Original subtitles

On the Buses, Self -Defence, production number 0278, date recorded 29th 5th 69,

part 1, take 1.

What do you want me to wait here all night, do you?

You were due back to 10 .37.

I've got a loan to go to, you know.

Listen, mate, don't you start.

Blimey, I've had a bellyful, mate. I'm not joking.

Every Saturday night it's the same, isn't it?

Football crowd and pub night. Yes, yes. We know all about your moaning, butler.

We all have to put up with these Saturday night lads, you know.

What are you talking about? You have to put up with what? You stay here safe

while we battle our way back home again.

Another thing, we don't want any more of these posters on these buses late at

night. You see? It's that bikini bit that gets the hooligans going.

What do they want to do the nights of that for, for God's sake?

They wanted to see what was underneath, didn't they?

But why didn't you get out and stop them then? I did.

That's when I copped this lot.

What, they tried to find out what you had on underneath the day?

Tried to de -proc, yeah?

You're in a very exposed position when you're getting out of that cab, mate.

Very vulnerable.

Here you are. Look at that.

Yeah, we'll put in a claim for it then. Right.

Hey.

What? Where's your windscreen wiper gone? They nicked it.

Good God in heaven.

Whatever did they intend to do with that?

Well, look at me pocket and I'll give you three guesses.

Oh, I'll have to make out a report about this now, I think.

What's up with you, then? Oh, blimey.

What a journey.

That's the worst yet.

All your stuff's on the ticket up there, for God's sake.

What's all that, then?

I didn't stuff them up there. One of the passengers did it when I had the nerve

to ask for his fare.

It's a good job me ticket machine was fastened round me neck or he'd have

stuffed that up there as well.

You should have given him a good punch on the nose, mate.

I couldn't because he was sharpening his razor on me strap.

I'm not kidding.

It was a runny awful night.

Look what they wrote on the bus.

Queen's Park Rangers are a lot of...

Not a what?

You had the words on the back of the bus.

That's absolutely disgusting.

I'd better get that washed off before the clippers see it. You're too late,

mate. Here they come. Look.

I'm sorry about that, love. It's just written here by some ignorant lout.

you're right, mate. And they don't even know how to spell it.

A couple of little bits there, nice thing. Oi, oi, oi.

Come back, you two. What?

I've got to make out a report about this.

Yeah. It's better to get that washed off right away.

Don't worry about washing that off, mate, I tell you. You want to wash that

What's that?

It's only a hand, isn't it? Yeah, you haven't seen what's attached to it.

Go on, this way.

It's a naked woman.

You've got an amazing memory.

Open that door, quick.

I wish we could fold our women up like that and put them away.

Well, this is absolutely disgusting.

There must have been a violent night you had on here. You must be joking, mate.

I tell you what, we need protection. This is quite right.

We're not taking any more buses out after nine o 'clock on a Saturday night,

we, Jack? No. You've been briefed what to do. The slightest sign of trouble, go

to the nearest telephone box and get the police.

I didn't have to, mate. They got it for me.

I'm afraid you'll have to stay and make out a full report with me.

Oh, blimey, that'll take hours.

I'm supposed to pick up the fish and chips. They're waiting for them at home.

That's all right, mate. That's your pitching.

Anyway, you had trouble on the bus, right?

Yeah.

What you needed was a show of authority on that bus, mate.

You needed me on that bus. Oh, blimey. I must say one thing.

We might get a load of scum on a Saturday night, but we never get any

inspectors.

Oh, here he is at last.

About time, too. I'm famished.

Oh,

Tan, you're an hour late. Are you all right, love?

Yeah, of course I am. Well, where the devil have you been, then? We've been

worried to death, haven't we, Arthur?

Not particularly.

Dad, where are the fish and chips?

I couldn't get them. I was too late.

You? Why?

Because I had a punch up with some ooligans, that's why.

There you are. I told you something would happen when he didn't come in with

supper. We were worried to death.

Yeah, didn't know whether to phone the police or open a tin of corned beef.

Thank you very much.

They were a load of hooligans.

A rough mob, I'm telling you. Oh, God, give me that. You've been delayed

mucking around with them Clippies again.

Clippies? Look at this, mate.

They're scratches, boy. I'll tell you something.

You never know your luck.

It's terrible. Look at his trousers. Yeah, what are we going to eat?

They're all torn, his trousers, at the back.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you something.

They should put real men on those last fatties.

I mean, there's only one way to deal with a mob, mate, and that is to face

I did.

Judging by the tear in your trousers, we can all tell which way you were facing

them.

No, you want an umbrella, love. You can do no danger with an umbrella.

Mum always used to make me carry one so as I could defend my honour.

Did she ever use it? Only when it rained.

Well, I tell you something, something's got to be done.

Do you know what, Mum?

One bloke got hold of my head and he bashed it up against the bus.

Well, I can tell you something, mate. He certainly wouldn't have done that to

me. He couldn't. You've got nothing there to grab hold of.

I'm here to tell you that going thin on top is a sign of my all -favorability.

Not always.

Yeah, but you do need certain other requirements.

Well, I think it's dreadful. My dad might have been hurt.

Thanks, Mum. You were right.

Well, they've got to do something.

Yeah. They can't live on your sick pay.

Living out of hooligans.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of violence about nowadays. Well, if you ask me...

It's the pill that's causing it.

What a lot of rot you two talk.

Blimey, Mum, that's dark.

Well, now, if it wasn't for the pill, half these lights would be at home

changing nappies.

Well, I still think your bus company should do something about it. What,

the pill?

No, about the pill.

I mean, we can't have this every Saturday night, never knowing whether or

we're going to get our fish and chips.

Don't you worry, Arthur. The union's taking it up. They're doing something

it, mate. I'm telling you.

That's the joke. Your union can't even protect you from the government.

Well, if they don't, we'll all come out on unofficial strike.

Oh, Stan, you can't do that. Why? Well, Barbara Carson might come along and take

our furniture away.

What a charming family, aren't they? Well, I expect something to be done

it. Well, I'm sorry, love.

It's corned beef and cocoa.

Go on, love, have a good time.

Oh, let's forget the corned beef. Let's just have some cocoa.

No food?

Oh, Arthur, I shall need Tommy to put me to sleep.

Aye.

Well, perhaps you're right.

Better open a corned beef for me.

On second thought, you'll get the tea, mate.

Hello, darling. So I see you've kept us a couple of seats, eh?

How's it going in love, all right? Oh, do you know yet? We've got two weeks

training before they pass us out.

I'll tell you what, one night out with us and you'll get your diploma in half

hour. Mind you, you could lose your good conduct medal.

Oh, no, I won't, mate. I'll keep it under lock and key.

How about us four going out tonight, then, eh? Oh, well, I don't know.

We'll have to think it over.

Come on, Joyce, let's get some sun.

Oh, God.

Blimey, mate. I reckon we're flogging the dead horse there, Jack.

Don't be ridiculous. That blonde bitch is crazy about me. She doesn't know it

yet, that's all.

Out of the way.

Pay attention now.

Official notice here from the office. Hang on. The Führer talks.

Oi, Blakey.

What's the management done about this hooliganism thing on the Saturday night,

you know?

It's all up there on the notice, mate.

The management, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that in view of the

attacks on the private person of the busman...

They're going to be trained to defend themselves.

Yeah, let's have a look at that. Yeah, what do you say, Jack?

Here, listen to this, fellas.

All those wishing to avail themselves of a series of lessons in judo and karate

should sign below.

These will be given by a qualified expert.

Who's that?

That's me.

You?

You?

It just so happens, mate, I've made a deep study of the subject.

I train men in the army in unarmed combat.

Well, it would leave me out, mate, because I don't believe in violence.

Since when?

Since last Saturday night when that lad kicked me up the gearbox.

My motto is make love, not war.

Well, I tell you, it won't get me rolled in about on our floor, break me in the

neck. That's all right, mate. We're going to have a nice soft mattress down

here. That's all right. You won't get none of the less to sign that, you know.

That's a typical managerial trick, isn't it? Here we are. Let's have a cup of

tea, Jack. Come on.

Here. Hey, those two birds are signing it.

Yeah, well, I think I'll shove me moniker down and all.

I wouldn't mind rolling about on a mattress with them two.

Ain't rolling about in a Boston Crab.

No.

Well, come on in. It's half past five.

Where's the fighting inspector, the wizard of self -defence? He's late.

Probably got done up on his way here.

Well, give us a bit more time to chat up the birds, eh? Look,

it's got to be thirsty work, all this self -defence lot, so what about coming

out for a drink after this?

Well, I mean, we don't know much about you two, do we? Oh, come off it. Stan's

the best bloke on the buses, ain't you? Yeah. He always stops when requested.

Just stick your hand up.

The only trouble is I can't see in the dark.

Well, what about it, then? Well, we'll think about it.

Oh, look, here comes the inspector.

Oh, that's us, too.

Get off that man.

Eh? Get off that man, come on. All right, all right.

Get off.

He's got his pyjamas on.

Come on. All get round here.

Nice big semi -circle round here, please.

Come on, sit down there. Sorry, love. Sit down there. I'll get out of the way.

All down on your ankles.

Nice and comfortable.

Now, pay attention now.

Now then.

The quickest way of teaching a self -defence is a method of karate known as

Atomai. What's that then?

That's Japanese, mate.

Get out of it. It's showing off now.

What do you mean? And how do you know?

Well, I did tell you I made a deep study of this subject, mate.

Where do you think I got that black belt from?

You cut the suspenders off, didn't you?

No, he's got those on underneath.

Now then.

Now, I've brought along a chart here to show you the more sensitive parts of the

human body.

Right?

I've got copies of it over there on the table. You can all take one of them when

you go and study them at your own convenience. Yeah, just a minute. Is

man or a woman?

What possible difference can that make?

Oh, blimey, you've led a sheltered life, haven't you?

Now, pay attention.

Now, I want you to imagine that this is one of them ignorant louts coming at you

on the late bus. Oh, that's daft. I mean, if he walked about like that, he'd

had up for indecent exposure.

Not that one, wouldn't he? He's got nothing to expose.

The basic theory of karate is that you apply the maximum pressure to any one of

these sensitive points, right?

The atomite.

And you do this with the edge of your hand, known as the shoe toe, otherwise

known as the trot, right?

That's all.

That's all. That's all. That's all.

It's no use at all going like this at all, like this, right?

Not unless you're swatting flies.

All get up and form a circle around the edge of the mat, will you?

We're going to have a little demonstration now.

Butler, you come over here, mate. Who, me?

What for? You're going to be the demonstration.

Oh. Right then. Yeah. Now, what I'm going to do is, I'm going to try and

chop with my shoot -o at your atomai. I'm going to try and find it, right?

Not if I find yours first.

Yeah. I'm going to give you a light chop now. Yeah. On your carteroid artery.

Yeah, yeah. That's number five on the chart over there, right? Right, right,

right. Oh!

Oh!

Now, you see, I was holding myself back then.

Otherwise, I might very easily kill my opponent.

Unless, of course... Unless, of course, the temptation proves too much.

Right. Now then.

You have a try, right? Yeah. Now, imagine... Imagine I'm one of them great

ignorant louts coming at you. Well, that's easy for a start.

Really? Make a chop at my head, to my ear, ear, all there, right? Sensory

Right.

For a minute.

That's because you're doing it all wrong, mate.

Can anyone tell me what he's doing wrong?

No.

He's giving himself away with his eyes, mate. I can tell what you're going to do

by your eyes. Yeah, and if they're bloodshot, he's done it.

Ah, shut up, Jack.

Just a minute.

What did you mean by me giving myself away with my eyes? Go on. Well, your

are looking straight at the place you're going to psych at every time.

Ah. Can we have another go, then? All right. Right. You ready, then?

Right.

That was cheating, mate.

You was looking in two places at the same time.

It's a little trick I've picked up snogging in the park.

Yes, well, there's various other methods of self -defence, but I'll get to them

presently. Now, in the meantime, I'd like to see what some of you others

do if you were attacked.

Oi, oi, where are you off to, then?

Do you have to put me hand up, mate?

I've drunk a lot of tea waiting for you, you know.

Yes, well...

We can't all wait till he comes back, can we?

Now, in the meantime, I'd like to see what some of you young ladies will do if

you were attacked. Anyone like to volunteer out of you?

Thank you very much, miss.

Very kind of you. Any fellow like to come and... Yes? Yeah, I'll force

That's the right one.

Yeah. Now, what I want you to do, miss, is try and seek out for one of his

sensitive points, right? Yeah, well, that shouldn't be too difficult.

Have a go over your shoe, then. Yeah, right.

I couldn't have done better than that myself.

That's not fair.

She's a karate expert.

I've never done karate in my life. I did do five years of judo. Only five years?

Blimey, you were a quick learner.

Fellas, I feel a lot better now. What's going on?

What's happening?

Well, er, this young lady here has been very kindly showing us what she'd do if

she was attacked.

Oh, yeah.

I, er, I don't suppose you'd like to come and try and attack her, would you?

Me?

Yeah. What's the matter?

Now, look, love, look, I don't want to hurt you, OK?

Oh, no, it's all right, it's all right. So, if I do, you start yelling. Yeah,

right, right.

I made a white man, right. Now, what I want you to do is make a grab for her,

right?

I'm going to join you.

I think we're all going to enjoy this.

Are you ready? I'm going to grab for you, love. I'll tell you how I'm going.

Here we go. Right.

Now,

this is a Japanese stranglehold.

Now, it's very potent.

Apart from the choking effect, it could very easily break his opponent's neck

with this. Now, miss, if he tries to hit or strike you in any way, a sharp

quickening of the pressure is sufficient to stop him. Oh, cool.

Permanently.

That was a my Gary kick.

My Gary Kiagri.

A sweeping ankle.

Very nicely done.

And that was a head mare.

A perfect head mare.

I have enjoyed that. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that. It was

lovely.

Alright then, we'll have a break for five minutes for tea now and we'll come

back and have another go afterwards, right?

Oh, blimey.

God, blimey, Jack. What happened there, mate? It's all right. You didn't hurt

her. Oh, good.

I've had enough of this, mate. I'm going out for a rest. I don't know about you.

You coming?

No, I still reckon we've got a chance with those birds.

You must be out of your mind, mate. We never take liberties with them. No, but

with a bit of luck, they might take liberties with us.

Oh, blimey, I haven't even got the strength for that, mate.

Here, don't forget your chart. What chart?

Oh, that chart, yeah.

I'll see you later on then, Jack.

Sit back here, Mum, look.

Oh, you have got a nasty bump there, love.

Oh, I'll put a cold compress on there. No, I wouldn't bother about it. No, I

will. I'll put it on. It'll be better. Oh!

Is it hurting?

No, the cobalt's run all down my face.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Evening, all.

Evening, Mark.

What's up with you?

You haven't had more woody eyes on your bus again?

No, we've been having a lesson in self -defense.

Self -defense?

You'd have been better off with a hurrican, as they only tore your

Nah, we had a lesson in karate.

Our inspector's a bit of an expert at it.

Look, Arthur, Stan brought home a chart on karate.

Did you know I had 18 sensitive points on my body?

God, so I've ever noticed.

Hello, I'm up there.

That's him, I thought. What a load of codswallop.

That's not codswallop, mate.

If you study that chart properly, blimey, you could kill people.

Yes, they made it easy. Like painting by numbers.

I see if some lout comes to you, give him a good punch up his number four.

If that don't work, you slash him in his number seven. And if that don't work,

you knee him up his number nine.

Eggs, eleven, chap, full house and bingo.

I really ought to study this chart.

What nerve for?

Well, you never know, Arthur. It might come in useful some night. Aye.

Well, I could defend myself if a man jumped out of the bushes at me on a dark

night. Had to be a pretty dark night.

That's not a very nice thing to say.

Stan, stick up for your sister.

Wouldn't have to be a dark night, would he? Not necessary.

Foggy one and do.

No, I was only joking, love, no.

Does this really work?

No, it's a load of twaddle.

It's not twaddle!

I'll show you, Ollie.

It's like what that bloke 007 done, you know, in the James Bond pictures, you

know. Now, you put your thumb in there like that because it makes it tougher,

it, there? See? That's called a shoot -o.

You see? Now you go... Let's go!

Oh, my!

What the hell are you doing, Mum? See? No, no!

That's what you're supposed to do. Put the wind up, you see.

Now, these are your vital spots here, see.

Now, don't look at me like that, Arthur. You're always scoffing, aren't you?

Come out here, love. Come out here.

Now, I'll show you what it is. Now, these are my two sensitive spots here,

see. Now, you attack me there. Now, now, be careful. She might hurt you. No, no,

no. The inspector taught me to parry all blows on how to stop anything.

Right, away you go. Go on.

Now, see what I mean? Yes,

she is. See what I mean, doesn't she?

Yes, she is.

No,

she's...

He's dead right, isn't he? He does work.

Oh.

Hello, Jack. Come for the tan?

Did you expect any?

No, I've fixed up a date for him.

We're on to a good thing. A couple of little ravers.

Come in, darling.

This is Stan's brother -in -law, Arthur.

Joyce, Liz.

Hello.

That's a dope.

They're very nice, aren't they?

I think you'll find a stand in the kitchen.

Yeah, all right. It shall be a minute, darlings.

I'll look after you.

Do you live round here, do you?

What are you doing sitting here with your feet up having a kiss?

Birds lined up. Come on, stop.

Oh, no!

Use your loaf, mate, will you? Look, look.

What have you done to yourself?

Oh, practising that judo. I fell awkwardly. I twisted my ankle and I

my shoulder.

Oh, is that all?

Now, come on. I've got the birds lined up. Joyce and Liz, they're outside.

Come on.

They're raring to go.

You mean you've got them in your own now, haven't you? Yeah. Oh, I've got to

have a go at that. I've got to try.

Look at that. Ah!

You'll find me... Oh, God almighty, no.

I can't do it, I can't do it. Oh, come on, make the effort.

Think of the birds.

Look, with me ankle like that and me shoulder like this, the rest of me's no

good anyway.

Hold on.

How's that, then?

I'll just have to try and find some other bloke who's got the evening free.

Oh. Well, uh... Since you mention it, I wonder if, uh... Oh, God!

What was that you were saying, Arthur?

Nothing, I was just having a dream.

Come in, sunshine.

Oh, well, better get going. I'll tell you all about it in the morning.

Oh, I think I'll take the chart, just in case she's forgotten where me sensitive

points are.