Original subtitles

Babe! Where are you?

-You just walked off! -STACEY: I know.

But there was this woman next to me in a veil, fiddling with her shoe

and I thought, "Oh, my God, terrorist!"

Oh, right. So you were just gonna leave me here to get bombed.

I know. And I do feel bad. But I was gonna text you.

Oh, well, that's all right then. Look, where are you?

By Nothing To Declare. Have we got anything to declare?

I don't think so... Are you sure you don't want to get Nessa any fags?

No. She's given up.

What? Since when?

Oh, I don't know.

Anyway, I got her a Greek flag for her collection,

that's what she wanted.

Come on, I'm excited!

Why?

I just love walking through and all the people looking.

-I pretend like I'm really famous. -(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

-What you doing? -Oh, come on, join in!

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) Lift it up! They won't see it!

Why can't you just hold it? I feel like a right pillock.

Oh, that's lovely, that is.

Your son and his wife have been away for over three weeks.

Twenty-two days.

I am not going over this again, Michael.

Mick! Mick! Michael! Will you look at me?

Everybody's staring at us.

Yeah! And you know why?

Because they're thinkin', "Look at that lanky mardy-arse

"who can't even be bothered to hold up a banner, a beautiful banner,

"that his wife spent three hours preparing last night!"

It only took three hours 'cause you couldn't spell Stacey!

I know how to spell it. I just got confused.

What?

Because of the big pen.

Oh, here they are! (CHUCKLES)

Gavin! Gav!

-(STACEY CHUCKLES) -Gav.

-Oh, come here, my little prince! -All right, Mum?

-Hiya, Stacey. -Hiya!

-Welcome home! -(CHUCKLES)

All right, Dad? Nice banner.

Oh, do me a flavour.

So, good time?

-Oh, the best! -GAVIN: Yeah, fantastic.

Oh, how was the hotel? Was the hotel nice?

-It was lush. Stunning! -Oh, it was really, really nice.

And was the pool nice? Was the pool nice?

-There were four! -One of them had a bar in it!

-And the food? Was it nice? -What about the food?

-It was okay. -Oh, it was really nice.

BOTH: But a lot of fish.

Really? 'Cause we had mackerel last night, didn't we?

Yeah, we did. And I had a tuna sandwich for lunch.

BOTH: Weird!

And what about the staff? Were the staff nice?

-Yeah, the staff make a hotel. -Yeah, they were okay.

I tell you what, Stacey, when we were in Corfu, oh, those little shits...

Have I told you this already?

-No, go on. -Yeah.

Well, we asked them to change the bedding every day,

which personally I don't think is a big ask.

I mean we're talking four-star hotel.

It was five AA diamonds.

Yeah. Well, one night me and Mick got into bed and I said to Mick,

"There is no way these sheets are fresh,"

and I've rung down to reception.

I just didn't believe him, so I've decided to lay traps.

So I've put two wine gums inside the pillow case, Mick's side,

and we've come back this one afternoon...

Mick's been snorkelling, I've had a hot stone massage

and I've looked at the bed and I knew straight away,

'cause you know when you know, don't you?

BOTH: Yeah.

Yeah. So, Mick's reached in, and he's pulled out

the very same wine gums that I had placed there not three hours earlier.

-Well, I hit the roof, didn't I, Mick? -I'll say.

So, I've got him by the throat, this Stelios Cycliades,

and I'm saying, "Look me in the eye

"and tell me that those sheets..."

-(MOBILE RINGS) -Hang on a minute, it's Bryn.

Hello?

BRYN: Come in, London. Can you hear me?

-Hiya! We're back! -(CHUCKLES) Hello.

Whereabouts are you?

We've just got onto the M25.

And according to the nav, we're an hour and ten minutes away.

Hello, Mrs Shipman!

Hiya, Gwen!

Oh, no, Pam, I meant Stacey.

I'm sorry! I thought you meant me!

-So did I! Hiya, Mum! -(LAUGHS)

Hiya, Stace! Hiya, Gav!

Hiya, Gwen. All right, Bryn?

Welcome home, young man!

Do you have a tan, are you bronzed?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, I can't wait to see it!

Hiya, Ness!

Oh, Nessa's not here, love!

Where is she? Have you spoken to her? Is she okay?

Oh, she's fine, but we didn't have enough room for all of your stuff in the car.

In the Picasso, so she's following on. I'll try her on the radio.

(STATIC CRACKLES)

Nessa? Come in, Nessa, do you read me?

(STATIC CRACKLES)

One, nine, Rubber Duck.

Ho, Bryn... I'm not gonna tell you again,

you can't call me "Nessa" on the airwaves.

You got to use my handle.

What is that?

My code name. Robert Mugabe.

I'm sorry, Robert. I keep forgetting, what's my name?

-Bryn. -No, no, my handle.

I know we're in the car, but we did say...

Dame Judi Dench.

That's it! That's it. Dame Judi Dench.

Now, I'm on the line to our London contingent

and I've given them an ETA of ten past five.

Is that doable for you?

Well, I got my foot down, Jude. I can do no more. 10-4.

Well, here we are! Home sweet home!

Ah, let's have a look at you in the daylight.

(GASPS) Oh, you have gone a nice colour. Haven't they, Mick?

Yeah, it suits you.

I am jealous. When are you takin' me away? Sardinia, I fancy.

Oh, give us a chance. I'm still paying off the wedding!

It was a lovely day, wasn't it, Gav?

-Yeah. -It was lush.

But you know your Auntie Christine

still hasn't spoken to your cousin John

after all that business with the dessert?

-Really? -It was just a joke.

Yeah, well, there's a joke, and then there's smearing somebody's face in cake

till they nearly choke to death.

She didn't choke!

The woman's diabetic, Gav, she was terrified.

Yeah, he did look a bit vicious when he was doin' it.

He gets like that, John.

But nothin' else happened with Smithy or...

Oh, he was absolutely... Wasn't he, Mick?

Poleaxed. Blotto.

Him, Dirtbox, and Chinese Alan, all fell asleep in the lift.

Up and down they was going for an hour.

Yeah. And they all had rooms. What a waste of money!

Right. I'm putting the kettle on. Who's for a cup of tea?

-I'll have a coffee. -Yes, please.

But he's all right though, Smithy, is he?

Yeah, well, you know what he's like. Always a drama.

-Why, what's happened? -Oh, you know, nothing serious.

-He's been pining for him! -What?

But nothing, you know, big?

-No, I don't think so. -(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

Oi! Where do you think you're going?

-What? -Come here.

(SQUEALS)

(GAVIN CHUCKLES)

I mean, it is weird... Gettin' used to being Stacey Shipman.

Yeah.

I remember being very disappointed the day I lost my maiden name.

-What was it? -Griggell-Eschefska.

Pamela Andrea Griggell-Eschefska.

Which, you know, always felt quite glamorous.

And then in the space of one day, to go from that to Shipman...

You know, Ship Man.

I felt quite flat if I'm honest with you, the day after we got married.

Felt like I'd lost my identity.

You know, like Anne Frank. After they found her.

-I've put your cases in your room. -Cheers, Dad.

Ooh! While I remember, will you sort your washing out, ASAP?

I've got a white wash ready to go on tonight

'cause your dad's run out of pants.

You've had to go commando today, right, Mick?

-What? -You've no drawers on.

-Mum! -Yeah. She's right.

I'm flappin' around like an elephant's trunk down here.

-Dad! -(LAUGHS) Elephant's trunk? I should be so lucky!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -(CAR HONKS)

-Oh, here they are. -Ooh.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

MICK: Hiya.

BRYN: Ah!

-Hello, Gwen! -Kalimera.

Ooh. Ooh, continental!

-Hello, Bryn! -Kalimera!

-Oh, yes. -That's Greek for good morning.

I learnt it!

(SCATTING)

-Hiya! -Oh, Gavin!

Oh, Galimera!

And look what I've had done!

(READING)

(CHUCKLES)

But she didn't get it for you.

Yeah, we got you a bottle of Cinzano.

I know! I got it printed for a joke! (LAUGHS)

Where did you get it done?

Online! I did it five weeks ago.

For a joke! (LAUGHS)

-What, before the wedding? -Before they got married?

Yes! For a joke!

-(TRUCK HONKS) -That'll be Nessa.

(BRAKES HISS)

MICK: Hiya, Ness!

(ALL GREETING INDISTINCTLY)

-All right? -You made good time then?

Yeah. The road's been kind to me, I won't lie to you.

She can be a cruel mistress, the M25, but today I've been lucky.

All right, Bryn? Pam? Gav? Mick?

Gwen? Stace?

Don't you need some sort of special licence to drive one of them?

No. Not for the seven and a half ton, you don't.

But I've driven them bigger than that, Mick.

I used to drive the sets for The Who on their world tours.

Great days.

Till I found out some things about Pete Townshend that I didn't like.

And all I'll say is... And I said it to his face,

"Where is the book?"

Right, cup of tea.

ALL: Yeah! Cup of tea!

How did the T-shirt go down, Bryn?

Mixed reviews.

Yeah, it was March '89 I quit.

That's when I went Stobarts.

-Eh? -Eddie Stobarts.

-Really? -Yeah.

I was with Eddie and the boys for 18 months, all told.

You had a little soft spot for him, didn't you, Ness?

I did, Bryn, I'm not gonna lie to you.

But I wasn't his type, apparently.

I mean, since when has a great rack

and an open mind not been a man's type?

Is he still alive, Eddie Stobart?

I think so. He's a deeply religious man. Very generous.

Gave you two trucks, didn't he, Ness?

He did. And I regret selling them now, Bryn, to be honest with you

but they were a bugger to park around Barry.

Everyone all right with Chinese tonight?

We thought we'd just get a takeaway.

-BRYN: Yes. -You don't want to be cooking.

Well, it's just easier, innit?

-(DOORBELL RINGS) -We could always go out to eat.

Yeah! Can we go to that Italian?

-Capriccio's? -Yeah, let's go to Capriccio's!

Hey! Smithster!

-Smith? -(DOOR CLOSES)

-PAM: Hello, Smithy, darling. -Hello, everyone.

(CHUCKLES) Hello, Smithy.

-All right, Bryn? -(BRYN EXHALES)

What's going on?

(SCOFFS)

(SNIFFLES)

"What's going on?"

(SNIFFLES) "What's going on?"

I've been asking myself the same question over and over again in my head.

First thing in the morning, last thing at night. What is going on, Gavin?

What?

I've been ringing you every day for three weeks. Your phone's been off!

-Oh! -Is that all?

You haven't told him, have you?

I was on my honeymoon!

Right. Can we all stop calling it a honeymoon, right? It's just a holiday!

Yeah, but it wasn't just a holiday.

It was the best time of my life.

When I went to Malaga with Lucy and her nanna,

right, I called you every day, sometimes twice.

-Sometimes thrice! -Back off, Mick.

You were only ringing for the West Ham scores!

That was an excuse, you fool!

I was getting the updates on my mobile. I was ringing you 'cause...

(INHALES DEEPLY) I was ringing you 'cause I missed you.

Smithy!

I missed you these last three weeks and all. It's been horrible.

I ain't been myself, I've been off my food.

He's been round here every day.

No-one's been going out. They're all shacked up with their birds.

What about Lucy?

-She's been grounded for two weeks. -Why?

Her dad found 10 B&H in her bag.

Went ape-shit. Look, I'm gonna go.

-I just wanted to check you're all right. -Smithy, come on.

-MICK: Smithy! -He did miss you, Smithy!

He did.

He talked about you every day.

Give him the present.

What, now?

-Yes. -STACEY: Yes.

It's the one we read about.

In Nuts magazine.

Yeah.

(EXHALES)

Ah... (EXCLAIMS)

Well, thank God for that.

Now, look, we're going out to dinner. You coming?

-Capriccio's? -ALL: Yeah!

'Course I'm coming!

-(NESSA CHEERING) -(PAM CHUCKLES)

It's lovely to see you, Bepe.

BEPE: Oh, it's always a pleasure to have you here.

And congratulations to the new couple, eh?

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

Dawn? Mum, it's Dawn!

Oh!

-Hi, Dawny! -Hello, you two!

Fancy seein' you here!

Hi.

Hello!

You remember Bryn, don't you?

Stacey's uncle from the wedding?

-Oh, yes. -Yes.

-Lovely! Look, they're back! -(CHUCKLES)

Came back this afternoon, didn't you?

Did you have a nice time?

Oh, it was fantastic.

Yeah, and thanks for those vouchers. Really kind.

Not a problem.

(DOOR OPENS)

This is Seth.

-Hello. -(EXCLAIMS)

-He works at the butchers. -He's a colleague of mine from work.

I never knew you were a butcher, Pete.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Don't let us hold you up.

Right! Well, enjoy your meal. We'd better...

Yeah.

(MOUTHING) Are you okay?

(MOUTHS) Yeah.

And no olives. Thanks, Bepe.

Ooh.

Now. This is a tough one.

Uh, I'm in a bit of a pickle here.

You might have to come back to me.

No, no! No, no. I've got it! I've got it.

It's a toss up between the gnocchi,

the carbonara,

the pollo tagliatelle,

or the risotto.

I'll come back to you.

-(GASPS) -I'm having the gnocchi.

-There it is, Pam. It's the gnocchi. -(LAUGHS)

Apologies for the wait, these things take time.

Hey, Gwen! I've gone with the gnocci!

Mick, I'm having a wonderful time.

-And for you? -Si. Buona sera.

-Buona sera. -Voglio ordinare bruschetta per tutti.

E qualcosa da bere?

Eh... due bottiglie di vino rosso,

due di vino bianco e acqua minerale per me.

E per pranzo?

Prendo... l'ossobuco alla milanese con verdure e patate.

Certo.

Tidy.

Signor Smithy?

Um, just a Caesar salad, thanks.

No dressing.

(LAUGHS) I'm joking. I'm having a steak!

(PAM LAUGHS)

Medium. (LAUGHS)

Look at his face.

So in the second week, Gavin organised this boat trip.

Yeah. This company pick you up, and they give you a hamper

and they take you to this island, this deserted island.

Yeah, there's nobody there. Just us.

It's like being on Lost.

We both went skinny dipping completely in the nuddy, didn't we, Gav?

Hmm. Yeah.

And, then, in the last week we went paragliding.

-I'm going to the toilet. -I've always wanted to do that!

MICK: We did it, didn't we? In Santorini.

Oh, yeah. Gwen, it is horrible.

What is it? I want to know! Para what?

I'll be back in a minute.

Paragliding, you're, like, sat in the sea,

and then this boat, a speed boat, which you're attached to,

slowly moves off and gathers speed and you move up with it.

Good God! Into the sky?

All right, Stace?

-What's occurring? -What you on about?

You know what I'm on about. Smithy.

You haven't told him, have you?

-No. -Why?

-I thought about it and I decided not to. -(HAND DRYER WHIRS)

Look, I barely knows the kid.

And what I do know, I don't like.

But you said you were going to tell him that night, at the wedding.

Oh, I nearly did.

But I took one look at his disgusting face...

He's not disgusting, he's cute in his own way!

He's vile. And he's English.

Well, now you're just bein' racist.

It's not racism, Stace, it's xenophobia.

Oh, stop being so childish. These aren't reasons, they're excuses.

Look, I don't want to tell him

'cause then I'd have to admit it was really happening, and I can't do that.

But it is happening.

And whether you like it or not,

Smithy's sat out there eating bruschetta,

totally unaware that you're pregnant with his child.

What?

So. Now, let me get this straight.

I'm attached to a boat,

but I'm in the air,

flying,

holding on to a parachute.

-Yeah, that's it. -It's quite safe!

Well, stone me, Mick. I've heard it all now!

That's nothing, right. First time we all went away, to Magaluf,

Budgie... You remember Budgie? He was at the wedding?

-The ears? Yeah? -Mmm-hmm.

He ain't been out of Essex before, right.

He's barely been out of Billericay.

We get there, and there's this cliff hanging over the sea.

What was it, it was, like, 500 feet up, wasn't it?

It was about 80 feet.

We've just got off the coach, and fully clothed,

Budgie just runs off the cliff, and jumps into the sea.

-Comes up to the surface. -Spittin' water everywhere.

He looks up and he shouts...

ALL: "Someone's spilt some salt in here!"

He'd never been in the sea before!

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Gnocci? -Gnocci? Who's for the gnocci?

-ALL: You are! -Of course! Sorry, yes! Of course.

I thought I'd gone risotto! I am the gnocci!

Lasagne?

Oh, that's Gwen's. I'll go and get them.

That looks good, Bryn.

Oh, Ness... I know it doesn't feel like it now,

but this might be the making of you.

Cheers, Gwen. Genuine.

Come on, you lot, your food's getting...

Everything okay?

You better come in.

What's happened?

-Shall I tell her? -Tell me what?

(DAWN SOBS)

Dawn! What's the matter, Dawny?

Dawn!

-(DAWN SQUEALS) -Oh, stop it!

Dawn! Dawn, stop it!

(GASPS)

Seth's gone.

ALL: Who's Seth?

The fella.

We met on the internet.

Our counsellor said that we could inject some passion into our relationship

if we introduced a third party to the bedroom.

-Fair play. -So, we've been emailing each other for weeks.

All leading up to tonight.

And it was going so well, Pam.

But then as soon as we start discussing

all the whys and the wherefores, you know...

-Boundaries. -Codewords.

Yeah. As soon as we start talking about that, he says...

Oh, God!

He says he's very sorry

but our photo is not representative

of the two of us as a couple.

He feels he's been misled. He can't go through with it.

(SOFTLY) I mean, the shame of it, Pam!

Yes, it was an old photo.

But have I changed that much in 15 years?

No, Dawny! You're beautiful.

-Thank you, Pam. -PAM: Aw.

What you lot doing in here anyway?

Nessa's pregnant.

BOTH: What?

And Smithy's the father.

Oh, my Christ!

Right, I'm gonna start. This is ridiculous. Bryn, pass the pepper.

Cor, that's a big one.

I can barely get my hand around it.

Should have seen this one in Greece, in this restaurant.

-Oh, will you please give it a rest? -What?

Is that gonna be it now? "In Greece" this, "in Greece" that?

-I only got back today. -MICK: Oh, not this again.

I'm sorry, Mick, but it's like I don't even know him any more.

Eh?

You're paragliding, eating hampers,

you're not even having a beer, you're drinking wine for some reason.

Yeah, well, beer is quite fattening.

Says who? Your wife?

Oh, come on, mate. I'm back now.

I mean, did you think of me once when you were away?

-Course I did. -When?

-What did you mean? -When did you think of me?

Tennis.

We were gonna play tennis, but Stacey's rubbish, so we didn't.

But I thought, "If Smithy was here now, we'd have a great game."

We would, and all.

Did you want to play tomorrow?

I can't. I'm picking up the wedding photos.

For God's sake!

Right, I'm gonna find out where they've got to. This is ridiculous.

You all right, Pete?

Michael Shipman!

Mick Shipman!

What's it like to be you?

Where's Dawny?

I mean, you got the looks, you got the wife, you got the girth.

What?

Would you say I was a good-looking bloke?

I mean, do you think I'm attractive?

Well, right now you've got black teeth.

Have I really?

(LAUGHING)

Mick! Mick!

Pete is absolutely battered!

-Never mind that! Just get in here. -What?

What's going on? We're all sat out there...

(SOBBING)

Dawn? You all right?

-Seth's gone. -Who's Seth?

-The big black boy. -The big black fella.

They met him on the internet.

They were gonna have a threesome

but he's come and took one look at them and bolted.

-MICK: Blimey. -And Nessa's pregnant.

What?

WOMEN: And Smithy's the father.

Shit a brick!

-Does he know? -No.

(CRIES) Where's Pete?

Mick, is he all right? Have you seen him?

Well, yeah, I saw him just now.

He's sat there, drinking. And laughing.

Oh.

(SNIFFLES)

Will you go and get him for me, please... I need my Pete.

-Go on. -All right.

You're very lucky, you two.

I've never had what you'd call a best friend.

I had acquaintances, many. But never anyone, you know, best.

And I suppose that's because I always had Trevor,

God rest his soul. But, of course, he was my brother.

So that didn't really count.

And, I've always been close with Nessa...

I know she's got my back but that's as far as it goes.

I'll be back in a minute.

(PETE LAUGHS)

-You all right, Dad? -Yeah, yeah. Come, give us a hand, will ya?

I said we should've got a new photo done,

and been honest, warts and all.

But what do I know?

-Where we going? -Ladies' toilets.

What?

So, are you gonna keep it?

-Yeah. -STACEY: Are you?

Yeah. I am, as it goes.

I thought about it long and hard, no word of a lie,

but then I watched Vera Drake,

twice, and I thought, "No, I can't be doing with all that."

Well, in that case, you have got to tell him.

She's right, Ness.

But I don't want him involved.

That's not up to you, my love. There's two of you in this.

Oh, my Pete! Are you all right?

-Seth's gone. -I know.

-Who's Seth? -The black fella.

They met on the internet,

they were gonna have a three-way but he didn't want to.

He changed his mind.

-And Nessa's pregnant. -What?

ALL: And Smithy's the father.

I'll be your best mate.

Will you?

Well, I sure as shit ain't got one any more have.

Come on, Smithy...

You're a young man. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

You don't want to be tied down to an old fogey like me.

-You're not old, Bryn. -(CHUCKLES)

Are you? How old are you?

That, young man, is a gentleman's prerogative.

And anyway, it's not how old you are, it's how you are old.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You are so funny, Bryn. You know that?

You crack me up every time!

Not like him, the useless sack of shit.

Hey now, come on. You're crossing the line there, son.

He's in love.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

I love you Bryn-la, I do.

Let's meet up.

Every weekend. In Swindon. Just me and you.

-Really? -Yes!

All right, you're on!

(CHUCKLES)

Do you want some of Gwen's lasagne?

-Bring it on! -All right, let's do it! Come on!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You've got to tell him tonight. You've got to tell him now.

-I know. -I can't believe it.

-How long have you known about this? -About three weeks.

You've known for three weeks and you didn't even think to tell me?

-I tried! -Not that hard.

Don't argue, my loves, it's not worth it.

I love you, Dawny.

Yeah, you know when we were away, and I said I had something to tell you?

-Yeah. -And I told you about Nessa

being in the original line up of All Saints,

but she had to leave 'cause she didn't get on with Shaznay?

I was trying to tell you then.

What, so you made all that up?

-No. -No. That was true.

It was a power struggle.

Look, none of this matters, who told you when, and what have you.

What matters is, the only person who hasn't been told

is the only person who should've been,

and he's sat out there.

Who, Bryn?

ALL: No.

Smithy.

I'll come to Wales, you can come up here.

I'll go to church with you.

We'll just hang out. You know, like best mates do.

Do you think Mick will mind if I finish his last slice of pizza?

So what if he does? I'll back you up.

'Cause that's what best mates do.

Oh, Smithy.

-I got something to tell you. -What?

I'm pregnant.

And you're the father.