Original subtitles

um

So that's a lousy journey, mate. We're seven minutes late. Not too bad,

considering we've stopped three times to pick up our shopping.

Yeah, we'll bang it out then. Right, enjoy it.

Thanks very much.

What's that thing doing in your cab?

Well, blimey, it's Christmas Eve.

I mean, we've got to stop to pick up our stuff, haven't we? You know the

regulations. You shouldn't have a single parcel in that cab, will you? I ain't

got a single one.

I've got three single ones.

See, I've got my own here. You can't take liberties just because it's the

holiday like that. How dare you have that stuff in the cab? It's not right.

Well, don't blame us, mate. Blame the passengers.

Eh? Well, there were so many of them on the bus, there wasn't no room for our

shopping. Here, hang on. I've got an idea.

Hold it.

What's he doing over there by the ladies' loo? Ah, well... That's all

Joyce and Edna go in there when we drove up. We missed them on the way in. But

we'll catch them on the way out, though.

Letters lay about you, honestly.

Can't you leave them two girls alone?

No. Fancy screwing that hook above the door like that, look. We didn't screw

hook above the door, they did.

Here, hold that.

Anyway,

I told them, I said, you can't bring your hook down here. Look at that.

Put him down, put him down.

Oh, what's wrong, mate? It says reserved for staff, and we're staff.

Oh, Jack, you cheating devil. Look, you've got to turn your machine on.

run up a shilling return.

Oh, blimey, come on, then.

What do you think you're doing, old Latuvius?

He's getting his return off.

Oh, you are awful.

See you then. See you later, Christmas darling. Merry Christmas. Merry

Christmas. Might see you at the Rose and Crown then. I'm not having no more of

this. This mistletoe's coming down out of it.

What you keep giggling for? Yeah, well, perhaps his moustache is tickling her.

Well, fair's fair, perhaps her moustache is tickling him.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Taz.

Oh, there's just about enough of this. All this snogging about the place and

this mistletoe and all them parcels in your bus. I'm going to make a complete

report about this. Oh, no.

It's Christmas Eve, isn't it? I mean, Christmas only comes once a year. It may

be Christmas for you, mate, but it's not for me. I'm still on duty.

All right, kiss a kiss, then.

Now, fair dues, Blakey. I mean, we are next on the road. We shall be on duty

next Christmas morning.

Next Christmas morning? I'll be on it tomorrow morning, mate. Sitting here all

on my own waiting for a few buses to go out.

What are you going to do? Serve Art the new tea for the lads? Leave that alone.

That's my old mum's present, that is.

That's an hand -painted teapot with a non -drip spout. That's what she's

wanted, that is.

Very pretty, that is. I'll tell you what you ought to have bought for your

nephew, though.

One of these here I've got here.

What's that? This is a little self -controlled bus, and I'm good, Blakey.

at this, look. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I've got one of my little... Does it

go? Of course it does.

Look, I've got lots of little bus ones to go with it. Look, look.

There's a little inspector.

Oh, look at that.

Sweet,

isn't it? I mean, I'm half like you, Blakey, isn't it?

There's even a seam round his neck where they snap his head on.

Come on, show us how this thing works, come on. You put it there like that,

mate.

There's your control. Press the button and it goes forward. Watch this. Watch

it. Oh, blimey.

Typical, isn't it, eh?

You never did know which way you was going. No, no. I pressed the wrong

I'm sorry.

There's a little request up there. I'll put that there.

Now, see if it can stop there. Well, if it does, it'll be the first time ever.

Wait a minute. I lost my little control handle. All right.

I'll put the inspector by it.

I'm bound to stop now. All right. Now, I can see we're playing games now.

Now, watch this. Now, I've got to put a stop at the stop, right? Here we go,

then.

Yeah.

You did that on purpose, didn't you? Knocked the little inspector over like

that. Yeah, well, he gets five points for doing that.

Well, fair's fair, Brady. I've been dying to knock you over for years.

Clumsy clot. Here, let me have a go. It's my turn. No, it's mine. I'm the bus

driver. Come on, it's my turn, isn't it? I drive the bus. It's mine. It's mine.

Now then. Well, isn't it marvellous, eh?

I've got 50 buses out there. You're never showing enthusiasm for driving one

them, do you?

It doesn't matter. Now, come on, let me have a go. It's my turn. I decide who

drives the bus. It's mine. It's my bus.

Well, it's my desk, then. Take it off and get it out of it. Oh, blimey. How

childish can you get?

All right, you can have a go. One minute.

Timing, Jack. Timing.

Oh, look at that here. Look at that, eh?

Nice tight here.

I ain't lost the old touch, have I?

Nice tight turn here, look.

The sterling moss of the buses.

Here. They're nice, sensitive controls, aren't they? They are, they are. You

know what? We could use these for instructions.

Yeah, we must be.

Oh, yes, definitely, we're going to get done.

If you'd brought me my bus, Blake. No.

Listen, if you'd brought me my bus, mate, I'd definitely... Fuck your bus.

What?

It's all your fault, butler.

What do you mean, it's my fault? It's my bus, I told you not to drive it. Oh,

look, look, it's too late to go and get another one, like the old girl won't

have a present. Nah, that's all right, that'll still work.

Well, I can't give it to her like that, can I? Of course you can. Tell her it's

one of them modern ones.

It hasn't got one eye, it's got five.

Four out of five cups of tea at the same time, is that right?

I hate you, butler. I hate you.

Get that rubbish out of it, come on. Where's the box?

Hello?

Yes, Inspector Blake here, yes.

Oh, no, no.

Well, how bad is she, then?

Got to stay in bed all day?

Oh.

Oh, yeah. It's all right. Well, he can't be up, yeah. Well, we're managed, yeah.

What was all that about then, Blackie? Oh, it's that Edna Jones, the clippy

who's on Christmas duty tomorrow morning. She's got the flu.

Oh, dear.

You're the next conductor on the Christmas road now.

You've got to do it.

Hey, just a minute. Has she got a doctor's system? Oh, yes, she has. No, I

want none of these arguments. It's all been agreed with the union, you know it

is. No, it's better than being on duty Christmas morning.

Hard luck, Jack, mate.

Do you know who's got us driving, don't you? No. Her old man, Charlie.

No, no, here, here, here. Here's the best bit of it. What?

Charlie's got to stay home and look after her and the kids.

Well?

You're on.

You won't go and report here for eight o 'clock tomorrow morning, mate. Not

fair. She's not paid my Christmas, she says.

while I'm having me breakfast. Oh, sorry, love. Never mind.

Look, it's eight o 'clock. Who got me up at this ungodly hour?

Well, Stan's got to go to work.

Eh? Oh, yeah.

Merry Christmas, Stan. Hope you have a nice day.

I'm going back to bed. I'll be thinking of you.

Oh, I'll join you soon as I've finished, love.

Eh?

Oh. Well, on second thoughts, perhaps I'll stay...

You have to be nasty on Christmas morning.

What do you call me for? I was having a lovely... Well, we've got to give the

presents out, because Stan's got to go.

Well, he could have waited.

We always give the presents out at breakfast.

It's a sort of Christmas tradition in the family.

Like the Pope's message in the Queen's Speech.

Anyway, you let her wait till I come home for lunchtime, because I've got to

to work now.

Oh, I've got a special.

Go on, have mine.

Eh? Eh?

Shall we? Yes, go on.

She is a baby. She's never grown up. There we are.

Merry Christmas.

It's from Stan and me to you both.

Oh, thank you.

Just the one present for the two of us.

It's very nice, I'm sure.

Oh, look, Arthur. It's an electric blanket.

Very useful.

It's just what we need. We did.

Arthur's always saying how long it takes me to get warm in bed.

It's a pity you didn't take one on your honeymoon.

We didn't need one then, did we, Arthur? No, you brought your hot water bottle.

Oh, you remember.

Well, I'm hardly likely to forget, am I, seeing as it leaked the first night.

Hardly a night of romance, was it? Yeah.

drenched her bed socks.

Oh, it's only a single bed size.

Yes, love, we thought a single one would be better.

Not only that, we didn't have enough green stamps for a double.

Oh, I know, Arthur. We can lay sideways across the middle of the bed and share

it. Oh, don't be stupid. That means we'll both end up with hot bottoms and

feet.

That's all right.

Then you'll put your cold feet on your hot bottoms.

the foot of the bed and put our feet on it. Oh, don't talk wet. That'll melt

your chill, Blaine, or it meant you'll end up with two fried feet.

Now, what a dump team.

There we are. There's me turkey.

All ready now. All I've got to do is sew him up.

Come on here, love. Give us a hand. Mum, finish me breakfast. Oh, come on. I

can't do it by myself. It's a big dirt.

All right, all right. Come on, hold it up. Right, that's it. There we go. Now,

get this done.

Here, it reminds me, Arbor.

How's your operation?

Oh, blimey, look at the time. I'll be late for work.

Where's my shoes, Mum?

Butterfly, love. Right.

Here, don't forget, we're having dinner at two o 'clock.

Don't be late, will you, love?

Late? I don't finish up, I ask to.

There's no buses running up and in, you know. Then I have to walk home. I won't

be up with gone far.

What a shame.

He'll have to have his cold.

Cold Christmas dinner. We always eat together here. No, we'll have to wait

he comes home.

I can't have my dinner at four o 'clock.

No, but that's because you're still eating your breakfast.

Don't be so nasty. Yes, Dan.

Well, I, for one, am not waiting till four o 'clock for my turkey. I want it

two. Your turkey?

Stampede, is she?

His contribution just about paid for the stuffing.

Oh,

I know.

Arthur could come and collect you on his motorcycle.

Hey, don't be so ridiculous. Oh, don't be so silly. I am not being silly.

I don't see why I should have to suffer just because he's got to go to work.

Why can't we have dinner without snow?

Oh, well, because I say so and don't speak with your mouth full. She didn't

speak with her mouth full. She'll never say a word. Oh, shut up. Anyway, it's

all settled.

It is not settled. I've agreed to no such thing. What do you mind what you're

doing with that needle? Oh, you should take your finger out. Oh, shut up. And

don't you speak to him like that. Well, it's always the same, isn't it?

I'll wait for the depo.

I'll wait for the depo.

I'll wait for the depo.

through, I'll wait to get home and get my Christmas dinner. Oh, waste of time

that journey was. We only took four in eight months.

We're running a public service, aren't we? Look, Blakey, nobody goes to the

cemetery gates on Christmas morning, alive or dead.

Oh, come on, come on.

My old mum's waiting for me.

See, you stuck your spout on then. Yeah, it's a couple of the chaps in

maintenance gave me some special glue. It works all right. Made a nice neat

cover, that. You can't see the join rate, yeah?

Yeah.

Hello. See you, Blakey.

Right. I think you've bunged one of your little holes up. Eh?

What are you talking about?

Yeah. Nah, I'm sure.

Yeah. You've bunged up. How could you tell, then? Well, you'll have to blow

through it, won't you?

Yeah.

Don't strain yourself, mate.

It's bunged up a bit, isn't it?

Blimey, you've got to blow it harder now, haven't you?

You've got one of your little holes bunged up, I told you.

Ah.

Oh, that's very musical there.

Do you know what, Blakey? I reckon you could play first teapot in the London

Philharmonic.

Will you shut up a minute? I think it's clearing.

Yeah, it's off again. Oh, listen to that teapot music. A very stirring noise.

Now, get out of here. Go on, sign out and get out. Come on.

I'm waiting to lock up the tempo here. No, you can't do that. My brother -in

-law's picking me up on me motorbike. And, blimey, he's late, isn't he? He

in the family, doesn't he?

Oh, where is Arthur?

He promised he wouldn't be late. Oh, look, me lovely bird.

It's going to be all ruined.

Oh, it's all right, Mum. Here he is now.

Oh, good. I'll put the bird back in the oven.

I didn't.

Give us a great big plonker, come on. Come on, come on!

Oh, Mum, he can't drive in that state. Who's going to pick up Stan?

Of course I can. I've only had a few.

Yeah, a few too many.

Oh, he can't drive like that. Now I won't be able to have me dinner till

'clock.

You look very lovely when you're angry.

Oh, shut up!

Oh, Mum, I know. I've got me provisional licence.

I can drive the bike. Yay!

so stupid you've only had two lessons?

Well, she's got the hang of it, yeah.

My dear mother -in -law, your daughter has been married for nine years. She

still hasn't got the hang of it.

Come on, Mum.

Now, you are sure you want to come, Mum? Well, of course, love.

Anyway, I'd rather see what's going on and there's nothing more I can do in

there. It'll all be ready in half an hour. All right. All right, flatten me

down. Come on. Shut up. There we are.

There we are.

Now start the engine for me, Arthur. Right now, my little chad.

There we are.

All right, now get on. Get on.

that's because you haven't got it in gear my little beloved oh shut up I know

exactly what I'm doing

right, don't he?

Why, he's having a bit of a kip, I expect.

Oh, no.

Here he comes now.

Mum, he's had a bit of a leap.

He's got the old place up. He drives driving.

Well, so what? She can drive, can't she? She can drive, but she can't stop.

me dinner. We've been here over an hour. Me turkey's going to be very dry.

All

right,

Mum, we got it out now.

Well, can we go then?

You'll be nothing.

What are you talking about? Anyone's bending out, straightening out. bit of

salt. Oh,

Stan, if only there was someone that could go and put a bit of water in the

Couldn't we phone someone and ask them to go and turn the gas off?

You talk out of back of your neck sometimes.

How can they? It's all locked up in here.

Shall I tell her or will you?

Oh, be careful.

There wouldn't be another accident.

I wouldn't bet on that.

Now, you sit in there behind your mark and shut your mouth. You've done enough

damage for one day. Come on, though. We've been the back of the... Get a move

on. Come on. Come on. Hurry up.

Hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

You're what?

I'll drive.

I'm not taking any chances with you now. Come on. I'm not as sober as anyone,

mate. Get on. All right, all right.

Thank you.

What happened to you then?

They ran over the wheel of my bike. I've got to push it all the way home now.

Well, we're sorry we can't give you a lift.

Never mind. Merry Christmas, mate.

Yeah.

Oh, look at that, look.

I've gone and missed a Queen's speech and all now.

Well,

I can't spin it, can you?

No, see, I wonder what sort of sight it's in. Well, it can't be burning, can

Let's go and turn the oven on. Right, let's do that.

Potatoes are boiled over.

Torch it's foam.

Look at it.

What? What's in the sheet?

Oh, shut up, you stupid idiot.

Evening, all.

I've been keeping watch till you got back.

Yeah, what's all this? What's all this then?

You ought to be a bit more careful, sir. Your house could have burned down while

you were out enjoying yourself.

Harry?

There was smoke pouring through that window. So the fire brigade was called.

What stupid great idiot did that? Yeah, I did, sir. Oh, well, very patient of

you. Good thing for you some people are working today. We can't all enjoy the

holiday, you know.

If you don't mind, sir, I must be getting along.

I'm off duty now, and my Christmas dinner will be waiting for me. Oh, by

way, I think your turkey's still in the oven.

Oh! Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Get it out!

Hang on a minute.

Hang on, I can't find the other.

Oh, I think we're in luck, Mum.

I think... Oh,

Dad.

The lovely bird's all shrunk.

That's your fault, isn't it? Going out for lunchtime, getting booed. Don't you

start on me, mate. It was your sister who drove the bike in the bus, wasn't

Oh, Dad, what are we going to do, love?

Well, I don't know what you're crying for.

Blimey, you've always wanted a white Christmas. Now you've got one, haven't