Original subtitles

Jack, you coming in for coffee, mate? No, I don't think I will. It's half past

eleven. Yeah, it's a bit late, isn't it? Yeah, your family's all gone to bed. No

sign of life, anyway.

My family's no sign of life when they're awake.

Oh, blimey, this lot's been in bed two hours, mate. How can you tell? Listen,

listen.

Blimey.

Takes them two hours to work up to that. Go on. They spend the first half hour

tuning up.

I'll see you tomorrow morning. Yeah, all right. Good night, mate. Good night,

mate.

Oh blimey, this rock thing's gone again.

Let's do it, leave it to me. He needs a special sort of jerk.

Oh, I'm in a lovely sleep.

What's going on?

What's the matter with the loo? Shh!

The jerk's at work.

He needs a delicate touch. I happen to have the knack. Not with everything.

Stop it. All you gotta do is I was ashamed down. Oh, yeah, man I stand here

the chain down. Oh, don't talk stupid tied down with a bit of string

Which

way you going?

Well, I can fix it. I need a spanner. Spanner.

We've got one in the bedroom under the bed. Get it, Olive.

You keep a spanner under the bed?

Oh, Arthur's like that. He keeps some very peculiar things in his bedroom.

you laugh?

You can say that again.

Anyway, I need a torch and all.

and there must be more to married life than I thought.

Anyway, that old thing, I don't know how you've lived with it so long. No, he's

right there, my, you know. Well, there's nothing wrong with that. Your

grandfather put that up with his own hands.

Mum, he's been dead 50 years.

Give us a hand up. Give us a hand up. You might find a... You might find a...

Well, hold me on.

Hang on to it. Hang on a minute. I've got my foot down the fan.

Put on.

Hand me down, I need.

It's just come out of its seat. That's all that's happened to it.

There. Keep going.

Keep going, baby.

What's Dan doing?

I'm washing my hands, you silly... Kiss the torch!

There,

what can you see?

Nothing, I've dropped the torch in it.

You clumsy great idiot, I've just bought a new battery.

You idiot, his light's gone out. Well, put your hand in the water, fiddle

Oh, no, I mean... Careful, Stan.

Oh, I've got it, I've got it.

Got it? Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Look at that, it won't go on now. Well, I can't help that.

Oh, Stan, you've dipped your rich spot in the water.

I do, if that's not a good... Shut your face. Get this fan out, get this fan

out. I'll see if I can tighten up the nut on the vault.

the fish next banner out. You what?

You fish it out. Brilliant.

Oh,

thank

you very much, Jack. Sorry to be such a trouble. No, it's a pleasure. Anytime.

Ridiculous. Get it soaking wet every time you want to go out and do. You

shouldn't have got up so late. It wasn't raining when I went.

Yeah, well, I do not intend listening to the weather forecast every time I want

to go.

Well, it can be very embarrassing.

I'm going to wait till I go down to the shop.

It's nothing for you. We'll have to get a new one. It's going to cost a bit, you

know.

Mind you, we could use the old system and buy a new van. Oh, no. If we're

to have a change, I want one of them low -level suites.

What on earth for?

I don't want to pull it. I want to turn it.

You're a snob, that's what you are. Oh.

And besides, they cost a bomb. Well, most people in the street have got them.

Anyway, I've got a little bit of money saved up for me high -level grill for

kitchen. Now, make up your mind. What do you want, high -level grill or low

-level loo?

Well, most people have both these days.

Well, you'll have to be different, won't you? You'll have to have a high -level

loo and a low -level grill.

Oh, welcome home.

That was most embarrassing.

As I walked down the street like this, the millman whistled at me.

Most probably thought you was his horse.

Don't say such things.

Well, now, listen. What are we going to do about the loom?

We'll all have to chip in.

Chip in?

You must be joking, mate. You broke it. You pay for it.

Listen, mate.

If you don't pay your wet, I'm going to lock it up so you can't use it.

How childish you are.

All right, then. You, me and Mum will pay a third each.

Oh, no, no, you won't. There's two of you, you and Olive. No, me and Mum will

pay half, you pay half. You'll be lucky.

All right, then. I'll lock it up so she can't use it.

All right, I'll pay half. I suppose I owe it to her. Oh, thank you, love.

You can have it for your birthday.

I'll tell you what I'll do, love.

I'll put some candles on the seat and we'll all gather round and blow them

Oh, my.

You mustn't say those things.

Hey, listen, I just thought of something.

What? There's a place on our route that have got all these toilets and baths.

They've got them out on the pavement. You've seen them, haven't you? Do you

what? I reckon I can get one cheap.

Oh, we could go and have a look. Oh, I want to go.

In that case, I shall be there. I want to see how you're spending my money.

Why don't we pack some grub and make a picnic of it?

Well, here we are, Mum.

Here. How about this one, then? What's the matter?

We don't have to choose it in the street, do we? Why not?

Well, it's not very nice.

Well, we'd be buying a pen.

You're not trying on a dress, you know. Oh, come on, let's get on with it.

There's plenty more inside.

That's not a proper one. That's plastic, isn't it? Look.

Oh, no, I want a solid one. I don't want them plastic ones. They catch fire.

I've got you too, Tom.

Catch fire?

Yeah. Well, if it catches fire, you just put the handle down, it puts it out,

doesn't it?

How do you open that catch fire?

Well, you know how careless Olive is with her cigarette.

She bound a big hole in the blanket the other day.

That was in bed. I wouldn't fall asleep in there.

You'd fall asleep anyway.

Anyway. Anyway, if it is plastic, it don't catch fire. It just melts.

Well, that can be very embarrassing, can't it?

I mean, one minute you're sitting there, the next you're floating away on a sea

of red -hot molten plastic.

Oh, no.

Now, I want a solid... Ooh, I like that one. Now, that's lovely. That is...

That's old Danil.

Oh, no, it's not. It's green.

Eh?

Anyway, since he's a frustrated export... Export?

Oh, Stan. What? If it's made for abroad, perhaps it won't work in England.

What are you talking about?

Well, like the cars.

They're not the same.

Well, if it please you, I'll put a notice on the back. Left hand drive, no

signals.

Well, it might be one of their metrical ones.

You know, all different sizes.

We're all different sizes, aren't we?

Will you take Olive? She's got a great big fat... No,

I mean, it's like continental shoes. I mean, they're all different.

They're too narrow for me.

Well, I'll get you a shoehorn in case you get stuck.

For God's sake.

Arthur, are we going to have this one or not? Yes, yes, for God's sake. Let's

have that. Here, governor.

Here, mate.

We'll have this greening.

Well, they're £8 .15.

Now, would you like a nice seat to go with it?

Oh, don't they come with a lit seat? No, they're an optional extra.

Oh. Yeah, wood or plastic, take your choice, sir. Oh, wood, it's much nicer.

What do you mean, nicer? Oh, well, your wood, look, that's nice and warm, isn't

it? I mean, your plastic's all cold.

You can get a rash from plastic.

Lama, you've done half -talk and a load of rubbish.

Well, it's like these nylon shirts.

They don't breathe.

You have them on a couple of hours and you're all clammy.

We're not sitting on there for a couple of hours, are we?

Maybe that's happened, mate.

I wouldn't like a wooden one. I had a very unfortunate experience with a

one in Lowestoft. Do you remember, Arthur? Yes, yes, yes.

I got a splinter from it. Do you remember that?

No, no. Yeah, let's make this. Now, if you really want a posh one, how about

that black one up there? It's got a lid on it. Oh, yes, that's lovely.

Oh, yes, that's more discreet. I mean, look, this is like having your own front

door, isn't it?

We'll put a knocker on it for you, shall we?

Have you made up your mind?

Yeah, we're going to have this green in, and we'll have this black one with the

lid here.

We want a cistern, but nothing dear, you know, a bit cheap.

Right, you've got all the things that go with it, the pipes and all that.

Yep, you'll find them all in there.

Oh, that's lovely, isn't it? Yeah.

How much is that, then?

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll let you have a lot for 15 quid. Oh, right.

And can you send it round straight away, please?

No, dear, we don't deliver none of these prices.

Eh?

How the hell are we going to get this owned, then?

Well, I suppose I could do it for you myself, private.

That'll cost you an extra 30 bucks.

But not for at least a week, you see. A week? A week?

Come on, we can't wait that long.

No. Here, cop your 15, Nicker. Cop the 15, Nicker.

I'll take the lid.

No, one minute. How are we going to get this done? Well, I'm not forking out for

a taxi, I tell you that. No, one minute. Wait a minute, hang on.

What's the time? Yeah.

Oh, Jack, his bus is due in a couple of minutes. He'll let us get on with the

lot. All right, take the seat. I'll take the seat.

I'll take the seat. I'll take the seat.

Here, hold on. Hold on, Ollie.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'll text you. Come on, mate.

Well, I hope you're satisfied now, then.

All right, I'm coming tonight.

Come on, aren't I?

Oh, look, Mum, there's a couple of people down there.

I'm all right, love.

I've got me own.

That's it, mate.

You're not bringing that on this bus, eh?

This is a public conveyance, not a public convenience.

I'm not having that on.

Listen, mate, this is part of our shopping.

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

You're a right liberty taker, aren't you? I'll get a right rollicking from

inspector if I turn up to the depot with that on board.

Look, all we want to do is drop you off at the bottom of our road. No, no.

Why the hell didn't you have it sent?

Because he said it takes seven days to deliver it.

Well, that's your hard luck, then, isn't it? All right, all right.

Grab hold of that, Ted. Grab hold of it. If he doesn't mind us popping round his

place. Oh, what, for seven days?

Blimey, we've had quite enough of that, thank you.

Four of you queuing up and me lying fifth.

All right, come on then, bring it on.

Stick it down there and I'll keep an eye on it. You'll have to come up to this.

We're pulled down here. All right, then. Hold me tight now, please.

Won't you give him a wash and brush up now, then?

You are the attendant, I suppose, are you?

What is this?

This object here.

Well, haven't you got one in your house?

How did it get on the bus?

Oh, well, someone must have slipped it on when I wasn't looking.

Eh? Yeah.

Or it slipped out of somebody's pocket, I suppose.

Oh, hello,

Blakey. Oh, yeah, this is mine.

Butler.

I might, I guess I'd find you behind that.

What do you mean by bringing that object on the bus, eh?

Well, what's the objection?

Objection? You do know what it is, I suppose, don't you?

Yeah, it's a large egg cup.

Egg cup.

I'd like to see the bird that could fill an egg with that.

So would I, but I'd like to be around when it was flying.

Get it off, come on.

Anyway, listen, Jack let me on with it anyway.

Well, he had no right to. Hang about. I know my rights. Rule 62.

A conductor is allowed to use his discretion to let things on the bus.

Yes, and an inspector can use his discretion to order them off. Get it

on. You had no right to put it on there.

It's unhealthy.

Look, mate, you're a bus inspector, not a sanitary inspector.

Blimey, the way you were talking, anybody would think it was connected up.

You heard what I said. Get it off there. You had no right to put it on there at

all. It's obstructing the platform.

Ah, ah.

Rule 81.

Nothing will be carried which obstructs the platform.

What's the order?

Oh, it's him, Blakey. What's the matter now?

This bus is not moving off until that closet's taken off.

Oh, come on, come on, come on. We'll find some other way.

Go on.

You're enjoying this, aren't you? Yeah.

I thought it was going to be a rotten day and all.

Here, can we go now?

No, hang about.

I'm going to have a word with your driver. He's running late.

I said he's gone! So?

Well, let's stick it in the back of the bus!

Eh? Stick it in the back of the bus!

Oh, yeah. Thanks very much. Well, thank you very much.

That's all right. Bye -bye, then.

Kiss you another.

Bye, then. Thank you very much. Thank you.

It's

done

it. Lovely.

Hey, Mum!

You can come and have a look. I've finished it. What?

Do you mind? I was here first. You get in the queue.

Well, I was only just inquiring. Yeah, well then.

You sure you made the connections all right?

He does.

Now, if you don't fancy it, mate, go elsewhere.

That's all.

Listen, Mum.

I've put this one in, and it's one of them nice, quiet ones. You can hardly

a sound.

You come and listen. Come and listen.

All right.

Oh.

Why don't you keep quiet? Just when Stan's going to demonstrate.

It's not a symphony concert. We're not the Albert Halls.

Well, keep quiet while he does it.

You ready?

Who do you think you are? You're Udi Menuhin.

Will you be quiet?

Is that it?

No, that was me shushing him.

I've done it. Yeah, I'm going to do it now. Now, listen. Here we go.

Is it finished?

Once it's finished, that was it.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

Oh, and doesn't the seat look nice? I'm glad we got that solid one.

Oh, I've got a lovely little doily. Oh, no, no.

Finish it off there now.

Why don't you put the vase of flowers on it?

And that picture of Dad in the silver frame, you know? Oh, Stan, how could

Well, it's a bit stupid, isn't it? I mean, the doily's going to fall off

time you lift it.

You're a great twit, you can't lift a seat up.

Oh, that could be very awkward, Stan.

Well, you're going to need to be an acrobat, aren't you?

It's a bit stiff, that's all.

Maybe I'll go...

Take it off. That's if we're ever going to use it. Either that or put the toilet

and the flowers on. We'll all go round the jacks.

Stop being funny.

There's no need to take it off. Look, I've left a space here so the system can

go back far. That's all it is. I'll give it a push and that's it. Here we go

then. Right, boom.

Fix it. There's no water.

I was just about to rinse the air in the water.

I'll turn it off. You'll have to wait.

I can't. The shampoo's got dye in it. If I don't rinse me hair now, I'll be

overdone. I didn't know you dyed your hair.

Well, I do.

I thought it was an actual mouse.

Oh, I forgot.

I don't know why.

I know. It won't really fall out.

If it just does love, you can have it a style like he's got.

Now, go and turn it on. I'll fix it.

It's all done now.

It's all done.

I must say, ready for use.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

I've waited 25 years for this.

Have you really?

Yes. Well, in that case, you'd better go first. Oh, no.

This will be low -level sweet. Oh, yeah. Well, if it's all worked enough, you

two don't mind, I'll go to you first.

Oh, right.

Do you mind if I pick up my tools? You're right,

lovely boy.

There we are.

Just be my guest.

Thank you.

Lovely. Excuse me.

Right.

Makes the pants stick out so far I can't shut the door. Well, can't you shove it

in a bit more?

Not unless you want the other half in the street.

Look, it's no good.

You'll have to get a new one like the old one up there.

Well, what are we going to do with this one? We've only just bought it.

Advertise it. That's what I'll do. Stick an advert in the paper.

One owner, never been used, brand new.

I'll think of something.

Yeah, well, meanwhile, we've got to make some arrangements for tomorrow morning,

haven't we?