Original subtitles

Gavin, welcome to Cardiff.

Mr Dave, it's good to see you again.

He's changed!

He's gone, and I'm here, bereft.

God, not this again, you two.

He is struggling, Mick, to come to terms with the loss of Gavin.

Dad, this is my friend, Dave.

-Well, fiance. -That's what I said.

Going ahead with it, then, the engagement?

-Yeah, I just said. -No, you didn't.

Yeah, I am, all right?

He's so lush, isn't he? Neil the Baby.

Yeah, he is.

-Gav... -Yeah, let's go for it.

-Seriously? -Let's give it a try.

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hiya!

Gav, what are you playing at?

What?

You left this morning without having sex with me.

Yeah, I had to go to work, you were asleep.

Gav, we have to have sex twice a day.

The one in the morning doesn't have to be anything special.

You can just get on with it. Even if I'm asleep. I won't mind.

And, in the night, then, we'll do it properly.

With candles, and masks and stuff.

-Masks? -Yeah, you know, that kind of thing.

-Masks? -You know what I mean.

But, it's the only way I'm gonna get pregnant. Doing it that much, okay?

-Okay. -And you won't complain?

Oh, I guarantee there'll be no complaints.

Good. And you may as well make the most of it,

'cause once we have a baby, it all stops.

-Why? -Just does, Gav. It's what happens.

Anyway, I gotta get ready for my interview.

Oh, yeah, good luck, babes. You'll walk it.

Thanks. And I'll see you at half four at Ness's then, at the caravan.

-It's the one on the end, by the hut? -Yeah.

Next to the Welsh nationalists. You can't miss it.

Lot of cars out there this morning, Gwen.

-Is there? -Yes.

Oh! Bernie's going out.

Think she's off to Morrisons.

Has she got her Bag for Life?

Yes.

Brenda's out, she's taking Emily Rose.

And the dog?

Yeah, she can't go anywhere without the dog, Gwen, she's registered blind.

Right! Here we are.

I've tried something different this time.

It's got yesterday's beef in it.

Oh! Very exotic.

I don't know what it'll be like.

-Oh, hiya, love. -How do I look?

You look like someone who's about to get a job.

Oh, don't say that. I'm ever so nervous.

Why?

'Cause I haven't had an interview since I was 17!

I didn't even interview for Marks. I just filled in a form.

-What're they gonna ask me... -Hey, now, don't panic.

Why don't me and Bryn give you a little practise run?

Mmm.

Gwen, that's a cracking idea.

Let me just get through this, and we'll have a go.

-All right, Neil? -All right, dude.

Where's Ness?

We've been down the shower block for a wash. She's coming up.

Ah, give him here a minute.

Let's have a little cwtch with your bampi, is it?

Oh, Dave, don't just storm off like that.

-Don't start, all right? -It's half a mile.

I feel exposed, dressed like this.

Okay, sorry. I didn't think. I had the baby.

Neil.

All right, Dad?

What's your plans for today?

I reckon I'll be moving on, Ness. Get from under your feet.

You're not exactly blessed with space.

No, we're not.

And if truth be told, you've overstayed your welcome.

DAVE: You come back for the wedding, all right?

Yeah, just let me know the date, I'll be there.

Be sometime in June.

So, where to you heading next?

I heard there's a bit of extra work at Midsomer Murders.

Thought I'd head up there, show my face.

See if I can get a few days on that.

-Cracking. -Tidy.

Send my love to John.

-Who's John? -Nettles.

Bergerac. Dirty boy.

Good job he can't see me like this, you'd have to put him on a leash.

That's great. Just one more.

Lovely. And, one more.

Lovely stuff.

And, just one more.

Yeah, I think you're gonna like this one.

Owain, to be honest, I'm not really bothered

what I look like on the website.

I just gotta get on, really.

No problem.

Hmm. Can we actually get one with your side...

Monday. I'm all yours Monday.

But today, I wanna finish early, 'cause I've got to get home.

Okay. If there's one thing they say about Owain Hughes,

he never gets in your way.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I'd better get that.

Smith!

What time are you coming home? Back to your people.

We'll be at my parents by about half nine.

Or, do you want us to come to yours, drop Neil the Baby off?

Oh, no. Mum's got her group thing.

And she has a meeting, a single parents thing.

They'll all be crying in the front room.

I'll just see you at your mum and dad's.

Is Nessa coming, or...

Yes, she is. And what time we teeing off tomorrow?

I don't know. Pete's organised it, innit? P. Diddly.

What, it's all booked?

-Yes, done. -It's Romeo done.

(HONKING)

Oh, listen to me. I gotta go. I've parked in the disabled space.

-I'll call you back. -MAN: You shouldn't be parking there.

-Yeah, all right, mate. -MAN: It's for the disabled.

Yeah, well, I am actually. I'm severely overweight.

-That is a disability. -Yeah, look at the size of him.

It's actually difficult for me to walk.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

GWEN: Have a seat.

Thanks. (GIGGLING)

Is something funny?

-No, I just... -Let me introduce myself.

My name is Declan.

McPartlin.

And, this is my colleague, Sandra.

Sandra...

Toksvig.

Pleased to meet you. I'm Stacey Shipman.

Now, I see from your CV that you recently returned to the area.

What made you go in the first place?

Well, what it was, I married a boy from Essex, and we moved up there.

But, he got a job down here, so we moved back.

So, are you prone to changing your mind?

-No, I just wanted... -'Cause we want someone who's committed.

We want someone who's prepared to give 100%.

I am committed.

What about relationships? Are you committed to them?

Yes. I'm married.

Well, a little birdie told me you were engaged five times

before you met your current husband.

But, they wouldn't say that in an interview, Uncle Bryn.

-Who wouldn't? -Who's Uncle Bryn?

-Oh, Mum, tell him. -Look at her!

Calling for her mother at the first sign of trouble.

Your generation make me sick.

You flounce in here, and expect it all to be handed to you on a plate.

-Declan... -Well, I'll tell you what,

Little Miss Five Engagements.

I love this company with all of my heart.

And, I will not stand by, and see it cheated

in the same way you cheated Leighton, and Hywel,

the other two, even Achmed.

I've seen it built from nothing.

Do not presume to think you can raze it to the ground.

-It's been a... -No, Sandra!

This is something I feel very strongly about.

Mrs Shipman, I'm afraid you're not what we're looking for. Good day.

(LOUDLY) Good day, Mrs Shipman.

Next.

Hiya. I'm here for the job interview. Stacey Shipman.

-Can you make tea? -Yes.

-Coffee? -Yes.

-When can you start? -Ohhh!

And he offered me the job, there and then.

He didn't ask me any of the questions you asked me.

I didn't ask you any questions, Stace.

It was Declan.

And I know for a fact, he was only doing it to give you a worst-case scenario.

-This is them, isn't it? -Yeah.

Hey! (SPEAKING WELSH)

(SPEAKING MOCK WELSH)

-What she say? -No idea.

All right, Bryn, Stace, how's it going? All right?

-Oh, yeah. -Very good, very well.

If you wanna see Ness, you'll have to wait a minute. She's doing a reading.

How's it doing? How's the new business?

It's a bit slow. Problem is, Bryn,

we don't get any passing trade down here.

(SOBBING)

That was a tough one.

What was it? Palm?

No. Tarot.

I had to skirt around the facts, if truth be told.

He looked very upset.

I make a lot of it up, Bryn. You have to.

But, even half of what I told him turns out to be true,

he's in for a very bad year.

I'll get changed.

(NEIL CRYING)

I'll put him down now. Can I get anyone a drink? Tea? Coffee? Mojito?

Not for me, David.

I'll have a cider. Stace, you want a cider?

Aye, go on, then.

Actually, no, I won't. I'm trying not to drink.

-Why? -Health reasons.

Don't be a twat, Stace.

(SIGHING) Sorry.

I do like it in here, David.

I like what you've done with the place.

And I mean, you've got it all here at your fingertips.

They're a bit hit-and-miss them showers, aren't they?

All right, Bryn?

-Stace. -Hiya.

Hallo, Neil. Mr Filmstar.

Hey, saw you the other day.

Lark Rise To Candleford. You were in the background.

Hah, yeah. With the geese.

I mean, it says something about that programme,

that I was actually watching you.

That show, in my opinion,

is all about the dresses, the hats, the bonnets, and what have you.

And I don't care what anyone says, it's not the same without Dawn French.

I know. We watch it all the time.

I don't really understand what they're saying, to be honest.

What are you still doing here, anyway? I thought you'd gone.

Yeah, well, I'll be heading off now, in a minute.

Hey, Ness, if it's nice tomorrow,

we can have a little barbecue. What do you reckon?

I won't be here, will I?

-Why? -I'm going up Essex, with Stace.

Taking the baby, Neil, to see his father.

This is the first I've heard of it.

-I told you the other night. -No, you never!

Oh, Dave, I told you Tuesday night.

-When? -When you were asleep.

Well, thanks very much for the invite.

No, that's the thing. You're not invited.

-He was being sarcastic. -I was being sarcastic.

What it is, is we're going to a spa, we are,

and all the boys are playing golf, and Pete and Dawn arranged it.

Yes, and the last time you saw Pete,

you called him Scrappy Doo, and he punched you in the face.

Great. So I'm all on my own then, am I?

Nah, you're all right, Dave.

Look, I tell you what, I'll stay down here with you.

We'll have the whole weekend together.

Go the clubhouse, couple of cans,

I got some porn in the back of the cart, it'll be cracking.

(HONKING)

-Hiya! -Hiya. All right?

Look at you, Little Miss Cafe Marco!

-Congratulations! -Oh, thanks, babe.

-All right, Gav? -All right.

Oh, Gav! Keep it down, will you?

-Sorry, is the baby sleeping? -BRYN: No, it's not that.

It's them lot. The Welshies.

They get a sniff of an English accent on the site,

they'll come out and lynch you.

Nice.

Right, you'll take care of my little boy now, won't you, Gav?

Course I will. His dad's my best mate.

Right, I'll give you a ring when we get there, okay?

Oh, Dave,

I got DVD, VHS or some lovely stuff on Betamax, if you fancy.

MICK: I know I've seen one. I've seen it!

It's got like a... like a...

A man with a flute on the front. Riding an elephant.

Try the messy drawer.

I've looked in the messy drawer.

We keep ours by the Yellow Pages.

That's it! (SNAPS FINGERS)

That's the pony. The Yellow Pages.

Pete, stand down your troops.

The search is over. A menu has been found.

The delights of Bombay Spice shall grace our table tonight.

I don't know why they keep sending those Yellow Pages.

Our last three are still in the plastic.

We just use the internet now

-if we wanna find anything. -Yeah.

I'll tell you what we've started using. AQA.

-What's that? -Any Question Answer.

Yeah, you can ask it anything, and it'll give you the answer.

You know, like what's the weather gonna be like tomorrow?

-What's the football score? -Yeah!

What was it you asked them the other night?

-Should I divorce you. -That was it.

No! What did it say?

I'll tell you what it said. I've got it here.

Right, here we go.

I asked it, "Should Pete divorce Dawn?"

And quick as a flash they came back with, "Yes.

"Pete should divorce Dawn if he is not happy with her

"and feels the relationship is not going anywhere.

"But, they should try working at things first.

"And divorce should be a last resort."

-So that's we're doing. -That's what we're gonna do.

Yeah. It's ever so good.

We're even thinking of renewing our vows.

Oh, that'll be nice!

Right, I got it. What do we fancy?

Lamb Pasanda. Can we get Lamb Pasanda?

Yeah, I already got that.

And how we gonna do it? Having our own, or should we...

Yeah, I think so, let's. And then we can all just...

Yeah. And we should ring Gavin and check with them,

'cause I'm not having what happened last time.

-What's that? -He ordered all the hot things...

-It wasn't that hot! -Michael!

People were in tears, their noses were streaming, it was awful.

He's got the chillies, the extra chillies, the jalapenos.

-And Smithy, well... -He likes them hot!

He could barely see! He was sweating like a horse!

Everyone was! And the next day,

everyone was pumping and trumping!

(GIGGLING) It was terrible!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Here, look. Pass me the phone. I'll ring Gav.

Aw, he's really starting to look like Smithy, isn't he?

-Yeah, I thought that, around the mouth. -Around the chin.

Ness, is it weird when you see Smithy?

Like do you think, "Oh, my God! I've had sex with him?"

Stace, if I thought that every time I saw a man I'd had sex with,

I'd never get anything done.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's dad. Will you talk to him? I ain't got the Bluetooth.

Hello?

Who's that? Is that you, Ness?

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. What's it to you?

Oh, sorry. Um, look, is Gav there? It's his dad.

Oh, all right, Mick? What's occurring?

Hiya! I thought it was you.

We're just ordering this Indian,

and we wondered what everyone wanted.

They're ordering a curry. Who wants what?

Oh, can I have a korma? Is a korma boring?

I know it's boring. Gav, will you laugh at me if I have a korma?

Of course I won't. I think I'm gonna have...

Hang on, is mum getting a Pasanda?

Is mum getting a Pasanda?

-Yeah, lamb. -Yes, lamb.

Right, well, in that case, I'll have a King Prawn Balti.

Yeah, okay, I got that. What about you, Ness?

If they got it, I'll have a Jamdani Hash.

I'll see if they've got it on the menu.

Jamdani Hash? I've never heard of that, what is it?

Duck, it is, Gav.

Cooked in honey. And limes. Immense.

Yeah, it's okay. I've got that.

What about naan bread? Smithy will want a Keema Naan.

I want a bhaji. Can I have a bhaji?

Oh, Mick, what's the situation with poppadums, bhajis, naans?

Yeah, hang on a minute. Um...

What we doing about bhajis and things?

You know, poppadums and naan breads?

(ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE)

I get the picture. It's sorted.

And tell him not to get all that hot stuff.

Gav said don't get the hot stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, Mick, I'm gonna go, this is boring me.

We forgot the Sag Aloo. Text mum and say, "Sag Aloo."

Right, let's see where we're up to. What've got so far?

We have Lamb Pasanda, Beef Madras,

-Chicken Jalfrezi, no tomatoes. -That's no tomatoes.

And, Gavin wants a King Prawn Balti.

-Hello, Smithy. -ALL: Hey!

Bonjour mes amis. Comment allez-vous? Je m'appelle Smithe!

-What's that, French? -Your instincts serve you well, Peter.

-Or should I say "Pierre"? -(LAUGHING)

What you going on about? What's with the lingo?

Lucy's got a pen-friend over from the Dordogne,

can't speak a word of English, so I'm throwing it in whenever I can.

Or in other words, Dawn...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, we're getting an Indian. What do you fancy?

Chicken Bhuna, Lamb Bhuna, Prawn Bhuna,

mushroom rice, bag of chips, keema naan, and nine poppadums.

I'm just gonna stick it on the table and...

Whoa! Right, okay.

What is it about a group of people ordering an Indian, or Chinese,

or something, that it's somehow un-expectable

to eat your own food, that you order yourself.

Like, why do we have to... Why are we all just...

Well, because it's nice.

No, it's not. Not for me.

Because I can guarantee someone, probably Stacey,

will have ordered a korma. Am I wrong, Mick? Am I wrong?

-No, she has actually... -Exactly, all right.

And in my book, a korma's pointless, it's futile. I won't touch it.

But, I can guarantee that Pete's already eyeing up my Bhunas.

Am I wrong? Pete, have you thought about my Bhunas?

Well, yes...

But, they're my Bhunas. You want a Bhuna, order a Bhuna.

That's why I've ordered two bhunas.

-MICK: Three actually. -No! I've had enough of it.

It was the same last week, I went for a Chinese with Chinese and his missus,

they were dipping into mine, going, "Oh, yours is really nice."

I'm like, "Yes, it is. That's why I ordered it." In fact,

forget it, I want no part of it,

I'll order mine, I'll eat it in the car. I'm out.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Sag Aloo. Sag Aloo!

I'd like a Sag Aloo as well, please, Mick.

Gav, listen, I've been thinking about it,

and I reckon we should try and do it once,

-maybe twice, before the food arrives. -Eh?

Look, you're having a curry, which means you'll drink beer,

and when you drink beer, you always get really drunk,

and we always have problems.

But two? They've already ordered!

Don't flatter yourself, Gav. (CHUCKLING)

Ah! I thought it was you.

Dad thought it might've been the food.

Hiya, Ness! Oh, hello, Neil.

All right, Pam, how's it going?

And there he is, my little Prince of Wales, and the Princess.

Oh, come here, you two, I've missed you.

Phew, Mum, are you drunk?

No, not drunk, drunk, but I have had some wines.

Hey, there's my little boy. Hiya! Hiya!

-You all right? -Yeah. You?

-Yeah. -(NEIL CRYING)

-Gavlar! -How are you, all right?

I'm good, I'm good.

-Oh, it's nice to see you. -You too, mate.

Come on in, it's freezing out here.

Yeah, come on, Gav.

There he is.

-Hiya. -Hiya, Mick.

How are you, darling? Hello, son. Good to have you back.

Gav, I'm just gonna go and, you know, do that thing.

Okay, I'll be there now.

Gavin! Darling, come here.

You look so different.

Yeah, you do. You've grown, or something.

-How are you, son? -I'm really good!

How's the job going, you settled in?

Er, yeah, yeah, I'm really, really enjoying it.

-Um... I just need to... -Oh, missed you!

-Aw! -DAWN: Haven't I, Pete?

Yeah! I mean, we've both been surprised by how much we've missed you.

Come on, let's get you a drink. Come on.

Yeah, you got a bit of catching up to do.

-Gav? -Okay, well,

I'm just gonna take these bags upstairs.

No, just leave that till later.

-Nah, I'll do it now. -Come and have a drink.

MICK: We've got some Kingfishers for the curry.

Nice!

I'm sorry, babe, it's just...

Right. I'm gonna go the toilet. You give it 10 seconds, then follow me,

and, do a funny knock or something, so I know it's you.

Babe, I'm not doing it in the downstairs toilet.

-Why can't we wait till later? -(SIGHING) No, Gav.

We've already missed one chance today, I am not missing another.

-(DOORBELL RINGING) -MICK: Get it.

There's the food.

-That'll be the curry. -There's the food!

Whoo-hoo!

Right, Dawn, Jalfrezi, no tomatoes.

Lamb Pasanda, I haven't got my Lamb Pasanda.

There you go, that's it.

-(BRAYING LAUGH) -(LAUGHING)

-More wine? -Here's yours, darling. That's it.

You all right there, mate? You're all sorted, you got yours, yeah?

That's the lowest form of wit, Gav.

Oh, this looks lush!

Oh, you got changed, darling.

Yes, comfier for the curry.

Anyone sitting here?

No, I don't think so.

-What've you got there? -Jamdani Hash.

Yeah, I'm gonna try a bit of that later.

-Oh, you ordered the same thing, Mick? -No, but I...

Look, this is my dish.

I ordered it. End of. I'm eating it.

Thank you! At last, somebody talking sense!

See, it isn't just me.

Right, how are we for drinks?

I'll have a white wine.

-(SPEAKING MOCK FRENCH) -Two beers.

No, I'm sticking to pop.

I'm looking after Neil tonight, to give Nessa a break.

Oh, cheers, Stace, I appreciate it.

By rights, none of us should be drinking,

not with us having our detox facials tomorrow.

-I can't wait. -That's the point!

I haven't washed my face for a week just so's I can feel the benefit.

Oh, I meant to say, has anybody got a spare glove?

-I can't find mine anywhere. -Yeah, I got one.

Was yours the white Callaway one?

-That's the one. -Yeah, it's in my bag.

-Is it? -Pete, show 'em your new hat!

Oh, yeah, I got a new hat!

I got him his hat off the internet.

Also got it personalised, got his little name on it.

Oh, that's nice!

Yeah, it's ever so good, they do all sorts.

T-shirts, hats...

Well, it's just hats and T-shirts, really.

I can't wait to get out there tomorrow. I haven't played a full 18 in months!

Why not? Do they play golf in Wales?

Yeah! And tennis. Ian Woosnam's Welsh.

No!

Do you want a little knife and fork, darling?

No. When I lived in Mumbai, I ate like this morning, noon and dinner.

You lived in India?

Yeah. I was personal assistant to Om Puri.

Oh, I like him!

And I don't normally go for, you know...

Yeah, he's a great man. Some say the best in Bollywood.

But, he had to fire me.

I did the one thing he asked me not to do.

What?

I made it sexual, Pam.

I was only there three months.

Between us, we directed over 200 films.

Now all I've got left to remind me of Om is this Jamdani Hash,

and a VHS copy of East Is East.

Ta-dah!

(CHEERING)

PAM: "Peter Sutcliffe loves golf!" SMITHY: Yeah!

ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Come on, Gavin! Come on, Gavin!

Come on, Gavin! Go on! Go on!

Hah! Hah!

Hah!

Bloody hell, Mum, I'm not even nearly finished!

Well, you shouldn't challenge me, then.

Gavin, you are the loser. Therefore, you must pay the penalty.

Down in one, please.

(SMITHY LAUGHING)

Oh, Smith, rack me up one of them, will you?

-A pleasure, Miss Jenkins. Anyone else? -DAWN: Tidy.

P.M. Dawn, there we go.

Right, I'm gonna see if Neil will go back down now, okay?

Gav, you gonna come with me?

-Nah, you're all right. -Gav!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

-Give him here, I'll do it. -Nah, it's okay.

No, I wanna put my son to bed, you know?

-All right. -Come on, you. Let's go to bed.

Coming for a fag?

Yeah, go on, then.

-Where you going? -For a smoke.

-Oh, I might fancy a fag. -Pam!

Oh, come on, Dawn, let's have a ciggie.

What are you on going about? You don't smoke!

You haven't smoked since 1981.

I know, but I just fancy it.

Go on, then.

I think I might have a fag, actually.

Yeah, and me.

I've never seen you smoke, Pete!

There's a lot you don't know about me, Michael.

I think there's a lot I don't want to know, mate.

I could tell you a few things about him.

-(CRIES OUT) -Oh, Christ!

Dawn, you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

I think we all need to slow down a bit.

Chill out, Grandad.

Oh, it is disgusting, mind.

-Exactly! -I'm quite enjoying it, to be honest.

Mind you, I have had a couple recently.

I had one with Japanese Margaret at work last week.

-Menthol. -Ah!

-Pete, what are you doing? -What?

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Oh, yeah!

DAWN: You doughnut!

I hardly ever smoke these days, do I, Gav?

No, you don't. It don't suit you, really.

He's right, Stace. Some people were just born to smoke.

You... You look a fool.

(LAUGHING)

Pam! You're smoking! What the hell is going on?

I know, mate. The whole night, it's turned.

PETE: Yes, it has.

Can I remind just everyone, we are all

supposed to be playing golf tomorrow morning.

-Oh, give it a rest! -Boring!

(ALL BOOING)

Pass that along here.

Come on, let me have a puff of that.

-(CHOKING) -(LAUGHING)

(MOCK COUGHING)

Pam, you got any vodka?

Smithy darling, let's do some shots!

-Shots! -(CHEERING)

(HOUSE OF FUN BY MADNESS PLAYING)

Yeah!

# Welcome to the house of fun Now I've come of age

# Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on his way

# Welcome to the house of fun #

(CHEERING)

Oh, can you keep it down a bit? Not for me, for Neil.

Don't worry, Stace. He's like his dad. When he sleeps, he sleeps.

Yeah, don't worry about it, Stace.

He lives in a caravan. He's used to all sorts.

Gav, can I have a word with you for a minute?

-Yeah, hang on, let me just finish this. -No, now!

Whoa! I'm the man! Hey! Hey! Hey!

(HOUSE OF FUN BY MADNESS CONTINUES)

(SLURRING) God, I love you, I really, really love you.

All right, you don't have to be romantic, all right?

We just got to do it quiet, 'cause of Neil.

Yeah, come on, let's do it, let's make a baby.

I'm just checking a minute.

Yeah, he's fine.

Right.

(SNORING)

(SIGHING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Oh, my God. Stace.

Stace!

Oh, my God!

(PHONE VIBRATING AND BEEPING)

All right?

Morning.

(SIGHS)

(RUN BY STEPHEN FRETWELL PLAYING)