Original subtitles

Go on, let's have a cup of tea.

Hang on, what's this here then?

I don't know, it's all in gibberish.

No, that's the Indian bit of it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I know.

That's the Indian dinner we're having tonight.

Oh, yeah. Fancy going?

Well, it's a bit of a lot. We've got a sense of humour, haven't we?

We've got all busmen invited.

Even whites.

Anyway, listen, I want to get to know this Indian bird here.

Oh, Fatima?

Oh, blimey, mate, you don't stand a chance there. Two teeth, please, love.

not? Well, I mean, she fancies me. I'm her type.

I suppose you think that if she sees you in your wife's front, she'll think

you're Gandhi.

Listen, mate, I am well in there.

Didn't you see the look she gave me while I was having me lunch? I mean, she

didn't give you an extra dollop of treacle on your pudding.

Just as well I was having egg and chips.

Go on, sit here.

Not there.

Blimey, it's all cluttered up, mate. Exactly.

Fat man will have to come and clear it, you see.

Very clever, mate.

Hello, darling. Do you like it here, then?

We're wasting our time, mate, aren't we?

Well, she's only just arrived. I don't think she speaks the lingo.

Heads up, there's Dracula.

Oh, Blackie, what have you got there?

Tomato soup or Clippy's blood?

Well, it can't be bus driver's blood, can it? Because I ain't got none.

Blackie, come and sit down here, look. Stay out of me, I've got a problem.

Yeah. Well, you want to be joined to belong to the human race, do you or

something? Look, mate, you speak the Indian lingo, don't you? I mean, you was

there during the war. Yes, I had four years out there under Mount Batten to

the world for the likes of you idiots. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

Look, Blakey, listen, Blakey, listen.

All we want to know, we want to say in Indian to this bird here, we want to say

we think you're a smashing bit of stuff.

What's that?

I might have known it was going to be something like that. Look, Blakey, what

I say to her? I mean, you must have chatted up the birds in India.

I did nothing of the kind. I treated them properly with respect.

Oh, come out of it, mate. You were there for four years. Surely you, um... Well,

you know what I mean.

Yeah, especially in that heat.

I did nothing of the kind.

Besides, I had my job to do. I was in transport.

I used to have to manhandle the mules.

The mules?

Go on, you can laugh.

I used to lead them mules 500 miles right through jungles, mountains,

right through the swamps.

Aerial bombardments right through the enemy lines, and I still used to get

every month on schedule.

Land of... Oh,

and stop.

Knock everything, it's just.

You can't even drive a bus from here to the cemetery gates and back again on

time every week. Look, simmer down, mate, simmer down. Look, all we want to

know, all I want to know to say in Indian is...

please will you come out with me tonight?

Oh, Stanley, you haven't got a clue.

Look, how do I say to her, what about some fish and chips and a quick snog

behind the boozer?

You can't talk to them girls like that.

You've got to treat them properly, politely.

Well, that is polite for him. Usually you don't ask.

Now, you listen to me, you two.

If you're thinking of going to that coloured busman's social tonight, you've

to behave yourself. That girl's got to be treated properly with respect. All

right, there'll be no discrimination.

I shall treat her exactly the same as I do the other birds. Yeah, filthy beast.

But don't worry, mate, he's not staying a chance, not an earthly, does he, my

darling?

Come on, mate, get a move on. I don't want to miss anything.

What's that you've got there?

Ah, it's me washing from the laundrette. Well, don't take it in there, mate. Put

it in the locker room. Why, let you get in there first. Chat up the boat first.

Not likely, mate. No, I've never done anything like it, mate.

Ah, welcome to our little gathering.

Oh, yes.

That's not with that.

Yes. Well, yeah.

Sorry we're late, Ahmed.

It's all right. I have kept a plate for you. Oh, thank you.

What are you doing here?

Take your shoes off.

Eh? Take your shoes off.

I can't get hold of myself.

You know they could leave the Commonwealth over you two.

Properly let our side down, ain't you, eh?

Listen,

beautiful music, this.

Barmy nights in the mess at Bankypore.

No, no. No wonder they play something I recognise.

That happens to be one of the Beatles' latest hits.

Oh!

Here, Ahmed, is Fatima here?

Yes. She will be bringing you some refreshment now.

Let's face it, it's a lot better than the old skirt and jumper, isn't it?

Padma is dressed like that because she's going to entertain us later on. Yeah,

she's entertaining me already.

Padma is going to dance for us. A special Indian dance.

Right, yeah.

Hey, look where she keeps her earring.

I wonder where she keeps the rest of my jewelry.

Here, how's she holding that in?

She must have a left -hand thread.

You like good food.

Oh, blabber, she speaks English.

Oh, yes, I would like some.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

You like it?

I make it myself.

Yes, it's great. It's sensational.

Oh, Jennifer.

Go on, blimey.

Hey, what's that you're eating, Stan?

Well, I could tell you. Go on.

I think there's an Indian gobstopper.

Fatima's going to do a dog.

Oh, blimey, she's got a snake.

What's she doing?

That's the Fosani Kanachai. It's the Indian fertility dance.

It's very successful.

Yeah. No wonder they've got a big population.

Oh, blimey, she gets me going when she's just clearing the tables. I didn't

think...

I don't think what's going to happen if she don't stop wriggling about with that

snake. That's very artistic.

That girl has to rehearse that all day long. Do you know that?

What's she rehearse with, a roly -poly?

I'll be right off at Jelly Deals.

The matabalji was delicious.

Well, Blackie, that seems to be the end of the party, mate, isn't it? Yes,

lovely party.

Have you seen Jack?

Yes, he's just gone out to the joint somewhere.

Here, listen, before he comes back, listen, how do I say in Indian, please,

you come out with me tonight?

It's our primary start.

How do you know?

I just asked Fatima and she said yes.

What?

Late again, Butler.

Don't be late in the morning, will you?

Where are you, rotten... Ah, well, I just had to bump into her.

I bet you did bump into her. All right, if you don't believe me, ask yourself.

I'm well in there, mate. Oh, well, I'll ask. We'll see what you do.

We'll see.

You ready, love?

Yes, I am.

Fatima, is that right you're going out with Jack tonight?

Yes. Is that all right?

Oh, yeah, all right, don't I?

Well, enjoy yourself, then.

Yeah, let's go then.

Yes, I just have to take my snake.

Snake?

God, Bobby, not bringing that thing.

I just have to take my snake home. I take my snake in his basket.

I hope the three of you will be very happy.

You ain't like telling fellas.

Look, Fatima.

We can't take a snake into an English pub.

I've no one to take him home for me.

Oh, God almighty.

Look, would he be all right in there?

Oh, yes.

He sleeps anywhere.

Right, I'll just take the old clothes out then.

That's lovely. Right, you shove him in there.

That's the way.

Oh, he's big, isn't he? Yeah.

Right.

That's it.

Put him in.

Right.

That's it.

Yeah, my friend Stan will take him home.

And we'll collect him later. Let's just put that on there to keep him warm.

That's it.

Stan's a great snake lover.

What a mug!

He's lumbered with a snake, see?

Don't take the mother, she takes the snake.

Stan, look, I've got a bit of a problem.

I'll bet you have.

Yeah, well, I was just wondering if you could take my washing home and I'll

collect it in the morning. Yeah, of course I will, mate. I mean, you need

your hands, won't you? I hate to stop that dirty, slimy snake crying up your

trouser leg.

Stan,

I have something for you.

Ah. I'm sure your family would like to taste Indian sweeties. Yeah, they would,

Armin. Thank you very, very much indeed.

Oh, and that's nice of him, eh?

Hey, I'll put it in your bag.

Oh, God.

That's you, mate.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Cool, what a bugger.

Anyway, I'll be going now, mate.

Armin, what have you got in here?

Lead? No, it's the washing. It's a bit damp.

Damn, must be wringing wet with the feel of this.

Anyway, I'm going home now.

I'll tell you what, mate.

If you feel any big bite in the back of your neck, make sure it's her and not

the snake.

He probably said no.

It wasn't a nice party. Yeah, it wasn't bad at all.

They had a bird, an Indian bird called Fatima, and she did a snake dance.

A snake?

Yeah, a great long thing, about ten foot long it was, and it twisted itself all

round her body, you know.

I dare say she's a very nice girl, but her ways aren't her ways.

Imagine my Olive doing a thing like that.

I don't know.

She got in a few peculiar positions this morning when she tried to put two feet

in one tight.

I've got glasses on.

Oh, wasn't that funny?

No, I wasn't laughing at you and her.

No, I was just thinking about Jack. Hey, what? Oh, go on, tell.

Hey, what?

You see, he was breaking his neck to date this bird, see, Fatima, and

he did it, you see.

Then she says, oh, I've got to take my snake home with me.

with a snake.

Anyway, I'll put this in the hall. Who smacks that like? Well, it's Jack, isn't

it? Well, I mean, he needs both his hands to board up the snake, doesn't he?

Oh,

I nearly forgot.

Here, there's this fella, Ahmed, who ran this Indian dude down there.

Yeah, he brought me some sweetmeats to give to you.

He's a nice bloke. Here, I want you to try one, Mum. Do you try one? Oh, yeah,

they're safe to eat.

Hi. Olive, you try one first.

Yes, Dan, this one's not a bug. taken out of it? Is it?

I've never noticed that before.

Ah, perhaps it got broken off in the bag, yeah. Now then, which one shall I

have? Ah, now, wait a minute, Mum. Now, you see that one there, those there,

see, they've got that white powder on them. They're a sort of, Armie told me,

sort of a love potion.

It is, yeah, and he called it, um, an aphrodisiac.

Ah, I thought I didn't know you spoke Indian.

Happens to be English.

That's probably powdered rhinoceros horn. Makes you eager for love.

We never had anything like that in my day.

What your dad couldn't do it in beer and shrimps, he didn't do.

I don't think them Indian sweets work.

It does, I tell you. It's a love potion and it sort of makes you sort of, well,

you know.

Dear Arthur, you have one. Go on.

It'd be a pity to waste them, wouldn't it?

What? Have a smell.

That's not no sweets. That's that bag.

What's he got in there?

Now, get out of it. That's Jack's washing. That's personal.

He was bringing it back from the laundrette. Bringing it back? By the

it, you've all been taking it.

These sweets are quite enough.

Arthur, the bag wobbled.

What are you on about?

It wobbled all on its own. What do you mean it wobbled?

It did. It went in and out.

In and out?

Don't be dumb.

Oh, it's them Indian sweets.

You don't know what's in them. They can do some funny things with their herbs.

She might be going into a trance.

She's been in a trance all her life.

Well, you know how sensitive she is.

She gets hot flush if she has a wine gum.

It wobbled.

It didn't wobble.

The only thing that wobbles is you.

I know I saw it move.

I'm going to bed.

I know I wobble when I see one.

Here, wobbler.

Take that bag out, will you? I can't stand that pong any longer.

Oh,

what's

Chelsea going to do?

Well, they'll win, of course, won't they?

I'm worried about Olive.

Why? Well, she's peculiar seeing things.

She's not herself at all.

I wouldn't say that.

Oh, God, now what's happened?

Oh, you know her. She's probably seen a spider.

Oh, God, get off me.

Oh, right, all right. What's the matter with you?

Olive, you shut up now.

Olive,

Olive, where are you?

Where are you, Olive?

There's a snake after me. I saw a snake.

There you are. That's you talking about snakes. You know how she thinks with her

stomach. Look, come.

There's nothing here.

Come on, love. Out of the bathroom.

I tell you, I saw a snake, a great big green and brown. Look, darling, it's

imagination. Look, there's nothing here.

No, I think it went in the loo. Oh, I suppose it was passing. It got took

and went in.

Oh, go on. You're all right. There's nothing here, lovey. See, mum's with

mind telling me how that snake got in the house? Yeah, I've got it. Yeah, I

he's done it. It's Jack.

You won't last see him.

Do you know what he's done, see? He's put the snake in the bag, put his

on top, got me to take it home. That's what's happened. I see.

Well, you've got it in the house. You get it out, mate. No,

no, where is it? No.

No, no.

It's not used to me, see?

But you said it was tamed. Yeah, well, it is with a girl, see?

It's only a girl can get that out, see?

Olive, you get it out.

Come on, give me a hand. What shall I do?

Smash a mortar on her face.

Ain't got no time for that here.

Ring her knickers out on her.

Don't stand there. Give me a hand. All right, all right.

That's it.

That's it, Snake.

Evening. Perhaps he's gone back in the loo.

We'll nip out there and shut the door on it quickly. Yeah, but perhaps we'd

better let it quieten down first. Oh, no.

Well,

I'll have a peek then.

Just a bit. Yeah.

Well, just a little.

Let me go.

It's not in the loo!

Crap, it's gone down the stairs!

Oh my God.

Blimey, it's cold up on the rug outside.

What? On my new blue rug?

Blimey, I'll be down trying.

Look, mate, that is sitting out there waiting for us. It can smell us. You

for yourself.

What do you mean, smell us out? But it smells the door shut.

Look, mate, I can smell him, so I'm really sure he can smell us.

Well, perhaps it'll go away when he gets hungry.

Look, they only get fed once every three weeks. Oh, I see. And then you have to

give them a live rabbit.

Oh, God!

Thank heavens I put the cat down. All right, then, Mr Cleverdick, what have

got to do now?

I ain't going out there.

Here. Open the window and shout for help. Yeah, that's it, yeah.

The fire brigade, Iris or something. Right up.

Help! Help!

Well,

somebody answered.

What did he say? Shut up.

Oh, blimey, what a neighbourhood.

Here, you've got a piercing voice. You shout out, Olive.

Oh, no, love. Think of what the neighbours would think. Might think

attacking her.

That seems a reasonable assumption.

Go on, love. Go on, have a go. Go on.

Help! Help!

God blimey, is that the best you can do?

You sound like Tiny Tim on one of his off days.

Have you ever had to shout for help before?

That I can well believe.

Yeah, let me have a go.

They're sure to come when they hear a poor old widow. Oh, God. Help!

I'll be a swallow of moths.

Anyone's home?

Oh, come in, love. They must all be upstairs.

They wouldn't have gone out when I shut in the back door.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Oh, brother, what's wrong?

They're staying you upstairs.

We're trapped in the bathroom. The snake's got loose.

God almighty.

The phantom was here.

Where is it?

It's up here.

It's gone quiet.

Has she got it yet?

All right, love. Here you are. Do your stuff.

Has she got him in the bag yet?

Jack, don't go.

I want a word with you.

Just one and I'll kill him.

Now, don't come out, Stan. It's still loose.

Right, come on, love. There you go.

All right, Stan. Come out now. It's in the bag.

Go on.

You stupid, great idiot.

I couldn't help it. The answer's gone right the way through.

Well, open it.

You need a battering ram to get this door down.

I'll infuse your head.

Don't break the door down. It costs pounds to get mended.

She's right there. Come on. Come on.