Original subtitles

Previously on Family Matters.

By tomorrow night, Steve Urkel will become Stefan Urkel.

Forever.

Wake me, shake me, and break me, but baby, don't forsake me.

Why don't you break down and get you some glasses?

Too bad you can't pull a Stefan.

A what?

Well, Stefan or Cal doesn't need glasses. But when he was Steve Urkel, he

couldn't see Zip without them.

Sounds like what you need is a transformation chamber.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design, some people say it's even harder

to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams, real love bursting out of every scene.

Lord, he's a nerd.

Espousing, camaraderie, and human interaction makes me a nerd?

Well, if so, then I plead guilty.

What did I just say?

No, I didn't shut off the machine in time.

He's half nerd, half Carl.

So does that make me a gnarled?

What the heck was that?

asymmetrical bodies, or phylum nematoda, worm -like animals with fluid -filled

chambers that separate their body walls from their inside.

Matt, how'd you learn all that stuff?

I have no idea.

Stefan, you gotta, you gotta help me. I can't live like this. You've got to fix

that machine.

Okay, look, look, give me some time.

Oh, gosh, I gotta rewire the chamber. It's gonna take some time.

I'm gonna have to buy some parts.

Oh, here, here. Take some casheroonie and fix it soonie.

Now I know it's not Carl.

All right.

Give me about 24 hours. I should have it fixed by then. Okay.

Well, I better go break this newsflash to Harriet.

Did I do that?

little kitchen elf.

Hi, Carl.

Oh, my.

What a delicious looking confection.

Yeah, the church is having a bake sale.

Oh, and it's so purdy.

Carl, that's a great impression of Steve.

Uh, Sweetums. What?

Brace yourself.

This isn't an impression.

I'm a nerd.

Carl, stop talking like that. You're scaring me.

I wish I could.

Then pull your pants out your armpits.

No way, baby.

Because I'm styling.

Harry, stop me, please, Harry. I can't stop. Please, Harry, stop me.

transformation chamber and i heard a lot of neato fourth noises and i came out

like this i'm half carl and i'm half

nerd the trouble is i don't know when i'm gonna be carl and i don't know when

i'm gonna be the next

muted the hydraulic

machine and came out a nerd.

Dad, this is terrible.

Is there anything we can do to help?

Rent me an accordion. I feel a poker coming on.

Car, car, stop it. You're scaring the kids.

Wait a minute.

Wait. I don't have time to stand around and poker.

I have to go to work.

After all, I'm a cop.

I'm one of Chicago's finest.

Yeah, I'm gonna go. catch some bad guys i'm gonna put on my shiny badge

and my cop hat and i'm gonna go to work no i may look

different on the outside but i still have the same cat -like reflexes i've

always had

Had less and less time talking like this.

Man, the gene transformation is accelerating.

Yeah. I've been listening to the Bulgarian women's choir, ironing my

and I have this wild urge to eat cheese.

So have you finished fixing the chamber yet? Have you yet? Have you yet? Not

yet.

Oh, golly gosh darn.

Excuse my foul language.

My work on the chamber is coming along slowly.

I may be cooler now, but I'm not as smart as I used to be.

Well, obviously, your crystal diode transformer is put in backwards.

Hand me a number three Allen wrench.

It's fags.

Fags? Uh -oh.

What's wrong?

I've got a crazy impulse to name all the colors I bought. Okay, fight that

impulse, Carl.

I'll try.

I'll try. But it's not gonna be easy.

Oh, please.

Now, look, I've been working at this all night. That's why I have this

fashionable stubble.

So it would really help me out if you could just keep...

Quiet.

Hello, magnificent mother of the lady I love.

Yes, well, I fixed the machine. And if you like Carl back the way he was, just

tell me a time that would be convenient.

I'm here, I'm here.

Let's do it. Then hurry.

I had to sleep with this man last night.

Yeah, I'm eager, too. I've been denied my husbandly rights.

With a woman as beautiful as Harriet, that's a terrible loss.

That's right, because I've been missing her kitten.

All right.

Carl, is that really you?

I think so.

Look, Carl.

Harriet's wearing a new outfit.

Well, it looks expensive. How much does it cost?

He's back.

Oh, Carl, it's you. It's really you.

You know, I never should have let you get into that chamber.

That's for sure.

All I wanted to do was improve my eyesight.

That's what this is about.

Carl, I begged you to get glasses. Well, I know.

But I was afraid how they'd make me look.

I thought they'd make me look old.

So I went into the chamber and instead I ended up like Steve.

Look, I'm going to get glasses, Harriet. I don't care if they make me look old.

I need to be myself.

That's my guy.

Yeah.

You're right.

So what if a person needs glasses or they're clumsy or short?

I mean, the fact is...

Everyone's different.

And it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

What's important is that you like yourself.

No, love yourself, right?

Right. Well said.

Yeah.

So how come I'm not listening to myself?

You look very handsome, Stephon. Ah, thank you. And you look beautiful.

But there's something wrong with your lips.

What? They're not touching mine.

My lips feel

much better now.

Would you like your picture taken?

Ah, certainly. But you know the film hasn't been invented that can fully

this lady's loveliness.

Wow.

You have a brother?

I'll bring you your photo right back.

You know, Stefan, this has been a wonderful evening.

and after dinner, I'm available to neck for six or seven hours.

That's a tempting offer, but there's something I have to tell you.

Oh?

You know, Laura, your father said something to me that really hit home.

He taught me that if you just be yourself and you love yourself, that

will love you, too.

True love is unconditional.

Well, that's true.

Laura, as Stefan or Kel, I'm cool.

Incredibly cool.

But I'm also artificial.

And I just can't live this lie anymore.

I have to change back to who I really am.

Steve Urkel.

But, Stefan, no, no, no, you don't. Really.

Laura, Laura, just remember, though.

Even though I'm not real, my love for you is.

Stefan, I don't understand.

I love you, too.

And if we both love each other, then why can't we be together?

Because I don't love me.

But, see, we could work on that.

We could take some classes, you know, a few self -help tapes. You know, they're

great during traffic. You just pop one in and... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

But it's just not meant to be.

So when are you going to do this?

Well, there's nothing to do. I didn't take my last step on recharge, so it's

just a matter of time.

How much time?

Well, it's hard to say. It could be several days or several hours or...

Sorry, my sweet, sweet love. I am sorry.

But this is goodbye.

Forever.

And now I must leave before I draw attention to myself.

Having champagne.

He'll be back.