Have you

got a room to live in?

Yeah. Yeah, my mum, she's done the front room up. It's nice. You'll like it. And

I'll tell you something, we don't charge much.

Oh, well, perhaps I'll come round later.

See if it's suitable.

Oh, pardon me, sister. Oh, that's all right. It's good for you. It brings all

the wind from your stomach.

Clears the wax out of his ears and all.

Will you get out? All right.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, they brought my pain on again, sister.

I'm sure you'll be very happy and comfortable here, dear.

Oh, yes, thank you. The room is very nice.

Yeah, well, cut yourself a bit of cake, love.

Oh, allow me.

Oh, thank you.

Stop the sliver, it's too fattening. Oh, there we are. Thank you, that's

beautifully cut.

I'll have another bit.

No, no, not yet.

No, well, you see, they've only been married ten years.

You're a career woman, are you?

No. What do you do with yourself all day?

You must be wondering what they do with themselves all night.

I suppose working with busmen, you must get used to crude remarks like that. I'm

afraid I do, but it's all part of the job.

Blimey, I was only joking. It's very bad taste.

I suppose you had to work very hard to be a nurse.

Yes, I did, but it's very interesting work.

Oh, I'm sure it's the sort of thing I would have... Actually, I have always

wanted to take up medicine myself.

All right, love.

Just had a bit of a shock, that's all.

Actually, you'd have made a very good doctor. You have just the right manner.

It's very important.

Nice of you to say so.

Well, if you'll just excuse me, I think I'll finish unpacking. Oh, allow me.

Thank you.

Oh, blimey, I know she only had a little bit of cake, but surely she's got the

strength to turn the knob.

I was merely being polite.

It's a nice change to have someone well -bred in the house.

You never opened the door for me.

Ah, be fair, love, he did once.

When was that?

When you threatened to leave home.

Don't stand me. It's the truth, Mum. He couldn't get the door quick enough to

open it for her.

Oh, now, don't be nasty, love. You know he didn't mean it.

Anyway, I think that young lady's got very nice manners. Did you notice when

took her bit of cake, she cocked her little finger up?

That was nice.

You think that's nice? Yeah. Well, just because she cocks her little finger up,

it doesn't impress me.

I think she's a stuck -up bit. Eh? She walks around the depot with her nose

crinkled up as though there's a nasty smell in the air.

With you lot there, there very probably is.

Personally, I found her conversation most stimulating.

Stimulating? You made yourself a right net, didn't you?

Well, of course, I always fancy taking up her medicine. I have always wanted to

take up medicine.

It would have been nice for my little Ollie if Arthur had been a doctor.

Yeah, he might have had his operation done properly.

Him, he's too mean.

If he'd have been a doctor, he'd have done it himself.

Yeah, could he have done it? Well, of course he could.

Mind you, he might have had eyes in the back of his head.

How very funny.

How very funny.

Mind you, I don't suppose that young lady will stay here more than a day

to put up with you lot. Oh, I bet she will.

I'm making a very nice dinner tonight, cos it's your first evening here. Good.

I just hope you won't all bore her with your rather coarse conversation.

Oh, well, I don't expect she found you so bloomin' dazzling. Oh, he dazzled her

all right, that.

Every time he turned his bonce, his bald head kept shining in her eyes.

Oh, shut up!

Come on, Stan, wake up.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, thanks, Ollie. Yeah.

I'm a bit peckish.

Well, come on, love. Tidy yourself up.

What for?

The lodger.

Now, Mum, look, let's get this straight, shall we? Let's start as we mean to

carry on. I'm not behaving any different just because we've got a snooty lodger

in the house.

Dinner ready.

Has anyone bothered to call Marion?

Get in.

What are you tarting up like that for?

I thought I may as well change. I just had a bath.

A bath?

It's only Wednesday.

It is permissible to have a bath more than once a week.

You've shaved.

Yeah, yeah, does he?

So, yes.

It looks as smooth as a baby's bum.

Get your head off.

You've done it for that woman?

Not at all.

Well, you never shave for me in the evenings.

Hey, he's even put talcum powder on.

It might be a good idea if you were a little more particular over your own

personal hygiene.

Oh, well, if you feel that way, mate, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll dab a bit of crescent water round my arm. There is no need to be

ridiculous. Me ridiculous?

Blimey, you're the one that's being ridiculous. Look at you.

What's that pink thing in your pocket?

Oh, yes, your knickers.

What are you doing with no drawers in your pocket?

They were hanging up in the bathroom.

I only got them down just in time before Mary came in for her bath.

Oh, hasn't she ever seen knickers before?

Doesn't she wear any?

Well, perhaps that's what he's hoping.

I don't want them. You can have them back.

Oh,

yes, yes, of course.

I'm afraid the cat's a little bit deaf. Oh, yes, I think I can see what's the

trouble. Hasn't he got a nice, soft, gentle touch?

Nobody's asking her, love. She can't remember.

Yeah, come on, loves. Oh, sit down.

It's too fun. It's still up. Come out of it. Come on. There you go. Sit there.

That's it.

Stay up.

Charlie. You love me.

Come on, darling.

Get stuck in. It's your picture night tonight. You don't want to be late.

Come on, Arthur, hurry up, otherwise you'll miss the start of the film.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, and I always go out with the pictures on a Wednesday night.

Oh, well, I was thinking of going this evening.

Oh, how lovely.

Perhaps you could join us.

Oh, yes, that would be lovely. I'd hate to miss the film.

Oh, yeah.

What is it? What's it called?

Oh, it's one of Antonio and his masterpieces. They say it's a spiritual

experience.

Do they really?

We're going to see Dracula meets the ape man.

Well, I suppose that's all. All right for people that want a cheap thrill.

Well, it's the only sort of thrill some people get.

Yes. Well, personally, of course, I only go to see those sort of films to please

Olive. I myself would much prefer something more mentally stimulating.

Carball bits.

Yes. Yes, I think that's a good idea. We'll all go and see that Antigone film.

I'll go and get my coat.

I'm not going to see that film. If you want to see it, you see it with her.

Righty -ho, I will.

Arthur. Yes? You can't leave on it.

Oh. I suppose you were looking forward to seeing that Dracula thing. You know I

was.

Righty -ho, sunshine.

Here's 50 pence.

See you at home after the film.

Oh, Mum, he's not going to go to the pictures with that woman.

No, he won't go, darling.

It's all talk.

You know him.

I tell you what, I bet you five shillings he comes back.

Good night, all.

I owe you a dollar.

Thank you for the taxi.

Oh, that's nothing. We always come home by taxi.

The bus service here is so disgusting, you can't even tell if they're going to

run.

My goodness, we might have been stuck in that shelter together for hours.

Well, that might have been nice.

Yes.

I did enjoy your company. Your wife's a very lucky woman.

Oh, well, I...

I do my best to keep her happy.

About once a year.

I thought the film was marvellous. It was typical Antonioni, especially that

scene in the park.

Oh, my goodness, yes, yes.

All that stark realism.

The sheer power of primitive passion.

Good, how would he know?

Well... Well... Well, good night, then.

Good night.

Sleep well.

Yes.

Oh, you're still up, are you? Yeah.

All that primitive passion seems to have got you going, doesn't it?

You want to forget that because Ollie's waiting for you.

You were spying?

Well, of course, we...

We always take a taxi home. Oh, shut up.

Of course, I've got to admit, mate, you can do far more things in the back of a

taxi than you can in a bus shelter.

I'm not standing there listening to your foul remarks.

I'll go to bed.

All right, then.

Well, good night, Arthur.

Best of luck, mate. Yes, sir.

What?

Janned or something?

I'm janned, mate. I'm not janned, no.

She's locked you out.

She what? She's locked you out!

For heaven's sake, don't we be here all night, mate?

Humourer, humourer.

Olive.

Don't be stupid, girl.

You know you'd be frightened on your own in the dark there. Blimey, she was more

frightened when you were here.

Shut up.

Open that door.

Come here.

You haven't got a clue, have you? I've got no idea. Come here.

She's a woman, isn't she?

She's upset.

You've got to speak nicely to her. She'll soon melt.

You think so?

Well, I know, don't I?

Besides, she's my sister.

I can't take it cool, you know.

Put a bit of real charm on.

Oh.

So... Sunshine!

I am very sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you.

I'll make it up to you, what if?

I promise.

She's coming. I want to tell her it worked. About time, too.

Here's your pyjamas, you pig.

Well,

that was brilliant.

Well, this face of you wasn't very good at it, was you?

You haven't had enough practice being nice to Olive.

I'll give her a nice.

What's going on out there?

Well, Olive's looked him out.

I'm not surprised after the way you treated her. Most hurtful.

Open that door, Olive. Oh, shut up. You'll never get anywhere like that.

My little Olive's a woman.

You've got to talk nicely to her, then she'll melt and open the door.

And I'll get me teeth kicked in.

Open that door, Mayor!

Keep quiet, for God's sake. We've got a luncheon in the house.

Oh, yes!

Here, there's only one thing for it. You'll have to sleep with him. Yeah.

Oh, yeah! Open the door! Open the door!

Open the door!

Open the door! Open the door!

Open the door!

Open the door!

be just married.

Oh, shut up. Come on. Holy blab.

It's ma 'am.

Open the door.

Here's a good girl.

Here. And if father done behave himself and upset you again, you can come and

sleep in my room.

You can come in.

But you've got to sleep right. the edge of the bed and wait for

me.

That's how I thought they always slept.

Oh, Jack.

You should have been in our house last night. The right drama there.

Do you know what? I was up with the old lady for three hours trying to convince

her that Arthur wouldn't leave Olive. Of course he won't. Well, I'll see to

that. You know how much he eats. God, blimey.

Cost me a fortune.

Heads up. Here comes old Rumblechum. Oh, yeah.

Oh. Hello, Blackie. What's that you've got there, then?

It's my medicines.

That new nurse certainly understands my stomach, you know.

It's all this aggravation. It causes me to make acid. What's all that muck

you've got in there, then? It's yoghurt.

Easily digestible, you see.

What are you talking about?

It's natural yoghurt, that is. It comes from the milk of wild goats. Oh, yeah, I

saw a documentary about that. You know, it appears that all the blokes in

Bulgaria who eat that every day all live to be 100.

Do they really?

That means we've got to put up with him for another five years.

Come on, get in his car. All right, all right.

Hey, Dom, are you coming with us? I thought you was off duty.

I am.

It's the newest time to go and eat me dinner at home, see, so I'm going home

now. I must get home and get me some peace and quiet when I get it, see?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, God.

I tell you what, Blakey, it might be better if we took you straight to the

cemetery gate.

See your driver up there.

Come on, Blakey.

Oh, just a minute there.

I'd like to have a word with you. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't. Dr. Chatterby's late

for lunch. I can't stand the canteen. It's so rough and scruffy.

Oh, Jack, I can't see the canteen. It's so rough and scruffy.

I'm stuck up a bit.

If I see Harper sniffing round her again, I'll do him. Yeah, come on, mate.

see you.

for meeting that bird.

Help! Help!

Wait, open the door.

Wait, back up in the depot.

I don't know anybody, have I?

Nah, it's nothing to worry about. It's only Blankie.

Blankie, all right, mate? Cool. A bit of a mess, isn't it?

Oh, dear.

I'll get you for this, butler.

You did that deliberately, didn't you? No, I didn't. You're all right, Blake.

All right? You're trying to kill me.

What are you talking about? I didn't even know he was on the bus, did I,

No, that's true, no.

Well, what did you slam the brakes on for like that then?

Yeah, well, I was testing them. You always say, make sure your brakes are

right. Well, I can tell you this, they're marvellous.

Oh, no, that's a lie, you bloomin' moron.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Got any pain again, have you?

Must be something you've eaten. No, I've made me... That's what I've done.

That's all I need.

Oh, oh, oh.

What's the matter now?

I've squashed me pills.

Look at that. I'm supposed to take one of them every time I'm upset.

I'm going to go all over the place.

Here you are. Here you are, Blakey.

Here's one of your pills here with that white medicine on it. You can take the

both at once.

That's not a pill, that's a flubbing fly button.

Oh, I wonder why it had four little holes in it.

Get up, blaggy, let's see if you're all right. Come on in.

I'll have to have this bus taken out of commission. That'll all be hosed down,

it will, look. Yeah, well, you'd better stop here with it, then. Why?

So they can hose you down as well, because you're setting the yoghurt,

Oh, oh, oh, oh, this is doing me... no good at all. It's all this aggravation

that makes me make acid, you know. Yeah, well, don't worry, Blake. All that

yoghurt will make your bottom nice and smooth.

Oh, oh, oh, good.

What's the matter now?

All the yoghurt's soaking through now.

What happened to the inspector?

Why is he standing like that?

Well, he's had a little accident.

Come on, Blakey, mate. We'll get you cleaned up.

It's all right. It's all right. He just messed his suit up a bit. It's all

right. Look, he's setting the yoghurt, see?

Come on, then, Blake. He will get you scummed out, mate. There's something I

do. No, no, just a minute. Molly, Mary, I want to have a word with you, love.

Look, I saw you with Arthur just now. I thought you were going out with him.

Now, come on, love. What's going on?

Nothing's going on. I asked Arthur to come over here.

You did?

Well, I've been thinking about it, and I've decided I don't want to get

with a married man.

Ah, now, that's wise.

So I'll be leaving, and I'll be collecting my things this evening.

Will you?

Yeah, well, I suppose it's all for the best, yeah. Oh, Blake, it's all right

now. Bone's broken. Just a bit of shock, that's all. Oh, I'd better go and have

a look, see if he needs any treatment.

Yeah, well, don't look for too long, or you'll be wanting treatment.

Yeah, I thought you told me that you saw her going off with Arthur. Yeah, I did.

He made a right twit of himself, mate. He turned up in his best suit with a big

box of chocolates for her.

And she gave him the brush off. Oh, poor old Arthur.

Poor old Arthur. He'll be walking round the town in hell of a state now.

What, trying to forget her?

No, trying to flog the chocolates.

Oh, love, how are you? Oh, fine. Here, I'll get you a nice cup of tea. That's

your idea, darling. Thank you.

Hello, Stan.

You look pleased with yourself.

Oh, Stan.

Look what Arthur went and got me.

A lovely big box of chocolates.

Did he really?

He went all the way down to the posh shop to get them specially, and they was

all done up with a lover's knot. Look. Oh, fancy that.

Yeah. Often knows how to get round the girls.

Mind you, it doesn't always work.

Does it, mate?

I must have another one. I'll have a raspberry cream. They're my favourite.

Do you want one, Stan?

Let's have a look at them.

Oh, no, no. I'll wait till I've had my tea.

I'll have one, sunshine.

You great guts.

He had a five minute and already the top layer's gone.

Well, don't be cross, Arthur.

I have forgiven you, haven't I, darling?

It's all right, all right, all right.

I clunted it and they come here in raspberry cream.

Here's your tea, love. Thanks, darling, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Arthur. Have one from the bottom layer. Right.

How disgusting!

They've all been bitten!

I need to find out which was the soft centre's.

It's always the same with you, isn't it? Whenever you get anything to eat, you

behave like a great...

Arthur and Olive's marriage is all right.

I'm a bit worried about them.

I spent nearly two quid on these pots and chocolates.

Of course he's all right.

Listen to him.

They're back to normal, aren't they? Oh, yes.

I think we're