Original subtitles

Here, I'm starving. Where's the sausage rolls?

Oh, blimey, I forgot those. Hang on. I'll stick them up.

Put them on the manifold here.

Oh, blimey, they're not a treat, mate. Look at that. Good job the engine was

overeating.

Oh, mate, here.

Where's the chips?

Oh, yeah.

Hang on.

I don't like that.

No. Well, not a couple of minutes yet.

How long have we got to go? I mean, when would you have?

Five minutes to go.

Five minutes?

Blimey, means we've got another ten minutes, hasn't he?

Yeah, we'd better watch it, son.

Hold it, there's on the warpath today.

Oh, Frankie? Yeah.

You'll never come to the cemetery gates?

The only time you'll come here, mate, is when they cut you in a box.

You two watched me into an early grave, wouldn't you?

Come on, when do you think you're on? You two lazy, loafing lads in layabouts.

I was having a bit of grub. I see our dinner.

Dinner? Yeah.

You were supposed to be due out five minutes ago.

We couldn't have kept one ready.

I'll see you around.

Come on.

Let's have another go.

You're supposed to be running a service. What about the poor woman in public?

Let them get their own chips.

Come on, get that knock cleaned up. Come on.

Jump to it.

You checked the top deck, have you? Of course I have.

I don't believe you. I'll check it myself.

You two change the destination boards and get that knock cleaned up right

Come on. Hey, Frankie.

Land us your pencil, will you? I want to fill in my way, Bill.

You know, it's a vector, eh?

Just right for stirring, I'll tell you.

I'll give you a hand. Go on, then.

Give it a whine.

I'll tell you when.

Go on, then.

This tea tastes funny.

I'm not surprised.

Before you stirred the tea with that pencil, he had it in his mouth.

There might not be an antidote for it.

You're sure he had this in his mouth? Of course not. Look, you can see his teeth

marks on the end of the pencil.

No wonder they call him Dracula.

Oh! Oh, God!

What's happened to him?

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Hello, Blackie. What's up?

He slipped on the chips.

He's broken his stomach. Yeah, yeah, look.

Ow!

He don't look too good to me. Never did.

Get a first aid book, mate. Yeah, all right.

What do you want? Ow!

What's it say?

False.

Untold damage can be done by moving an injured person.

Don't attempt to change the position of the victim until the nature of the

injury is known.

Otherwise... Otherwise what?

Don't know. Next page being torn out.

I'll see if I can find me any damages done there.

It's my leg. I know it's your leg, Blakey. Hang on a minute, mate. I think.

it hurt there? No.

How about this?

That's it. That's his knee. Watch it.

Have you got any cold water?

Where the hell am I going to get cold water from?

Oh, it's all right. My tea's stone cold. We'll use that.

You've got to put that all over me. Go out a bit, McCall. It's canteen tea.

Kills all known germs.

How am I going to get it up his leg, then? Well, shove it up his trousers.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. No, wait a minute.

He's too tall. I can't get it up there.

I've got an idea. Hang on.

Open your coat a minute, Flakey.

Now, look here. If I can't shove it down and I can't shove it up, how am I going

to get it on there?

How do you feel about swallowing it?

Ow!

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll roll his trousers leg up as far as I can get

it. Oh.

Oh, Ian.

Ian, look at that. He's got a nasty gash on his leg, hasn't he? Get some

plaster, Jack.

Yeah. Hang on. Take that stuff off for me. I'll just get the bits off. Ow.

I never could do that, probably.

Yeah, just like brenja, it always goes the wrong side up, doesn't it? Yeah,

never mind. You can't use that now. It's not sterile.

You're talking about this bus with scrub this morning.

Right. Take it off.

Take it off.

Take it off.

I'll just put it on. Well, take it off again.

All right, then.

Ow!

I hate you, brother.

I hate you. I hate you.

I'll tell

you

what, Blakey. Have a fag. Take your mind off it.

off the bus, get two distinct rings on the bell. You stick to the regulations.

Yeah, stick to the regulations.

Do all right, I will.

If you're going to smoke, you'll have to go upstairs.

There you go, Blake.

All right. Let me get down.

That's it. Come on, Sunny.

Are you all right? Come on, Blake. I'm going to get you out of the first aid

room, mate.

Oh, he slipped on the chips.

Oh, you poor thing. Yeah, no, he's had his chips.

I've got my first aid bench. Oh, thank God. It's something with a fillet. Sit

down on the bench, love. You know what, Maya? Go on.

Let me see.

Oh!

How nasty.

Oh, yeah, it's swollen.

Let's nap on it, see if it helps.

God, blimey, what a waste, eh?

How does that feel?

Me knee hurts a little bit, I know this.

Better find out if it's swelling up. It is swelling up.

Oh, blimey, mate, I've taken her out sometimes. She's never done that to me.

That's probably because you was trying to do it to her.

Stand up, love.

I'll support your leg to keep the weight off your hand. No,

you won't. You go on.

If you put your hand in the wrong place, it could lead to trouble.

I'll bet it's not the first time a bird's said that to you.

You go on, Rosie.

Oh, blimey. Look at that. Isn't it marvellous, eh? And he's only got a

I'd strain myself for those two any day.

Let's have a cup of tea, mate. Come on.

I heard this noise, see?

And he slipped on the chair.

And he got his leg twisted right under him.

I've never laughed in my... Since I've interrupted himself.

Well, it could have been very serious.

It could have ruined him for life.

It did.

I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Well, look, mate, what was I supposed to do?

It's elementary, mate. You keep the patient warm.

You let him look round to see if he's all right for treating for shock.

Oh, come off it. All right?

Supposedly he hadn't had shock.

If he saw you were treating him, he soon would have, wouldn't he?

Not like you want a public servant driving a bus. It's up to you to know

cope with sprains and fractures. Yes, I'm Burns.

Burns? Yes.

What were you about Burns for?

Well, it can happen very easily.

Only yesterday I upset a saucepan full of sprouts.

But we don't give saucepans the sprouts on the bus, do we?

No, mate, but you do carry vast quantities of inflammable fuel.

Well, as it so happens, Mr Cleverbunch, I do know how to treat Burns. Oh?

Yeah. You put marge on them.

What a lot of rot you do, George.

No, Arthur, he's perfectly right.

I always put marge on their burns when they was little.

Here, do you remember the time Ollie sat on the poker?

Yeah.

I massaged their little bottom with marge.

Little bottom, that strains the imagination.

Anyway... That marge took the burn right out.

Oh, no, it didn't. I've still got a scar.

I've never seen it.

You've only been married nine years, haven't you?

Well, as I got older, the skin stretched and it moved and it came round to my

stomach. Must have made a very long journey.

Arthur.

I'll show it to you tonight, Arthur.

You do that, lovely, and I'll treat him for shots.

Old Hitler may never walk again with a bit of luck. Oh, poor love.

See you, doll. Ta -ra.

Morning, Jack.

Nice morning this morning.

It's not, you know, look.

Dracula walks again.

He should have put more nails in his coffin.

Get that bag out, come on.

Blakey, how's the knee then?

Doctor says I've, er...

strained a ligament in it. Yeah, well, you can easily do that, you know, when

you've got your leg twisted under you like you had it.

I didn't do it when I had it twisted under me. I did it when you straightened

out.

Get out of my... I've got an official notice here from the office. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It concerns you, too.

Read it, Jack. What's it say?

What's it say?

It has come to the notice of the management that some busmen have not

first aid manual.

All bus crews will therefore be tested on their first aid knowledge as and when

notified.

Where will that be?

If we used to, tomorrow morning.

Who's going to test us then?

I am.

You? What do you know about the subject?

I've been a victim, haven't I?

That's what I know about it.

And anyone who don't pass a test is going to be delegated to other filthy

i .e. cleaning or maintenance.

Ah, Blakely, look, I've got a date with a bird tonight.

So? Well, I mean, I won't have time to study the first day, will I?

That's all right. You can always practice that bit about stretching them

loosening their clothing.

Now, what I meant, Blakey, listen. Look, if I haven't got time to study the

manual, do I get extra time?

Oh, yes, yes. You can have all the time in the world, Blake. Oh, good, yeah.

Because if you're not ready to take the test tomorrow morning, you're going to

be suspended.

Upsets me to see him like that, Jack. That's all right. He's only strained his

leg. That's what upsets me.

He should have broken his flaming neck.

Suspective fracture.

Place casualty in comfort position with injured part well supported.

Don't give the patient anything to eat or drink because they may shortly be

having an anaesthetic.

If the patient... Ah, I'll never learn it on my own.

Plum, he goes to bed to die, this fella.

What do you want?

It's gone midnight.

I've got to learn my first name by tomorrow morning. I'll never do it. Give

hand, will you?

Well, that is your fault, mate. You should have studied it earlier. I

you were out wasting your time on some bird.

You are dead right. She was a complete loss.

Well, I'm very sorry, but I'm going back to bed to get some shut -eye. Oh,

Arthur, there you are.

I've had my glass. You coming to bed?

Aye.

How long are you going to be?

About half an hour.

But I've used that new soap and scented bath oil.

I've had a glamour bath.

Have you really?

You didn't stay in long enough.

That was a wound.

Look, it's made me skin all soft and smooth.

Yeah, it's brought out the exotic radiance of your tulip lanes, hasn't it?

Right, let's get on with it then.

Yeah. Where did it get up to?

Page two, the bit about... Actors, yeah.

Right.

How do you make a sling?

A sling? Yes, a sling. They're bound to ask you that.

Well, blimey, I've got nothing to make one with, have I?

Well, you just have to improvise, won't you? They must... Here, give us those

tarts.

There we are.

Oh, Arthur, that's not right. You're wearing my tarts around your neck like

that. Well, it's all right, love, as long as you're not in them.

Yeah, this is a smashing idea of yours, Harper. I mean, if we happen to have a

casualty on the bus, you see, I nip up at the nearest bird, whip my tights off

and say it's an emergency.

Do you mind stop drooling and get on with it?

It says here the ant shall be pointed up to the shoulder.

Oh, that.

Will you stop messing about?

I wasn't messing about. I won't help.

Oh, let's get on with the next thing.

Emeritus and bleeding.

to save someone's life, what do you do?

Come on, come on.

Put a sticking plaster on it.

Sticking plaster's not going to help my cut artery, is it, mate?

You've got to put pressure on the pressure points. You've got to learn

they are. You want to practice on someone?

But I ain't got nobody to practice on, have I?

Olive, lie on the bed.

Don't get excited, love. Just practice being a patient.

Then tell me where you'd press to stop the blood gushing out of her foot, say.

There. There?

No.

There?

There. My good man, higher up.

You're a rough one, you do it.

All right, I will show you. You press very firmly.

There. Oh, Arthur.

You press firmly.

Now. No, you don't. You press down.

While you're pressing down, that's squirting out all over the place,

Stop, gush.

Oh, Arthur, please, I feel all funny.

Mate,

I mean, you know how squeamish he is about things like that. All your talk

gushing here and gushing everywhere.

Well, it does, mate.

Look, the human body contains ten pints of blood.

While you're carrying on, she'll be down to her last spoonful.

gushing here and gushing there. You can't lose all that mountain, but it

all come out. Oh, yes, it can.

All right. What about the guillotine, then? Well?

When they chopped a bloke's head off, the lad came gushing up through a big

in his neck.

I mean, yeah.

It's like a great big pump.

If it gave an extra pump, the executioner got another eyeful, I

There's no need to be persistent.

Oh, I'll be a lot older.

Well, I mean, she's faded.

But you're doing first aid. What do you do?

Got up in that bit, yes.

Well, I can tell you what, mate. The first thing you don't do is panic.

It is quite simple.

You just put the head down in between the knees.

What's that do?

Let's the blood come back to you.

Well, I'll be off about the blood again. Will you turn it in?

Yeah, I can't get it down. Why not?

Her stomach's in the way.

Well, if you can't get her head to her knees, let's get her knees to her head

then. Come out of it.

How's that?

Oh, don't be so stupid.

You've got to get it down.

You see, that was the shock of the head, the blood coming back to the head that

brought her round. Yeah, it's a shock of you kissing her that brought her round,

mate.

Right -o, son, John, let's get you back to bed. Come on.

Oh, oh, oh, blimey, I thought I'd gone all dizzy.

Oh, no, she's fainted again.

Well, pick her up and put her on the bed. You must be joking. She weighs half

ton. Give us an hand. Pick her up and put her on the bed and I'll look up

rupture for you.

Dizzy, dizzy spells, dizzy spells.

Dizzy spells.

Blimey says I'm on the turn.

Well, Blaggy, we passed the test.

I bet that pleased you. Oh, yeah. Set me right back, that did, yeah.

Just as my leg was getting better and all.

I tell you what, you were very lucky that it was Inspector Gardner who tested

you, though, I tell you that much.

What was that?

I'd have fouled you for a certainty.

I see you've got a nice new little box there.

Yeah, yeah. I see you keep that tiddly tidy this time. Yeah, tiddly tidy.

All this first aid's a load of rubbish, really. I mean, with me driving, when do

we ever have an accident?

You tell me, when was the last time we had an accident?

I see you had one yesterday.

Eh? You came in on time.

Get that fuss out, come on.

Well, don't you worry. From now on, Blakey, we can cure broken arms, broken

legs, dislocated shoulders, crushed ribs, even a broken neck. Yeah.

I'd like to see you do that, mate. Would you?

Stand in front of that bus and I'll give you the lot.

the bell for? Well, you did better at first, later me, didn't you? Yeah, but

what's that got to do with it? Know anything about babies? Well, a little

What's wrong with it?

I don't know. It's not born yet.

What? There's a woman upstairs just about to have it.

I'll run it to the hospital. No, no, no, there's no time for that, mate. I just

sent that kid for the ambulance.

You'd better get up there, see what he can do. Give her a hand.

She's paid her fare.

Well, give her an honest until I get off.

She is about to have it upstairs any minute now.

But she can't.

Is anybody up there with her? Yeah, there's some time with her. Then go for

Oh, here she is now.

I think I can cope with this. I happen to be a nurse. Have you got a first aid

box? Oh, yeah. Quick, quick, quick. Get it, get it, get it.

Have a look. Yeah,

I think so. Yeah, a pair of tweezers.

I should deliver the woman's baby.

Pluck her eyebrows.

This is all your fault.

My fault? Why?

You went too fast down Green Lane over that humpback bridge.

I've had enough on the roof. God knows what's happened to the babies.

I really do. I shall have to have some help. One of you will have to come up.

Yeah, well, my mate's very good at first aid.

I'm just a driver. I'm only a driver. Driver? Good.

You'll have a good firm grip. Come on.

50 charge you are.

Come, David. Watch your assistants.

Come on.

Go on. I'll keep an eye on them for the evidence.

It's not fair. I mean, I only just passed my first aid this morning.

David, come along.

Go on.

You've got good strong hands.

How about feeling them round your throat, eh?

How was it? You all right?

It's the most marvellous experience I've ever had in my life.