All language subtitles for On The Buses s01e05 The new inspector

Oh, well, let's shift up another couple
of hours, Jack. What are you doing here?

What's this up here, then?

Staff vacancy.

Applications invited for the post of
assistant inspector.

Oh, yeah? Good advertise for them now.

I thought they got them from the Chamber
of Horrors.

No, they just stick a wanting notice up
outside the police stations.

You can laugh. That's a responsible
position.

Two pound a week extra in status.

That's no good to me, mate. I'm shop
steward.

I don't want a job where I have to
report my mates to the management.

No, of course not, no.

You shouldn't report them to the trade
union.

This is a chance to better yourself.

I don't know what you're doing in this
job, mate. You're wasting your time.

You could have earned a fortune on the
films.

Oh, yeah.

Playing Dracula.

Oh, very droll.

No,

he's dead right.

I mean, before you become an inspector,
you have to have all your teeth taken

out and a couple of fangs put in
instead.

With your front choppers, mate, you
wouldn't have to bother.

You two blokes don't know a good
opportunity when you see one. I had to

years and years for the Chief Inspector
before me to retire. What, him?

Oh, bloody, he didn't retire.

He went to Russia to carry out Stalin's
purge.

Wrong again.

He went to Bognor to grow roses.

Here, Flakey, what are you going to do
when you retire?

Oh, he's got a job ready made for him.
He has for Undertaker.

That wouldn't be any good.

He'd report the earth for being two
minutes late.

It would be if you were driving it.

I don't suppose either of you two's want
your name put down for this, do you?

What, mate? God, you must be joking.

The only good thing about it is a couple
of quid extra that goes with it. Ah,

forget it. Yeah, you might as well.
Neither of you two's smart enough for

job. Look at the style of you, look.

Scruffy -looking pair.

Cool. I'd like to see either of you have
to come to work like me, wearing a

shirt with a starch collar.

The way he walks, they've stashed his
shirt and all.

See you in a couple of hours' time,
mate.

OK for a job, then.

Hello.

Hello, love.

Oh, thanks very much.

Caught you in it, eh?

Get your old papers, mate.

That's funny. How can a small one have
to fag up here on a mental piece this

morning? Yeah, you did. I'm smoking it.

I thought it was one of mine.

One of yours on a mental piece? You keep
yours in a bedroom in a little black

box underneath the floorboards. Oh, no,
no, no. No, no, no, no. I'll leave. Put

the kettle on and give your brother some
tea, love. Oh, wait a minute. Let me

clear my chest first.

Oh, blimey. Get me tea first, will you?
I've got to be back at the depot in a

couple of hours.

Oh.

Mum, why can't you get it?

because I've got to mend my coat first.
I can't go out like this, you know, all

the lining's torn, the M's gone all to
pieces, and there's an awful hole in the

pocket. Why don't you put your best one
on? This is my best one.

Well, why don't you get a new one?

Well, it's so expensive.

I saw a lovely one in Jones the other
day. It was 14 guineas hanging up in the

window. Well, of course, that was out of
the question.

Well, you got your clothes money in this
little box, didn't you? Yeah, I did,

but I used to use my coat money for the
gas bill.

Why? Because I had to use the gas money
to pay the electric.

Love, I'll never work that system out.
Here, Arthur.

Yes? Why don't you chip in a few quid
and get Mum a coat?

Yeah, well, of course I'd like to. I
mean, I know my duty as a son -in -law,

I have had one or two expenses lately.

I mean, it's not as if Olive's working.
She's always ill.

No, no, Mum, no. Now I come to think of
it, you must have a new coat.

I mean, it's not fair you're walking
about with that thing.

Now, leave it to me. I'll think of
something. Well, I don't know. If I'm

to have a new coat, I'll have to do the
same as Rusty.

Grow it myself.

Won't I, love?

You still fancy yourself as an
inspector, do you? Yeah.

Do you think I'll get the job then? Oh,
abductorily, yes, yes.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say you're
bound to get it.

Oh, yeah?

What makes you think I'll get the job
then?

Well, you're the only one who's applied
for it.

Take the notice down, shall I? Yeah.

Mind you, if it wasn't for the diabolic
or short itch, you would never have

stood a chance.

Why not?

Well, there are certain physical
requirements, you know.

Blimey, I'm only asking to be an
inspector, not to be put out to stud.

Yes, but there's a certain minimum
height.

What do you go?

Five foot nine.

With me hat on, of course.

Yes, well, I'll have a word with the
staff again.

Hi, Sam, mate.

Oh, they've taken a notice down.

Somebody must have applied for the job.

I wonder who that was.

Well, it's a matter of fact. I wouldn't
like to be in his shoes, would you?

No, no.

Ah, inspectors. Of course, you're a
driver.

You don't know what us conductors can do
to them perishes.

Make their lives a hell of an honour.
Yes, well, I've had a word with the

manager. I'll talk to them later. No,
no, no, it's perfectly all right.

It's all fixed.

I'll talk to them later. It's all fixed,
mate. You start work tomorrow morning

as assistant inspector.

You brought him for that job?

You? Well, let's face it, somebody had
to take the job.

I mean, there's a limit to what a human
being could stoop to.

Well, the truth is I needed the extra
money. So did the train robbers.

I don't know what the fuss is about,
mate. I mean, I'm still the same bloke.

mean, we work together. I mean, it could
be easy. I mean, I'm one of you. How

can you be one of us if you're one of
them?

Oh, blimey, Mum. You've still been in
that old coat.

Well, you know, I don't know whether
this coat wants a new lining or the

wants a new coat.

Still, the buttons are very nice.

Well, I tell you what, me old darling.
Yeah, love?

You can chuck that thing away. I've got
a surprise for you.

Really? Yeah.

What is it? Now, don't get excited. Wait
a minute. Oh, I'm excited. Come on.

Wait a minute, Mum. I'm waiting. Come
on. Don't get me waiting. What is it?

Well, shut your eyes. Shut your eyes.
All right. All right. I promise. Shut

eyes. I've got to touch it.

Well, don't open them until I tell you
to. No, no, no. Shut the tie. Come on.

All right. Open them. Open them.

Oh, what a beautiful coat.

I thought you went to Andy and lost the
property.

No,

no, no, that was the one in Jones's, the
one I saw in the window, I had my eye

on. That's the one, I knew you wanted a
new coat and, well, I managed it and,

well, it's yours.

Oh, mine?

All mine?

Yeah, yeah, I saw it in the window and,
well, I got it for you. What do you do,

break the glass?

No, I paid for it in cash.

All paid for?

Well, in 36 weeks' time it will be.

Oh, Stan, you won't be able to afford
all the payment.

Yeah, no way, it's only ten bob a week.
Besides, I've got something to tell you.

Oh, no.

I've been promoted.

You what?

No! Yeah, they've selected me to be an
inspector.

You? An inspector?

Yeah. I mean, you must have been the
only one who applied.

What are you talking about? There was
dozens of them applied for the job. Oh,

Stan, I'm proud of you, darling. I'm
really...

proud of you. I knew you'd be able to do
something like that. All your mates

must be excited you've been promoted.

Delighted.

Didn't anyone hear the front doorbell?
What?

Has Jack come to see you?

He's come to congratulate you.

Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, good
evening, Mr B. Oh, hello, Jack. Arthur.

Oh, I left my dartboard here the other
evening.

Yes, behind the sideboard. Oh, of course
I forgot. It's our practice night for

darts tonight, isn't it? No, I've come
to take my dartboard back.

Oh, I see. We're practising round your
house. All right, I'll come round now,

then. I shouldn't bother. You'll be
dropped from the team.

Well, I mean, we can't have an inspector
play for the team, can we? I mean, put

the lads off their game, will you?

Oh, tell.

Well, I won't keep you, inspector.

You've got to swat up your rule book, I
expect.

I'll see you tomorrow.

And take care.

Oh,

Stan.

Jack, it was very strange.

There won't be no arm or no arm presses
between you and your mates, will there?

No. No, I'll take your notice, Mum. It's
a bit of jealousy.

It's always like that when somebody gets
on in the world. No, don't you worry

about it, love.

Well, all right. I think I'll go to the
supermarket and do some shopping.

I thought you did that this afternoon.

We did. We got everything.

Yeah, well, I'm going to buy some budgie
seeds.

Blimey, we ain't got a budgie.

Well, I know. It's only ninepence and
it's worth it to show off a new coat.

My dear, I've hardly got time to eat it.
Everyone's gone potty in this house

today. Stan was in the bathroom over an
hour.

Well, it's his first day as an
inspector.

Yeah, well, I thought he was going to be
a butt inspector, not a sanitary

inspector.

I don't know.

Good morning, all.

Oh,

don't you look distinctive.

No.

Oh, I don't agree.

I think he looks fine in that uniform.

Just like Lord Louis Mountbatten.

Yeah.

Just dropped in for breakfast of bangers
and beans, no doubt. What were you in

the bathroom so long for?

Well, I had to have a nice close shave,
didn't I?

I mean, I've got to set an example to my
conductors and drivers and mess busmen.

You shave your legs as well, set an
example to the clippies.

Put your hat on, love.

Oh.

Oh, it does suit you.

Yeah, hides half his face.

Yeah, well, I'll admit it's a bit on the
big side. Olive?

Stick a bit of pipe round the brim, will
you, for us? Here, Mum.

Don't be tired. It's straight. Oh,
smashing, love.

I always think that a stiff collar does
something for a man.

Yeah, it strangles him.

Blimey, it's a lot of tight, this one.
Look, it'll be ever so cold out, it must

put on your scarf, love. Yes, that's a
good idea, Mum. Very good idea.

That's right.

Very good idea.

Oh, dear, dear.

Oh, well.

Oh, well, put it over your ears, love.

What are you doing? I don't want to hear
it.

Absolutely ridiculous, mate. You look
stupid.

Well, love, you've got weak ears.

Yeah, match his head.

Don't be so ridiculous. I haven't got
weak ears. Now, now, don't tell that to

your mum.

I used to have cotton wool soaked in oil
and put it in your ears each day. Don't

you remember?

I remember that all right.

I used to go to school smelling like a
fish shop.

All the boys used to call me Stinky
Stan.

No, I don't want the scarf anyway. I've
got to look distinguished. There's no

doubt about that.

I've got to start with my bus, and I've
got to see that those buses go out on

time. Blimey, take a better man than
you. I've been trying to catch the six o

'clock every evening. It always moves up
at five, too. That's done for years.

I shall be on that bus tonight, and I'll
see you catch it. It will not go out

till six o 'clock. Well, we'll see.

Right, now I'm going to try my new coat
on.

Yes, I'll try mine on, too.

Blimey, you're not coming with me, are
you?

No, I'm going to bring the milk in.

If you've got something nice, you want
to show it off.

Right.

Rulebook.

Clipboard.

Inspector's pencils.

Inspector's pencils.

You'll find the first day is the worst.

Of course, it's all right if you're a
born leader, isn't it? Of course, yes.

So I'm afraid you're in for a hell of a
time.

Well, don't worry.

If anything goes wrong, I report it.
That's right.

If there's something wrong, you report
it.

And if there's nothing wrong, you report
it just the same.

Oh. Right?

You're on your own.

Ah,

morning, Bill. Morning, Sid.

Oh,

look what we've got here.

Hitler's deputy.

Good morning, sir.

Morning, Jack.

Do you mind, mate, putting that bag out?

Huh? Why?

Oh, now, come.

I think you can see up there. It says,
no smoking on that sign.

Oh, yeah. But I'm not smoking on that
sign.

Now, don't be funny. Put the bag out,
don't you?

All right. Another thing. You have
incorrect demeanour.

You should be wearing a collar and tie.

I am wearing a collar and tie.

See you when you come off duty, love,
eh?

Sure.

Thanks, darling. You've got a nerve
coming on duty looking like that.

I should worry.

It's all right for some people. You can
do as you like when you're just good

friends with one of the bosses.

Oh, shut up. Brazen bits.

One of the old depot doesn't know.

Nothing wrong with her uniform, is
there?

Don't worry, Jack, I know the rules.

Excuse me, miss.

Are you in this number nine?

I am. Well, you know the regulations.

I can't allow you to get on this bus
with a skirt like that.

And what's wrong with my skirt?

Well, if I can see it, I'll tell you.

Have you read the rule book?

No. Why not?

Well, it's hardly painted place, is it?

Right, don't be funny. I'll read them
out to you, shall I? Here we are.

Appendix three.

Conductress says, Mini skirts should not
be more than two inches above the knee.

Well... That's about right, innit?

I said two inches above the knee, not
two inches below the waist.

Now, look, my pencil, my pencil here, is
about nine inches long. Now, that must

be ten inches short. Hello, hello,
hello.

What's he inspecting now?

Look, love, I'm the shop steward.

You don't have to suffer liberties from
the management like that.

Oh, cut, Jack, cut off it. Look at that
skirt.

What's wrong with it?

Glum, you can see everything via Adam's
apple.

Travelling a pleasure.

Blimey, even a pouch comes below a
skirt.

As shop steward, I see nothing wrong
with that skirt.

Oh, wouldn't mind, but Blimey, she's on
a double -decker.

You get some very funny people standing
on the platforms of these buses.

Yeah, I know. They call them inspectors.

I'm going to report you, miss.

What shall we do now, then?

I think her skirt should come down.

Look, mate.

Stop thinking about getting her skirt
down and get that bus out.

Go on. I'm going to go to the route. Get
in there. Go on. Oh, yes, I am. Oh,

that's all.

You've done everything wrong.

I don't know how you got the job.

I can tell you, Sonny, but you're not
old enough.

Right.

I'll report you for incidents.

Get lost.

Oh, it's you.

The busy bee.

Blimey, 24 bussers on this company and I
hear you've had a ride on every one.

Well, fasten your safety belt.

Don't touch that bell.

What's up?

This is the first date.

Are you not time we're supposed to leave
here?

Yeah, six o 'clock.

That's right.

Eighteen hundred hours.

Oh, sorry, mate. My watch only goes up
to twelve.

Seventy -fifty -six it is. Go on. Yeah.

I've had other complaints about this
bus, too. Oh, yeah? Let's have your way,

Bill. I'll check the tickets. Have your
tickets ready, please.

Thank you.

Thank you, madam.

Thank you, miss. Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Tickets on?

Your ticket. Ticket.

Look at this ticket.

Absolutely disgusting.

That's right. It's got a number on it,
innit? I can't tell. It's covered in

bubblegum. Here, mate, for me.

I told you, didn't I? I'll see these
buses around the time, mate. It doesn't

out to six and it's not going to go out
to six.

Yeah, very good.

Congratulations. I'll have this seat
here.

Excuse me. No smoking downstairs.

We want to smoke up.

Yep, you're quite right.

Must stick to the rules.

I thought you were going without me.

Well, I had to do some shopping and I
knew this was your bus.

Look, Sarah, I want to talk to you about
something.

Girls, I'm over here all night.

Look, see, I'll see you after. Sit down,
will you, darling?

There's no room up, see? I won't bother
to smoke, right?

Hello, Ma.

Hello. You pinch my seat. Oh, well, you
can have it. No, it's all right, you can

stand. Right, come on, let's all get
over here. Before that, might as well

Don't touch that bell.

What's that now?

It's not six o 'clock yet.

Oh, sorry, mate. I'm being regulated.

Hope it makes you feel better.

Right, where you going?

Hold this hand out, please.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

It's called six o 'clock. There's no
standing after six. Get off.

You've got potty or something.

Just as I said, it was all right for me
to stand.

That was then, now's now. Scorn six, no
standing, get off.

Look, mate, I know the rule book too.
And you're allowed standing passengers

after six o 'clock to avoid hardship.

What hardship?

The black eye you're going to get unless
you ring that bell.

Don't get hasty, Jack.

Let's have a look at the rule, Beck.
There might be a way out of this.

Look, can't you sit on my knee?

It's not three years or under. Let's
have a look.

Ah, here we have. Ah, what a shame,
Arthur. Now then, if you'd have been a

or a cat... Or some other small domestic
animal.

Look, Arthur, mate, there's a number
seven behind us. Hop on that, you'll get

seat. Thank you, Jack.

You wait, I'll get you out.

It's all right.

He'll be home a couple of minutes after
us.

He won't. That bus turns around at the
next stop.

Anything like this happening again?

Have I made myself clear?

Get rid of that moron and do something
with these.

I don't want my staff upset.

Come along, my dear. I want to work with
you in the office.

I'll see you later.

Butler.

Thank you, madam.

Good night, Jack.

Oh, no, thank you. Watch it.

Butler.

Butler. What?

I'd like a word with you.

What?

You are a useless, incompetent twit.

What have I done? You've been enforcing
the rules, haven't you?

Well, that's my job, isn't it?

You don't force men to work to rule when
they're working.

They only work to rule when they're on
strike.

You useless twit.

And as if that wasn't enough, you made a
complaint about a certain Clippy

Skirty, didn't you?

Well, I thought she was indecent.

It happens to be the way the manager
likes her.

It says in the rule book.

But there are things going on at this
depot.

that have never been in any rule books.

All right, I'm sorry. But how was I to
know she was the manager's vehicle?

All right.

I tell you, I will not make any more
complaints tomorrow.

No. No, you won't do that, no.

You'll be too busy driving a bus.

Oh, back driving number.

Rule book.

Clipboard.

Inspector's pencils.

Inspector's pencils.

Stan.

Oh, hello, Mum. Stan, I'm waiting to
speak to you. Yeah, I'm sorry about

Mum. I was having a word with the
inspector, see, and I... What are you

your old coat? Where's your new one?

Well, Stan, that's what I wanted to tell
you. What?

I've, er... I've to go back to the shop.

I've been thinking a lot, Stan, and, you
know, you only took this new job just

to pay for it, didn't you, love? Ah, not
exactly, no.

I don't think you'd be happy if your pal
didn't talk to you no more.

Well, you know... Stan, I want you to
promise me you'll give up being the

inspector. Give it up? He's just given
me the... Well, you can, can't you?

Oh, yes, yes. Well, if it makes you
happy, Mum, I can resign.

Well, I'll be very upset.

Well, they will be, the fellas, but I
can handle them, you know.

Hello, Mr B. Hello, Stan. Hello, Jack.
Hello.

Look, Jack, Stan's going to give up
being an inspector.

Give it up? Well, I've just... Yes, I
was telling Mum I've resigned.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Oh, Mrs B, be all right if me and a few
of the lads come round for darts

practice tonight? Oh, that'd be lovely.

Well, we'll expect you then at 2100
hours. Oh, very good, sir.

Hey, put a cigarette out.

You know you're not allowed to smoke
here. Why not?

Because I ain't got one.