Original subtitles

Look, are you taking me in the morning

or are you going down with them lot in the afternoon?

-Don't be like that. -It's all right, Gav.

-It's just the way it is now. -What is?

Us.

This is Dave. Do you know Dave?

I don't, no. Hello, mate. Smithy. All right?

All right, who's this Dave? What's going on with him and her.

Smithy, are you jealous?

(CHUCKLES) No! Feel for the bloke.

Hello, Jason.

Well, you could have warned me!

He's my brother, he should be here.

I can hear them whispering.

Four times I've heard the words "fishing trip".

I feel like I'm all on my own.

-What? -I'm really lonely.

I don't want to live there any more.

I'm moving back home.

Hiya. All right?

Yeah, how are you?

Fine. I'm good.

-You? -Yeah, thanks.

-So, what... -So, when do you...

-Sorry. -No, go on.

I just wondered what you're doing.

Well, I'm at work, aren't I?

Oh, right. Yeah.

Thanks for sending those clothes.

No worries.

I was just about to run out of pants.

-So I'll call you later, then. -Yeah.

-Promise? -Yeah.

-I love you. -I love you.

For goodness' sake, nobody is even gonna see that,

there's a bloody great big bush out there.

Do you care that they are putting a phone mast

just 68 feet from your back garden?

Do you even care about the fact that we're all gonna die?

Well, we are all gonna die eventually.

Yeah, not of brain cancer and tumour brains,

brain tumours, 'cause that's what will happen.

I never had you down as an activist.

Someone's got to do something, Mick.

Big Fat Sue's on the case already,

'cause her conservatory overlooks the field.

So as soon as she sees anyone arrive,

we're all gonna rush over and sit on the site in a silent protest.

And how's she gonna let you all know?

She is gonna text everyone.

But some people haven't got a good signal

and they've got to go round the back of the house to use their mobiles.

Yeah, shame that. A lot of bad signal round here.

We are the lucky ones

because Roy and Catherine can only get reception in the bathroom!

Ridiculous.

What's with all them signs in the window?

Oh, come here my little prince.

-It's your mother and her campaign. -Are you all right?

Are you back for lunch?

No, I'm meeting Smithy at the pub.

-I forgot my wallet. -Oh, that's nice.

-Have you spoken to Stacey today? -Yeah.

-How is she, all right? -Yeah. Right. See you later.

-Bye! -See ya.

-I don't like seeing him like that. -I know.

Mick, ring Gwen.

-Pam... -Just to check she's all right.

Just to check she hasn't gone 'cause we've pushed her out.

No, it's not.

I want to know what's going on.

He doesn't tell us anything!

It's nice having you both around.

I wish we were all under the same roof.

Stacey's at Bryn's, you're on an airbed.

And there's us thinking when Dad died

you'd be clattering around on your own.

(CHUCKLES) No chance!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

See? It doesn't stop.

-Hello? -Hi, it's Mick. Is your mum there?

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God, it's Stacey! Hang up! Just hang up!

Hang on!

Hello, Jason, sorry, yeah, look, how are you?

Thanks. Yeah.

Hello, Gwen, yeah, it's Mick.

Oh, hiya, Mick. How's things?

Well, we're all right, you know?

We're just a bit worried about the kids.

Oh, I know. How's Gavin?

He's gone into his shell. I've never seen him like it before.

-(WHISPERS) Has she lost any weight? -What?

Has she lost any weight?

-Has she lost weight, Stacey? -Well, no.

If anything, she's eating too much,

-but I think that's the boredom. -What did she say?

-What? -(WHISPERS) She's stuffing her face.

Hello? Mick?

(WHISPERS) Has she mentioned us?

-Yeah, yeah. -Is Gavin coming down?

-What? -I didn't say anything, Gwen.

Hang on.

-Look, why don't you talk to her? -No! I'm not here!

How's Pam bearing up? Is she all right?

Well, you know, she's obviously very worried.

I mean, it's all she can think about, to tell you the truth.

-(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) -(VIBRATING)

Yeah, yeah.

Mick, get off the phone! They're here!

It's Sue. The bastards are here!

-Hey? -All right, where's my fleece?

-Grab that banner. -Gwen, I'm gonna have to go,

send our love to Stacey.

Mick! Will you get off the phone?

Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye.

-(MOBILE BEEPS) -For goodness' sake, that was really rude, Pam.

Oh, false alarm. False alarm.

It's just someone come to read the meter.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

-All right? -19 quid I've put in here.

I've only been in the feature twice.

Yeah, well, maybe it's time to walk away.

Then I've really lost the money, haven't I?

Come on, I've only got an hour and I've got to eat something.

Hang on. I've got four nudges.

Absolute joke.

Brian, is this machine taking a piss?

-Shut up, Smithy, you tosser. -(CHUCKLING)

I love that guy!

-Just no pretence with him. -Yeah, he's lovely.

Right.

That's gone off.

This is Gavlar time.

-Lay it on me. -Well, there's nothing really to say.

She's down there, I'm up here.

-It's not over, just... -Not a marriage any more.

-She's still my wife! -On paper.

Thanks, Smithy. This is really cheering me up!

Hey, I'm no Jeremy Kyle, but I've known heartache,

I know what it's like to lose the one you love.

-I haven't lost her. -And what did I do?

I got by with a little help from my friends. All right?

You need a night out. The boys are all in.

-No, I just don't fancy it. -Two words.

-Foam. Party. Why? -No. Where?

-Ritzy's. What! -Definitely not.

But you used to love the foam!

We even drove to Visage once, which is over an hour away,

just 'cause you loved the foam so much!

That was eight years ago! I don't understand why you still like it?

-You know why. -What, so you can touch up girls

-and they don't know who it is? -Exactly.

-Yes, please. -Can I just get the fish and chips?

Uh, and I'll have a tuna baguette,

but with onion rings instead of fries.

-Okay. -Hang on a minute, wait, whoa.

Um...

Yours comes with onion rings anyway,

-so give his chips to me. -What?

Put his chips on my plate, and just leave him with the onion rings.

So you want fish and chips, and chips?

Yeah. But two actual portions.

Don't just put a couple of chips on the top 'cause I'll know.

I want two full portions.

-Right. -Look, it's simple, right?

Basically, plate it up

as you would, with a baguette,

the onion rings, the chips, right?

And then just before you come out,

put his chips on my plate, got it?

-Yeah. -Great.

-What? -Sometimes I think if we met now,

-we would never be friends. -(CHUCKLES)

(TELEVISION PLAYING)

-(DOOR BANGING) -Ah. Good morning!

Or should I say good afternoon?

-Hiya! -I didn't want to wake you this morning.

You looked very peaceful.

-Did you sleep all right? -Yeah, it was fine.

It's just every night since you've been staying,

I go up to my bed wracked with guilt

that you're down here on that!

It's fine. Honest.

I got the telly, it's quite comfy really.

Well, you know where the bed is if you want to swap.

Now I'm not being funny,

and it is no odds to me,

but are you at any point today planning to get dressed?

Oh, you're just as bad as Pam, you are.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm only asking!

I mean, as far as I'm concerned,

you can stay there as long as you like.

I just think it might do you good

to have a little wash, that's all.

Clean body, clean mind, as my drama teacher used to say.

I'm sorry.

I will get up now.

(TELEVISION PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

How are you doing really? On the inside.

-I'm fine. -Deep down.

-I'm fine. -In here.

I'm okay. Really, I am.

Are you missing him?

'Cause I know that I am.

Every single day.

I don't want to talk about it, to be honest.

Right, you need something to occupy your mind.

Now, have you been online yet today?

'Cause there's a cracking new website.

It's called the YouTube.

And you can watch all manner of thing on there,

some of it quite cheeky.

The other night, for example,

I watched three episodes of Desperate Housewives,

season one, back-to-back!

I mean, I've got the box set, of course I have,

but I dunno, I think there's something magical

about watching it live.

Now, have you seen your mother today?

Yes, she called by with Jase.

They're going to see Nessa in work.

Oh, is that the arcade?

No, in town. She's performing today.

Tidy.

Hiya, Ness.

All right, Gwen? Jase? How's it going?

-Good, thanks. -How long have you been here?

-What time is it? -Uh, 1:20.

Three hours and 20 minutes.

Oh, well, are you stopping for lunch?

Oh, Gwen, I'm not being funny,

but stick some money in the hat

and I can talk to you proper then, like.

Yes! Of course.

Shake it.

Cracking. So, what's occurring?

Oh! I'm on a break, all right?

Don't take the piss!

(SIGHS) Jase, when you back on the road?

Couple of days. It's been great being home, though.

I didn't realise how much I missed the place.

I know, it does that to you, Barry does.

Gets under your skin.

No matter how far away you go, it'll always pull you back.

Look at Stace.

How's she doing?

(SIGHS) She's not too good.

The thing is she don't want to talk about it,

but she won't talk about nothing else either.

I'm taking her to the bingo tonight. Do you fancy coming?

-Can I bring Dave? -Yeah.

Oh, you two are quite an item now, aren't you?

I know, we're enjoying each other's company,

Gwen, I'm not gonna lie to you.

He's a genuine bloke. Simple as.

And while I remember...

Happy belated birthday.

Just a little something from the both of us.

-Oh, thanks, Ness! -No worries.

I owed it you anyway for that Chinese,

so it's not really a present.

But times are hard and I got a baby on the way.

-Well, it's the thought that counts. -I know.

Okay, well, we'll see you later.

Unless you fancy joining us for lunch?

-Yeah, we thinking of going to Munchies. -My treat.

No. I gotta get back to work.

Right, well, we'll see you later, then.

-Great. See you then. -Bye!

♪ Imagine there's no heaven

♪ It's easy if you try

♪ No hell below us

♪ Above us only sky ♪

Gavin! Gav! Over here!

-What's going on? -Did you get my note?

-Yeah, is everything all right? -Yeah! Do you fancy a burger?

-The onions will be a couple of minutes. -Mum, I was worried!

-Why? -Hey, look, it's Pete's fault!

'Cause the note says, "Gavin, come to the hill immediately.

"I'm with your father. It's urgent.

"Come here urgently."

They are on their way.

The mast.

Yeah, but I thought something had...

-Smithy, what are you doing here? -Gavlar!

Pete, this burger is a dream.

See? He's not missing the onions.

-Yeah, yeah. -I had a text off Big Fat Sue.

Shh! Don't call her that!

Her name's Sus-an.

But you always call her Big Fat Sue!

Not to her face.

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you, Susan.

-See? -Hi, Gav!

Can I get you a drink or anything?

We're going out. What time are we meeting them?

Have one, go back to yours, get changed, go out. Yeah?

-Okay, I'll have a beer, thanks. -Yeah?

Sue? Big Fat Sue?

Can we get Gavin a beer?

Dawn! Don't call her that!

Why? Everyone else does. She loves it.

I always call her Susan.

Yeah, but it's like we call Japanese Margaret "Japanese Margaret".

That's because there's two Margarets,

we do it to differentiate.

-You all right, son? -Yeah.

Dad, what's going on? I thought this was meant to be a silent protest.

Yeah, I know, I've been through it all with your mother,

but if you can't beat 'em...

Every single one of them sausages has gone. Did you try one, Gav?

-No, I didn't. No. -Will you stop going on about those bloody sausages?

Yes, they're organic.

Yes, the butcher made them with his own hands.

And yes, you can really taste the tarragon,

but could you be any more boring?

Why do you always get like this after a couple of drinks?

-Dawn, they were a triumph! -You're an embarrassment!

Oh, I'm an embarrassment? I'm an embarrassment.

Take a look in the mirror, you pre-op!

PAM: Oh, Dawn, there's no need for that!

Come on, you too.

Mum, aren't these the guys?

-Right. Positions, everyone! -Shh! Come on! Shh!

-What you wearing tonight? -Shhh!

-That it? -It's just a sign, Mum.

All this for a sign?

Right! Bloody hell, Pam!

(CHEERING)

-Well, that showed them, Pam! -Up the revolution!

(LAUGHING)

Mmm.

I never get tired of these omelettes, Gwen.

That's good, 'cause sometimes I feel like

it's the only thing I ever cook!

Mum? Have you seen my... Phone?

Uncle Bryn.

Jason.

By the telly, love.

-Oh, that's a nice shirt. -Oh, thanks.

Is it Rocha. John Rocha?

Yes.

Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?

No, I'm fine, I'll get something down there.

Right, well, I'd better get changed.

-Girls? -Yeah?

-Dave will be here in a minute! -Oh, whoa!

Dave? Dave?

No one mentioned Dave was coming.

Yeah. He's giving us a lift.

(SIGHS)

-Ohh. -What's the matter?

You're letting him in, Gwen.

He is getting his feet under the table, that one.

Oh, Bryn.

Do you know, sometimes I cannot work you out!

Jason, I need to talk to you.

-What's wrong? -Oh, God.

-Uncle Bryn? -It's about Dave.

-Nessa's Dave? Dave Coaches? -Yes.

-What? -He knows.

-What? How? -He knows everything.

-I told him. -Bryn!

-I'm sorry. -Why?

I was on the island.

Alone.

I was playing crazy golf. It was raining.

I only stayed out there 'cause the rain covered my tears.

When was this?

Six months after...

I'd just finished the last hole, the one with the bridge and the little windmill.

I was heading back to the kiosk.

Dave worked there in those days, he could see I was upset.

All he did was ask me what was wrong and I told him!

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, boy, did I tell him, every damn thing.

-What? Even about... -Yes! Everything!

And now he's back in our lives,

sitting in our house, eating our food,

drinking our squash,

taking us to bingo in his bus,

and I am freaking out! I can't take it any more!

I feel sick!

Bryn! Pull yourself together, man!

-(BREATHES DEEPLY) -Now, listen.

-Do you think he's told Ness? -No.

-Anyone? -No.

-Are you sure? -Yes.

He was sickened by the whole thing.

Right. Right.

Well, I tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna do nothing.

'Cause what happened out there

-was perfectly legal in this country. -Yes.

So we're just gonna have to hope and pray

that Dave is as good as his word

-and keeps it to himself. -(CAR HONKING)

Right.

Come on.

It'll be fine.

Jason?

Do you ever think about it?

-Hey, gorgeous. -Dave.

-Ah! -Did you miss me?

-Always. -Good boy.

-All right, Gwen? -Hiya, Dave.

Stace, you're looking nice. How's it going?

-Oh, you know. -Hi, Jason, all right?

Yeah, good, thanks.

Bryn! What a treat!

I didn't expect to see you, well, both of you, like,

together, on the same trip, like.

Everything patched up then, is it?

Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

Right, welcome to Dave's Coaches.

Dave's the name, bingo's the game,

so sit back, everybody, and enjoy the ride.

Eh, Ness?

What's Gavin up to tonight?

-I dunno. I think he's going out with Smithy and the boys. -(ENGINE STARTS)

Oh, there we are, then.

(SCREAMING LOUDLY)

ALL: Whey-hey! (LAUGHING)

But wait! Wait! Wait!

(SMITHY LAUGHING)

Wait, wait, what's it say?

-"Back from the dead"? -ALL: Yeah.

-Was this your idea? -Yes!

-Well, it's not very funny. -It's just a joke.

What, so my marriage is a joke now, is it?

Oh, don't... It's just a bit of fun!

Well, it's not funny.

Deano, you weren't even at the stag!

-I know. -Where'd you get the T-shirt?

I got it made.

Right, well, take them off, all of them.

-What? -Seriously, it's not funny. Take them off.

Told you, Smithy.

Dickhead.

Sorry, Gav.

Someone order a Chinese?

Not now, Alan.

Take the T-shirt off.

-But I haven't got anything else to wear. -Take it off!

Do you know, I've not been here for years.

I love a bit of bingo, me.

Do they play bingo in Spain?

Yeah, I think so. They've got a version of it, I don't know what it's called.

Bingo.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is...

No. It's called "Bingo".

The Spanish as a nation really enjoy it.

I mean their game differs,

in that the numbers are pushed through the card

rather than crossed off with a pen.

Other than that, it's exactly the same.

Isn't that right, Stace?

-Yeah, we cross them. -They push them through!

All right here then, are we?

Yeah, it's as good a place as any to set up camp.

I mean, base. I wasn't, you know...

All right, Bryn?

All right there, Dai?

Out with the family tonight, is it?

Well, and Dave. Do you know David?

Oh, he's part of the family now, Bryn, come on!

Actually, he's not, Gwen.

All right, Dai? How's it going?

Dave. Dave Coaches, Dave!

I don't know you, but you know my wife, Maria. From the clinic.

I'd send her your love, but we all know where that gets you.

Right, let's get this show on the road.

I mean, technically, Nessa's not family either.

But I'm happy to let that one go.

What is the matter with you tonight, Bryn?

It's yours and mine, 69.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

So the ball comes in,

shook him off, brought it down,

and twat, right in the stanchion.

-I wish I'd been there. -Yeah, where was ya?

I was on the phone to Stacey for about three hours, wasn't I?

Oh, mate. What's the latest?

Hey! You told him about your goal?

-Sounds incredible. -Unbelievable, Gav.

He's chested it down, shook him off, rifled it, and bang!

Right in the stanchion.

-Have you seen Chinese? -What?

He didn't have another shirt.

Or a coat. So he's wearing a bin bag.

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life!

-Really? -Yeah.

The bouncer's saying it's not proper clothing,

and he's saying it is, and he's standing out there wearing a bin bag!

People are walking past,

just looking at him wearing a bin bag!

Someone said, "Chinese, you're wearing a bin bag!"

Funniest thing I've ever seen in my life!

Have you told him about your goal?

DJ: Only half an hour to go before we unleash the foam!

(ALL CHEERING)

BINGO ANNOUNCER: Danny La Rue, 62.

Red raw, 64.

Down on your knees, 43.

Two and five, 25.

Cheers.

Oh, Stace, I'm not being funny

but that's the fifth time in the last 20 minutes.

-What? -Checking your phone.

If you wanna talk to him, talk to him, if you don't, don't.

-But cut the dicking around, you're married. -I'm not dicking around, Ness.

I just don't know if I can ring him!

Like, am I allowed?

Does he want to talk to me?

I just feel so separate.

That's what happens when you separate.

It's like I got this lovely man,

we live in a lovely house, with a lovely family.

And if that doesn't make me happy, what will?

-You haven't got your own car. -Mmm.

This reminds me very much of my time with John.

Prescott.

I had the lot.

Flat in Westminster, full use of one of the Jags,

didn't even have to cook, had a little Filipino do it for us.

And a crackin' social life.

Many a night we'd have Dave Blunkett and his bitch round for dinner.

But I remember so clearly thinking this was not the life for me.

And I turned to them and I said,

"I don't see the point."

Dave said neither did he. He could be very dry.

I left that night and I never looked back,

'cause I knew I'd only ever be happy in Barry.

How did John take it?

(SIGHS) He took it bad.

He went mad, he did, shouting and fighting.

Next day he punched a civilian.

When I saw it on the telly I knew that punch was meant for me.

(SIGHS) I just miss him so much.

I just miss her so much.

Is there no way you could just go and live down there?

Dunno. I mean, what would I do for work?

-Mining? -I'd never move to Wales.

-Why? -I don't like the accent.

Budgie, I was just saying to Smithy,

-and he said the same back, I can't wait for the foam. -Yeah?

Come on, you bunch of pricks!

The foam's coming, the foam's coming!

-Smithy, I can't wait! -Nor can I!

DJ: It's the final countdown!

ALL: Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one...

(CHEERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(MOBILE RINGING)

-Gav? -Stace? Hello?

Gav? Gav, I can't hear you!

-Stacey? -Wait there!

-Stace? -Can you hear me?

Stace, I miss you so much!

Oh, me, too!

This is ridiculous!

I know, I've gotta see you.

-I hate this! -When can I see you?

I dunno. Whenever you like!

I love you, Stacey.

I love you, baby.

We're gonna be all right, aren't we?

Of course we are!

Of course we are!