Original subtitles

On the bus is number 4, part 1, production number 0279, take 1.

Good afternoon,

Mrs. Butler. Good afternoon, Inspector.

Can you tell me, is my stand driving the number 11 that's due in now?

Undoubtedly, Mrs. Butler.

That's the one that's ten minutes late.

Oh, yes, it would be, because the 345 from Tilbury's Hall was a bit late.

The number 11 bus, madam, it doesn't go to Tilbury. It goes to the 70 gates and

back. I know, but Stan's waiting in the station to meet his auntie Maud.

What?

Yes, she's come to stay with us, and Stan said he'd meet her at the station

her train wasn't more than half an hour late.

Did he?

I'll make a note of that.

Oh, he's very obliged, you might say.

Yes. I'll see the general manager gets to hear about that.

Oh, you're very kind.

Not all inspectors are like that, my Stan says.

No, no, there's one they call Hitler.

Stan says he's a real bastard.

Is that the one that's coming in now?

Yes, that's the one.

They'll back in here and back right up there.

Why do they always back in?

Saves them backing out.

Hello, Auntie.

Yeah, of course I did. Hang on, I'll open the doors. Oh, thanks, love.

Hello, Ma.

Hello, my boy.

How are you, love? Oh, I've had a shocking journey.

Hello, Auntie.

Hello, love.

Have you said you'd like to stand?

No, not yet. Come here, love.

Have you given your aunt a kiss yet? No, not yet, Mum. I was just... Butler!

I'd like a word with you, if I may. Come on, give me a kiss.

This is my nephew.

I used to bath him.

There was a time I've had him on me knee and smothered his little bottom with

powder.

Fascinating, I'm sure.

Has he still got that little birthmark on his little body? I should ask the

Clippers about that if I were you.

Beg your pardon, Mrs. Butler. No offence intended, I'm sure. Well, have you got

everything, Maud? Yes. Oh, Marcus.

Marcus. Who's Marcus?

My doggie? Did not anyone got a little pet?

No, you didn't.

He's found nervous riding on the bus.

Marcus, Marcus, come on to mummy, come on.

He won't come off. Oh, Ollie, go and see if you can get him off. She's ever so

good with little doggies. Yes, come on, Marcus.

Yes, that's right. Come on, love. Let's see.

let that creature on the bus?

Where's your conductor?

Well, he was on when we left the depot.

I am not coming down till that animal's under control.

That'd be daft. He won't hurt you. There's nothing wrong with him.

Well, my darling, he's all right.

Control it.

Friend.

It's all right for you, mate. You're sitting up front.

I shall have to make a note of this.

Where's your way, Bill? Here.

The rest of it's inside him.

you doing the play with, did you? Play with?

Look what he's done to me pouch.

First me way, Bill, then me pouch. He was getting too close for comfort, so I

went upstairs.

You shouldn't have let him on the bus in the first place.

He didn't let him on. He got on.

Oh, you never said you had a vicious pet like this. You should have said.

He's only a little pet. He's not like this normally.

He upset him.

He wouldn't let him get on the seat.

Because at the time... there happened to be two people sitting on it.

He went for me, tried to bite me, and I only smiled at him.

I'm not surprised with your choppers, mate.

He thought he was going to bite him.

Come on, get that creature off the bus, come on. There's no time to waste now.

Come on, Ollie, get him off, get him off.

Come on, come on.

Oh, don't be silly.

Robbie nearly dragged me in the side.

Yeah, he's probably feeling angry again.

Come on.

Oh, he won't come any further.

It's no use using brute force to get him off the bus. Use a bit of logic for

Gautier. Give him something to get off for.

A tomcat to get him off.

You sound as though you've been doctored.

Isn't it marvellous? Any minute now, he'll be down on all fours, digging

That won't get him off. He's afraid of cats.

I know what's wrong.

It's afraid of him.

Afraid of me?

Oh, no, no, not the inspector. Yes, he was once kicked by a man with a little

black baton, just like he's got, so he thinks this man's cruel and nasty.

Very clever dog.

Now, sir, perhaps if you went and ate, He might get off.

Will he, Ned?

Yes.

Imposterous.

However, if the dog's as daft as all that, I suppose I'd better go and hide.

Oh, there's a minute the inspector's gone.

He's all right.

See you later, Mum, yeah.

That is my honour, isn't it? The minute the inspector goes, everybody's all

right. Get it on, you idiots. What are you doing up there?

It's a good job I had that bit of liver in the cupboard.

I don't know what I... I give Marcus.

Oh, you know, he's too big a dog to have in the house. Olive, love, go and take

him outside. There's a good girl. Oh, I'll put him in the hall. Yes, go and

stay. Come on, Marcus. Yeah, put him in the hall. That's right, love.

Come on. Oh, what a size.

Here, where's her husband tonight? He's very late.

Well, he always is on a Friday night, hasn't he? Doesn't get it? What, past

Oh, I think it's terrible them working him so late.

No, not really.

Eh? Well, if Arthur had been here, the dog wouldn't have had his liver.

Oh,

there's your husband now, Olive.

She did.

Well, she might have turned the light on.

I opened the front door. He put his paws right up in me shoulder, started

licking me face. I thought his olive compass hurt.

You really think it was me?

Come and give us a kiss. Oh, thank you. I've had enough of the dog.

Whose is it?

Aunt Maud's. Aunt Maud?

Oh, she's arrived, has she? Where is she?

Upstairs unpacking. Oh.

Here, that smells good. My liver, is it? I'll have that now.

You've had it.

Anyway, you've had it because the dog's had it.

You give my liver to that dog?

Well, we had to give it something, love.

Olive, go in the kitchen and get some cheese and pickled onions.

Yes, all right.

Charming, isn't it? I was looking forward to that liver. Never even got a

of it. Your mustard dog wouldn't have jumped up and bit you.

What did that aunt of yours want to bring that great big fruit here for

She must be out of her mind, that stupid old bag.

Olive!

Maud, how nice to see you.

Oh, they've come down with me, Bopple. It's in the kitchen now.

Give us a kiss. Aye.

Mwah. Mwah.

Blimey, first the dog, now her. It's like a Roman orgy.

Here you are, sir. Cheese and pickled onions.

There's not much cheese you'll have to fill up with pickled onions. You bring

them in for me or yourself.

I haven't seen you since the day you and Olive got married.

It doesn't seem like nine years.

It does to me, mate.

Mind you, Ollie's put on a bit round the middle.

I didn't notice it when you got your coat on.

Of course, they have been married long enough, haven't they?

Is she, you know? No, she is not.

She's just greedy.

Hasn't done no good.

That has got nothing to do with it.

Perhaps you should have another operation.

You don't shut up, mate. You'll need one.

Funny Stan hasn't got married, isn't it?

Eh? Isn't he corpy? Oh, I don't know. He goes out with Jack most nights. He's a

conductor.

Oh?

I hope he's not going to turn out like Uncle Herbert.

Oh, Maud, shut up. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

What is it about Uncle Herbert? Why shouldn't I turn out like Uncle Herbert?

It's something we don't talk about, love. Come on, come on, I want to know.

Well, it's just that he was... But

it's all right now, because it's legal.

I mean, what a family I'm married into.

Good job we haven't got any children.

Don't they? They'd be like me.

Well, that's a great comfort, isn't it?

Why don't you all go to bed?

We'll be all right in Stan's room, love. Oh, yes.

It's never so nice for Stan to give his room up for me.

I thought that Marcus could sleep outside in the shed.

Go and get him, Ollie. He can't.

He'll catch his breath.

He's ever so delicate.

I noticed that the way he dragged me on the bus.

Marcus is used to bedding down on the sofa. Otherwise, he'd be yelling all

long. No.

You'd have to go in the front room.

I'm sleeping on the sofa in the front room.

Well, I'm sure you'll both be very happy.

I've felt that.

Marcus will have to go on the sofa, otherwise we'll all be up all night.

we love having you here, but I'm sorry... Mum,

I'm not having any... Olive, come in with me.

Dan, sleep with Arthur.

I have not slept with him and Anthony.

I'm not particularly about sleeping with you, mate.

And the way you're noshing back them pitwood onions, boy, I'd rather sleep

a dog anyway.

Don't be childish. Come on, come on. I want to get some sleep. Get over to the

other side.

I've warmed that side now.

Thank you very much. I do not require your heat.

Blimey, you're all right, aren't you?

Oh, Phil, look, I'm sleeping in a hole.

Yeah, that's where Olive sleeps.

If you want to get this mattress fixed, I'll be honest with you, don't get stuck

in it.

Oh, thank you very much. I don't want to roll in over my side.

Uncomfortable, I know that.

It's no good, mate. I can't sleep that side.

Oh, blimey. Look, mate, I am sleeping here. I have slept this side for nine

years and Olive's has slept that side for nine years. So there.

Sounds like the Berlin Wall.

I suppose you do meet at times for Checkpoint Charlie.

You can either sleep there or find somewhere else to sleep.

Ow! Ow!

What have you got at the bottom of this bed? Like a ruddy mousetrap or

something?

anything down there, mate. I don't think Ollie's ever made her bed.

She just pulls her bedclothes up.

be right side what no so i'll never get to sleep looking at your clock will i

bloody stupid you won't see me in the dark will you blimey i'll smell you know

you're breathing pickled onions all over me go on face the other way all

right then we're not if i always sleep facing a door anyway

I'm not sharp enough.

I'll stick my socks on if you like. I thought your weight did.

Ah, shut up. Waste of no scissors.

I expect to hit the bottom of the bed with a load of rubber rubbish.

God blimey, your breath, mate.

I'm not having my toenails cut unless you suck a peppermint.

I can't find a nail scissors anywhere. You just keep your feet out of the way.

That's all right.

Let's have some sleep. Oh, no.

Yes!

George, put that stuff on your face.

Yeah, it's supposed to make me look prettier.

It does. You should use it more often.

Why do you let Stan say things like that to me?

Because I never think of them first.

Oh, there they are. How did they get under the bed?

I don't know, mate. You must have pushed them out the bottom. If you made the

bed a bit more often, you'd find loads of things down here.

Now, come on, let's get to sleep, for goodness sake.

Don't I like that?

Hey.

What? Don't I like that? You put it out. You got him lost.

Oh, don't be stupid. The light is your side. Olive always switches it off.

get Olive in to put it out then.

Always go to bed with all that muck on your face and them curlers in your hair?

Yeah. What, in front of Arthur?

Yeah, why?

Blimey, no wonder I'm not a grandmother.

Oh, Arthur doesn't mind.

Oh, I forgot to kiss him goodnight.

Oh, don't go to him, love. Let him come to you.

Men only like what they have to put themselves out for.

Turn over.

You're snoring. Turn over.

it since the silencer fell off me bus.

You should hear you, mate. You go... Don't ruddy when exaggerating. That's

ruddy exaggerating, mate.

And then it's... Your head's all over me, mate.

Get in bed with some clothes. Oh, and turn over...

If you don't want to lump it, find someone else to sleep. I will. I'm going

have a kip in the kitchen. All right, good.

I will.

I'm fed up with it.

And don't tell me you've never seen a bed with anyone who's snored.

and it's ruddy cold down here. If I know him, he'll be up in a minute.

Oh, well, I've got this ache in me, Nick. I want you to rub it with me mint

-green ointment. I left the box here somewhere.

God,

blimey, even the fire's going out.

It's freezing cold down here.

I suppose I'll have to put up with him. I can't stand this.

Will you rub it in?

No!

Oh, come on, Arthur. I shan't be able to sleep unless you do.

No, I'm teaching.

Oh, come on.

Blimey, she didn't waste much time.

Once a year, and it has to be tonight.

Hello, darling.

Come on, then. Stay out of it.

Got another turn to do.

Yeah, I know that.

Oh, damn it. Mate, I've got a stiff neck.

God, I was up all night, freezing cold in that flipping chair in the kitchen.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Here, give me that rub, will you, mate? All right.

Oh, it's lovely.

God, you've got lovely strong fingers, Jack. Yeah, can't seem to count in the

coppers.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

more, more, more. That's lovely, lovely, lovely.

God,

thank God Art Moore's going today, I tell you that. I couldn't stay another

night out of my bed, you know.

How are they getting to the station? By cab.

Oh, I told them. Never get the dog on the bus. Sure, right, mate.

I think you two have been working together a bit too long, don't you?

What's the matter? You want a bit?

Well, you must admit it does look a bit peculiar, doesn't it?

Look, mate, I might be doing it to him, but I'm thinking of her.

Can't we ever let our minds rise to higher things?

Come on.

Get on that bus and get it out. Come on. Try and get it out on time this time.

All right, all right. Keep your voice down.

That's great, that is, Jack.

I must admit, that's done a lot of good to my neck.

Yeah, I know. I done it to her once, you know.

On the social. Yeah.

What happened? Her husband hit me.

What's that?

Wait for me, love, wait.

Has she gone?

Has she gone?

Look at her.

Oh, darling, come on. Watch out.

Didn't the cab come then? Oh, yeah.

Terrible. He said we should have ordered an horse box.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Well, Aunt Maud will have to go to the station on the bus.

Not with that animal.

It wouldn't be our... Well, Mum, if the expectancies get the dog, we get our

cards. Well, how's she going to get to the station? It's three miles.

Oh, put a saddle on the dog and ride it, then.

She can't do it. She's going to miss her train.

Well, let her get another cab and catch another train.

Oh, but she can't. There's only one through train a day.

Oh, well, there's only one thing for it, love.

You'll have to stay another night. What?

I've got your bed closed all night long. Mum, mum, forget it, forget it. Get on

the bus, get on the bus.

It's all right for you, mate.

Sitting up there out of harm's way, I am not having that dog nibbling at my

pouch. I am not having it. I am not having it.

That's final. That's final.

Only leaves one thing for me to do then, doesn't it?