Original subtitles

Hey, Steve.

Want to know why I'm wearing this suit?

You're opening for Cher.

Well, Rooney, you're looking at my latest invention, the Uncle Magno suit.

Well, it's an improvement over your regular look.

What does it do?

Why don't you ask?

It's a crime -busting device.

Now, let's say I'm walking down the street, minding my own business,

and some slimeball jumps out of nowhere, furnishing a gun. Well, am I

afraid? No, sir.

I just turn on my Erko Magno suit, and the gun flies out of his hands and into

mine.

Oh.

Oh.

Wow,

you're a human magnet. I'm impressed.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, I've got to show the big guy. Where's he hanging? Well, I think he's

kitchen.

Please work.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say, is even

harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams.

She should win, Mr. Keeney. She has the prettiest face.

Face?

She's from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Eddie Winslow, are you using my fat slug again?

Yeah, I use it to kill a spider.

A spider?

Will you relax?

I can't. You're always using my stuff.

no one takes anything without asking.

We have to show each other a little more consideration and respect.

It's like Aretha said, R -U -S -P.

making sure they're the right temperature.

Shrimp always tastes best when they're cold.

Carl, you're getting all wound up again.

Well, of course I'm wound up, Harriet.

Captain Savage is bringing his girlfriend over for us to meet.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't worry. He wouldn't bring her over here if he didn't like

you.

Captain Savage, he's a crafty one.

He wants to see how I do under pressure.

He's not going to promote me, Harriet, until he knows how I do under pressure.

And I'm good under pressure, aren't I, Harriet? Huh? Right?

broiler, made the salad, and set the table. Oh, thanks, honey. You want to

for dinner?

Well, let's see.

Dinner with four middle -aged adults or a date with a really cute guy.

Hmm, that's a tough decision.

Have a nice time. I better go get ready.

I'd like you two to meet a very special lady, Lois Keller.

I'm so glad to meet you, Mr. Lackey. No, no, darling.

Let me explain this again.

Winslow is their last name.

Lackey is my nickname for Carl.

You have a lovely heart.

For some reason, I feel like we've met before.

I don't think so. I probably have one of those faces.

What's that wonderful aroma wafting from the kitchen?

Ah, that steak with scallop potatoes. One of my favorites. Of course, I like

just about everything.

Except shrimp. I hate shrimp.

This isn't real shrimp.

It's wax.

is the most delicious looking cake I've ever seen.

Thanks. It's a double dutch chocolate Bavarian cream.

It's my midterm for pastry 101.

But this old stove is so fussy that baking this cake was no piece of cake.

It doesn't matter, Waldo. I'm sure you're gonna get an A.

Really?

I wonder what an A looks like.

I always get it confused with that letter from the alphabet.

Can I help you do your laundry?

Let's go see a movie.

Cool. What do you want to see?

Anything. As long as I'm with you.

Who's in that?

Let's just do your laundry.

Cool.

Bye,

guys. Later.

Shooting hoops makes me hungry.

Me, too. I can eat a whole cheese wheel.

Waldo, bake the cake.

Were you sure he won't mind if we have some?

Nah, he's always whipping up stuff.

check my midterm before we leave.

Midterm? Yeah, it's in the fridge.

I baked a luscious double Dutch chocolate Bavarian cream cake.

Did you hear that, Steve?

Waldo baked a cake for his midterm.

Sure did.

Sure did.

Ooh, I bet it tastes fantastic.

I better check it before we hit the movie.

Before you go to the fridge, I think there's something you should know.

Why do I need to know?

What he meant to say is, don't put butter on your popcorn.

It's all fair.

But what about my cake?

Hey, I'll check on it. Besides, you guys don't want to miss the movie.

Mama, what are you going to see?

Anything as long as I'm with you.

I think it's foreign.

Max picked it up.

Don't ask.

Eddie, why didn't you tell Waldo the truth?

Are you crazy?

You see how he acts when I take his stuff?

And now, Eddo, we all know Waldo isn't a nuclear physicist, but I'm willing to

bet he's gonna notice the cake is missing.

No, he won't.

Because tomorrow there's going to be a double Dutch chocolate Bavarian cream

cake in that fridge, and we're going to bake it. Oh!

No, sir!

No way in Hades will I be a party to this deception.

I'll go to that stupid poker festival with you.

two lovebirds meeting?

Oh, it was in church one Sunday.

I saw this angel. It was her.

So I walked over to her and said, excuse me, miss, but did you step out of a

stained glass window?

How romantic.

Uh, Harriet, I need your help in the kitchen.

Why?

Because we, uh, uh, uh, we need more cookies.

Yeah, we'll go get some more, uh, uh, cookies? Yeah.

If we do this together, it'll give these two lovebirds time to smooch. Oh, good

thinking, Winslow. Not before you come back.

Carl, what are... Harriet,

I finally figured out where I've seen Lois before.

Where? At the boom -boom room. She's a stripper.

Savage's girlfriend is a stripper? Yes.

I never forget her face.

Harriet, I was questioning a witness to a crime. She came on stage and I just

happened to glance up in her direction a few times.

Carl, what are you going to do?

Pretend it never happened. You can't.

Captain Savage should know about this. You've got to tell him. Uh -uh.

Captain Savage is the kind of man who kills the messenger.

He worships that woman. He thinks she's an angel. I can't go out there and tell

that man his girlfriend is out there going boom, boom, boom, boom.

Carl, if it were you, wouldn't you want to know?

I don't know, Harriet.

I think you're wrong on this one.

No, I'm not. I know what I'm talking about. You've got to touch me on this

Carl.

Okay, Harriet.

But I have to go out... there and tell that man that his girlfriend has a

butterfly tattooed on her hiney i thought you just glanced at her

well i'm a cop i am cursed with an eye for detail

tell winslow what do you think of lois oh

she's a fine woman sir fine woman yeah she's everything i ever wanted she's

beautiful kind sensitive

She can kill a deer with one arrow.

Well, those are hard qualities to find, sir.

I know. That's why I ain't gonna let her get away.

I'm gonna get down on my knees and I'm gonna beg her to marry me.

You are?

Uh, doctor, sir, uh, can I be candid?

How candid?

Well, well, Captain, it may be something that might hurt you very deeply.

Spit it out.

Well, Captain,

Yes, sir.

Captain, Lois is a stripper at the Boom Boom Room.

Yeah, she's the headliner.

Oh, you know.

Of course. You got a problem with that?

Oh, well, I... I can't believe how pompous and judgmental you are.

Oh, well, I'm not... She's an artiste.

God, have you ever seen her open a bottle of soda with her navel?

I haven't had the pleasure, sir. But why didn't you tell me about this before?

I was going to surprise you and Harry with two front row seats to the Boom

Room for Saturday night. But you blew it. And to think I had high hopes for

Oh, but, sir, I'm sorry. Look, save your energy, because you're going to need it

for foot patrol for two months.

Two months? Make it three.

Lois! Oh, Captain, this is all a misunderstanding.

Come on, we're leaving.

But I was learning about...

Let's go.

What's the matter?

I'll tell you later.

I love you, China.

How much did it cost?

Captain.

I

guess

you told him, huh?

Made me tell him. Carl, I... Trust me, Carl.

He'd want to know, Carl.

He'll thank you, Carl.

Well, he thanked me, Harriet.

He thanked me with three months of foot patrol.

He knows that she's a stripper. He likes the fact that she's a stripper. He's

probably brought his mom down to the club to meet her.

I'm sorry.

But you know something, Harriet?

There is a silver lining to all of this.

I'd love to hear it, Carl. I finally get to utter the words

that I have been waiting 20 long years to say.

What, Carl?

Harriet, you were...

Listen, Waldo, we sort of accidentally ate your cake.

You what?

And we tried to cover it up by thinking another way.

This is the most stupid thing we've ever done.

Exactly, exactly.

I'm so, so disappointed that we could be so underhanded.

Sorry I have to be so rough on you guys, but... I had to get that out.

Well, I guess I better call the landlord and give him the good news.

And I'll start cleaning up.

Hold the pickles.

This isn't over till the fat lady takes a bath.

What?

Look, I know what you guys are thinking.

you can walk all over me because you think i'm dumb well i have feelings too

you cut me do i not cough if you

hit me do i not sneeze and if you call me names do i not eat

Look, Waldo, I'm sorry.

I really messed up.

I've been a lousy roommate.

But from now on, I'm going to do better.

I care about you, Waldo.

And I'm not going to take advantage of you anymore.

Friend?

Well, I guess the fat lady took her bath.