Original subtitles

That's the way to do it, Olive, love.

See? Nice bit of stuff here.

Stack it down at the bottom, take all the bubbles out. Right now, it's got

That's it.

Right, that's done that bit. It's got a step paper in it.

Give us one of them plastic panels then, love. All right, yeah.

Now, this is what they call contact glue.

See, that's already dry on the wall here. You put this on, you can't get it

apart. It's marvellous stuff.

Here we go, watch this, love.

Look at that.

Looks good, doesn't it?

Hey, Mum, what do you think of it, then?

Oh, yes, it looks very nice.

Here, you haven't scratched the bath, have you?

I've made me socks up.

Now, see, Mum, I've put this panel up, the first panel up. Now, it's going to

be... I've done the paper, you've finished that, see?

Now, it's going to be like this, all from here, right the way round, it's

to look like that. Oh, lovely.

Ian Arthur must come and see that. He's just come in for his dinner. I'll call

him. Arthur!

Arthur! Oh, Stan, he's so lovely.

Yeah, would I have said it myself?

It's going to look very nice.

Well... Oh, yeah.

I told you that paper was a terrible mistake.

What?

It's cheap and nasty, mate.

I told you that fake tile paper looked terrible.

Oh, I think it looks very nice.

My dear mother -in -law, it's a cheap imitation.

I always say, if you can't have the real thing, settle for something completely

different. I suppose that's why you married Olive.

Damn.

You know what I mean? Just because he couldn't marry Raquel Walsh, he didn't

out and become a mutt, did he?

Mind you, he's got the right sort of hairstyle for it.

I'm getting a little tired of your vulgar jokes.

All I'm saying is that I do not intend sitting in that bath looking in that

ghastly lot. He's fixed the shower and he's done all the plumbing himself.

Yeah, that's obvious. It's dripping.

Look,

mate, all showers drip.

Well, if that's so, mate, you've put it in the wrong place then, haven't you,

eh? That's a little ridiculous there.

I'm not sitting naked in the bath there with that cold thing dripping on

goodness knows what.

Oh, love, I think it's very nice. Look, love, you finish up, and I'll go and get

the things to clean it all up. Look, mate, I've been all morning throttling

myself by guts out trying to get this finished. Now, if you're going to sit in

the bath with that dripping on your goodness knows what, do you want to sit

this end, then? I do not intend placing my bottom on the plug.

No, I forgot that would affect your operation, wouldn't it?

Nothing to do with that.

Because a shocking draft comes up through the overflow pipe. Oh, that's

Well, what are you suggesting, mate? What do you mean?

I suppose we'll have to all sit on the edge here and paddle, eh?

That's all sticky.

Well, of course it's sticky. It's the lid of the glue.

Well, why don't you leave it lying around for you, stupid idiot?

Oh, don't be so damn childish. Look, I've had to stick this up, haven't I?

stick that first, you see, before you put the panels up.

My best pet of pets. It'll never come off. It comes off with petrol. Well, it

better add.

Look, just let me stick these panels up and I'll get it off for you.

You'll be ours doing that, mate. You've got to fit it all round that mix of tat.

Oh, no, I won't, mate. They're already prepared. They're already cut to fit.

I can imagine what sort of mess that's going to look. Yeah, well, see, Olive,

here's a panel. Yes,

I'll use this contact glue.

When you put two bits together like that, mate, that's it. You can't get

apart. Yeah.

Right.

Not that one, Olive. No.

That one.

And what's the other one? The one with the big cutout with the left -hand one.

It's got to go around here, see?

Now, we'll soon see.

It's got to be right or wrong. Yeah, Danny, it's the left -hand one. That's

darling. Well, the cutout's too big for a star. Is it? Is it? Well, we'll soon

see then, shall we? All right. We'll soon see. All right.

How's that then?

Oh, I'm going to tell you, mate.

I've never come up with a million years, mate.

Look at that.

That's the other star.

What's going on there?

It would appear that you've cut it too short.

No, I didn't cut it too short, because I mentioned... You big fat lump, you gave

me the wrong bit!

No, I didn't. You said the left -hand bit, and that was on the left hand.

Not that left -hand bit, this left -hand bit.

I might not get it on.

Professional.

Oh, belt up.

It's cost five bob a square foot.

Well, I don't know what you're laughing at, mate, because you were playing for

half of it.

Well, why don't you watch what you're doing?

I bet the other bit doesn't fit either.

Of course it does. It must do. I'll introduce the other bit then. Yeah, all

right.

Oh, oh, Dan.

They're stuck together.

You stupid... What have you done that for?

mate. You just get those apart.

Get them apart? You must be joking, mate.

Blimey, you need an elephant to pull these apart.

Oi. On it. Get over there.

Come on. Come on, girls. Now, pull.

Pull. Oh.

Oh, that's marvellous, isn't it?

Marvellous. Now, you're mucked up another bit now.

Well, I... What's the matter?

I sent you to the water.

But when you went around your face, I went up against you. Well, how did I

it was wet?

That's what I keep trying to tell you. It doesn't have to be wet. It has to be

dry. You were...

That's why you're stuck.

Come, get away, mate. Well, don't pull it out of your trousers.

Oh, it can't be set that hard.

Oh, well, please, Joe.

You've ruined my trousers!

With that glue, mate, you're lucky that's all it has ruined.

I think something might have soaked through.

I tell you, get it off with petrol.

If a gall jack don't like a fag while you're doing this, you'll blow yourself

fist.

I'll have to go out and buy some more plastic now.

I ain't got time to finish off the job anyway. This damn thing dripping all

me.

I know where it's coming from. I'll tighten up that nut at the top of the

Give us that board to stand on. Oh, yeah. And hand us up this banner, will

Yeah.

And come up and give us a hand, will you? Yeah, all right. Right.

Yeah, I'll stand.

Don't stand on the board.

What's he up to now? Come on.

What's happened?

Did you have an accident?

No. We're having a bath together.

Are you all right, love?

Oh, it was awful.

Dad fell right on top of me.

Well, it could have been worse. You might have fallen on top of him.

Watch it, mum. Watch it. Now, careful now.

Oh, blimey, I don't know what hurts most.

My arm or my toe.

Oh, love, it's all swollen up. Yeah. I think it's twisted.

Well, if it's twisted, it's probably broken.

Oh, no, no, it can't be.

Oh, well, love, there's only one way to find out. Give us your other one.

That's it. Let's have a look what the other toe looks like.

Eh? Go look.

See, it don't look much different to me.

Oh, I can't see without me reading glove, this love.

Just a minute.

Oi.

Arthur. Here.

Can you... Can you see any difference?

I am trying to eat my lunch.

Do you mind putting those things away? Oh, oh, oh.

Here you are, love. Never mind. Perhaps the pain will go away.

These hot compresses will do it good.

I've had a look, Arthur, and I'm covered in bruises. Here, look at my knee.

I am trying to finish my lats. Will you kindly put that thing down? Oh, well,

could you have a look here? Because I've got a bruise on, and I think it's going

all black. I do not wish to see.

Go on, Arthur. You've had my toes in her noo. Go on for the jackpot.

Hello, Olly. Stand ready. We'll be getting to the depot. Hello, Missy B.

What are you doing at Stan's foot?

She's painting me toenails.

What do you think she's doing, you idiot? I've hurt myself.

Well, how did you do that? Well, it happened in the bath.

He fell on top of Olive.

And I only left him for a minute or two.

Aren't your little boy and girl a little bit too old to be having their bath

together? Oh, stop it, honey, mate, will you? I was decorating the bathroom. I

fell down. Damn, I killed myself, I tell you that.

I'll be off for work for weeks.

Oh, blimey, that's bad. You know our company. You won't get nothing off them.

You'll only get your sickness benefit four quid a week. Oh, I can't manage on

that.

Well, Arthur will have to fork out a bit more.

Don't talk wit.

I can't give more than I'm giving now.

You'll have to get yourself to work somehow, mate.

Oh, don't be stupid. How can I drive a bus with one arm and one leg?

Well, you drive no one and notice a difference.

I couldn't touch the pedal with that toe.

There, my love, I'm going to put another hot compress on because my mother

always said if you've got a swollen toe, there's only one thing to do.

It's to get a nice hot compress on it. Oh, blimey, that's hot. Here.

There you are, love, nanny.

Oh, you great big baby. Get that thing off. Let's have a look.

Come here, come here.

Another cup of tea, Arthur?

Yeah, thank you.

I can't see anything wrong with that, can you, Jack? No, it looks all right to

me, Max.

Oh, look, it's all black under the nail.

When did you last have a bath?

That'd be funny.

I'll put another hot compress on, my love. Here's your tea, love. Thank you.

Here, where's all the hot water?

I used to trot off off of Pete.

But I was using that to do Dan's towel.

You stupid, great idiot. Are you trying to poison me?

Listen, mate.

Oh, don't, that's my shoulder. I thought it tasted a bit strong.

I think I'm about to be ill.

Yes, mate, don't be such a child. It's never gone my toes and hurt you.

Oh, no? Well, it's curdled and milked, mate. Oh, no, that's all right.

That's just the cream. It always does that, love. Yeah, I don't want to worry

you, Arthur, but there's some very funny -shaped tea leaves floating about in

here.

It can't be tea leaves. We use tea bags.

I don't know what you're all laughing about. You seem to have a very straight

set of humour to me.

Don't be such a baby.

Oh, well, he has been upset, love.

Upset? The only thing he's upset about is because he's got a fork out because I

can't go to work.

Well, your company should make up your wages.

Not for something that happens in the home.

If you were going to have an accident, mate, you should have had it at work.

Yes, he's quite right there.

Here, remember when Nobby fell down a canteen stairs?

He got six weeks off with full pay.

Yeah, so what? I haven't fallen down the canteen stairs, have I? All right. You

get down to the depot, climb to the top of the canteen stairs, and I guarantee

you'll have a very nasty fall.

How do you know?

Because I shall be right behind you.

Here, hang on a minute.

Will you give me an hard push from me, mate?

I think I'm feeling better already.

I shall now be able to return to work with an easy mind.

Here.

I've just been thinking about that.

That bushing down the stairs, that'll hurt, won't it? No, Nobby didn't feel a

thing. Oh, did he? No, well, not till he came round.

I mean, what's he doing? He can't be all this time changing.

Well, he is in pain, love.

I think he's coming down now.

You haven't changed.

What you been doing for the last ten minutes?

Coming downstairs.

It's no good. I can't change that.

I can't get my clothes on.

Look, mate, you've got to get changed and get down to the depot and sign on if

you're going to have an accident at work. Jack, it's absolutely impossible,

mate. I can't change. I can't get my trousers off. Yeah, well, if you can't,

will. Come on. Go on, sit on the table there. Here you are.

Come on.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

What's the matter? I'm not touching you. Well, I'm on yesterday, aren't I,

sonny? Get rid of that. Go on.

Come on, quick, we haven't got much time left.

Lie back, will you?

Don't pull it from there!

It'd be much easier if you lied back.

Ian, this reminds me of when he was little and I used to have to pull his

rompers off.

Well, that was when he had a different sort of accident, wasn't it?

Don't pull it from the bottom! I'm telling you, Clots!

Come on, Olive, get round here.

Breathe them over his feet.

Stop it, you idiot! You're pulling me pants up at the same time!

Well, we've still got them. Come on, Olive, shut them on.

Hurry up. I'll hold his legs up. Come on.

You put him on back to front.

He is a boy, you know.

But he doesn't seem to know what goes where.

Well, being married to Arthur, what do you think?

You're drafting, you!

Yeah, this reminds me of when we laid out my Uncle Willie.

Do you mind?

Yeah, well, not quite.

You're a lot stiffer than what he was.

Yeah, I don't like you being disrespectful to your Uncle Willie. Oh,

Mrs B, no.

As a matter of fact, when we said goodbye to him, he looked a lot better

Stan. Shut up and dress me, will you? Yeah, well, Uncle Willie was a lot

because he didn't keep bobbing up. Now, get back here.

Put your bottom up. One, two, three, four.

That's it, there you go.

You stupid dick!

You got me in the sleeve!

Come on, get it off. Pull it off. Pull it.

Mr. Bean, give us your shoes. Quick, come on. We haven't got much time. We'll

late. Jack, Jack, Jack.

You'll never get that shoe on with a bandage that big, I tell you. Of course

will. Oh!

No, it's absolutely right, mate.

Mate, I need a pair of shoes five times the size I used because of that thing.

Well, that's marvellous, isn't it? When are we going to get a pair of shoes size

12?

Olive, lend us your pair of shoes.

Everything's fixed, mate.

Your accident has been arranged.

Joe's done the stairs.

Thank God for that. I feel the right idiot walking about in these plimsolls.

Yeah, well, don't worry about that. Come on, sign on. You've got to make it

official. Right.

Oh! Oh, no, I can't. It hurts.

It can't. You haven't had your accident, yeah?

Well, I can't sign on, Jack. Oh, blimey, I'll do it for you. Oh, but... No, no,

no, it's just a good start.

But, uh, just a minute. I've got a little problem here about the, um...

You've got a new feet.

My plimsolls.

Plimsolls? Yeah. You can't drive in plimsolls. Oh, don't talk jarts. All the

best drivers do that. I mean, it gives you more control.

Yeah, yeah.

That Moss fella, the racing driver, he always drove in his plimsolls.

Sterling Moss wasn't driving the number 11 bus at the Cemetery Gates.

There's no protection. Look, you catch that on the clutch or the brake, it'll

right through. Oh!

Don't put it on, butler, come on.

Don't put it on, mate.

You signed on, have you?

Yeah, I was just going to sign on. Go on, sign on then.

You don't write with your left hand.

No, he's what they call ambidextrous.

Yes, I've had my doubts about him for a long time.

Sign on then. Yeah, I'm just going to sign on. Well, sign on. Yeah, yeah.

Go on then.

What did you put down there?

That's my name.

What language is it in then?

Pakistani or Arabic?

You haven't changed your name to the Mohammed Butler, have you?

I've signed a book, haven't I? What more do you want? Yeah, and he's signed on

early. Yes, I'm glad about that because I've got a little bit of trouble with

the buses and I want you to drive the early one out in five minutes' time. All

right? No, I can't, I can't.

Now, listen, Buckley, you've signed on, you're on duty. Now, you take that early

bus out in five minutes' time.

No, I can't, I can't. Look, I'll take the one out after, but I can't take that

one out.

Give me one reason why you can't take that bus out, go on. Yeah, well, um...

Because you've got your special racing driver shoes on.

You should get there in record time.

In fact, with a bit of luck, you might even get there on time this time.

Come on, sign that.

But I can't, I tell you.

Now, I don't want no arguments.

Come on, take that out. No arguments about it, right?

What's up with him?

Here, you assaulted him. Now, that is a very serious matter. Now, don't start

that. Don't come the old acid with me, mate. I'm not having none of that. I've

been in the game too long for that.

All I did was poke him a little bit like that.

Now, could that possibly hurt him? Did that hurt you? It didn't hurt you, did

it?

Oh, no. All right, then. Because if you want to make an issue of it, I'll take

you up to see the doctor and give you an examination, if you like, to see if

I've broken his shoulder.

No! No!

Is that hers, isn't it? No, no!

All right, well, don't shout then. No! You pig.

All right, get that bus out and check it out.

Yes, sir.

That's done it now.

I ain't got no time to have an accident.

Oh, don't worry. Here's Joe.

Of course.

Thought he was never going to go.

Everything's ready, Stan.

Now, look, all you've got to do is put your foot on it and it'll go right

through. You're always worrying me. Supposing somebody else puts their foot

it before I do?

I've given the lads the tip -off. Now, don't worry. No -one will go up them

steps in the next few minutes, OK?

OK. There you are. I saved it all for you, isn't it? Nice, yeah.

Come on.

Oh!

Don't limp now!

After!

Innocent Jack, I want to know one thing.

Um... What have they done to the stick? Oh, they've taken out the side bolts.

What's holding it up then?

A couple of matchsticks.

What? I'll go through with a little of a thumb. No, no, you won't. Tell you

what, they've put a bucket with a sponge just below it.

Oh, what, to break before?

No, to mop up the blood.

No, I'm only kidding, mate. Go on, then, get up there.

Do us a favour, which one is it?

Oh, I can't tell you that. It'll make it look more natural.

I can't do it. Listen, mate, you've got to do it. Go on, get up there and sooner

or later you'll drop through.

You sound like an hangman.

Oh, go on, hurry up.

Wait a minute, brother.

Just a minute.

Isn't it marvellous, eh? What? I've got an urgent report here for traffic

control and nobody in the depot has taken upstairs for me. Now, I've asked

upstairs to come down. They've not made a plumbing move so far. I'll take it.

He'll take it.

No, no, I'm going to take it, mate. I'm going to give them a bit of my mind up

there. They must think I'm a bloomin' office boy. No, no, no. I'll take it.

no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No,

no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No,

no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No,

no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it.

No, no, no.

I'll take it.

No,

no, no.

I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No, no, no.

I'll take it.

No, no,

no. I'll take it. No, no, no. I'll take it. No,

no

Well, you two had better come as witnesses.

I shall need you as evidence.

Oh, isn't that marvellous, eh?

He's making fun of me, look.

He's mocking me just because I'm limping.

Don't worry, Buckley, you'll get your comeuppance one of these days. You'll

an accident like this as well, don't worry.

Oh, come on.

Oh,

come on, mate. I saw what happened to De Winter.

You must have hurt your foot.

Oh, now then, let me get this boot off.

Oh, you poor thing.

Now then, where does it hurt? Oh, it's the ankle, nurse. It's the ankle gone.

Does this hurt?

Yes, it does.

I'm afraid he's broken his toe.

Oh, you'll be off for a long time with this, Inspector.

Oh, no.

Oh, thank God I did it while I was at work anyway.

At least I shall be on full pay.

Here. And with you two as witnesses, I might even get a bit of compensation as

well. So perhaps it's not so bad after all. Here.

I've got an accident form here.

Here.

You two sign that and give it to the nurse and put it in afterwards, right?

God knows I could do with a couple of weeks off holiday at home with full pay.

But I'll see you two out on that bus before I do go home.

Go on, take it out.

Yeah.

Well, go on then, take it out then.

Um, Blakey, look, mind you, in a minute, I've got to tell you something.

I can't take that bus out.

Oh, don't start that again, but... No, no, honestly, I can't do it. See, I had

an accident.

I've done my arm in, my shoulder up here, and I broke my toe. I did it at

this morning, and I can't drive the bus.

Well, why didn't you report sick then?

Well, I thought I might be able to drive it, see?

But, you know, it's all swelling up and getting worse, and it's no good. I'll

have to go home.

Oh, you'll have to sign another form then.

Oh. Oh, I see. I'll get some accident pay, eh?

No, that's how we can stop your wages forthwith.

There's one thing you want to remember, butler.

If you must have an accident, have it at work.

Oh, you can go home now.